#it's getting closer and closer to a year since i started writing blake too bro | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

captain-mcdavid · 5 years

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word count: 2.5k

smut: yes | no (it doesn’t last very long)

warnings: smut, drinking, swearing, angst, fighting, angry josh, cocky josh, mean josh, shitty writing (i’m sorry that this is short and not very well done, i just wanted to put someone out for you guys cause i know you’ve been waiting for so long)

Surprisingly, the night was turning out to be more fun then you expected

The mood of the table shifts in seconds flat, everyone’s eyes falling behind you with grave expressions, and even though they haven’t said anything, you know exactly who walked in.

It’d been almost a week since you ran into him at the thai place, and you weren’t ready to see him again, not yet.

“Emma, I told you.” You say, hating the way your voice shakes. You haven’t even seen him and you’re already unstable. “I told you he’d be here,”

Emma smiles apologetically as she scoots over in the booth, linking her arm with yours, “I was really hoping that you were gonna be wrong.” The words are mumbled out to herself more than you, but you remain rigid in your seat. “I’m sorry.” She whispers, squeezing your arm, but you don’t respond, eyes trained on the table in front of you, refusing to let your gaze wonder. “I’ll go get you a drink, that’ll make it better,”

But it won’t. You’re not sure what’s making you feel more sick, the thought of drinking or the thought of turning around and seeing Josh. Honestly the only thing keeping you here now is the fact that you brought backup.

Emma is trotting back to the table, two drinks in hand and a bright smile on her face when she stops in her tracks. Judging from the glare you’re getting, your backup is here.

“You’re kidding me, right?” She asks, and you just shrug, tossing your hands up in an innocent manner. “I don’t feel bad anymore, both of these are for me now.” She mutters, holding the drinks up before she turns and walks away.

“Hey,” Blake shoots you a quick nod, his eyes wondering the room aimlessly.

“Thanks for coming,” You say quietly, and he just gives you a half smile before tilting his head in the direction of the bar.

“Want anything?” He asks, and you nod, getting up to accompany him. Resting your hip against a bar stool, you turn your head the slightest bit, and your gaze catches on icy blue eyes looking right at you.

Blake notices and taps you, and you try to hide the look of sheer terror, but you don’t think you’re doing very well.

“Do you know him?” Blake asks, nodding in Josh’s direction.

You nod quickly, excusing yourself to the restroom before you have a meltdown in front of him. You’re rushing down the hall when you hear his voice.

“Y/N,” He says, but you can pretend that you didn’t hear that, so you keep walking, picking up your pace. “So what, are you like following me now?” He speaks louder this time and you stop in your tracks, unfortunately you can’t pretend you didn’t hear that one.

Time to toughen up, you tell yourself, sighing while you gather as much courage as possible so that you don’t burst into tears in the middle of this.

With a noticeable eye roll you spin on your heel, “Get over yourself,” You spit, “I’m not following you.” He shrugs but continues to walk closer.

“Kinda seems like you are.”

“Well I’m not.” You shrug, hating the way you feel like cowering back with each step he takes.

“Who are you here with?” He asks, and he’s two feet in front of you now, and you’re taking steps back like a wimp until you’re almost against the wall.

His arm extends and rests against the barrier behind you, and you try to take another step back but you’re flush to the cold brick now. You meet Josh’s eyes, and then his gaze flicks down to your chest, and you can almost tell what’s going through his mind. He recognizes the bodysuit, and he’s thinking about what he did to you when you wore it last. He raises his other hand to trace the fabric but you push his hand away, which queues a gentle laugh from Josh. “I saw you with that guy,” He mumbles, and you raise your eyebrows.

“Okay?” You say, trying to seem uninterested

“What are you doing here with that clown, hm?” He whispers, gaze flicking up to meet yours. You hate the way his eyes are able to pull you in so effortlessly.

“Blake is-”

“Your boyfriend?” You shake your head firmly and you notice the way the corner of Josh’s mouth tugs up for just a second. “So what is he to you then?”

You don’t miss a beat when you comeback, “Same thing you were?”

“You and your games,” Josh chuckles, “How is he?”

You’re not expecting the question, it seems innocent, but it’s loaded, and you’re not about to tell him the truth so you fire back, “Better than you.”

“I don’t believe that,” He says, moving so that his other hand presses into the wall, effectively trapping you. “I think you’ve just forgotten what good feels like.”

You scoff, avoiding his eyes. You’re thinking of something smart to say back, but coming up empty, so Josh fills the silence. “He doesn’t know you like I do.”

“You’re-” You start to say, intending to finish with delusional, but Josh cuts in again.

“Right. I’m right.” He leans down a little to catch your gaze, and you hate how the second you look into those damn baby blues your knees weaken.

“Come back to my place.”

The suggestion is surprising, and honestly kind of disgusting. It’s offensive that he thinks you have that little resolve, that you’ll just go home with him after everything that’s happened. “You’re fucking insane, Josh.” You spit, swiping one of his arms of the wall so you can move away, but he sidesteps and follows you, cornering you in once again.

“You know you want to,” He presses, the smirk infuriating.

“No, I don’t.” You insist, “Go ask some other girl, I’m sure in your mind they’re all just dying to sleep with you.”

“I would, but no.” He says honestly, “Even though I kind of hate you, none of these girls would be nearly as good.”

You’d be lying if you said it didn’t sting when he said he hated you, so you choose to ignore that and focus on the compliment, turning to the side in disgust because you can’t believe that you’re actually considering this.

“Five minutes in one of these disgusting bathrooms with me would be better than an entire night with him,” Josh whispers, and just like that you’ve made your decision. Honestly it was over the second he cornered you in this hallway, and you both knew that, but hell if you weren’t gonna make him work for it.

You’re just about to invalidate him in some way before saying yes, when Blake turns the corner. You straighten up automatically but Josh stays still, raising his eyebrows at Blake like he’s questioning why he’s still here. It’s a look you recognize all too well. He feels threatened, jealous. It’s been months but the spark that lights his eyes is unforgettable, and it makes you wonder if maybe there isn’t just bitter feelings here.

