#it's absolutely heartbreaking when writing this and the original timeline seeing how YOUNG he was

[wrongcaitlyn]

heyy! can you make an apollo time line?? like until before talk your talk starts. i'm so confused

YES okay so i have a very detailed outline in my docs (aka for all the stuff i want to eventually cover in the memoir) but those contain a lot of spoilers so i'm going to give a brief outline of all the main events, just so that the timeline makes sense bc i totally get it - i, too, was very confused by my own timeline when first writing this fic. the amount of shifting and adjustments of it... yeah it was very confusing bc i kept putting off *making* a timeline for apollo and instead just throwing random bits and pieces of lore at him😭

SO here's the official talk your talk apollo timeline

1979

April 8: Apollo is born

1995

July (age 16): Apollo's debut album is released (at this point in time, he has already been in the film industry for years as a child actor, as well as various other smaller gigs/singles. He, before this, has also signed a 5-album contract with his father's record label.)

1998

October - December (age 19): Naomi/Apollo relationship (bonus fun fact: the billboard music awards were on december 7, 1998. This is about nine months before august 23, 1999. do with this information what you will.)

1999

August 23 (age 20): Will Solace is born

2000

June (age 21): at some point, a one night stand with Latricia Lake September 15 - October 1: Sydney Summer Olympics, Darren and Apollo first meeting (they continue to have an on and off relationship from 2000-2003, not really a committed relationship though)

2001

February 28: Austin Lake is born

2003

July (age 24): Darren and Apollo start dating officially

2004

January: Apollo's fifth album is released early March: Apollo and Darren break up mid March: Apollo's tour for the album starts April 1: Kayla Knowles is born late April (age 25): Apollo calls off his contract, doesn't extend his contract, and publicly breaks ties with his father's record label/management. The tour is cancelled, and Apollo disappears from the public eye - but not before "coming out" (this was largely seen as speculation/rumors, not an actual confirmation of his sexuality, and largely forgotten by fans) August 13 - 29: Athens Summer Olympics, Darren and Apollo final meeting (until 2019)

2007

March (age 27): Naomi Solace dies of a stroke before a concert on her tour May (age 28): Will moves in with Apollo

2010

November (age 31): Apollo meets Leo December: Kayla moves in

2011

March: Apollo meets Nico

okay i THINK those are all the important dates/events - hope it all makes sense!! if there are any questions abt apollo's backstory, or just general questions about this timeline (or, if there's an inconsistency that i somehow missed- for some reason, the first time i wrote this timeline, i wrote that kayla was conceived at the 2004 olympics. which makes. zero sense. seeing as she was born in april of that year. so yeah.) but anyway!! i love talking abt apollo and i realize there is a LOT of lore/backstory around him that i haven't gotten around to explaining, and i love rambling. thank you so much for the ask!!

[fallingin-like]

aftg fanfic review masterlist

(aka my nanowrimo 2019)

i’m super excited to say here are the fics that i will be reviewing for november so far! feel free to read through these and comment on them with me! thank you so much to everyone who responded to my post and requested fics~

*edit: i removed a fic because i forgot to check the tags/TWs before and when i did look, i didn't feel comfortable with the content. sorry!*

1. atlas by @purearcticfire / @pipedream-truths​

a magic au that features shapeshifters and a cursed neil, so immediately you know i’ll like it. this fic has some cool uses of italics, caps, spacing, etc. that creates a stylized story that helps build tone and gives the story a clearer voice. this was such a fun read and it gets very intense. this fic is incomplete.

[read the rest of my review here!]

2. andriel into the future (series) by @dustbottle

these are some wonderfully written post-canon fics that make you feel warm and safe. we get to see neil and andrew’s relationship grow and strengthen. there’s neil’s year at psu without andrew, a minyard-josten rivalry fic, just some good times, coming out, and cats! there are 5 fics in this series. 

[read the rest of my review here!]

3. my cousins by @filteredred

this wonderful fic delves into tilda’s decision to give up the twins and how it was influenced by luther and maria. told from maria’s perspective, we get a better look at the rational behind what happened and, of course, we get to see kid!nicky and baby!twinyards.

[read the rest of my review here!]

4. “i hate you” sounds like “as you wish” by @luci-cunt

this is a princess bride!au and as a person that has never read/watched it, this was a wild ride. a really funny fic, i thought this was such a fun read!!

[read the rest of my review here!]

5. paper skies by @allforthebee [requested by @annawrites]

this is a fic with absolutely amazing descriptions and imagery. featuring librarian!andrew and a lot of introspection. the writing is so beautiful, i could not possibly capture how it made me feel in words. this fic was so so good.

[read the rest of my review here!]

6. falling in reverse by @lolainslackss [requested by @annawrites]

this is a beautiful fic that really demonstrates the strength of the relationship between neil and andrew. this fic navigates neil’s difficulties following retirement and how andrew supports him during these times. features wonderful imagery, reflection, and andriel on a houseboat!!

[read the rest of my review here!]

7. call me neil by @fox-sleeping-minyard

this wonderful fic follows andrew and neil in an au where they form a friendship as kids/teens after andrew dials the wrong number and accidentally calls neil. this fic is cute, but may also break your heart.

[read the rest of my review here!]

8. i just had a growth spurt (took so long, my tippy toes hurt) by @tallsinspace [requested by @gluupor]

maybe i’m biased because i like kid!fics but i loved this fic so so much. i love the way that andrew and aaron interact, both with each other and the other characters. the characterization on this was amazing and it’s such a hilarious and fun read!

[read the rest of my review here!]

9. not all who wander are lost: the “not all that glitters is gold” remix by @leahlisabeth [requested by @gluupor]

this is a remix fic, but you definitely don’t have to read the original one first. this is a fascinating magic!au that really draws you in and makes you so invested, even though it’s a relatively short fic. this is a renee-centric fic that does a great job of analysing her character.

[read the rest of my review here!]

10. til death do us part by @apprenticedmagician ​[requested by @leahlisabeth]

this is a fantastic post-canon fic which follows neil as he ropes aaron along into joining him in visiting his mother’s grave in california. this fic does a great job of demonstrating the growth that both characters have experienced.

[read the rest of my review here!]

11. taller than giants by @allforthebee ​ [requested by @horton-hears-a-doctor-who]

this wonderful fic is a lovely take on neil and andrew as best friends in university. it’s a softer version of these characters but maintains the great dynamic between them we’re familiar with.  this fic will break you apart and knit you back together.

[read the rest of my review here!]

12. peu à peu by @zombiesolace​ [requested by @jsteneil]

this is a really interesting character study on post-canon kevin and how he finds his place within the foxes and deals with the aftermath of the events within the series. this fic has a lot of introspection and does a really great job of unpacking everything.

[read the rest of my review here!]

13. don’t bury me (with a coin under my tongue) by @mr-im-fine​ [requested by @jsteneil]

this is a wonderful fic with urban fantasy, with a lot of the characters as demigods. this was really fun to read and it sucks you in so you don’t realise you’ve reached the end of the chapter until you can’t scroll anymore.

[read the rest of my review here!]

14. sleeping with ghosts by @boybeaulieu​ [requested by @fuzzballsheltiepants]

this fic is a super cool band!au that has andrew and gang playing placebo songs and neil as a solo singer. there has great use of a non-linear timeline. be prepared to feel all of the feelings

[read the rest of my review here!]

15. like a hazy summer morning by shadowdreams [requested by @fuzzballsheltiepants]

this was an adorable and really sweet fic that has neil as a youtuber! and andrew can’t help but keep watching his videos. this is such a fun fic. you have to be logged into an ao3 account to read this.

[read the rest of my review here!]

16. l’amour parle en fleus by @scribbleb-red [requested by @fuzzballsheltiepants]

this is a wonderful and heartbreaking fic that deals with grief and the beauty of life. it is soft and sweet, while dealing with hard topics and loss. this fic is incomplete.

disclaimer: i reviewed this fic when it had 7 chapters, so no comments on chapter 8. sorry!

[read the rest of my review here!]

17. above the clouds by @gluupor​ [requested by @fuzzballsheltiepants]

this is an absolutely amazing fic that features airships, android!neil, and fantastic world-building. it’s a really fun and adventurous read, but still contains enough angst to break your heart. if you haven’t read this yet, drop everything and read it now. if you have read it, read it again.

[read the rest of my review here!]

18. apartment 314 by @nikothespoonklepto​

this is a really interesting kevneil fic that has them as detectives! it’s funny, but gets intense, with great interactions between kevin, neil, and andrew.

[read the rest of my review here!]

19. tenuous by undertow *

this is one of my favourite fics in the fandom. it has DID!neil and features a really great relationship between him and aaron, and him and andrew. i love their style of writing. please read this fic

[read the rest of my review here!]

20. back to the start by @fuzzballsheltiepants​ [requested by @nikothespoonklepto]

containing an injured!andrew who loses all of his recent memories, this fic has heartbreak and healing. this fic has great pacing and flow, you don’t even notice that you’ve read 30k words until you’re done.

[read the rest of my review here!]

21. push to talk by @alexjosten​ [requested by @nikothespoonklepto]

this is a delightfully engaging fic based on the game firewatch that follows neil as he spends a summer as a fire lookout, isolated except for radio communication with andrew, a fire lookout in the adjacent sector of the park. this is such an intense, fun, beautiful, and humorous fic.

[read the rest of my review here!]

22. fox sleep by @annawrites [requested by @allforthebee]

this is an amazing fic that features shapeshifter!neil who arrives at the foxhole coven in the form of a fox. it is such a sweet, playful, and comforting fic with a wonderful tinge of magic, i cannot recommend this fic enough.

[read the rest of my review here!]

23. the real folk blues by @annawrites [requested by @allforthebee]

this absolutely amazing and captivating fic has the foxes as space bounty hunters and neil who is, as usual, an exceptionally skilled runaway. set away some time to read this fic as soon as possible, because once you start, you won’t be able to put it down until you finish.

