#it wont be easier to be nonbinary god knows it wont but sometimes it can be suffocating to have to adhere to what constitutes as a woman

[dolce-fritz]

So being the new evil girlfriend is fun

So recently my Partner has had some majorly stupid ass drama with their ex. Like this girl, she’s loopier then the Olympic oval, Like normally I’m nice and don’t slander people but like. She’s just, hoo boy. A mess.

And yeah this is from a completely biased stand point. And I’m about to tell you why that I feel the way that I do about this girl from my own experiences. This is going to be long winded, so I’m putting it under a read more. 

So I moved from the lovely state of Utah this year, my homelifes never been 100% great. I love my mom but our issues clash and we do better separate. Not to mention I really wanted to try it out in another state again and this time the right way and not just a spur of the moment decision while i visited like what happened with Florida.

Well, planned my vacation to See my at the time friend to see if I really liked it there.  I knew about their recent split with their Ex, and the two seemed pretty amicable about it. The other roommate was.... hoo, a mess to say the least. and My friend didn't want to be alone with her because they actually had been wanting to tell her to leave because of the issues that she'd brought into the home. anyways that in itself was a bit of drama.

So I was like OK. I'll come check it out and if I like it I'll be your new room mate.

Well. I plan my trip about four weeks out. and end up pretty excited about it. Come to find out with no real surprise that My friends Ex is going to move out before Octobers over.

My friend starts panicking. again doesn't wanna be alone with the other roommate that they're having hardships with. So I say ok... I'm going to do this vacation, then im just going to move on the 20th so I can get my stuff packed.

Shits already starting to go down hill.

I get there. everything seems fine. The ex seems nice, things seem ok. the other roommates.... already trying to cause shit with me and im not even physically in the house. I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor in an old office space. bought a bunch of furniture because at this point. I know I'm moving here. Its going to happen. This is where I'm going to live might as well help my friend end up getting it taken care of.