Blake draws closer and narrows his eyes at you, “Are you okay?” Before you can respond he’s talking again, only this time it’s not directed at you. “I think maybe you should back off man,”

Josh snickers, “I think maybe you should let her answer for herself, man.” He pauses, and you can see the way he tenses in front of you. It’s just like the time that he dragged you out of that party. With a clenched jaw he turns back to you, and the way his gaze softens makes your chest clench. “You okay?”

Without hesitation you nod, putting a hand just over his hipbone in hopes that it will calm him down. The last thing you want is to break up a fight, so you turn to Blake, “I’m fine, seriously.”

He nods, but doesn’t make a move to leave, and you swear you can see steam coming out of Josh’s ears at this point. If Blake doesn’t go soon, there’s no way he’s walking out of this bar without help. You clench Josh’s shirt in your fist, and he looks down at you with fire in his eyes, communicated through actions only, you tug at his shirt lightly, trying anything to distract him, but Blake just has to open his mouth again.

“Are you ready to go?” He asks, and this receives a bitter laugh from Josh.

“God, this guy is clueless.” Josh shakes his head, and you sigh deeply when Blake perks up, taking a step forward, while he puffs out his chest.

“What’d you just say?” Blake raises his voice, and you start to step in but Josh straightens up, and the way Blake shrinks back into his figure is almost comical. Even from five feet apart the size difference is intimidating. Blake looks like a thirteen year old boy compared to Josh, and for some reason it’s turning you on.

“I said you’re clueless. Your girlfriend is coming home with me tonight. Sorry bro.”

Blake looks in between you and Josh like he’s debating something, and you pray for safety reasons that he’ll just let this go. “Blake, seriously.” You start, “I’m fine, you can go.”

His jaw clenches, and then he shakes his head and walks away. You almost feel bad, but you’re not his girlfriend, and he’s kind of a dick so... But then again, so is Josh.

“God, you’re cocky.” You grunt, rolling your eyes.

“Only cause I’m right.” He mumbles, waiting for an answer, and when he doesn’t receive one he shakes his head. “Are you gonna make me beg?” He asks, and you can’t help the little smile that tugs up the corners of your mouth.

“I should.” You tell him, “After what you did.”

“Oh please.” He grumbles, “You did the exact same thing that I did.”

“Shut up,” You growl, “Nothing happened and you know that.”

“I don’t know anything,” He replies, “You have a habit of lying to me, so I don’t know what to believe.”

“I’m not the only one who lied, stop acting like it’s only me in the wrong.” His jaw clenches while he looks down the hall, and you know his temper is flaring again.

“Whatever,” He mutters, hands falling to your hips where he tugs you closer. “I don’t really wanna scream at each other in the middle of a bar, I’ve been half hard since I walked in and saw you so can we just leave and get to it?”

“I’m not leaving with you, Josh.” You say firmly, although it takes all your willpower. Every part of your body is reacting to him. His hands on you, his deep voice, everything is driving you crazy. It’s been so long since you’ve felt anything like this and you have a feeling that Josh knows exactly what he’s doing to you.

“Five minutes in the bathroom it is then,”

He side steps and pushes open the door to the staff bathroom, backing you in with a menacing look. You press yourself against the sink, watching with wide eyes while he locks the door.

Your eyes meet for approximately one second before you’re pushing yourself off the sink and practically pouncing on him. All of the sudden you’re like a dog in heat. You feel like you’ve been deprived for so long, and even though this is extremely unhealthy, you can’t resist. He catches you, despite there being little warning, pressing his lips to your feverishly. He steps forwards, setting you down on the counter with a grunt. He pulls away, eyes tracing his hand while he trails it up from your waist to your stomach and breasts.

“Make it quick, big boy.” You say, despite your desperate need for his dick, you’re still mad and you don’t want to drag this out longer than you have to.

He chuckles and then pulls at your knees to get you off the counter. Your reaction is almost automatic, turning around for him while you bend yourself over the edge. Your pants go down fast, the bodysuit being practically torn off of your while Josh gets to his knees. His tongue is on you just long enough to make you squirm, and then he’s standing up to pull his cock out.

He fucks you hard while you’re bent over the counter, one hand pulling your hair the other around your waist rubbing at your clit. Between the stretch and his thumb flicking back and forth over your nub you can’t see yourself lasting long. There’s pornographic moans falling from your mouth, a stream of curses coming from behind you, and it isn’t til Josh leans forward and bites into your bare shoulder that you come undone completely.

You head is foggy, your vision just barely clearing while Josh dresses himself and you. “Remember that time when you said you didn’t wanna have sex cause I was only gonna last two minutes?”

You gasp and lean over to punch his arm, and the first thought that crosses your mind is how good it feels when things are light hearted.

“It’s been a while, okay?” You try and defend yourself with a lie, but you know Josh see’s right through it.

“No, your boyfriend just doesn’t know what you like,”

You don’t really know how to deny that, so you just stay silent, brushing your fingers through your hair to diminish the mess.

“If you’re ever in the mood for some hate sex, you know who to call.” He grins.

You laugh for a second, but it’s the word hate that sticks to you, and before you know it you’re spewing out words that are gonna derail this whole thing, but part of you is hoping that you’ll get something out of him that you wouldn’t otherwise, “You know what I find funny?”

He looks at you and raises his eyebrows, “You keep insisting that you don’t care, yet you get jealous when I talk to other guys. You punched Seth in the face, and you were about two seconds from knocking the lights out of Blake.”

Josh opens his mouth to respond but you hold up a hand, if you don’t say this now you probably never will, “I don’t get it. Why are you so mad at me for playing you, why are you so mad at Seth if you don’t care?”

You’re able to catch the slightest bit of emotion on his face before it’s gone again, completely untraceable. The cocky, arrogant look you’ve seen so many times is back and you feel sick to your stomach cause you know you’re about to get hurt. “You know what I find funny? You trying to spin this whichever way to make it look like I have feelings when I don’t. You’re projecting, Y/N, and it’s pathetic.”

