#it's someone else's grief so we can only look sideways at it in implication

[goresevraq]

shut up about the ada limon poem already it's a fucking poem there's supposed to be multiple meanings "i love the way men love" could be "i really like the way men love" or "i love in the same way" thats the fucking POINT you're SUPPOSED TO question this contradiction and look closer at the complicated relationship between gender and care and why this person (who evidently feels that they are an external party to manhood) cannot simply SAY "i love my friend M". they have to take long meandering revelatory turns around the topic of plane crashes. M loves his brother, the speaker loves M, the speaker doesn't even know how his brother died for years. it literally doesn't have to be some gender essentialist bullshit unless you take it at face value if we slow down and let the poem breathe it will point to all the places you're supposed to stop and go huh! is that love? what does that even mean? this is ideal? (it is not) (the speaker loves their friend but it takes years for them to communicate) (the speaker never says they love their friend, this inability to speak clearly is the ambiguity that forces the poem into being) (if they could speak directly--if the men in their life could speak directly--the poem wouldn't exist) (YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE POEMS AT FACE VALUE. YOU SHOULD NOT)

[lynkhart]

MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent’s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

[sol1056]

Do you think Santos releasing that letter was a good idea? I've heard that the letter has made things worse because you now have one side that wants to blame the shippers/entitled fan (including the ones that don't bully cast and crew members) for making him write the letter while the other side see it as a "We're sorry that you felt that way. We "didn't know" that people would get that upset about it." What do you think he should've done?

I think had he not released some kind of a statement, he (and eventually Dreamworks) would face significant excoriation. The backlash was already threatening to spill over, and he released his statement at the last possible moment to sway that narrative. 

It’s not exactly a complex trope, either. To whit:

Do you have only two gay characters, who are in a relationship, and of which one dies by some unexpected and often traumatic event? YES.

Does the death happen under circumstances which all heterosexual characters manage to survive? YES. No other protagonists are shown grieving for previously-introduced, named, characters lost in the war.

Does the death render the surviving character grieving alone, possibly also suffering some level of guilt for having caused the death somehow? YES. To quote LM: 

Obviously, [Shiro] going to live with this guilt of never fully knowing if he brought this upon Earth. If he did not come back for the Blue Lion, if he had not started this whole Voltron resurgence, would the Galra have ever attacked? There’s definitely, I think, a level of guilt there… 

I mean, the entire thing is textbook, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of the ways Shiro alone has suffered repeated brutal fates.

When it comes to the apology… I think it was remarkably damning (and thus possibly ignorant of the optics) with its honesty about the trope and their choice to use it, anyway. I also think every word was selected deliberately and carefully to cast their intentions in the best possible light, sprinkled with a sideways tone warning. The emphasis on those felt like de-centering the offense in favor of litigating the EPs’ side. 

To JDS’ credit, he was careful to avoid the “we’re sorry you were offended” non-apology. Whomever helped pen that letter was aware that would only make things worse. However, I remain troubled by the absence of any mention of the dead lesbian couple, or recognition of the implication of giving Shiro a terminal disease, or what it means to reduce Shiro to being the lone LGBT+ token. 

As for others’ reactions, I’m not surprised there are people who’d rather blame just about anyone than the EPs. When you get attached to a work, it can be hard to reconcile that with learning its creators intentionally chose to cause real and active harm. All the same, belittling those hurt as ‘entitled’ or ‘shippers’ and blaming them for causing any unrest is, bluntly, blaming the victims. 

On the plus side, if you meet someone who wants to argue that JDS was forced by the malice of entitled fans or whatever similar bullshit, now you know the truth about that person. They are not an ally of the LGBT+ community.

Look, I work to be as balanced as possible. I try to give at least some benefit of the doubt – for ignorance, if nothing else – when things go wrong. I do my best to consider all views, and use logic over emotion. Even the worst case may contain something to teach us, if we can only see it from the right angle. 