[read the rest of my review here!]

24. heart on your sleeve, eyes on the streets (the heart-eyes remix) by  @apprenticedmagician [requested by @soft-ravenclaw-apollo​]

this is an adorable and hilarious jeanneil fic that includes soccer! this fic is lighthearted, but has enough much pining and a bit of angst to keep things interesting.

[read the rest of my review here!]

25. neil hatford by @soft-ravenclaw-apollo

following the story of neil being adopted by stuart at a young age, this is an interesting exploration of what would happen if neiil never had to grow up as a wesninski. it’s so great to see how this changes the development of neil, but also the life of stuart. this fic is unfinished.

[read the rest of my review here!]

26. a two-man team by @idnis​ [requested by @foxsoulcourt​ and @sig66​]

this super cute fic features nicky who is doing his best to raise a kid while simultaneously falling for said kid’s teacher, erik mountain man klose. as one might imagine, this is hilarious and so fun to read

[read the rest of my review here!]

27. thick skin, an elastic heart by @badacts ​ [requested by @foxsoulcourt​ and @sig66​]

an incredible jerejean fic that focuses on jean’s transition to the trojan’s and how jeremy struggles with falling in love with him. this fic is funny and emotional and includes a lot of really interesting introspection.

[read the rest of my review here!]

28. right side of rock bottom by @littlespooneven [requested by @foxsoulcourt​ and @sig66​]

a wonderful fic that follows andrew and neil, post-canon as they grow closer and learn how to love each other. this is sweet and so lovely to read, with insightful moments of introspection.

[read the rest of my review here!]

29. baltimore blues by @spanglebangle  [requested by @foxsoulcourt​ and @sig66]

you’ve probably already read this fic, but in case you haven’t, it’s an amazing exploration of andrew’s perspective on the binghamton riot and baltimore. this fic has fantastic scenes with introspection and is just so impressive to read.

[read the rest of my review here!]

30. one way or another (or maybe neither) by @nakasomethingkun [requested by @foxsoulcourt and @sig66]

this is an absolutely amazing exploration of neil’s sexuality and what it means within the context of his and andrew’s relationship. with the best description of demisexuality i have found in a fic, everybody needs to read this immediately.

[read the rest of my review here!]

[hermionegranger56]

ok lads its time for my breakdown of folklore, something absolutely no one is asking for but here we are!! this album. thIs ALBUMMMM. dear GOD. the intersection of my two favorite things, taylor swift and indie folk???? i feel like i’m dreaming. when she announced the surprise drop i literally burst into tears and evidently for good reason lol.

anywho here’s the thing. Red has been my all time favorite album for 8 years now. it holds such an important place in my life and i never thought anything she did could come close (though Lover almost did). but this. THIS IS BETTER THAN RED

the lyrical genius is unmatched here. taylor isn’t just writing songs here, this is POETRY. every song is nuanced, intricate, devastatingly beautiful, with words that’ll haunt me for a long time. and the fact that it’s stories, literal folklore, no longer just about her own life is incredibly creative and is executed so well for someone who has interwoven her life into her entire body of music thus far. folklore blends facts with fiction so seamlessly and is a true exhibition of taylor’s power as a songwriter.

and the vibessss!! from haunting heartbreak songs, to ethereal lost-in-the-woods vibes, to a comforting return to her old self, this album has everything. taylor is without a doubt one of the most versatile artists of our generation, having success and skill in multiple genres and folklore only solidifies this fact.

ALL RIGHT KIDS LETS JUMP IN

the 1: hell yeah explicit tswift give it to me lol you ARE on some new shit!! ok when i first listened to this i hadn’t read her statement about the other perspectives and i was about to RIOT about her and joe breaking up (like they could ever lol). this is such a catchy beat, such a casual?? look at such a painful feeling? a really good start to this album. the part where she goes another day waking up aLONE killlllllls me wow

fave lines: “in my defense i have none/for never leaving well enough alone”

cardigan: (don’t get me started on the mv it’s gorgeous) YES THE TEENAGE LOVE TRIANGLE suchhh a good concept!! the melody of this song is unreal, the chorus makes me want to scream it’s so beautiful, the i-i-i is SOMETHING ELSE. it’s crazy how just the melody makes betty’s pain so palpable, but so enchanting at the same time. it’s bittersweet and cinematic and i’m in love. PETER LOSING WENDY GOD. easily top 5 song here

fave lines: “when you are young they assume you know nothing”, “cause i knew you/ heartbeat on the high line/ once in 20 lifetimes i” “you drew stars around my scars/but now i’m bleeding”

the last great american dynasty: watch hill!!! her watch hill house!! i live near there!! oh i think this song is so clever and i love how it ties into mad woman as well as harkens back to starlight. i LOVE the way she ties her self in, “and then it was bought by me” like ughhh her mind? and its catchy AF

fave lines: “i had a marvelous time ruining everything”

exile: YOU KNOW HOW TO DO AN INDIE ALBUM??? BRING BON IVER INTO THIS SHIT!! wowww this song is haunting and is definitely the “i’m you but stronger” version of The Last Time. the overlap of both of them singing and their parallel lines are flawless. i could play this on repeat for hours and contemplate my whole existence

fave lines: “you never gave a warning sign/i gave so many signs”

my tears ricochet: ok somehow a track 5 with tears in the title is not the saddest song here but DAMN is it good. I love the visual of someone watching over their funeral and reacting. the music is stunningggg here. ALSO i am pretty convinced this is about the whole scott/scooter drama, like the lyrics fit so well? and she said it was the first song she wrote so the timeline kinda fits?? geniusss

fave lines: “I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace”, “and if i’m dead to you/why are you at the wake?”

mirrorball: ohhhh this one is so pretty!! it just makes me want to dance around the kitchen with the person i love??? its comforting, ethereal, happyyy ugh i love it. I also think it could be about her relationship with her fans? like her music shows us different sides of ourselves idk? or just absorbing into a relationship?

fave lines: “on my tallest tiptoes/shining just for you”

seven: i’m gonna call this now: this is going to be the most underrated song on this album. it is STUNNING. POETIC. HEARTBREAKING. the music is so hauntingly nostalgic. and the lyrics, holy absolute shit. they’re a delicate testament to childhood, memory, and innocent love. it’s gut wrenching and i love it so so much

fave lines: “i’ve been meaning to tell you/i think your house is haunted/your dad is always mad/and that must be why”, “and just like folk song/our love will be passed on”, “before i learned civility/ i used to scream ferociously” ALL OF IT

august: and now we get the girl james cheated with’s perspective, which i think is great. its sunny, wistful and sad underneath all that beautiful production. when she slides from the chorus to the “back when we we’re changing for the better” and hits that “mineeee to lose” GOD, it just fills your chest. i feel like even if you never have, this makes anyone feel like they know exactly what a summer fling feels like. one of my faves

fave lines: “august slipped away/like a bottle of wine”, “cancel my plans just in case you call/ and say meet me behind the mall”

this is me trying: the slow pacing of this melody serves to show these EXQUISITE lyrics here. this is so intimate and personal and i feel like everyone can relate to this feeling of just trying to hold on and put on a brave face?

fave lines: “they told me all of my cages were mental/ so i got wasted like all my potential”

illicit affairs: ok all you need to know about this one is a) I’m obsessed b) this is the closest she has come to creating a bridge that makes me feel like the All Too Well bridge has, like scream sobbing in the car type vibe??? its unreal. and this song makes me feel that shitty feeling of: “this was supposed to be casual but oops its very much not” hmmm maybe that’s where the scream sobbing comes from hahah

fave lines: “don’t call me kid/don’t call me baby/look at this godforsaken mess that you made me/you showed me colors you know i can’t see with anyone else”

invisible string: this. THIS is probably her most stunning love song. like. i thought it was Lover. i was wrong. this one is confidently from Taylor’s perspective, about Joe and dear lord i want a love like theirs. and shit does this song put the folk in folklore, the music is so simple and gorgeous and harkens back to her country roots without losing this new sound she has. and the first few notes remind me of Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens so instantly im sold. this and betty are tied for my number 1, it’s just too beautiful

fave lines: “time curious time/give me no compasses/give me no signs” “isn’t it just so pretty to think/all along there was some invisible string/tying you to me”, “cold was steel of the axe that i had to grind/for the boys who broke my heart/now i buy their babies presents”, “hell was the journey/but it brought me heaven”

mad woman: FUCK YOU FOREVERRRRRR!!! yes taylor said fuckkkk ugh i LOVE this vibe, the revenge of the mad woman that the town cast out is so eerie and powerful, i’m obsessed. it ties back into the maddest woman of TLGAD and it feels like a spiritual sequel to The Man, the same feminist thread weaving through it. the lyrics are razor sharp and biting, i love it

fave lines: “and you poke that bear/till the claws come out/ and you find something/ to wrap your noose around”, “it’s obvious wanting me dead has really brought you two together”

epiphany: so uhhh THIS is the saddest song on folklore. fight me. the seamless comparison between wartime and the pandemic and waiting for some epiphany that could make sense of all the horrors surrounding the both. idk man, as someone who’s been a covid nurse since March, i just….this one HURTS. similar to Soon You’ll Get Better tbh

fave lines: “hold your hand through plastic now/doc i think she’s crashing out/and somethings you just can’t speak about”

betty: OH I LOVE IT WITH MY WHOLE HEART! this is such a TRIUMPHANT return to old taylor, it is so joyful but sad at the same time?? the harmonica?? the last part of the love triangle?? it sounds like Taylor Swift and Fearless all grown up and it makes me ache for back then, but love where we are right now. tbh the first time i heard this i sobbed through the whole thing just out of pure nostalgia. she’s back but at the same time she never left. this feels like a love song to original fans and it. is. incredible. my favoriteeee goddd

fave lines: THE WHOLE CHORUS BABYYYYY

peace: it’s gorgeous, especially the guitarrr ugh. this feels like delicate’s quiet older sister. i think it’s definitely about joe and how taylor, despite loving him, still has these insecurities and fears about what a relationship with someone in her position could be like? like there will be struggles, but he’s her family and she “would die for you in secret”. stunning

fave lines: “i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm”, “the devils in the detail/but you’ve got a friend in me”, “give you my wild/give you a child”

hoax: i’m surprised she ended it on a sad one (but we still have the lakes!!) but this song is hauntingly beautiful WOW. every line of this absolutely floors me. i think this one will also be largely underrated, but it is pure poetry and deserves so so much hype

fave lines: “stood on the cliffside/screaming give me a reason/your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in”, “it still hurts underneath my scars/from when they pulled me apart/but what you did was just as dark” “my kingdom come undone/ my broken drum/ you have beaten my heart”

ANYWHO TAYLOR HAS PRODUCED HER BEST WORK TO DATE AND IM READY FOR SAD GIRL AUTUMN

[ivy-miranda-2390]

In Defense of Anakin Skywalker (and Hayden Christensen)

I grew up with Star Wars, my whole family loves Star Wars. I was 8 when I saw Episode I and afterwards, I was completely immersed in the Star Wars universe. Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan Kenobi was probably my first fictional boyfriend and I'm unashamedly still in love with him too.