The tears fall before you’re able to stumble out of the bathroom, and for the second time, you see just the tiniest bit of emotion, remorse, but you can’t stick around to watch it disappear.

#gpp fic #liv writes #j.anderson #search tags:#josh anderson #josh anderson imagine #columbus blue jackets #columbus blue jackets imagine #blue jackets #nhl #nhl imagine #nhl imagines

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a-lbeit · 4 years

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2020: a goddamn year in review

man oh man

rang in the new year drunk as hell with incredible company at a party we crashed; kissed at least 3 people

went to work the next morning still drunk and laughed all through my shift. it was blake, abby, and jacob’s last day

tried sushi for the first time and had one last juke joint evening before britt left

discovered the roof next to carnegie with rozi

slept over at blake’s apartment with britt the night before we all had to move out and the program officially ended. it was a nice way to end it. man, who knew what was to come with the rest of the year

finally saw the holiday version of small world the last night that the park had the holiday decorations up. looking back, i sure am glad i was able to see that

blake was able to continue living in carnegie because of his professional internship. rozi and i snuck in and slept over at his place once or twice, running through the halls before the new set of CPs moved in. most of the apartments were unlocked, so we went up and saw our old place all empty and dark. we all climbed up to lyndsay’s top bunk and blake put his head on me. the next morning, we were all having breakfast when a couple of cleaning people came in lmfao

got a spot for the cast preview of rise of the resistance. that’s a fucking cool ride, i gotta give it up

went to the autopia drive-in. that was certainly something i’ll be forever grateful was able to happen. we all sat in the cars and watched incredibles 2 with hella snacks. it was unique and memorable and special. i remember sitting next to benny in the break room, although we didn’t know each other at that point

went to an event in la with rozi, taleeah, taleeah’s sister, and her boyfriend (now her fiancé, soon to be husband). got as drunk as i did on new year’s, ate some random hot wings, and puked in the uber. yikes

called in an hour late to work the next day, even though my start time was already at 1pm lmao. i remember talking to matt about the night. i miss him sometimes.

went on my first hike since my ankle broke. what a joyous moment, sincerely. to be back on my feet, in my hiking boots, on dirt, climbing between the valleys and hilltops. that first moment when the world is gracious enough to let you return to a large raison d’être. you feel indebted, truly. you feel like things really will be all right in the end. it is like nothing else--pure, fresh, and humbling.

got closer with my coworkers. i still miss them like hell. i think i always will. there was so much we were going to do together. i began to realize that i felt happiest at work.

one day at work, my coworker brenda and i were Y1 and Y2, and my coworker benny was track 2 line 3. he came up and told me something, i believe a joke about how he couldn’t hear my spiel (i’d always be pretty loud during my spiels lmao, enough for a couple of my leads to tell me to quiet down a bit). when he went back, brenda leaned across and said that she thought he thought i was cute. i’ll always remember that moment, i think. i still think about whether the guests waiting in the cars heard her and tuned into the gossip. i was taken aback, to say the least. i thought he was cool, but he hadn’t really been on my radar. that changed right then.

a few days later, i came back up to her and asked if she meant what she said. she said yeah, and asked if i thought he was cute. i said i think so. a few days after that, it was a rainy day and auto was closed. i was talking to her and asked her why she thought that. she finally told me that she’d heard it from her close friend josh, who hung out with benny. i was honestly fucking shook lmao. it was all so juvenile, but it was fun to think about.

went to troy’s birthday party, expecting to see benny. he didn’t show, but i had a great time anyway. i got the kind of drunk where you’re still in control, but you feel like you’re on top of the world.

had a lunch and park date with lexi and cassie. i told them about benny, and when cassie and i rode autopia, he was at auto 3 and we pretended our car had broken down. he played along.

went to alejandra’s 21st birthday party. i wasn’t too close to her; i only knew her through rozi. i’m glad we got so much closer over the course of the year.

my self-confidence sort of skyrocketed. i bought new clothes and felt almost beautiful for once.

went to the cast preview of the new parade that was going to be at disneyland. lmfao that sure did go to shit.

had a beautiful day at the parks with my coworkers. i wish i could have attended more of those days, but things changed quickly, as we all know.

finally got off probation at work (which had been paused for the 3 months i was on medical leave) and found out i had been okayed to learn the nemo ride. i was excited to learn a second ride so soon after my probation ended, and i was excited that it was so unique. i mean, driving a submarine? come on. people may think it’s a lame attraction, but it’s not something you see everywhere. plus, it was also the other ride that benny knew. i had been trying to interact with him more at work in that coy way you might see in high school flirtation. like i said, it was juvenile. i claim it.

started working toward becoming a trainer—lexi was really helpful, and it was nice to talk with anthony and jeff about it and to know that all these leads thought i would be a good pick

found out through brenda that billy thinks i’m hot LMFAO. an ego booster of sorts

my new coworker melissa started getting closer to me, and she’d message me and text me. she eventually said she was interested in me, and i was a little on edge for a while, but we’re close now. i like her a lot. (her ex ended up also sort of coming on to me months later lmao)

the week before the closure came about, went to arizona with rozi and blake to visit britt. what a weekend. it was short, but certainly meaningful. we were able to meet and hang out with her beautiful family, catch up, have some great laughs, eat fire food (including my first dutch bros experience 👀), and explore a new area. it was my first time in arizona, and we got to see a tiny bit of phoenix and spent a windy afternoon in flagstaff. i feel like that was the last time things were so easy between all of us.

started training at nemo for the majority of what would become the last week i would be working before the closure, which was announced only like 3 days before it actually happened.

slept over at trev’s LMFAO

passed my PA on thursday amidst a weird 101 with the attraction. i remember looking across the way at my coworkers in the auto pit (because autopia also had to go down when nemo was down), and benny saw me and waved at me, and then everyone else did, too. a nice moment. a small group of them finished their shift when i was at greeter at nemo, and when they walked by, they all waved again.