Well. Day three of my vacation hits. The ex drops that her dad wants her to move out that day. completely screws the pooch for my friend and the other roommate. And basically bails on them and leaves the house just with the things she wants and then just leaves all the rest of her junk here like its her own storage unit. claims she’ll be back for the rest [ Spoilers never happened]  so that... right there puts this sour taste in my mouth. Cause yeah, me and her ex at that point are sharing a bed. Because like theres only three beds in the house until she ends up leaving and so my friends like ill just sleep with you. me i’m very fine sharing my sleeping space with my friends. i’ve done it literally all my life. hell a its not a goodnight sleep unless your on your best friends bed snuggling the shit out of her kaneki ken body pillow listening to true crime documentaries on the TV but like seriously it was no big deal to me. which im begining to wonder if it was a big deal to her. Either way apparently instead of waiting till i officially moved. she bailed and forced my hand. So I had to stay, I couldn’t properly say goodbye to my mom. couldn’t properly get my shit packed. all cause I really didn’t want to leave my friend alone till I could officially move in. So already, I started getting a slight distaste in my mouth for her. but I let it slide. I know how overbearing parents are sometimes.  well, so i cancelled my flights. money spent that i was never going to end up getting back that I could’ve later used towards something for the house.  The girl left. and I was left, Cleaning up the mess that she walked out of and left behind.  Turns out my friend was the only one that was cleaning up around the house. and working a part time job, while trying to side hustle some art for extra money.  They were the one that was handling all the utilities, while their ex was buying everyone food. Separate it would’ve been an easier task if it was just the two of them. but you add in the extra roommate that was only paying her share of rent and none of the food and utilities and shit starts piling up. Well.  sat down and looked at all the finances. found out that while yeah the Ex was making the most money. She didn’t bother to help out with any of the chores. I mean, they split the dish duty. And i’m sitting here wondering how long this pan of fish oils been on the stove for. had to buy new pans cause they were growing cultures.  Hell half her chores and the other roomates were doing the cat boxes. dude it was shit mountain in there. it was so bad the cats were going in the corner. Yet it was like my friend was expected to pick up after them and pick up their slack because they didn’t work as many hours as the other two. Which I’m sorry. if you can’t balance cleaning up after yourself. and working how the hell are you going to live on your own.  Well in comes me, the living off disability. [ which is not a glorious life] I have a lot of time on my hands. so first few days we douche out the house. things start looking good.  in comes the ex to get something and brings this utter douchebag of a man that boasts about him being the whole reason that they broke up. Which like when we were moving out the ex. the ex’s dads...girlfriend??? was like dont let them take advantage of you. which like made me pull up a shit ton of questionmarks. cause yeah i wasn’t going to let the other roommate do that cause i was kinda aware what her game was and it wasn’t playable with me.  everyone had their part to play in this household, and I wasn’t going to play mother for anyone. Well in comes this guy. boast about how he wont let anyone take advantage of her again and im like sure w/e dude. but like i started like... questioning wtf she was actually telling people that my friend actually did to her.  see, what i was told was that it was an intimacy issue. my friends pretty Asexual so like there wasn’t alot of physical involvement. and that things just weren’t going the way that their ex wanted them to. Turns out it was SOOOO much more then that. so curious me, got digging about this girl cause shit just wasnt really adding up.  and I started finding out things. At this time, friend started turning to partner. and eventually we started dating which made shit a lot more uncomfortable with me and this girl. cause yanno, new girlfriend. ex girlfriend. two things dont usually mesh well in situations like this.  Well so, started finding out that while in a relationship she was leading on a bunch of other guys, and at work would like do this whole “im bi” thing if the guy was cute. like she was very male centered for a “lesbian”  She was super horny on main during DND which made EVERYONE uncomfortable. to top it all off she was a narcissist, that had a victim that she could toy with.  She tried to convince my partners parents while they were still together, to talk to their child when there were behaviours that she didnt like. She tried to have an intervention with their friends to force them into transitioning FtM when they were happy just being nonbinary.  they would gaslight them, manipulate them, and  abuse them. I watched this girl in the span of three weeks tear my partner down with her words in front of me. and be nothing but venomous to them. for no other reason then they were actually happy.   While spining all these stories of how she was the one that was wronged.  Well, I started having enough of her coming around just so she could be mean to my partner. She’d come over. immediately go to our fridge to drink some of the booze she left and then pick at my partner for small insignificant things only because she wanted to fight. When i had enough of that. I told my partner, we’re going to DnD early. she can find her own ride.  She came to a family party, invited unknowingly by my partners brother that’s been over seas and in the military. She thought she was going to get a hookup complained she wasn’t having fun because he wasn’t paying attention to her. Snapped at my partners nephews because they wanted to play and made one of them cry. and was just toxic to be around.  That was strike two.  Strike three was watching how she conducted herself around our dnD group. she’d had this guy, mister “ i saved you from your bad relationship” on speed dial, and would tell him things. and then sit and shit talk him when she was bored with him to everyone. We were all sick of it.  The ending straw with me, was when we finally wanted to be done with this drama. told her three months before hand to get off the car insurance. and it wasn’t done. ended up causing a big thing.  She started saying that she’d leave the DND group to make things easier. because Thats what my partner would want. At this point i couldnt stand it any longer. Three months talking to everyone that physically knows her. and see’s what she’s becoming lead everyone to say the same thing about her She was turning into her mother.  No i know fuck all about that. i dont know her mother, i dont know anything about her. I know she’s on a shot that fucks with your brain and ends up messing with your body. I also was on the DEPO shot for three years of my life and its caused so many problems after i was off it.  and thats what i tried to impart to her my wisdom on.  therapy, and a depo shot.  now how we got there is really long winded, and highly dramatic.  id admitted to her our dnd group wanted to chat. she was pushy, respected no ones boundaries, and left our friends house a complete mess. just like she left ours... and god, she ended up pissing me off cause the girl left slippers caked in cat puke in my tub after staining my bathroom doing her hair dye. she disrespected my home, she disrespected out friends, and our friends home. and she was needlessly mean and cruel to everyone around her that didnt serve some purpose to her.  So yeah she had to go.  Here i am thinking that this is the end of it. but i get updates about how I’m apparently the worst abuser in the world just cause I told some spoiled brat of a woman to get off a shot that messes with the brain, and to seek therapy cause this girl needs help. Funny thing is im not the only one that said it. apprently just the loudest voice to have said it.  and this bitch still thinks i dont like her cause she’s not ‘ providing for us financially” We may not have a high roller life. but damn we’re doing just fucking fine. 