Episode II: The Attack of the Clones came out when I was 11 and so naturally I was excited to see the continuation of the Star Wars prequel universe. However, nothing could have prepared me for the absolute utter gorgeousness of Canadian actor, Hayden Christensen who was cast to play the adolescent Anakin Skywalker.

My memories of first seeing Episode II are fond because I got to see the movies with my older siblings while on vacation in Myrtle Beach. It was probably my first experience of being accepted among my older adult brothers and sisters or the feeling of 'grownupness' as I like to call it.

So Attack of the Clones has always been an special film to me because I saw it at a time when I was no longer being viewed as a child, but as a growing teenager.

It's also why I've always been rather defensive of the film too. While the film was titled Attack of the Clones, it may as well have been re-titled, "Attack of Anakin Skywalker (and subsequently, Hayden Christensen)". For over 20 years, there has been an absolute and indescribable hatred of Anakin Skywalker and many people blamed both Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen's supposed poor acting as the result of a badly done Anakin.

And to be honest even though I had a massive crush on Hayden Christensen and was hardly a movie critic at the time, I felt that at times that Anakin could have been better acted. However, I was young and didn't care about the script or the acting. Yet, for years I constantly defended, Attack of the Clones, Anakin Skywalker and Hayden Christensen. Partly due to nostalgia, partly to being a teenage girl and most of all partly to do with understanding the character of Anakin as being misunderstood, misinterpreted and not being treated as an adult by the elders in his life.

Did Anakin have problems? Yes.

Were most of these problems his fault? No.

Did Anakin ever try to fix these problems and better himself? Everyday of his life.

He had nothing, but he gave everything

 The prequels were written as a timeline of a boy's journey from goodness into darkness. Anakin's life is a story arch of sacrifice and redemption. Life has not always been good to Anakin. He was born a slave with no father. He was raised in the strong love of wonderful mother Shmi Skywalker. While Shmi may have been scared and confused as to how she conceived a child without a man, she raised her son in love and simple contentment.

Chances are Anakin and his mother probably faced terrible abuse in their time as slaves and more than once, Anakin may have been separated from Shmi as leverage for greedy slave owners. Although a slave, Anakin was never a victim. He may have been physically owned, but his heart and mind were free. He was his own person, always thinking outside of the box, building, creating, questioning everything and everyone. Not to mention a little wild and rather reckless.

Even as a child Anakin was a little strange to people. For a slave to have such a hopeful and positive attitude may have seemed bizarre to outsiders, but that was just the norm for him. Shmi once remarked that her son knew nothing of greed. For a boy raised with nothing, all he had were his talents as an inventor and growing pilot. And he used his talents for other people. He built C-3PO to help his mom, he entered the podrace to help Qui-Gon Jinn, he always gave without any expectation of being thanked.

A spirit that refused to surrender

After Anakin is freed and sent to train as a Jedi, that wild spirit was still intact. Much to his by-the-book master's dismay. Anakin didn't have the opportunity to grow up in the strict Jedi Temple that was built on order, rules and tradition. As a child, Anakin was use to being himself and not fitting into anyone's mold. His original dream was to be a pilot, not a Jedi. No one asked him if he wanted to be a Jedi, no one asked him if he wanted to be trained by Obi-Wan Kenobi.

While Anakin may have been grateful for both opportunities presented to him, overtime he may have seen this new life as not to different from the one he left. A life run by others. Telling him what to do, where to go, how to dress, how to behave. He survived as a slave because he dared to dream and imagine and refused to be defined by others.

Now he's thrown into a culture where individuality is looked down upon. He lived through the stifling Jedi order because he still held onto those qualities. He was going to be himself on his terms. He would nod his head and say yes when he needed to, but off the clock he would live by his own rules. Something that Obi-Wan and the Jedi order could not understand. And Anakin is getting frustrated by this.

So now we get to Attack of the Clones (and the Attack of Hayden Christensen). Critics came down hard on both Anakin and Hayden. Constantly complaining about Anakin's constant complaining, his tantrums, broodiness and being a crybaby about everything. Critics blamed the disaster of Anakin Skywalker on the terrible miscasting of Hayden Christensen. The only redeeming quality Hayden Christensen had that saved him was the fact he was so easy to look at.

For years, fans were desperate to know who Anakin Skywalker was. And so the pressure to deliver a good character that could measure up to the icon of Darth Vader may have seemed insurmountable. And so when people got this confused, overemotional 19 year old, who has no experience in love or sex, but is madly in love with a beautiful young women; and who wants to be respected in a highly established culture, without losing himself or conforming, well people were just disappointed. The disappointment can be explained in one of Anakin's most famous lines.

"HE'S HOLDING ME BACK!"

He, being George Lucas who was holding back Hayden's actual talent to create a good three dimensional character. Plus his bad script writing. Poor Hayden was just made to read lines on a page and somehow make this sad character somebody that people can root for. Unfortunately fans and critics ate him alive. It's only in recent years that people have begun to realize that they were blaming the wrong person. And by blaming Hayden, they were completely misunderstanding Anakin as a character.

His most beautiful gift, his most fatal flaw

Of all of Anakin's gifts, his ability to love deeply was probably his most profound and his most dangerous. The Jedi Temple forbade romantic attachments to others and for good reason. When you become attached to or love someone beyond the boundaries of platonic friendship you become afraid of losing them. The end of my review for the Star Wars prequels sums it up the best:

In The Phantom Menace, Yoda warns Anakin about the dangers of being afraid. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Anakin's most beautiful attribute is also his most fatal flaw. His ability to love deeply. Yet, if you love someone you will always live in fear of losing them. Anakin was created by darkness, but raised in the light of his mother's love. His own love was made manifest by Padme and then by their unborn child/children. However, Love no matter how strong can be weakened and even be destroyed by the evil of fear. If the prequels taught anything about life, it taught how fear (even in its smallest form) can be be our most detrimental enemy. Living alone in fear and not seeking help is a signing of our own death warrants. What might have happened if Anakin had gone to Obi-Wan and seek his help? Would things have been different? The prequels were not meant to tell a happy story. They were written as a timeline of a boy's journey from goodness into darkness. No, they don't have the silliness or humor of the Originals, because there is nothing humorous about someone's self-destruction. Yet, the story of Anakin Skywalker's transformation had to be told in a way that was real and heartbreaking. To take Darth Vader and make him a human who could feel and understand and love could be an insurmountable task. Yet, you only need to watch his death scene at the end of Return of The Jedi to see that the humane part of Anakin Skywalker had always been there. The prequels were made to be built on that final scene of redemption and human love. A husband's love to save his wife became a father's love that could overcome darkness and hate. An extreme love that defied fear and held on to hope. That was the love of Anakin Skywalker.

Anakin could be a bratty and immature young adult. However, to only base a character by his few annoying flaws is overlooking the bigger and better picture. Anakin was an outsider his whole life and yet that never seemed to bother him. He never cared about fitting in. He was content being himself and he refused to let Obi-Wan or the Jedi Order or even Padme change him. He held onto who he was for as long as he was able to. Then the tragedy of losing his wife changed that. The indomitable spirit wasn't broken, it was destroyed. Anakin re-entered a life of slavery for over 20 years.

And he was ultimately freed by one person. An orphan who once had nothing but a talent as an inventor and dreams of being a pilot. A young Jedi with an unbreakable spirit that refused to surrender to evil or fear or pain or loss. A son who loved his father so deeply that he would fight to the death to free Anakin Skywalker forever.

[gffa]

hi! i really want to get into the EU stuff, but i have absolutely no idea where to start. can you point towards a few good books, maybe? thank you, and i absolutely love your account btw!

Hi!  Thank you for the kind words, I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog.  ♥  Recommendations for EU stuff often depends on what you’re interested in, because there are a lot of books I really enjoyed, so I’ll organize them by era, since that’s how fans are often divided.  I’ll also include comics, because often times the comics are some of the absolute best stuff!If you haven’t watched The Clone Wars and Rebels yet, those are absolutely the places to start as they’re key to the fabric of the bigger story, imo.  Not that you can’t understand the movies without them or anything, but TCW is especially important for understanding just how grueling the clone wars really were.  And Rebels is important for showing the fates of a lot of the TCW characters and seeing the Empire vs the Rebellion (it does a lot to flesh that out, too).PREQUELS:

Any of the Star Wars Adventures comics that contain the prequels characters are great.  Well, ALL of the Adventures comics are great, but the prequels ones are adorable, funny, and yet really well-told.  They’re light-hearted and largely oneshots, but the IDW comics have been incredible for still being some of the absolute best SW content out there.  Especially a not-miss is #12-13 and the 2019 Annual for the Padme&Leia&Breha story.

