#it's like i myself am always in threat of overdraft on ppl's love
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wow. maybe raising your kid with a religion that's supposed to hinge on unconditional love but instead making it very very clear that all love is actually intensely conditional will seriously fuck them up.
#oh sure they'd claim they still love me#but i remember that one summer#i'll live with that forever and nothing will undo its mark on me#god i don't think i even fully discussed that with my last therapist#bc back then the focus was on my now-ex and mitigating my intense anxious attachment issues#still have the anxious attachment! apparently!#it is so so hard for me to believe that a singular error#(or like...a straw that breaks the camel's back)#will not send everything good crashing down around me#it's like i myself am always in threat of overdraft on ppl's love#and i need to do everything in my power to make up for all my shitty qualities#so i don't actually hit 0 on that account#but also like no effort will ever be enough to secure me against the moment ppl realize i'm Awful#also like. most relationships excluding the gf have hinged on this principle.#D and the ex and my parents................#truly it's that it was people who claimed they liked me ''no matter what'' and then the What happened#and it's like. whoops.
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