after the closure was announced--something that was so unprecedented but also not taken seriously (it was just going to be a 2 week vacation, right? corona wasn’t that big a deal)--i picked up billy’s opening shift for friday, march 13th, the last day before the closure. i wasn’t excited for this “vacation” (like i said, i was happiest when i was at work. i was going to miss that place for the 2 weeks it would supposedly be closed), so i was very grateful to work once more at auto, one of my favorite places to be. it rained all morning, and we were only open for maybe an hour or so. i did a track walk with lexi, and i goofed around with all my friends. it was michelle’s birthday, so some of us brought some food for a potluck. i had lowkey hoped to see benny, but he didn’t work that day. oh well. it was a really great shift that would end up being my last, something that is so strange to say even after all this time. i even got up the courage to ask anthony to write a letter of rec for me for grad school.

a couple hours later, i met up with rozi and alejandra as guests in the park to get in some final fun before (what we thought would be) the 2-week closure. it was incredible, and at the end of the night, all the characters lined up at the train station to wave bye to us all. i know it’s disney and cringy, but i felt warm, albeit a little on edge.

the next evening, got pizza with some coworkers and went back to one of their houses. it was actually the brother of my nemo trainer lmfao. i followed benny on instagram that night while sitting at the dining room table. like 5 minutes later, he followed me back.

a day or two later, had brunch with some other coworkers before everything shut down for real. i’m grateful for kiley for arranging those types of get-togethers.

before the closure got extended indefinitely, before i started wearing a mask, before we really came to understand the gravity of covid, we had fun for a couple weeks. rozi and i went back to the roof next to carnegie with blake and we got caught. we went on a couple hikes. we’d go on almost daily evening walks and we’d do stairs in the morning. went to the beach. i really started to get into exercising, since i was no longer able to get the 20,000 steps i’d log at work each day. did those instagram tag games with my coworkers. engaged in all the activities that the early naïveté surrounding the pandemic brought, like whipped coffee. things weren’t great, but they were all right. we were still getting paid by disney, something that i do have to give props to the corporation for. they did what they could while they could.

taleeah, rozi, and i all finally united over our mutual dislike of our other roommate. i started to avoid being in the same place as her, so i’d often sit on the floor in the living room since we didn’t have any furniture at the time. i sort of miss it.

rozi moved out at the end of march. we hadn’t found anyone to replace her. we started splitting the rent evenly 3 ways. was it fair? not necessarily, but i mean, it wouldn’t have been fair any other way, either. that’s the way it goes. and you have to accept it.

benny remained in the back of my mind. my coworkers would have zoom calls, and i joined a couple of them at the beginning of quarantine. it was nice to talk to them, although i mostly just listened to their conversations. i hate video calls.

even though the closure was indefinite, we all kept saying we’d be back by june, august at the latest.

blake got laid off and ended up driving back home to tennessee. i hate that i cried when we said goodbye.

rozi came back to visit for the first time at the beginning of may

started getting a bit creative with my meals. just a bit

my unemployment finally started coming in, and i felt rich for a minute

rozi would come back about once a month or so. we’d take nice photos, get açaí and coffee, and pretend everything was gonna be over soon

rozi, blake, britt, and i all talked about meeting up again. we decided to fly out to tennessee at the end of july, coinciding with my birthday, actually. we bought our tickets and had plans to stay with blake and his family. it was going to be a beautiful reunion.

paid off my credit card for the first time since the end of 2017 (after having to load it up during my medical leave when i was the brokest i’ve ever been). it was incredibly freeing.

mindy moved back to oc, and we hung out for the first time since florida. it was a nice reunion, and i’m glad to have her as a friend who lives nearby

the end of may rolled around, and in the days following george floyd’s murder, there sure was a big change all around. the fire died down eventually, like it always does, but it hit harder this time around. saw one of my coworkers at the protest i attended. it was, and still is, a moving time marked so clearly with disgusting and incessant realities.

daisy moved in. i’m so incredibly grateful we’ve crossed paths. she is genuine and generous and a kind soul.

got açaí and coffee and went mini-golfing with rozi and a couple of her friends for her birthday. left my sunglasses at the course, took a chance and went back to look for them, and was overjoyed when i saw them resting at the 14th hole. thank you, whoever you were who put them there rather than taking them.

dalenna went out of town for 10 whole and beautiful days, and i completed the chloe ting 2 week shred. i’m so glad i did. it was the beginning of workouts that i actually enjoy doing and feel accomplished about doing. i feel strong and i look strong now, and i really do feel sort of indebted to chloe, as stupid as that sounds. seeing the bones in my hands, i like myself nowadays. i still treat myself probably way too much, but i feel disciplined.

started graduate school, something that i’m still shook was possible during these times

had a picnic with some coworkers, the first time i’d seen them in months. catching up with them was like nothing else

bought roller skates lmfao, and went roller skating with mindy because the rink reopened for a while

a couple days later, went back with rozi and taleeah

we ended up cancelling our plans to fly out to visit blake. covid was hard to deal with, obviously. it didn’t seem safe, and things didn’t seem right—with the world and within our group. i really hate what’s become of it. i miss the relationship i had with blake before rozi joined in, if i’m being honest.

tried to skate outside of a rink, but it’s just not for me lmao. i’m happy to have my own pair for whenever the rinks reopen again, though

for the 4th of july, taleeah and i got bomb food and ate in a park. i’ve really grown so close to her over the past half year or so, and i’m thankful for it. we’re different, for sure, but i think that she and i have a very similar understanding of life.

my ipod had broken a couple months back, and i finally bought a new one, although i didn’t actually set it up with my music until months later

went to laughlin with alejandra, taleeah, and rozi for a couple days. we melted in the triple digit heat, got a lot of dutch bros, did a drive-by of vegas (my first ever view of it—what a sight to see, all empty but still lit up), swam in lake mohave, and even drove over to the grand canyon for a day. i couldn’t help but be smitten with the grandeur of that part of the country. alejandra threw up several times while we were doing a hike, but she never stopped smiling and laughing and even flirting with a man from iowa. i admire and respect her endlessly.