But there are some lines I have not drawn in the sand; I have etched them in concrete. And one of them is the Bury Your Gays trope. 

I lived in Washington D.C. during the AIDS crisis. I watched my community be decimated while no one else fucking cared. For years, the most you’d hear in mainstream media was an attitude that loss, grief, the unending pain of funeral after funeral after goddamn funeral was righteous punishment for being queer. Even these many years later, one of the rare ways to enrage me is “an innocent victim.” That phrase was only ever used for heterosexuals. Only they were innocent of guilt for being queer; only their suffering was unjustified, only they were worth mourning. 

So you’re just gonna have to excuse me if I take it a little personal when I’m forced to watch queer people – real or fictional – die. Again. Especially when the survivor’s grief becomes tragedy porn for people who live blissfully ignorant of the continuing toll of AIDS, bashings, gay panic murders, and suicide. And while I’m on the topic, if you think I was the only adult getting triggered by memories long-buried — of diagnosed friends abandoned by loved ones — you are dead wrong. 

Fortunately, I am not alone. Enough of us survived and somehow grew up and now have — in a change I really never thought I’d see in my lifetime — families of our own. Anyone thinking it one more twitter spat seriously underestimates us. I guarantee you there was more going on, even if the parts JDS saw were only on twitter. 

All together, I do feel the apology stopped short of two things: one, there was no consideration of the larger picture, given the story’s treatment of disabled and traumatized characters. Or how the story burdened a single character with disability and trauma, and then piled a failed mlm relationship on top, in the same episode as it reveals the character’s terminal disease. 

And two, I wanted action items, not a pat on the back as if anger from my community and our allies existed entirely for JDS’ life lesson. I would’ve liked something about what JDS would do differently, going forward.

Would he make a point of reaching out to our community, to get our insight, the next time he wishes to represent us? Would he get involved in Dreamworks’ diversity or Out program, and learn to be a better ally? Would he seek to work closer with us, to respect us as part of the audience, rather than dismissing our pain as a minor by-product of his story? 

And lastly, given the emotional context, if JDS and the staff were sincere, I’d like to hear they’re speaking up if they see someone blaming fans – of any stripe – for the EPs’ own actions. If JDS and Dreamworks are truly remorseful, it would behoove them to reject attempts to shift blame onto anyone else. After what they did to us — intentionally and knowingly – supporting the community is the absolute least they could do. 

[lost-your-memory]

semi angsty prompt where kara and alex really talk about the fact kara will out live the humans in her life (specifically cat), maybe alex see's cat without make up and it kinda hits her for the first time the significance of their age difference (that's never been her biggest concern about the relationship) and kara is just like "you think i don't know that?" and they have a really honest convo about it and what kara is really gonna have to face as time goes on

It’s rather short and not that angsty but I figured it would fit anyway. Thank you for this brillant prompt Darling ♥

Alex is wise beyond her years, despite her somewhat fierce temperament.She rushes forward whenever the people she loves are in danger, thinking of a plan in a matter of seconds and putting it to execution right away and sometimes, it’s hard to follow her.She’s a storm and she waltzes in and out but sometimes, sometimes she doesn’t.Sometimes, she just takes a step back and she studies the world around her.She takes in details no one else seems to notice and she’s become something of a walking library of facts, information and unalterable truths, ones she keeps to herself because it’s not important.It never is, until some day, one of those truths she’s never voiced just explode in front of her.