Obi-Wan & Anakin comic by Charles Soule.  A five-issue mini series that has the most stunning art of all the comics I’ve ever seen pretty much, it’s also a really good look at the time of Anakin’s apprenticeship and provides some interesting glimpses into their early days together.

Darth Vader: Dark Lord of the Sith comic by Charles Soule.  This comic was an absolute phenomenon to read month to month and one of the comic series that I’ve spent the most time analyzing and felt it’s really held up to scrutiny, which shows just how much thought went into it.  It’s 25 issues of Vader fresh off Revenge of the Sith, over the span of a couple years, and really does an AMAZING job of exploring Anakin Skywalker as Darth Vader, all the choices he made and the themes of the comic are all about showing he can’t admit to the HUGE mistakes he’s made.  It was incredible.

Choose Your Destiny: An Obi-Wan & Anakin Adventure by book Cavan Scott.  I’m not usually a fan of Choose Your Own Adventure style stories, but this one was worth it to me to get an absolutely DELIGHTFUL book with Obi-Wan and Anakin, who are cranky with each other, but ultimately show that they can come back together and obviously care about each other.  Sprinkle in some other cool stuff (Jedi details, Bant Eerin being recanonized) and it was lovely.

Dooku: Jedi Lost audiodrama by Cavan Scott.  If you’re interested in Dooku, Asajj Ventress, or the Jedi at all, this drama was pretty amazing, it gave a ton of worldbuilding detail, but also did a lot to fill in the backstory of Dooku and gave us a long look inside Asajj’s head as well.  Qui-Gon makes some appearances, he has an amazing dynamic with Dooku, and my heart as always skips a beat for how much I love the Jedi.

Age of the Republic comics by Jodie Houser.  Holy shit, these comics were SO GOOD.  They’re a series of oneshots about the various heroes and villains of the time, a glimpse into the lives of all of them, and Houser really nailed it here.  My favorite is the Obi-Wan one, because the conversation he has with Anakin about Qui-Gon is a must and delves deepest into the characters’ stuff, but all of them are worth reading.

Jedi of the Republic - Mace Windu comic by Matt Owens.  A five-issue mini series that, okay, the art is Like That but the storyline really worked for me because it’s a really good look at Mace’s character and his belief in the Jedi Order and how he came to master himself and how the galaxy looks at Jedi.  It’s woven around a fairly typical action plot, but one of the things that always strikes me is the compassion the Jedi show one of their own, even when they’re falling into darkness, as well as this is a comic about Mace Windu’s faith and his work to master himself and it’s SO GOOD.

Kanan: The Last Padawan comics by Greg Weisman.  Stunning art plus a look at some of the characters/relationships that I want so much more of (TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT DEPA BILLABA) and more glimpses into life at the Jedi Temple, as well as telling the story of how the character went from Caleb Dume to Kanan Jarrus, all of it heartbreaking and so, so good.

While the Revenge of the Sith novelization by Matthew Stover is no longer canon, but it does an absolutely phenomenal job of breaking your heart all over again for the characters and expanding on everything that was going on during that time and really, really gets into the headspace of Anakin’s character in a way that was line-edited by George Lucas himself, so I think of it as having a lot of emotional truths to it, rather than being part of canon (which it’s specifically said as not being).

ORIGINALS:

The ongoing Star Wars comic (by Jason Aaron, then Kieron Gillen) + the original Darth Vader comic (by Kieron Gillen) are the absolute best place to start, they’re an incredible addition to the characters’ journeys between ANH and ESB.  The two comics are meant to be read concurrently, so I recommend them together, they often show the same scenes from different points of view, but you can roll with either of them if they’re going well for you.  They’re my favorite for what they add to the story.

Star Wars Battlefront II’s storyline can be watched on YouTube like a movie, which is about two hours long, has some fantastic characters (Iden Versio and Del Meeko are amazing, but also the brief storylines the OT trio have in the game are fantastic) and it does a really great job of helping to bridge the gap between the OT and the ST, explaining a lot about Jakku’s significance and how the First Order popped up.

From a Certain Point of View novel by various.  MY FAVORITE BOOK IN THE EU, FULL STOP.  A series of point of view stories from various supporting characters during A New Hope is exactly what it sounds like and, okay, not all of them worked out for me, some of them are very skippable if you’re not enjoying it, but the Obi-Wan one, the Qui-Gon one, and the Yoda one are all must-reads because they are HEARTBREAKING and fill in so much of what’s going on with those characters in the OT with regards to the PT events.  Also the Motti one is the single funniest thing Star Wars has ever put out.

Lords of the Sith novel by Paul S. Kemp.  While I’ve only read about a third of this one so far, I’ve enjoyed it a lot, as it’s a look at some of the worst parts of SW’s timeline, where Vader and Palpatine are at their worst, where Ryloth is suffering, but it’s done with deftness and gravitas, imo.  Possibly better after you’ve seen TCW and Rebels because Cham Syndulla’s character will have more weight then.

Legends of Luke Skywalker novel by Ken Liu.  This book came out around the time that The Last Jedi came out (or at least that’s when I read it, iirc) and it was a balm for my soul that needed Jedi Master Luke Skywalker.  It’s an in-universe series of myths, so it’s not literal, it’s stories told about Luke Skywalker as he travels the galaxy trying to understand the Force and the Jedi.  It’s lovely!

Thrawn novel by Timothy Zahn.  I still think the first Thrawn book was really good (even if the shine came off the apple after that) and it does a fantastic job of setting up the character’s backstory, intro into the Empire, and creating the character of Eli Vanto, WHOM I LOVE.  It’s a great read and some of the best of Zahn’s Thrawn work.

ROGUE ONE + SOLO:

The Rogue One novelization by Alexander Freed.  I had trouble connecting to Jyn Erso when I first watched the movie, but the way Freed wrote her as this messy, complicated, thorny person who was trying to do the right thing was perfect for making me fall in love with her.  (Freed is really, really good at writing messy, complicated, worthwhile women, imo.)

Most Wanted novel by Rae Carson.  I loved this book a lot, where it’s a young adult novel set before the events of Solo and helps tell Han and Qi’ra’s backstory and is a great space adventure at the same time.

Catalyst novel by James Luceno.  This does a really great job of bridging the Republic era with the Empire era, how the galaxy went from the Clone Wars to what we see in Rogue One, AND expanded a ton on Galen Erso’s character, his relationship with Orson Krennic and Lyra Erso and Jyn, so it made the R1 experience just a ton more valuable for me.

SEQUELS:

Bloodline novel by Claudia Gray.  This book still does the absolute most to bridge the gap between the OT and the ST, to explain the events of what happened in that time period.  Gray’s writing is best when she’s writing Leia as a character and this book works as a novel for her and as a story about the rise of the First Order and some of the problems of the New Republic.

Spark of the Resistance is a young adult novel (so about 200 pages) by Justina Ireland.  I only recently read this one and I just thoroughly enjoyed it, it was Rey and Rose and Poe off on their own adventure, which was typical cute Star Wars stuff, but the chemistry and adorable banter between these three was so good I could have read an entire series for them!  (I also liked her Lando’s Luck YA novel, if you’re interested in his character.)

Poe Dameron comics by Charles Soule.  Soule’s writing is some of the best stuff in SW so far and he does an absolutely phenomenal job of capturing the charisma of Poe’s character, while also giving him an actual character arc to work through.  The comics just fly by, they’re so good and so smoothly easy to read and so damn charming.

Cobalt Squadron novel by Elizabeth Wein.  If you get the audiobook of this, it’s narrated by Kelly Marie Tran, who does a love job of reading it, and was a book that helped me just utterly FALL IN LOVE with Rose Tico.  It’s a book that does a lot to explain her back story and who she is and it’s just absolutely wonderful.

The Last Jedi novelization by Jason Fry.  If you really, really hated TLJ, this might not be the book for you, but I found it to be a book that helped fill in some smaller details that made the movie work better for me and got inside the characters’ heads just enough to help grease the wheels to put me in a better place with the movie, so I always really like it.

[nadziejastar]

Hi! I love all your theories so much! They were a saving force for me after finishing KH3 and being frustrated at how little sense it all made. Thank you so much for taking your time to write all your theories down! I also want to ask your thoughts about Xehanort's story. Since he's THE villain of the story he is extremely important, yet I feel he wasn't explored much (v flat). I think, like you said in BBSV2 theory, writers in a way just didn't have a chance to. (1/2)

What do you think his story was meant to be like? His supposed fall to darkness? They tried to make him sympathetic in KH3 ending and it felt really undeserved and out of nowhere. (2/2)

Xehanort was a Member of a Secret Society

Nomura: At first, I did want to use a next game to dig down into how Xehanort went from that simple boy playing the chess-like game to an admirer of the darkness. But, if I do that, then the Dark Seeker Chronicle wouldn’t have ended with KH3 after all (laughs.) Some ideas had solidified to a degree, but it’s shelved for now.

Thank you. When I get responses like yours, it makes writing it all out worth it. I feel such a strong compulsion because it is so heartbreaking to see how badly the story got butchered. Definitely have to agree about Xehanort. I was so confused by how he was portrayed. Whatever they had going was obviously half-baked.

A lot of things in KH3 really made no sense at all. It seems like they had a complete story planned at one point. They altered a lot of things, but left other stuff in. They removed Xehanort’s past, but instead of altering his character accordingly, they left the sympathetic ending in. Same with the power of waking. Instead of changing the story, they left all the scenes of the characters being unconscious. I’m glad they did, because it is pretty good evidence for my theory, but it’s still really weird.

Until a few short years ago, I’d known only my own world, a speck of land surrounded by sea. But how I’d dreamed of, yearned for the World beyond… And, granted guidance from the future, I left that nest behind.

As for Xehanort…where do I even start? There are so many plot holes. In canon, Xehanort’s ability to time travel makes absolutely NO sense. How did he even leave his home world to begin with? How did he get that No Name Keyblade? Young Xehanort could not use the Keyblade as a secret boss in BBS. Why is he able to time travel in the first place?