for a few days, that instagram meme of random names being put on random objects (like a frog or a seinfeld screen cap) was huge. i went through many of those, sending them to everyone. i sent a couple to benny. and i even said fuck it and sent one to tucker. he responded almost immediately and we started catching up. it was strange, but it was so incredibly nice. i told him my grievances, and he apologized. and we started talking like old friends again.

went to downtown disney on the 65th anniversary of disneyland opening. a strange sort of homecoming in the midst of crippling uncertainty (something that still overwhelms me--but at least i’m not in the purgatory of furlough anymore. at least I know my fate)

with my birthday coming up, i had decided to rent a car for a few days (i had a couple free days with hertz) to explore southern california a bit, an activity long overdue. on disneyland’s birthday, there was a special zoom call that my coworkers were having, and i hopped on it for a while. benny was on it, like he always was. part of my plan—the main part, actually—was to go to salvation mountain, slab city, and the salton sea. i told everyone about it, and benny and i got to talking about it for a couple minutes because he had done a photoshoot there for his band. it was the most we’d talked in months. then i got off the call to facetime tucker LMFAO. we flirted a bit. we hung up after a while and i actually got back on the zoom call because i felt so good. that evening was a real high for me, socially speaking.

in the days and weeks that passed, tucker and i got close again. he’d call me cute and say he missed me. he was into me again, that’s for damn sure. it was nice for a minute. i even thought about flying out east to visit my parents and to see him in december

2 days before my birthday, i drove around all day, up to solvang and san luis obispo and back down to malibu to try to see the comet that was rolling through. it was pretty stupid of me to think malibu would be a good place to see it. it was cloudy as hell, but it was still beautiful. then i drove home along the worst part of the PCH just because it was the PCH. the next evening, taleeah and i went to the top of the world in laguna and we think we saw it. several people had the same idea, but i enjoyed the sense of community we all had. earlier in the day, i had driven to the us-mexico border where the PCT starts and walked along the first mile or so. it was incredible to see that in person. maybe one day, i’ll see it as a thru-hiker. who really knows. anyway, after the comet, we drove back home and stopped to get my free dozen birthday doughnuts from krispy kreme.

the next day was my birthday. the night before, i asked taleeah if i should invite our other roommate. we decided it was probably a good idea to, just to be nice, even though we don’t like her. it was very last-minute of us, so we thought she’d say no. she said yes. lmao. it was pretty fun, though, and i’m glad i invited her. it’s nice to be inclusive. we drove to the desert, blasting my music that i so rarely get to blast while driving. seeing salvation mountain in person was a really fascinating experience. it was faded from the sun and it was empty. sheer beauty. i love the unassuming presence of the whole area and how everyone lives off the grid. then, we went to bombay beach and the salton sea. the gritty art next to the toxic waters made for some really fucking cool vibes. it was hot as hell, of course, and i didn’t mind, but dalenna did get a bit overheated. she doesn’t drink water, ever. it was all right, though. she was a trooper, i’ll give her that. i had a great day, and i hope taleeah and dalenna did, as well. we ended the day in riverside, seeing the mission inn that my father and his sisters often speak of.

i got so many birthday messages that day (including from benny). it made me feel really loved

honestly, i loved that rental car. the sound system was crystal clear

i had gotten really fucking tan by this point, since i’d go on walks and be outside so often. the socal kiss of summer really is something

did the hollywood hike for the first time with matty. seeing those letters up close and personal makes you really think about the history of the area, the rich (albeit troubled) cultural history of the silver screen

got extremely drunk with rozi at my apartment and facetimed tucker. it was the beginning of the end with that, even though he said he would love to have me over

reached the end of my first quarter of grad school. the last day, i took the train into la and met up with rozi so that we could gallivant around the city in an attempt to find billboards advertising blackbear’s new album—there was a contest on twitter that rozi was trying to win. it was one of the best days, really. we went to the grove and the pink wall and a bit of the abandoned la zoo. it was so fucking hot, but it didn’t even matter. when i got back to anaheim, i submitted my final group project and even had time to meet up with a few coworkers in a park to doodle and gossip. one of my favorite days of the year, honestly

the next day, i treated myself to my free bagel and cream cheese from bruegger’s and a latte, ate in the noguchi garden that i love so much, and ordered a new computer (which came with free airpods). the computer took a month to get here, but i had my airpods 2 days later

then, a couple days after that, rozi and i went on the road trip of the year all the way to portland (i won’t say exactly how many times we stopped at dutch bros, but it was...a lot)

we started off by driving to this kitschy western-themed shop about 3 hours north. then we drove all the way to redding in norcal

the next morning, we did a hike in shasta national forest. seeing snow on the mountain in august was like nothing else. it finally felt like fall

on we went, getting a quick photo in the town of weed, of course, before making our way to bend, oregon, to see the last blockbuster standing. i bought a tote bag. it’s one of those things you just have to do. we finally rolled into portland at the end of the night

the next day, we explored the city a bit before meeting up with my friend katie who i met while working in florida. it was so fucking beautiful to see her again. we reminisced and caught up and she showed us around her neck of the woods in vancouver

the day after was a hiking day for sure. rozi and i went to multnomah falls, one of those things you always see in photos and feel so lucky to be able to see in person, and then to the bridge of the gods, where cheryl strayed ended her PCT hike. walking across that bridge was another favorite moment of my year. then we wound up in mt hood national forest. the hike we did had wild huckleberries along much of the trail that we snacked on, feeling like true foragers. again, the snow on the mountain makes you feel some type of way.

our last day in that area, we drove through some of washington, stopping at some ice caves and then going all the way to mt st helens. crazy stuff. we vowed to come back to do the hike around the crater someday

our journey back began, and we drove down the oregon coast. those cloudy beaches and coastal drives are something of an emblem of the tail end of a PNW summer, it seems.