—Friday night, she’s at the Grants for dinner and she’s nursing a glass of Scotch when Carter arrives.He’s tall and strong and the smile of his lips is one of happiness as he says hi to her. She smiles back at him and there’s a voice in her head that wonders «when did he become so adult». She shrugs and asks about college, science, engineering and stuff she knows about. He’s a prodigy, a genius and Maxwell Lord and Lena Luthor only have a few years left to savor their glory before the next Grant barges in their field to take them down.Then, she hears the door opens and closes and soon enough, Cat Grant is making her way across the living room and towards the kitchen, where Kara is making dinner.“Hi Alex.” She says with a wave of her hand but her attention is elsewhere. The smile she’s directing at Kara is tender, soft and loving but it crinkles her face and Alex is suddenly aware of each creases and cracks that break Cat’s carefully applied makeup.She feels like an intruder because it is not something she’s supposed to see but there it is. Age, dripping from Cat’s face, from Cat’s whole body and there’s something in her eyes that tells Alex she’s self-aware.Kara doesn’t seem to notice and Alex adverts her eyes when they kiss, focusing back on Carter. She wonders if Kara realizes, all the implications of dating Cat, truly realizes.—Dinner is full of laugh and love, punctuated by Cat’s sassy comments and Alex’s sneaky comebacks and it’s soft and warm, it’s domestic.Carter yawns and says goodbye to them, leaving Alex, Cat and Kara to sip at their alcohol in the living room. Cat is sat down on one of the couches, Kara laying sideways with her head on her lover’s lap and Alex is facing them, comfortably settled in a pushy armchair. She’s nursing another glass of Scotch and she’s a little dizzy but it’s familiar and good.Cat asks about Maggie and Alex answers with a smile, the conversation flowing very easily between them. It had taken her months to be okay with the idea of her baby alien sister dating the powerful CEO of CatCo Worldwide Media but in the end, she’s come to learn how to like Cat. She wouldn’t admit it out loud but she actually considers the Queen of all media like someone close. Maybe even a part of her little makeshift and carefully selected family.Kara is content to just chime in from time to time but she doesn’t move and Alex is sure she would purr if she was a cat. Alex watches as Cat’s fingers are gently caressing her sister’s blond hair and then, she notices it. She sees the faint brown age spots, the way the veins start to have a certain relief, the delicacy of bones that are not as strong as they once were.Alex looks away and sips at her alcohol. They talk and talk and Alex sees the cracks and flaws of Cat’s body slowly stand out under the dim light of the living room.In the end, Cat leaves after wishing them goodnight.Alex drinks and drinks and she pours herself another glass, aware of her sister’s deep blue eyes on her. The unvoiced truth is caught in her throat and she doesn’t want to let it out but then Kara tilts her head to the left and she knows she can’t keep it for herself anymore.Her voice is soft and gentle but the words are still a blow.“You’re going to survive her, you know?”—Kara refuses to talk about it and she leaves it alone.She knows her sister will come to her once she’s ready.It takes a month and a near-death experience for that to happen.—Kara’s sprawled on her couch, a cushion over her face and Maggie gives her a knowing look before announcing she’s going to the alien bar. Kara doesn’t even try to say she can stay and the lieutenant closes the door behind her.Alex sighs and comes to sit beside her sister, moving Kara’s feet to put them on her lap, so she can stroke them while they talk.“I know she’s going to die, eventually.”The words are strangled and strained with one too many emotions, but Alex stays silent. She is wise and used to be around Kara so she knows, she knows she can’t push her sister. Kara will talk on her own terms.“Don’t you think I know that? I knew, even before we were a couple, that I would outlive her.” Kara says and this time, the tone is a little stronger but the emotions are swirling and spinning in her inflections, in the way she doesn’t really ask the question.Alex hesitates and she grabs one of her sister’s feet to massage it before gently, so ever gently, speaking again.“It’s not just her, Kara.”She hears the sob and she feels it at the same time, her sister’s whole body shaking under the violence of it. She pushes a little harder on Kara’s skin, knowing it helps her to relax a little but she knows nothing can really calm the superhero now.