[vee-blackwell]

i got a bout of depression that hit tonight from not being distracted enough to avoid getting in my own head and i think i had too many bad thoughts about who i am VS family acceptance

my queer things, my interest things, my (lack of) set goals.

it hurt a lot to try and explain transgender things to my gramma while watching I Am Jazz, when talking about nonbinary people using “they/them” pronouns, she essentially said that if you dont use he/him or she/her then you have no gender “so you’re just nothing” which was just too close to home (literally) for me to hear as someone who doesnt feel anywhere close to any definition of gender, and am definitely not enough % to feel comfortable going on the male side of the binary.

that’s the hard part of that. it seems like it would be easier to tell her i’m bisexual or something (another term that doesnt really match me, but explaining asexuality or the differences between pansexual and bisexual self-identities is another thing thats hard to do with an 86 year old woman). but then what if it changes how she asks me about anyone i hang out with or makes weird assumptions about my relationships?

but at the same time, in watching this show with her, where she’s trying her best to be open-minded and learn about transgender people via watching I Am Jazz, she starts asking me to explain things in the show. not in a negative way, again, shes trying to understand which is more than i could hope for other 80+ year old grandparents. but then she asks me how i know so much about transgender people and issues they face when its things she doesnt expect people i know in real life, close to me, to have dealt with yet. and i have to play the “Educated Ally” instead of the “Depressed, Closeted Transperson” and hope she doesnt go from asking about my friends that are out to wondering about me. because it just makes me fearful of being in another time period of living in an abusive and unsupportive / negligent household where i never feel safe and im constantly arguing with my family. and i dont need that, or even to feel like im risking getting to that point again

i at least want to feel like i wouldnt be kicked out of the house and become homeless, or stop getting money from my family if i came out at all... but how many other transpeople had the same thoughts and were totally wrong? my mom who watched some of the show with us today almost immediately misgendered one of the transgirls on the show, talking about how **she (i dont want to misgender even by quoting my mom) clearly didnt have hormone blockers as long as Jazz because **her voice had changed. and it’s like, alright, she uses a feminine name, looks like any other normal high school girl, and has been working to try and get her voice to pass better, and it’s still so easy for ignorant people like my mom to pick up on that one thing they feel doesn’t fit right and just misgender someone immediately. and it’s worrisome. because i know how easy it is for “the average adult” around my mom’s age to miss the point entirely on how someone works to transition and making their own personal choices

...

im just queer and tired and fearful. my mind screaming at me “do SOMEthing” every time i wake up is like the echo of a broken record player that’s playing somewhere i can barely hear it. so i do something. i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions.

i get bored of the phone game, the magickarp jump cooldown timers are all that’s left.

i get bored of harvest moon, after realizing that i was 1 floor away from the bottom of the mines last time i get frustrated. do i go back for it again and make the long boring trek, or do i go back to grinding cooking recipes so i can finally make that god damn tempura meal? each day passes as quickly or as stagnantly as i please thanks to my emulator. freeze time and do my daily farm chores, use the inventory item dupe glitch to keep stocked every gift item i need to give everyone, show everyone on the local islands my pets for bonus friendship points, unfreeze time so that the one fisherman character will finally show up to talk to and i give him his daily gift and show him my dog, i go fishing with frozen or unfrozen time as i choose. the day is done. time for the next one.