the last day of the trip, we met up with rozi’s friend in sausalito, gazing out at sf across the bay, and then with her other friend in carmel (after driving over the golden gate and blasting scott mckenzie’s “san francisco,” something that just must be done). i want to have a more prolonged experience in the monterey area. so unique a place.

seeing the skies tinged orange from all the forest fires was something else. what a year of burning.

slept over at trev’s again lmao, maybe for the last time. had the best kind of la day afterwards, wandering celebrity graves at the hollywood forever cemetery and treating myself to bougie drinks at peet’s and groundwork coffee at the grove. i even saw the charmed house before taking the train back. it was the one-year anniversary of breaking my ankle and i had grown so much, come so far, felt so full. even if the midst of all the shit, i was happy. happiness despite my surroundings is sort of a theme of the year, as tone-deaf as that may sound. i am content with my life, sure, but i am not blind to the despair.

got really pissed at and hurt by tucker again, and learned my lesson this time. his mixed signals sure are something else. whatever. we’re cool now, friendly acquaintances.

my next quarter of school started. 4 classes, all for free (i’d done 3 the previous quarter). i always try to remember how goddamn lucky i am, even when i’m feeling lazy

the one-year anniversary of my surgery passed on september 26th. again, i couldn’t believe how fortunate i had been with my recovery journey. i am indebted to that injury more than i can fathom. it brought the change i had been in desperate need of. i was happy previously. a little too naive, though. that injury developed me and made appreciate so, so much the life that i have, the abilities and strength that i have. over a year later, and here i am, still writing about it as if it happened a month ago. i’m thankful for that test.

took a trip to santa barbara for the weekend with rozi and taleeah. rozi showed us around her old stomping grounds from when she attended UCSB, and we chilled out in some hot springs. we stopped in oxnard on the way back and hung out with taleeah’s family, going fishing and eating lunch with them.

i saw on benny’s band’s instagram that they were having a real live show the day we were coming back. i was disappointed i couldn’t go, since i wasn’t in the area. i’d always wanted to go to one of his shows. i hoped there would be more.

my new computer finally came in lmao

a couple days later, went to san diego for the weekend, this time with rozi and alejandra. we got to know the city a bit; it was a short introduction but i enjoyed the beach and the architecture. we all even played crazy 8s with tucker

amidst all of that, 28k layoffs at disney were announced. we knew in the back of our minds that we’d be a part of those.

the movies theaters reopened, and i started going again. it was a nice, simple way to spend my evenings.

the conflict between armenia and azerbaijan escalated around this time, and rozi was deeply affected, of course understandably so. i can’t empathize with what she was going through, but i really felt for her. and i checked up on her. but she ghosted everyone and was really sort of tunnel-visioned about how people should react to and discuss the conflict. and i realized that i had come to rely on her presence too much. so i distanced myself from her. i also realized that she is most of the reason that britt, blake, she, and i aren’t as close as we once were. she has a very dominating presence, and i’ve realized that i don’t like that things often have to be on her terms or are dictated by her—not in terms of what we do, but in terms of the general vibe of a relationship. so i keep that in mind now. i love her, truly. but i’ve been able to step back. i don’t jump to text her whenever i have news anymore. maybe that will change again. but anyway.

hiked in crystal cove again, the first hike i had done after my ankle healed back in january, this time for one of my classes. it was a really nice day to myself

submitted my absentee ballot. i really didn’t know what was going to happen. it sure was a case of hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

did my first hike with daisy and rich, something that became incredibly fun the few times we did it, even though this first time, we didn’t get too far. we’re hoping to get back into it relatively soon

did the hollywood hike again with matty

went with taleeah to get her tattoo. she got the email about getting laid off that morning, but she didn’t let it get to her. a couple days later, i got my email.

i had seen that benny’s band was doing another show, and i was determined to go. taleeah said she would go with me. i was scared as hell, but i messaged my coworker troy and asked him about it, since he’d gone the show a couple weeks prior. it looked like a real possibility. i didn’t message benny at all LMFAO

on october 30, i got my eyebrow pierced. it was something i’d had in the back of my mind for years. now that i didn’t have to worry about staying in disney look anymore, i decided to say to hell with it. later that day, i did go to benny’s show. another one of my favorite days of the year, for sure.

i was messaging troy beforehand so that i could meet up with him. i was too scared to go with only taleeah. i needed someone that benny and i both knew there.

i saw benny, and avoided him like hell. i hadn’t been this nervous in a long time.

troy finally showed up with his girlfriend, and we all talked for a while. finally, benny was about to go on, and he was putting his instruments on the stage. he saw me. did a double take. put down his drum immediately to hug me. it was nice.

after his set, taleeah and i sat at a table outside, and this other person we’d been talking to, brandy, sat next to taleeah and talked with us. then benny joined, sitting next to me. we talked all night. 6 hours absolutely flew by. i was on cloud 9. we all made a group chat to go hiking. and it actually ended up working out. benny hugged me goodbye and asked for my number, although i merely said it was in the group chat LMAO

hiked again with daisy and rich, and we got farther this time. it was autumnal up there in the mountains.

went to a sexy santa halloween party that mindy threw. i looked good as hell

election day came and went without a winner. nerve-racking.

went to downtown disney with melanie and delaney. it was nice to catch up with them for the first time in months

biden was eventually officially projected to win. it was a surreal moment, a calming moment, a moment of peace. what a long, strange trip it’s been, that’s for damn sure.

actually went on a hike with brandy and benny. unfortunately, taleeah had been getting bad vertigo and had to bail. i couldn’t believe it had worked out in some form, though. i was hanging out with benny outside of work.

my quarter was once again coming to an end, and i finished it pretty unenthusiastically. although i had registered for the next quarter, i knew that with my impending layoff at the end of the year, i wouldn’t be able to continue on for free. eventually, i withdrew from the next quarter. i’ll probably pay out of pocket, but i’m still weighing my options. that was probably the most devastating part of my year. getting over halfway done with a master’s degree for free, well on my way to complete it in just one calendar year, and then having that ripped away. but i do try to remember that i got over halfway in 2 quarters. that’s nothing to sneeze at. and i’m beyond grateful. and i will finish it, hopefully in the next year or so.