Young Xehanort: Yes. This was where it started. At this point, I still had no idea that I was talking to myself. He cast away his bodily form just to set me on the appointed path. To move through time, you must leave your body behind. Ansem first sent me on my way, and then placed himself here when the time was right. That was what set all these events in motion.

In canon it just seems like Young Xehanort got the ability to time travel from… his future self? Um, what? But…how? That doesn’t even…

Joshua: If he is, Riku’s on one side of the Portal, and you’re on the other. He might be by your side–he might be a million miles away. You can’t measure the distance in time or space. Even without the wall between you, it’s hard to say.

It probably has something to do with portals, which were NEVER properly explained. Riku used one when he entered the Realm of Sleep to use the power of waking on Sora. And it was the key to beating Xehanort at the end of KH3, though I had no idea why. Because it’s never elaborated on.

Joshua: Hello there, Riku. Portals are like gateways that link up our worlds. Apparently, the world you and I are standing in right now–well, there are two copies of it. It’s been sort of split in half. Portals are what let folks like us cross between them.

Riku: There can be two of a world?

Joshua: The world is as many things as people need it to be. The concept that we all live in the same world–that’s just in our heads. Surely you knew?

According to the Xehanort timeline from the series Memorial Ultimania, Sora acted as a portal because he had the Recusant’s Sigil on him.  And it suggested that Isa was able to be tracked due to his scar. I’m guessing he was the portal that allowed Young Xehanort to show up in the 2.5 secret ending. The “X” was SO important. And it was not mentioned at all in KH3.

Were the 13 Seekers of Darkness, who were meant to be in different times, gathered by transcending time with magic?

Just as it says in the story, to transcend time one must “first” discard their body. As a result of the actions of the Robed Figure, they all were in a state where they had gained the power to transcend time. The Robed Figure explains these facts. The thirteen were summoned at the same time, this time thanks to the Young Xehanort who borrowed that power. However, apart from Young Xehanort, that does not mean that all the members left their own time.

Apparently, anyone can travel through time if they discard their body. But that doesn’t explain how the Robed Figure could pass the ability on to Young Xehanort, who didn’t give up his body.

In other words, Ansem and Xemnas were simultaneously existing in the time-space of KH3D as well as their newly recompleted human form after being destroyed?

Yes, it does turn out that way. However, as I said before, The World That Never Was–where the thirteen all met–is a special space. The mechanics behind how they were all able to exist at the same time is a mystery. From KH1 on, Ansem has returned no matter how many times he has been defeated, perhaps the same sort of thing happened.

I think that the time travel ability was supposed to get waaaay more explanation in BBSV2. There was so much more to delve into. Like how it works and why Xehanort could visit his past self in the first place. And why TWTNW was special. Those special circumstances were no doubt supposed to allow the other Xehanort’s to exist simultaneously outside of TWTNW. Xehanort had some ability to transcend time.

Xemnas cannot exist in the present because there is already a Xehanort here: the old man in charge. The old man’s humanity prevents his Heartless and Nobody, others vanquished in the past, and his younger self from being denizens of this time. To circumvent this, Xehanort is using the prototype replicas I created in the past as containers, plucking his other selves’ hearts from the time they existed. Xehanort ordered me to refine the prototypes, to make them closer still to the real thing. Perfecting my creations so they may house true, flesh-and-blood human suits my own purposes as well. All that remains for my atonement is to devise a way to pass on as many of the vessels as I can to those who truly deserve them. -Vexen’s Report

This whole idea came out of NOWHERE. YX didn’t need a replica to time travel. And MX didn’t need a replica for Terranort. He has a special Keyblade with a clock and an hourglass keychain. That’s the real reason he can do what he does. The Replica program was NOT originally the reason for all this. There was something special about the Robed Figure. He gained some type of special ability when he cast aside his body, and it was connected to YX’s special Keyblade.

Goofy: We defeated Ansem and Xehanort—every last one of ‘em. But still they all came back anyway, right? So, maybe this Riku “came back” too, from the time when Ansem possessed him.

Donald: Yeah, from the past!

Sora: What? How?

Riku: Unlike a certian wizard you know, I had to play by the rules to travel through time. Which meant leaving my body behind.

I don’t believe for one second that Riku Replica was always going to be relevant in KH3. 

From KH1 on, Ansem has returned no matter how many times he has been defeated, perhaps the same sort of thing happened.

Goofy’s quote sounds so similar to Nomura’s quote when he was asked about TWTNW and all the Xehanorts existing at the same time. It makes WAY more sense if they were going to use time travel with young Riku. That’s why he was already a Seeker of Darkness in the Sleeping World. I think that’s KH1 Riku, but in an alternate timeline.

If replicas were the key to travel to the future, wouldn’t YX have taken a LOT more interest in Vexen when he retrieved Saïx? But no, they just left him there when he was recompleted. Heck, Xemnas didn’t even seem to care that much about Vexen getting snuffed out at Castle Oblivion. Why didn’t Vexen get an X-shaped scar so they could always track him, like Isa did? Why did he have to volunteer to join in the first place? It’s SO stupid.

Xemnas: But then, through Roxas, Sora himself began to shape “it” into “her,” giving Xion a sense of identity. I was ready to scrap the whole project…

Xemnas didn’t seem to value the Replica Project too much after Xion developed a sense of self. And I always thought Xion’s appearance was an illusion, since it differed from person to person. She’s a robot infused with memories (ie. data). So she only has an appearance in the eye of the viewer. Riku replica was probably the same. But now all of a sudden the replicas can turn into flesh and blood people when they get hearts? That’s quite the technological leap there, but…okay.

The Heartless come from people’s hearts, as does the darkness. Is the core of the world’s heart the world of the Heartless? I will pursue the answer there and become all knowing. My path is set. I shall seek out the wielder of the Keyblade, and the princesses. My body is too frail for such a journey, but I must do this. I will cast it off and plunge into the depths of darkness.

Why did Apprentice Xehanort suddenly decide to cast away his body?

Pureblood or Emblem, these Heartless act only to fulfill their instinctive needs. They single-mindedly detect hearts and swarm around them. A human’s commands would be ineffective: the Heartless would easily steal the human’s heart and use it to increase their own ranks. But what if an even stronger Heartless was giving the orders? If he cast aside his own soul and body and became a Heartless, wouldn’t he be able to control the otherwise intractable Heartless? Furthermore, wouldn’t he be planning to make use of the creatures’ instincts? If the heart-seeking Heartless have their sights set on a larger, more powerful heart, their ultimate goal is crystal-clear. The largest heart in existence—the heart of the world.This is all conjecture, but it would seem he is utilizing the Heartless in his search for a path leading to the heart of the world.

He was actually commanding the Heartless.

When a person’s heart is stolen, a Heartless is born with no sense of self, and the body and soul left behind give rise to a Nobody. But what if one willingly releases one’s heart from one’s body? Sora and Xehanort retained their selfhood even after becoming Heartless.

And the reason he retained his sense of self was because he chose to become a Heartless. Just like Braig was the only one who retained his sense of self at the end of KH3D. Because he was the only one who chose to be a vessel.

Axel: There was a time he became a Heartless. And if one becomes a Heartless—

Larxene: They lose their minds and their feelings… They’re consumed by the darkness.

Axel: Right. But not Sora. He held on to his feelings, even as a Heartless. And there’s only one other man who’s been able to do just that.

Apparently Axel witnessed Xehanort become a Heartless.

Lea: I guess Xehanort doesn’t count, but where are Braig and…Isa?

Why didn’t Xehanort count? I’m sure this was important. It sounds really interesting. Too bad we’ll never learn about it.

Yen Sid: For that to work, a version of himself would have had to exist at both source and destination. Not even Xehanort can transport his whole body across vast reaches of time.

Young Xehanort: There are restrictions to movement through time. First, you must leave your body behind to do it. Then, there must be a version of you waiting at the destination. Upon arrival, you can only move forward as per the laws of time. And you cannot rewrite the events that are destined to happen.

You can time travel if you leave your body behind. But that doesn’t explain how Young Xehanort got that Keybalde. He was clearly the main “portal”.

Nomura knew this all didn’t make sense. It’s why he wanted to explain it in the next game, but that plan got shelved. Everything about Xehanort’s backstory appears to be heavily inspired by Freemasonry and other secret societies. The all-seeing eye, the goat, the chess board and even the coffin with the X on it. Freemasonry was derived from what were known in ancient Egypt as “mystery schools.” So, it fits with the Egyptian origin of the Recusant’s Sigil and the Eye or Ra/Horus. If I had to guess, I’d say Xehanort got inducted into some kind of secret society after meeting Eraqus. I think he was being manipulated by a force greater than himself.

As I treaded the path to my master’s side, I came in contact with darkness in many forms. I knew even then, as by instinct: terrifying as its power was, it could be harnessed. Mastered. Eraqus is a blueblood, descended from the very first masters in the age of fairy tales. But I did not come this far to indulge in adulation. I will be his peer. His equal. And to do that, I must learn to wield the power born from both darkness and light in proper balance.

Secret societies and fraternal orders have a philosophy of “get them while they’re young”. Usually they recommend students belonging to well-bred families for special training. And Eraqus was a blueblood. Xehanort had to be exceptional to fraternize with the likes of him.

As a Keyblade Master, Xehanort had a gift like few others. But such great minds are often plagued by a single great question. What is the essence of the human heart that weakens us, or empowers us? The answer, he believed, would be found in the “Keyblade War.” What if the challenges of our past were, in fact, a map to the light and darkness that battles within us all? Xehanort had to know, so he renounced his duties as master and chose the seeker’s life. Since then, in many a guise, he has clashed with protectors of the light–Keyblade wielders like yourselves.