i get bored of the computer games that both tantalize me into playing them because i love them and want the mental stimulation, yet the other screens beckon to me stronger, and i sit on the 3 blue hellsites, toggling between them in mixed intervals.

i get bored of neopets, because it is after midnight and its the 3rd day in the row i forgot to do my dailies. god DAMMIT i’m never going to get trudy’s shitty 30 day bonus spin for those 100k neopoints if i keep this up. i go onto the help boards, and bump up the lottery board. copy and paste my old post, add the moneybag emoticon and congrats the winners. short list gives the UNs. long list gets generalized. the regular group of lottery players and bumpers congratulate and recognize each other, making the odd chat message about their lives. this is as far as i chat on the neoboards now because i have no social energy otherwise to talk to other neopets friends about how life is still depressing, and trying to speak around the child filters and character limits.

i go to my mom’s room, its hard to predict if she’ll be home at 5 pm or 8 pm or 11 pm or gone to her shitty boyfriend’s house. it had been GTA V. then crash bandicoot warped (ps3 port). and now skyrim with the DLC. i play it as i spend my life, there are markers telling me where i should go for quests to progress, yet i wander aimless around the world finding something more interesting to explore until i finally remember what i meant to do. my mom comes home, and i ask if she wants me to get out so she can sleep. she says its fine, and leaves the lamp on shining on her bed. it becomes after midnight, my gramma scolds me for staying in there when my mom is sleeping. while i agree, my hyperfocus is hard to break, and it still takes me more time than it should to simply save and quit in the middle of my doing nothing of importance in the game that i play for the middle of my doing nothing of important in my life.

i eat wherever i spend my activity. TV tray by my bed at all times now, my propel bottle sways like a top heavy asshole everytime its moved. the tissue box takes up space for food, but everytime i move it on my bed its either in the way or not close enough to use when i need it. my nose is still almost ready to bleed from the dry summer air. im still dehydrated because i lack the ability to remember to drink the juice, milk, or propel bottles within arms reach.

it’s 3 am, or probably later. i ask joey if it’s time to sleep. i take my melatonin, we both brush our teeth and say goodnight. am i lying to him again this night, and apologizing and saying i’ll do it for real? this could happen twice before the guilt takes over and i either cave and do it for real, or stay awake focused on my daily nothingness distractions.

on the days its 5 am or later, my mom wakes for work. we talk about the cat. we always talk about the cat. sometimes she says her work is shit and that shes in pain. things that are obvious. she leaves for work and says goodnight to me in the hopes i go to sleep soon.

i sleep. around 11 am to 1 pm is around the time i get woken for my medications. anxiety, depression, birth control pill (1 daily for 3 weeks at a time). i have to eat and drink with it, so its something simple. on bad days i fall back asleep for over an hour. like a sloth, i drag the tray of food to me, resting the plate or bowl on my bed to eat as i stay laying down. sitting up means i feel more obligated to stay awake after this. i finish the food, drink, and my pills, and shove the tray back against my closet, and lie back down in bed forcing myself to sleep.

it becomes anywhere from 3 pm to 5 pm, on bad days its 6 and later. i lay in bed after waking up maybe two or three other times from sweating, or tossing and turning with bad dreams or being awake enough that i could get up, but unmotivated or too depressed to get up and have to be awake for that much more time. i crawl to the computer first, turning off my nightly music and going online on steam. just so whoever cares knows im awake. i go adjust the thermostat as both i need as well as what wont freeze my gramma to death (or at least to complaining for hours). i say that i dont know what i want for food. she offers a suggestion, and i say sure. i return to my room until food is brought to me, and i grab juice or milk to have with my meal. it probably gets cold if it was meant to be eaten hot.

i get a food. i grab a game. i grab my phone for games. i grab a video, or a game tutorial, or ANOTHER computer game, or i go on social media sites. and i do all these empty “SOMEthings” to mute the bad thoughts like the ones above. the ones that both overwhelm me into submission and also make me numb to any emotions. the pattern repeats.

...

this has been Vee Life Simulator. sorry. no refunds.