brandy randomly called me a few days after our hike and asked if i wanted to do another hike. i said sure, although not that same day. we did another hike, this time just us two. i wondered if that meant anything. i hoped not. he did ask me out at the end of that hike. i turned him down, and it wasn’t a big deal at all. i’m very glad we’re friends. we continued to do hikes separate from the rest of the group, and i actually told him the next time about benny.

hiked with daisy and rich again, this time in snow. it was absolutely beautiful, although terrifying sometimes. what a way to kick off the holiday season.

benny invited us to a bonfire at his place, and i was the only one of our group to go. i met his friends

got my 1 year service pin LMFAO

started really going on weekly hikes with brandy, usually once during the week and one on the weekend with benny and taleeah, as well. the weekend get-togethers turned into sometimes doing stuff other than hiking

went to downtown disney and the newly opened buena vista street with rozi and alejandra. once again, i looked good as hell. rozi posted a picture of us all on her insta, and tucker hit me up LMFAOOOOOOO

zuri invited me to thanksgiving with her family. they were so fucking lovely and welcoming to me. i will never forget it.

the next day, met up with rozi in la and went to citywalk for the first time. then we went to hollywood blvd just because. we met up with alejandra and were tourists for a minute, ending the night at the grove, where we went to umami burger and i got a black burger bun that turned my shit green LMFAO

went with alejandra to get her tattoo. it was so much quicker than taleeah’s and i was surprised lol

went to company d a few times toward the end of the year, including once with mindy; afterwards, we went to the knott’s version of downtown disney

later that night (december 8th, to be exact), taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all went to downtown disney in the evening and then came back to our place to watch the princess bride. what a night. what was supposed to be an innocent wine and movie night turned into benny and i getting extremely, extremely drunk. we decided to put on white christmas after princess bride ended. that was when i was really starting to feel drunk. benny and i ended up on the couch together, and i was lying on him after a while. i remember pointing out how hot the skinny bitch in white christmas is, and i remember him saying that i have better curves than her. we sort of started flirting. the movie ended, and brandy needed to go home. benny ended up deciding to stay over. taleeah walked brandy down, and basically immediately after they left, i asked benny if he’d ever kissed anyone. he said no. i asked if he wanted to. he said yeah. we kissed. and then kissed some more. lmao. we laid together on the couch for the rest of the night, dozing off and kissing in between. we went to my apartment’s rooftop to see the sunrise and talked for a while. he left around 8am or so. we kissed goodbye. i sat on down on the couch and thought and thought and thought.

i was absolutely shook. goddamn. rozi came over later because we were going to go to laughlin again with alejandra for a few days. i enjoyed rehashing the events of the night.

we left for laughlin, and the morning of (in the dutch bros line, coincidentally), benny texted me to officially ask me out. it was cute.

it was great couple days—we went to the hoover dam and then to oatman, where there are wild burros that roam the streets of that dated section of route 66, and even spent a night in vegas at the stratosphere. rozi and i went on the rides at the top of it, which was fucking insane, and we all walked the strip, which i’d never done before. i always think of the partridge family when i think of vegas.

after coming back from laughlin, taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all went on a super short “hike” and then came back and watched white christmas for real this time. benny and i hadn’t gone out yet (this was the first time since that eventful drunken night), and we barely touched all night. all 3 of them separately told me how awkward it was, but i didn’t really think so.

finally went on our date. it was the first real date i’d ever been on, apart from the in n out thing tucker and i went on more than a year prior. it was cute, innocent. benny doesn’t drive, so he had his friend chauffeur us to this hipster food hall 😂. we ate and talked (i do lowkey hope to educate him on some social and economic issues), and then he had had plans for a bonfire at the beach, but it was getting late and the beach was closing. so, we went back to his place and had a bonfire there. he finally asked if he could kiss me again, and we ended up taking things back to his bedroom. it was really late by that point, and i didn’t want to make his friend drive me back home. so i stayed over. it was a good night. when i left in the morning, i told him to buy condoms.

brandy, benny, and i hiked black star canyon finally—a good hike, although we lost brandy for a bit because he was rock scrambling so much faster than us.

the evening of the 23rd, benny and i had our second date; we went mini golfing and then came back to my place because my roommate had thankfully left that morning to go home for the holiday. this was the first time i’d ever brought a guy to my place (apart from a couple hours at carnegie with tucker). we watched home alone 2 and a few episodes of seinfeld, and we finally had sex. it’s the only time we’ve done it so far just because it’s so goddamn hard for us to have time alone, but it was nice. i liked having him next to me in my own bed for once.

the next morning, he left. it was christmas eve. it was the best christmas eve ever—i ate a shitload of food and just chilled without having to deal with my roommate.

christmas morning, i woke up and had a lovely morning—worked out and chilled out and even had a zoom call with my family. daisy and rich invited to me to spend christmas dinner with them, which was such a kind gesture. we had delicious food and watched some of die hard and then the jim carrey version of a christmas carol. i came back for a peaceful evening by myself.

i was honestly missing benny and still had one more day before any of my roommates came home (and a few more days until my actual roommate came home), so i invited him to stay over again. i like just being in his presence.

brandy and i went on one final outing before the new year, working out and doing a short hike in bolsa chica. views of the snow-covered mountains on one side and the goddamn pacific ocean on the other made me think about the unusual, very particular perfection of southern california.

my roommates and i decided to have a very small kickback for new year’s eve. in the couple days leading up to it, we bought decorations and planned food. taleeah and i returned our costumes finally, the layoff to go into effect the next day. it was strange to think only now, 9 months since we’d last worked, were we to officially separate from the company. it was a good run.

that same day (the 30th), taleeah, brandy, benny, and i all had one final hangout of the year--a boat cruise in newport to see the holiday lights that the rich people put on their houses. benny put his arm around me. we were close to each other while we gazed at the lights. i was happy. one last bit of holiday fun before the worries of 2021 arrived at our doorstep.