“I’m going to lose everyone all over again, Alex, I know that.” It’s heavy, so heavy in Alex’s ears and she swallows a sob of her own because she needs to be strong for her little sister. She remembers the little girl that came to live with them when she was a teenager, she still dreams of those haunted and devastatingly sad deep blue eyes some nights. She knows Kara still has nightmares where she sees Krypton die, over and over and over again and out of everyone else in Kara’s life, she understands why her sister’s always trying to avoid the subject.“I know, Kara. I know.” She doesn’t offer some lies about it, it would be insulting the both of them and she hates false hope.“I’m going to be there, standing at everyone else’s funerals and … Year after year, people are going to die and I will end up … alone. I will have to deal with … with the aftermaths.” Kara’s voice is low, so low and desperate, Alex clenches her jaw to swallow another wave of sadness.“I know. You will be there because you will honor each and every single one of us, you will be there to celebrate our lives and how lucky we were to have been around you, Kara.” She says and it’s soft and warm and it’s peaceful. She realizes she’s made peace with her upcoming death and that she’s more worried about Kara than anything else, really.“Don’t … Don’t say that.” The words are choked up and Alex reaches to take the cushion off of her sister’s face.Oh, she should have let it where it was.Kara’s deep, deep blue eyes are a stormy torrent and tears are rolling down at their corners, heavily falling on the couch’s fabric underneath her. She’s crying silently and her whole body jerks and jumps from the sheer force of her chagrin.It’s desperate and unavoidable, there’s a tragedy caught in the drenched eyelashes, a faith worse than death shining in the tears and oh, it’s heart-wrenching to see those baby blue eyes reflect all the funerals they will someday witness.Alex sees so many coffins and black clothes, she sees rains and winters, she sees ashes and dust and ruins and she sees a forever that tastes like bittersweet agony.She’s not breathing and it takes her lungs to burn with the lack of oxygen for her to realize she needs to inhale. Kara watches her and there’s a knowing gleam shining underneath all that pain and suffering about a future she’s dreadful about. Alex finally takes a sharp intake of breath and she smiles.She smiles and she whispers “You might outlive us, Kara, but you will never, ever be alone.”She feels Kara’s eyes upon her but she doesn’t face her, staring into nothing as she keeps talking.“Wherever you go, wherever you will be, there will be people to be there for you. You’re a sun, Kara, people are drawn to you and they gravitate around you, you don’t even notice it. It takes some of us to point it out for you to realize how much you’re surrounded.” Her voice is very low and it’s barely a breath but she knows Kara can hear her.“You will have people and even though it won’t be us, we will still be with you somehow. You will have memories and souvenirs and for a while, those will be painful yes. You’re going to feel sad, empty, lost and angry but one day, you will love those images of your past, you will love them fondly. Everyone goes through grief and loss at some point in our life. Yes, you are an alien and you will live longer, you will experience it more than anyone else in the world but … you will also see wonders, Kara. You love the whole Humanity, you have faith in it so you will see it rise and fall, you will see newborns, progresses, kindness and goodness of heart but above all of this, you will witness love, over and over and over again.” Alex says and she smiles again.Kara doesn’t speak and Alex stares at her for a while, noticing the tears are still there, shining in her sister’s eyes but they’re not falling. She assumes it’s a step up.“We will lose mom and then plenty of other people we love. You will lose Cat and then me and then James and Winn and Lucy. Carter too, one day. People are going to leave, because their lives will come to an end but it’s not necessarily bad you know. Living a full life is a blessing itself and besides, we are going to leave a legacy behind us. Children. Achievements. Actions the world will need to remember. You will have to watch over our legacy, guide it, protect it, cherish it.” Alex talks and talks, her voice sounding a little unreal, even to herself.“You will never, ever be alone Kara. Yes, you will suffer grief and loss and it’s going to be hard, I can’t lie and you know it. But life is all about balance and you are going to make sure the world keeps spinning. You are the sun Kara and the world will always, always love you.”She smiles again and it’s a little dreamy. Kara doesn’t speak yet but she seems calmer now, no tears on her cheeks and not even in her deep blue eyes.Finally, finally, Kara smiles and it’s sad but almost peaceful. It’s not bright, it’s not sunny and it lacks hope but it’s something and Alex takes it.Then she whispers “Are you going to stick around until the very end?”Alex smirks and answers “Always.”