These groups are convinced that men of special ability and brains have the RIGHT to rule those less gifted. They use hidden knowledge to gain power and control over those ignorant of the whole truth. Many of them consider almost all of humanity to be cattle or spiritually dead. It reminded me a lot of the way Xehanort just branded Isa with the “X”. He truly believes he is superior, and has the right to control him. Because he’s ignorant. He’s not enlightened. He’s dead anyways, so what does it matter?

Much time has passed since I left the home of my youth behind, and in the myriad worlds I have since visited, I have gained much knowledge. On these pages, I intend to record a portion of that knowledge, and put the course of my life to paper. Upon reflection, my life underwent the most considerable sea-change when I arrived at that place. Yes, it began when I found a Master, and another I would later call my brother—when I found a new home.

Scala ad Caelum is Latin for “Stairway to Heaven” which is a big theme in Masonry.

Then there was the Keyblade. For what purpose was it begotten, and by whom? During my training as one of its wielders, the precepts offered a clear answer: the Keyblade existed so that we who watched over the light could protect the world from the shadows. But was that the TRUE answer? Could there not be more to it than that? My heart sought knowledge, and so I sometimes visited other worlds—though such travel was forbidden unless duty required—and found what my heart sought.

Xehanort didn’t know about the X-Blade when he was training under his master alongside Eraqus.

I have uncovered the Keyblade’s ultimate mystery. You see, besides the three families of Keyblades, there is another “Key Blade.” While it may sound the same when spoken, it is notated uniquely: “χ-blade.” And make no mistake, while it resembles a normal Keyblade, it is something altogether different. Keyblades are said to be man-made counterparts to Kingdom Hearts. The χ-blade, however, coexists with Kingdom Hearts. It is only forged when two hearts of equal power intersect—one heart of pure darkness, one heart of pure light. At the time of its forging, Kingdom Hearts appears. It must be noted, though, that this Kingdom Hearts is special. Unlike the Kingdoms brought about forcibly and artificially through the collection of hearts, THIS Kingdom Hearts is a perfect and complete union of ALL the worlds’ hearts. Surely it was over this that the ancient Keyblade War was fought. If so, the walls that divide the worlds today are of little consequence. With the χ-blade, all their hearts could be instantly reunited—and the Keyblade War, refought.

He only found out later. Somebody taught him about it. Now, I think all of this might have been intended to tie into Union X lore. I didn’t play that game and I’m not fully versed on all its lore. But I think more importantly, it had to do with “Cable Town”, which we now know is named Scala ad Caelum.

In KH BbS, Master Xehanort’s goal behind opening Kingdom Hearts was to “create a new world.” But in this game, he says it is to “reset the world.” Why the difference?

Nomura: What was revealed in this game was another piece of the truth: his goal was “this world is no longer any good, and we have to recreate it from scratch.”

In 2014, Square held a launch event for KH2.5 HD Remix. They showed a new trailer to the people in attendance. In that trailer, Sora was shown in a brand new world that we have never seen. It looked similar to The Land of Departure, which was probably based off of it. It was taken out by the time KH3 released.

This trailer was shown off to the audience, then Square acted like it never existed. It was never released publicly. I think this is because they retconned Cable Town, and turned into the ruins of Daybreak Town. I truly don’t think that was always supposed to be the case. Even if it was, it was still supposed to be way more important than that. One of the attendees who saw the trailer drew a picture of what he saw in the trailer. Sora actually traveled there. Xehanort’s past was a “piece” of the truth. No doubt one of the fragments that was supposed to be covered in BBSV2. I bet Scala ad Caelum was supposed to be KH3′s equivalent of Traverse Town, Radiant Garden, and Twilight Town.

I think Xehanort started off with pure intentions. He genuinely wanted to rebuild the world. He didn’t always have pointy ears and yellow eyes. I think he started off as an innocent resident of Scala ad Caelum. Then he became involved with a secret society. And you can see the checkerboard theme and even a Recusant’s Sigil on the chalkboard to far-right of this room. The black and white checkerboard pattern is in all Masonic lodges. It represents duality - that good (light) cannot exist without evil (darkness).

Light and darkness are two sides of the same coin; without darkness, there is no light. The Keyblade wielders’ great war over Kingdom Hearts was fought by defenders of the light, servants of darkness, those who sought to reconcile the two, and those motivated by nothing more than lust for power. A whole spectrum of thought was swept into the conflict, and the worlds that did not go to war found the war brought to them. In the end, the whole World was cast into darkness.That was how the ancient Keyblade War drew to a close. To this day, no one has ever managed to open the door to Kingdom Hearts. Some time later, the little light that remained in the hearts of the few gave rise to the World we know today: one made of many worlds behind just as many walls, so that the Keyblade War would not be repeated.

Which is of course, what Xehanort believes.

Where did the Organization’s coat and mark come from?

Xemnas remembering his human years. One year after BbS, Xehanort as well as five other apprentices toss aside their hearts. Then the Nobody Xemnas was born, and the Organization which he creates takes a lot of things from his memories as a human. But as Xemnas had two people who he was, Terra and Master Xehanort, he takes from both of their memories.

Master Xehanort wore the black robe when he left Ventus on Destiny Islands. Xemnas wears it due to him remembering his human days. In modern strands of Satanism, black robes are often worn in magical rituals and initiation ceremonies. Various Satanic/Luciferian spells and rituals have strong Saturnian elements in them.

Saturn always had a negative, if not evil significance to the ancients. In ancient times, it was called “The Greater Malefic” which was opposed to Jupiter, “The Greater Benefic”. Saturn is esoterically associated with man’s limitations, restrictions, death and decay. His Greek name was “Chronos”, the ruler of time, which was seen as the main factor inevitably leading to the death of mortals. He was also often depicted…eating children.

It is believed that the Grim Reaper is based on the Greek god Chronos, also known as Father Time. Traditional representations of the Grim Reaper originate from the attributes of the god Saturn, who held the sickle. Chronos’ ties to time and the harvest spawned the symbolism of the Reaper’s hourglass and scythe. Perhaps this was what inspired Xehanort’s usage of “planting seeds,” when he was referring to his plans to make vessels. Then he could harvest them, by turning them into another Xehanort, which is akin to killing them. It seems Xehanort wore the black robe while disposing of Ventus because it was a sort of death ritual for him. Organization XIII is literally a death cult. To join, you have to change your name to one with an “X” in it.

Young Xehanort: Every Keyblade master is bequeathed a Keyblade of his very own. With the passing of time, as you can imagine, more and more Keyblades were forged to be handed down. But of all the Keyblades in existence, Master Xehanort’s is the most ancient. That is my destiny. But it has yet…to become a reality.

In Greek mythology, Chronos is said to have emerged from the primordial Chaos. He hatched from the world-egg at the beginning of time. Saturn has also been associated with Satan for numerous reasons. First, many authors argue that the word Satan is derived from the word Saturn. Second, Saturn is associated with the color black, like Satan. Third, Ancients considered Saturn to be the farthest planet from the sun. Saturn is consequently the celestial body that is the least exposed to the sun’s divine light and thus associated with the principle of Evil. The god Pan, the horned deity, represented Saturn in ancient paganism. This half-man half-goat creature is considered the ancestor of our modern depictions of Satan.

Saturn is also associated with a black cube, which might possibly be associated with the Master of Master’s black box. The cube represents earth in Pythagorean, Indian, Egyptian (Pharaohs sitting on cube thrones), and Platonic traditions. It’s even recognized as a sacred symbol today by the Freemasons when they stand on an oblong square during particular rituals to the “Worshipful Master”. But who knows.

Xehanort: But darkness did cover the world once, in legend. We know so little about the Keyblade War–only that it was just the beginning. Amidst that crisis a precious light was found. It is a curious tale–and one worth exploring. They say ruin brings about creation. So what, then, would another Keyblade War bring? When the darkness falls, will we be found worthy of the precious light the legend speaks of? I must have these answers. The X-blade needs to be forged, and with it, the door to the Keyblade War unlocked!

These secret groups believe in a system of dualism that cyclically repeats as synthesis results. Chaos begets order, but chaos ensues again, followed by order, and so on. The conflict of opposites finally leads to equilibrium, but it’s disturbed once again by renewed conflict, and a new, temporary stage of equilibrium is achieved. So, there’s a never-ending cycle of chaos, followed by order. Order is always temporary. 

Like Ying and Yang, death and rebirth, Order and Chaos follow from and give birth to one another, in an ever-renewing cycle. It’s all about opposites coming together. Which I like because Lea and Isa had the same theme with their relationship. But instead of being a clash of opposites, it’s a union of opposites. It’s like a big “Fuck you” to Xehanort. It’s probably why the writers designed them to be that way. It’s very clever, honestly.

Eraqus: Fool… You would risk an apocalypse out of sheer curiosity? I will never allow it, Xehanort. Not while I live!

Xehanort: But once again you have it all wrong, Eraqus. Darkness is a beginning, you see, not an end. At birth, every one of us emerges from darkness into a world of light, do we not?

There’s a Latin expression, Ordo ab Chao, meaning Order out of Chaos. It’s a motto of the Thirty-third Degree, and has the same meaning as Lux e Tenebris, or “from Darkness to Light”. It is believed that through the doctrine of Chaos, one could attain higher wisdom by upending the naturalized routines of everyday life. As Chaos ensues, old orders are broken down to allow new ones to emerge.

According to higher Masonic dogma, the New World Order will result after a period of choreographed chaos. Man could shape history and achieve ultimate peace only through repetitive episodes of controlled conflict between opposing forces. The idea is that men must create, manipulate and manage the inevitable conflict of Chaos in order to create a pre-determined outcome – the controlled change, the synthesis.

And when Kingdom Hearts is complete, it is said the one who opens its door will bring about the creation of the Next World. Such a feat is above any human. Or, to put it a different way: whoever opens that door will be reborn as something far greater than human. Light and darkness are two sides of the same coin; without darkness, there is no light.

This is what Xehanort wanted to do. He wanted to start over by initiating a high dimensional clash of polarities, forge the X-Blade, then open the door to Kingdom Hearts.