new year’s eve started out uneventful, but became an incredible night. i wore a fucking hot dress. (it’s become so nice to see myself and be proud of the way i look. i know it’s probably shallow to have become so focused on the way my body looks, but i am proud. i have become strong. i have become pretty fit. and i like that about myself. i think it reflects something so much deeper about my outlook on life.) the only people we ended up having over were benny and taleeah’s date, martin. brandy ended up having a sinus infection and couldn’t make it last minute, and i had invited mindy and her boyfriend, but they spent the evening at his family’s house. so it was just taleeah, martin, benny, dalenna, and me. lmao. it was pretty fun, though, once the boys had arrived. we played a music trivia game, listened to music, and ate pizza. benny and i were the only ones really drinking, although taleeah had a bit, as well. a little before midnight, we found something to stream for west coast time, and when the clock struck midnight, we all toasted with the fancy prosecco that benny had brought (minus dalenna) and i kissed him. i’d never had a new year’s kiss, especially not one right at midnight. it was wonderful. and then we went onto the porch and blew our noisemakers and yelled out happy new year, and fellow residents came out and said the same. it was nice to have that human connection, even in times like these. and then we decided to go to the roof, and we again yelled out happy new year on our way across the street, and people came out onto their porches and said the same. we gazed at the lights of anaheim and the lights in the sky. we saw a few fireworks. benny and i were making out, and so were taleeah and martin. benny and i snuck off for like an hour to a dark little section of the roof you’re not supposed to walk on. eventually, we rejoined the other two and we all talked with a guy playing his guitar named cowboy chris. it was cold, so we came back to our apartment after a while. benny left around 3 or so, i believe, to catch a flight to cleveland with his friend. i walked him down and we procrastinated the goodbye for a good few minutes, and then i came back and went to bed. and then i woke up, and 2020 had truly been kicked out, and 2021 had started with a nice stimmy direct deposit. 2021, be good. there is so much promise for this year. i’m excited, albeit wary, to see how it all plays out.

over the year, some things were constant or else developed slowly over months:

really grew to love working out. i still absolutely hate gym culture and i really don’t like to broadcast my exercise, but i love doing it so much.

listened to music truly in a new light—who would have thought i would come to branch out more than i ever have, to see how cool and beautiful and noteworthy absolutely everything is? i know that that is not news in any way, and i know that i have a lens that i look through that i need to work on widening. but at any rate, i am so thankful to my friends for letting me in to their own libraries.

missed driving, as always, although i am very content to not have to deal with the stresses and expenses of having a car. i just wish i had more friends who also didn’t have cars so i didn’t always feel indebted.

missed my job like nothing else. autopia is the best place I have ever worked without a single doubt in my mind. the people i work with, the leads, the job itself. it is fun and involved and just plain cool. i hope to return, although i don’t really think i will. who knows, though.

tried to support gavin newsom with all my heart. he has made his best efforts, but i just wish he wasn’t so hypocritical. i will continue to support him, though, i think, but without such a star in my eye.

toward the end of the year, played among us a few times with my group from florida. i forgot how much i miss them all.

songs of the year: “before the deluge,” jackson browne, “all the debts i owe,” caamp, “which way are you goin,” jim croce. browne’s lyricism and intonations just strike you--gently, but with a certain meaningful force that i don’t feel too often. i think of “before the deluge” a lot and i relate it to my own life throughout 2020, in an abstract sort of way. 2020 gave so much to me, yes, and i feel gratitude for it. but it certainly was a deluge unlike many of us had ever seen before. and we haven’t gotten past it yet, but we are doing our best to “keep our spirits high” and “keep our children dry”--and songs like this make it easy for me to keep up that state of mind. “all the debts i owe” always makes me think of blake, how he had to leave but maybe he’ll be back one day. i remember listening to that song on the bus to work back in january and february, so captivated by it. i had no idea how the lyrics would soon become so close to me. and then “which way are you goin.” croce will always have relevance in the most unpretentious and poignant manner.

what a goddamn whirlwind. 2020, the year that no one could have fathomed, the year that we’ll say we barely got through—hell, so many of us didn’t make it at all. and that is unjust. the pandemic made its mark on us all, transformed us all. and i’ll speak to that in a minute. but the conflicts, the war crimes, the ignorance, the unwillingness to listen and compromise and communicate. this year, people strayed far too often into grotesque, violent, and inhumane realities. azerbaijan’s control of artsakh was such a blow for armenians, the result of an awful and unnecessarily (and unjustifiably) violent war. and the western world often glossed over it, and continues to. i unfortunately still remain pretty ignorant on the issue, but it seems easy to see the layers of hatred and disgusting desire for control that have fueled that conflict. nigeria’s protests against sars spoke to the issue of major police brutality that so deeply impacts many cultures, and it’s disheartening, to say the least, that the western world also willfully remained ignorant through it all. it’s so common a grievance, but one that doesn’t seem to change. it doesn’t seem like it can, not unless some major cultural and even psychological reform or rebirth comes about. it’s the same reason i believe in communism, but i don’t believe it’s realistic in this world (although i could change my stance in time). anyway. 2020 threw obstacles like nothing else. obviously, as someone living in the us, i easily get wrapped up just in domestic issues. i’m glad so many movements gained such serious traction in a time when people are often home and are attached to their information sources. it made everything strike more deeply, i think. nothing has resolved, though. resting on laurels will make any prospect of development completely futile. persistence is fundamental.

at the end of the day, a few things stick with me absolutely always, in spite of any hardship. this life is beautiful. it is unmatched. it is authentic, challenging, full of grit and light and purity. it kicks us sometimes, and then it pats us on the back. and it is an honor like absolutely nothing else to be able to be a part of it. i let myself feel bad; it’s part of the human condition and experience, and one that has value. but through it, i never find it hard to keep in mind the grace that the planet has for us. the gratitude overwhelms my entire torso and i cherish it.

“a victory lap through these impossible days”

#about me #me #a year in review #2020

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