If I become the first to open Kingdom Hearts’ door, I can create a Next World in which light and darkness exist in perfect equilibrium.

He thinks that if light and darkness are perfectly balanced, then he can create a world where there is no more chaos. So no more wars or anything. Ever.

We Keyblade Masters have a special gift. We can extract a heart, be it our own or that of another. By continuing this cycle, it is possible to remain in the world of the living forever.

I highly doubt that Xehanort invented this technique. Somebody taught him how to do it. Personally, I think Xehanort became involved with some kind of extra-dimensional entity during his involvement with the cult, and it attached itself to him. That’s why we see the giant black demon-looking thing coming out of all the Seekers of Darkness in KH3. He probably was not fully possessed like Terra was. But it definitely infected him. If I had to guess, I’d say the entity was something inspired by Pan, who is associated with Saturn. Pan can be considered a much earlier representation of other deceptive horned gods, most notably Satan. The prefix “-pan” meaning “all” originates from him.

“Don’t believe your dreams are just fantasy. If you can imagine a world, believe in it and dive in.”

Pan was said to be void of any spiritual essence, instead causing imaginative visions – stepping inside oneself and into the unconscious dream world. Like a nightmare, Pan evoked the deepest and darkest forms of ones own psyche, and its fantastical creations. Pan forced people to cross over into the unconscious world, a world distorted by repressed sexual desire, and primitive fear. A good example of this is shown through the character Puck (who is Pan) in Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” and his fascination with the themes of sleep and distortion.

In addition, the story of “Peter Pan” also represents the same form of escapism, crossing over into a world of fantasy. Interestingly, the word “pant” comes from the Old French for Pantasier, literally meaning, “gasping for breath during a nightmare.” It even traces its roots to the ancient Greek word Phantasioun, which gave rise to the word Phantasia, meaning “fantasy.”

Another significant relation between the prefix “-pan” and the theme of evil is found in the myth of “Pandora’s Box,” a name that means, “all-gifted.”  As the first female on earth, Pandora was given every characteristic, from beauty to cunning, as a gift from the gods. Yet, all that was released from her box were conflicts, and evils that plagued humanity. In 358/2 Days, one of the gears is called “Pandora’s Gear”.

The word “pandemic” holds this same meaning, as it is formed by the word pan- “all” and the word demos, “people,” yet is defined as an outbreak of disease, and sin among society. Pan was the daemon that disorders the intellect. He represents magic and chaos. He is associated with the idea “Order out of Chaos”. The idea is that the natural world is an evil place, or far too chaotic to be considered any good. In human nature chaos is found everywhere, from the unconscious mind to the waking unrest of emotion. It culminates, inevitably, by spreading out into nature as a whole, like a contagious disease.

Were the members of Organisation XIII that grew hearts unsuitable as vessels for Xehanort?

That’s not necessarily the case, however the details are a secret.

I have NO idea if this was intentional or not, but you can see Saturn-looking rings around the artificial Kingdom Hearts. I always wondered where Xemnas even got the idea to make an artificial Kingdom Hearts?

Xemnas: There hangs the heart of all hearts–Kingdom Hearts–shining down on us at last. See the countless hearts that have gathered? Hearts full of rage… hate…sadness…and bliss. There, in the sky, hangs the promise of a new world.

What even IS an artificial Kingdom Hearts?

Xemnas: My friends! Remember why we have organized–all the things we hope to achieve. The strength of the human heart is vast. Soon, though…we will have gained power over it! Never again will it…have power over us.

Why would completing it allow him to turn all the members into Xehanort? This is all just theoretical, but there have been books written by people who claim that the moon is an interdimensional, interdensity portal for entities and energies from other dimensions. 

It is suggested that these beings called Archons, use the moon as a home base for hijacking signals from the universe so that our bodily forms that are experiencing this reality on Earth, can’t fully experience what it was meant to by the Creator. Basically, the moon is capable of blocking certain abilities of the pineal gland, which is our “third” eye that connects us with our consciousness. They feed off of the negative emotions of humans. I can’t help but suspect that ideas like these influenced Kingdom Hearts lore. 

Xigbar: Xemnas and Xehanort formed the Organization for a specific reason—round up a bunch of empty husks, hook them up to Kingdom Hearts, then fill them all with the exact same heart and mind. Translation–they were gonna turn all the members into Xehanort.

God, I can’t get over how the story in KH3 makes NO sense. The whole reason Xemnas was creating an artificial Kingdom Hearts was to turn everyone into vessels. Yet KH3 is so casual about it. Everyone treats being in the New Organization like it’s a party or something. Lea was so nonchalant about fighting Isa at the Keyblade Graveyard. He wasn’t concerned about Isa, himself, or his other friends dying. Or even the possibility of the APOCALYPSE happening. All of these ideas regarding Xehanort and the secret society he joined were left on the cutting room floor. It really is such a shame.

[spectral-musette]

So, the Avengers: Endgame spoiler ban is lifted, and I’ve had a chance to mull over my responses, so I’m finally going to try to write up some thoughts. I was hoping to have seen it again in the interim, but that didn’t work out, so I’m relying on memory from one viewing – it’s possible I’ve missed or misinterpreted things.

Spoilers to follow, so scroll carefully, Ye on Mobile! Also, sorry about the Long Post (TM), I apparently I had a lot to say.

 Time-wise, for its 3 hour length, the film didn’t feel long to me. It maintained its momentum and nothing felt laggy or tedious, even the big battles.

Time travel-wise… Okay, positive stuff first. I thought that revisiting the settings of earlier films was absolutely delightful and nostalgic. It felt very satisfying to have those call backs to earlier adventures and cameos of old enemies (Crossbones, Pierce, Zola, and, surprise, even Sitwell). The Cap vs. Cap fight was hilarious, and I loved seeing Steve so utterly exasperated with himself (“I can do this all d-“, “YEAH, I know.”). The scene in the 70’s was good, though some of the Tony and Howard stuff rang a little hollow to me. I think that’s mostly because I’ve always had trouble reconciling Dominic Cooper’s Young Howard Stark (who I’m very fond of, especially after Agent Carter) to the older version of Howard we see in various flashbacks. They look, sound, and act nothing alike; my friends and I always joke that Hydra replaced Howard sometime in the 60’s. So while an aged up Dominic Cooper Howard probably would’ve made me emotional, as it was, I was more moved to see 20 seconds of Jarvis than for all the stuff with Tony talking to his dad about fatherhood.

Using the “Quantum Realm” for time travel was… okay…. Insofar as the “science” of the Ant-Man films has absolutely never made any damn sense (and that’s …. fine. They’re funny and joyful, and I enjoy them a lot anyway. I don’t go to Marvel movies for “realistic” science fiction), throwing time travel into the mix felt like it just might as well happen. I guess I understand why they chose to go with the “nothing we do in the past can affect our own timelines” approach, but frankly it’s still giving me a headache. I also understand not over-explaining, but there’s a middle ground there that wasn’t quite achieved for me. I guess, based on the scene with Tilda Swinton (sorry, haven’t seen Dr. Strange and don’t know her character’s name) and Bruce, we’re supposed to assume that every journey to the past (cue Anastasia music) creates or perhaps just shifts the time traveler into an alternate reality that branches from their original reality at that point? And then when they travel back to the time they started from via the quantum realm, they return to their original version of reality. So the actions that they take in the past affect that alternate reality, but not the reality that they came from and return to. That’s the only thing I can figure out that makes sense to me at all, but unfortunately the film didn’t make that especially clear. Maybe seeing it again would clarify? So this is gonna be a big factor in how I feel about Steve’s ending, but I’ll get to that in a moment.

Also, a tangent re: time travel… While Tony (an engineer) and Bruce (a biologist) are both brilliant, this seems a little outside their areas of expertise! You know, wouldn’t it be great if we had a character who was an astrophysicist who could really tackle this type of thing - OH HEY, we do! I realize that there were probably issues with getting Natalie Portman back in a substantial role, but I love Jane Foster a lot and I would’ve loved seeing her work with Tony and Bruce to save the universe with a handful of Pym Particles.

OKAY, there’s an awful lot to cover, so I’m going to break down some of my feelings by character just to try to stay organized.

(First, a disclaimer that I haven’t seen Captain Marvel yet, so while Carol seemed like a great character, I don’t have a lot to say since I don’t really know her yet. That said, this seemed like an adequate introduction to the character and I am interested to know more. We have the problem of “if Fury could’ve called her anytime why didn’t he call her during the Chitauri attack/to fight Ultron/etc.” But all the individual titles that come after the team-ups have that problem a little bit… Where were the Other Avengers in Thor 2 or Iron-Man 3, etc.? Sometimes you just have to accept and move on.)

Briefly:

Nebula and Gamora, Tony, Bruce, Scott, with a quick note about Wanda and a very conspicuous absence

And the heavier stuff regarding:

Thor, Natasha, and Steve (and Sam and Bucky).

Nebula and Gamora:

While the Guardians aren’t really my thing, I did vaguely know that in the original Infinity Gauntlet comic storyline, Nebula takes the gauntlet from Thanos and fixes reality. I understand not following the comics exactly for the sake of surprise and to fit with the changed version of the universe, but it still felt wrong to totally take that away from her. Especially given what Thanos has done to her, personally, it seemed fitting that she was going to be the one defeat him. I’m glad she was still pivotal to the story, but it felt like an extra kick in the teeth that past!Nebula was the catalyst for Thanos catching up with our heroes rather than getting to be the one who saves the universe. And forcing her to kill her past self felt like it should’ve been treated with much more gravity than it finally was.

I’m really glad we “saved” Gamora by bringing the version of her from the past into the current timeline (however that works), but I feel so bad for anyone who’s really invested in Gamora/Peter Quill. It’s so heartbreaking that their entire history never happened as far as she’s concerned, that we’ve not only removed that very key relationship, but her character growth over the past how many years. It is at least hopeful; Peter remembers, and has the chance to woo her again, but that’s still got to sting.

Tony:

So Tony Stark sure did die.

I’m not sure… he really needed to? I mean I don’t think I get the rationale of the Infinity Gauntlet killing/maiming the user. I recall the handwavey line about gamma radiation, but if you don’t immediately die after using it, couldn’t you juuuust, say, use the Reality Stone to be like, “hey what if I wasn’t mortally injured”? Couldn’t somebody ELSE do that? I’m not sure I get that.

So that said, I’m not sure if RDJ was really pushing for “you gotta kill me off” for dramatic effect or just to step out of the franchise? It would’ve been kinda cool to see retired Tony working as Avenger-support, working on suits for Rhodey and future Iron-heroes (Iron Patriot? Iron Heart?), mentoring Peter and other youths, and living his nice life with Pepper and their munchkin.

But what a way to go, huh? Dramatic self-sacrifice saving the the planet(/universe?), and a funeral that almost everybody who’s anybody shows up for.

Bruce:

I’m with Valkyrie that I preferred EITHER version to PermaHulk Bruce. Honestly, the Hulk himself had sort of become an independent character, especially after Ragnarok (my issues with Ragnarok aside). So by Bruce settling into this “I look like the Hulk but I act like Bruce” limbo, are we … essentially killing the Other Guy? I don’t like that. I mean I prefer Bruce obviously, but I’m really uncomfortable with that solution.

Scott:

I really love Scott and he was delightful as always in this film. I’m heartbroken for him that he missed (another) 5 years of Cassie’s life, though. I’m also pretty sad we won’t get to see the little girl who has played Cassie so far in any future films since we’ve aged the character up to a teenager. Also, I would’ve liked to see more of Hope! I loved Scott and Hope’s little moment when Hope calls Steve “Cap” and they trade expressions between Scott going “SEE, HE IS REALLY COOL, RIGHT?” and Hope being like “Yeah, okay”.

Overall I guess the Ant-Fam is sorta tangential to the main MCU Avengers cast, so while it was nice to have everybody play together, briefly, I’m pretty content that we’ll see more of Hope (and Janet!) in future Ant-Man/Wasp titles.

 - Similarly, while T’Challa and the Wakanda fam were definitely underused in Endgame (especially the entirely absent Nakia), Black Panther 2 is happening. It’s disappointing to not get a substantial amount of characters that you like in the big team-up films, but it’s good to know they’ll be returning later.

Wanda:

We are really leaving Wanda in a rough place of having lost her twin brother and her android boyfriend within a pretty short amount of time (that’s rough, buddy). Plus, one of the characters that we’ve seen her have a pretty strong bond with is Steve, and he’s out of the picture too. I’m not sure where we’re going with this character, honestly. Hopefully it’s not continuing to hurt her.

It really seemed conspicuous that nobody so much as mentioned Vision by name in this film. Wanda referred to him indirectly, but that was it. I get that Vision isn’t immediately able to be saved since he didn’t vanish in the Gauntlet event, but, yikes, can anybody besides Wanda please attempt to give a damn about him?

I know sometimes we like to pretend that Age of Ultron didn’t happen to us, but Vision was still an interesting character, and some major plot points of Infinity War focused on the value of Vision as a person. I feel pretty bereft that he’s (apparently) gone beyond recall with so little mourning.

Thor:

*heavy sigh*

Thor’s characterization was….???

Unpopular Opinion: despite its good points, I overall didn’t really like Ragnarok, and Thor already sort of felt out of character to me at that point.

Another Unpopular Opinion: I actually really love The Dark World. Thor’s relationship with Jane, and his characterization of gentleness and humility in that era really were important to me.

And I get that Hemsworth is genuinely good at comedy and probably likes doing it. But Thor has always been a funny character. We just used to be laughing with him instead of at him.

I was so uncomfortable with the way the film framed Thor’s brush with depression and alcoholism. Because Thor has lost so much at this point, he has every reason to struggle. I want to say that Thor wouldn’t have given up, but the same time I can believe that this almost unimaginable weight of loss (Frigga, Odin, Loki, Heimdall, The Warriors Three, Asgard itself) would take some toll. And yet the framing of his scenes treats his grief and despair as cause for humor. We’re expected to laugh about an unkempt beard and a big belly instead of being concerned about the fact that a character that we loved considers himself a failure. And there’s nothing funny about this situation to me. It just made me uncomfortable and sad. Revisiting Thor 2 and having him talk to Frigga was on the better side, but I’m disappointed that we couldn’t save her.

Natasha:

*heavier sigh*

Okay, I think a lot of the problem here is that it’s just really difficult to kill a main character any time other than in the last act (we also saw this problem in Star Wars Rebels, but that’s another can of worms). So because Natasha died at such a midway point in the movie, I still can’t shake the feeling that she’s not really dead. Nothing about it felt final to me. Clint trying to emphasize that, because Red Skull said so, it was impossible to bring her back (it’s freaking RED SKULL, why would we trust him???) just made me think even more that she was definitely coming back. Everything seemed to point to her dramatic reappearance and then it just … didn’t happen. That’s not to say it won’t happen in a future film, though, but it still feels deeply unsatisfying and unceremonious now, and that feeling really was a blow to my overall enjoyment of the film.

It also sat really badly with me that Natasha made this choice not just to save Clint (which I would believe; their friendship is really great and I love seeing Natasha’s extremely profound but non-romantic bonds with Clint and with Steve (though I would’ve preferred Natasha/Clint to Natasha/Bruce)), but because she fundamentally felt less worthy than Clint. I don’t like the idea that Natasha went to her death still feeling such guilt, still feeling like a monster (according to that awful scene in AoU), for the things she did as a very young person under the influence of brainwashing. I don’t like that at all.

I’m also really disappointed that we didn’t pursue Natasha and Bucky’s relationship from the comics in the MCU. Because the idea of two people with very similar emotional wounds coming together to support each other as they heal is just really appealing (#looking for baggage that goes with mine). That throwaway line in Civil War (“at least you could recognize me”) really had me convinced that we were going there. I guess we still could, but there are a lot of “ifs” standing in the way now.

Steve:

Another disclaimer: Steve is absolutely my favorite Avenger, and I ship Steve/Peggy really hard.

Aaand I still felt uncomfortable with the resolution.

Maybe it’s just the difficulty I’ve been having getting my head around the time travel shenanigans.

So a lot of the criticisms I’ve heard/read about Steve going back to the 1940’s to Peggy seems to be functioning under the assumption that Steve is living within the timeline as we know it in MCU canon, staying completely hidden, and just not changing any of the bad things that canonically happen: Bucky becoming the Winter Soldier, Hydra infiltrating SHIELD, etc.

But we’ve been told that time travel doesn’t work that way – that Back To The Future, Doctor Who way – in this universe, right? This brings me back to my Alternate Reality take. So my understanding is that after Steve returns the infinity stones to the points in time that the Avengers yoinked them from, he basically occupies an Alternate Reality for a lifetime (Tilda Swinton’s thing about the branched off timelines being consumed by the ~forces of darkness~ only applies IF the infinity stones aren’t returned, and he took care of that). And he could’ve done anything in that Alternate Reality – married Peggy, saved Bucky from Hydra, prevented any wars and disasters he could. Basically it was Steve’s own personal Happiness AU. And then, (presumably after Peggy’s death), he uses the Pym particles and the Quantum Realm to return to his original reality.

Except, in that case, shouldn’t he have returned on the platform instead of dramatically showing up on that park bench?

So…I’m confused and I don’t like it.

Even from the Alternate Reality take, the situation of that choice is complicated. In choosing to be with Peggy, he’s tearing himself out of the lives of all of his loved ones in his Original Reality – Bucky, Sam, Wanda, (whatever the situation was with Sharon Carter that we absolutely never resolved?), etc.

And we’re not completely sure it was a choice, exactly. It’s possible that in the ongoing work to return the infinity stones, Steve somehow got trapped in the past (don’t know why he would’ve had to go to the 40’s, but I guess he could’ve run out of Pym particles there and had to wait for Hank to invent them to even be able to make the trip back).

Also, narratively speaking, it feels a little like we’re invalidating Peggy’s grief, and her character growth that went on in Agent Carter (even if her happy ending with Steve is going on in an Alternate Reality). I wasn’t totally sold on Peggy and Daniel Sousa yet (though I do like Daniel as a character a lot), but Peggy had a whole lifetime that didn’t involve Steve except as a beloved memory. Where is she in that arc when Time Traveler Steve comes back into her life?

Also, even if it IS an Alternate Reality, there would STILL be a version of Steve frozen in the ice in the 1940’s in that reality. How do we deal with that?

And how do we deal with the fact that Steve isn’t the man that Peggy lost anymore. He still loves her, but he’s changed, he’s lived almost a decade since then. How do they find their footing with each other? I’m sure it isn’t impossible, but it’s interesting, and it’s not addressed at all.

I think that’s what bothers me the most – that this is a whole huge adventure – Steve’s entire LIFE – that we’re shoehorning in at the very end of the movie without showing any of the really interesting bits or answering any of our questions about it. I guess that leaves the situation as a fertile ground for the imagination, and maybe that’s a space that the MCU intends to explore someday? I would absolutely watch the hell out of Steve’s Time Travel Romance with Peggy, somebody take my goddamn money.

Anyway, I’m happy about Sam taking up the Shield as Captain America. Bucky-Cap also could’ve been great, but I feel like, with the place we left Bucky in his recovery, he doesn’t need that responsibility yet. Let him rest. Wherever we’re going with the series featuring Sam and Bucky is going to be really interesting, and maybe we’ll get to the point where Bucky really wants to work towards atonement and is ready to share the burden of the Shield with Sam? I’m looking forward to finding out.

Overall, most of my feelings about the movie were pretty positive. It was a complicated story to tell with a lot of characters, and mostly it was handled pretty well. Some of those threads did fall flat for me, but they didn’t totally invalidate the parts of the movie that worked.