#ive been too busy being insane and sad the past few days and also incredibly distant so i have not even had time to have sex or do anything

[ghostmartyr]

Pokémon FireRed Nuzlocke [Part 11]

The quest continues to beat this game using standard Nuzlocke rules and the added rule of no battling outside of Trainers. Grinding is strictly forbidden. In round I-don’t-even-know of this adventure, we head to Nugget Bridge!

Yee. haw.

-many minutes later-

Well, that’s done with. Now time to go beat up on all the Trainers hanging out near Bill’s house. Also I guess time to free Bill from the Detective Pikachu nonsense he done did to himself.

This is all going to be things we’ve done before, with me nonchalantly hoping Acorn (Pikachu) makes it up to a usable level by the end.

In the spirit of mixing it up a little, I’m going to see if Acorn can handle some of the pre-Misty trainers in her Gym. Totally not because there’s a level 17 Slowpoke up there that I want him to be able to knock flat.

First trainer beat without a fuss, Acorn grows to level 16, blah blah blah, ah. The second trainer has a Goldeen, so we’ll just come back later once we’re done with the Route 24 people. ...25?

Hell, I don’t know. I barely care at this point.

It’s 25. I do not care.

I CARE A LITTLE ACORN DON’T DIE.

Acorn does not die.

I think a piece of me does.

I’m gonna take a break from battles and catch my 24/25 stuff.

Oddish for 25 ftw!

Caught it!

Its name is Oak.

Route 24 wants us to have Weedle. As penance for missing one in Viridian Forest, I assume.

...

Acorn killed it.

Am I ever going to get both a Route 24 and a Route 25 pokemon?

[doubt]

Note how the Clefairy just disappears. Detective Pikachu’s take on this is much less dark.

Alrighty. All trainers up by Bill have been dealt with, meaning that it’s time to go forth and deal with the rest of Misty’s Gym. Acorn is level 17, Oak is level 25. Oak will take on the Goldeen the remaining trainer has. Then Acorn will have a chance against Staryu, but Oak will take on Starmie.

Acorn gets an Oran Berry, Oak gets a Persim. That Starmie’s confusion rate is the worst thing about this entire Gym.

My policy is that I have four sacrificial token pokemon in my party to spare my real team members pain. I think I’m canonically a monster.

Oki doki. The Staryu is level 18, so I think Acorn should be okay against it.

Yes! Acorn survives without a scratch.

But you are not fighting the Starmie. We do not gamble with Gym battles.

-flashbacks to Brock-

...We do not gamble with. most. Gym battles.

Oak, now level 26, against a level 21 Starmie. AKA An Abomination.

Wow.

Heeeeeeeeey, second badge get!

Time to wander down to Route 5 and catch a thing.

The thing is going to be a Meowth. Its name is Oak.

This is so much easier to do when you’re not typing down every single little thing you’re doing. I’m incredibly grateful for my past self’s logs, but I’m even more grateful that they did them so I don’t have to. Going through and not bothering with anything except the highlights is a lot more pleasant.

Not replaying Route 1 is, too.

This Butterfree Supersonicing everything in sight is less fun. The Stun Spore isn’t great either. But like everything eventually, it dies.

Step 1 of figuring out what to do about Celadon.

Step 2.

Step 3.

Wow, I’m not sure I’ve ever read this entry properly before. This is incredibly mean.

(Its name is Oak.)

And with that, we have our Vermilion City catch, and no longer have to worry about Magikarp belonging to any other route. Awesome. This is much nicer than the first time we caught a thing in this city.

Route 6 is taking too long to catch things in. We’re abandoning the attempt for now.

What we are not abandoning.

Is this insanity.

The reason I bought Repels during Left’s run, and then again during this one.

I think you can catch Diglett up to level 29 here. Oak is level 27. If I put on a Repel, things stronger than him will spawn. That should mean. I can get a ridiculously overleveled Ground pokemon for free. If true, that will help immensely.

Let’s watch as whatever happens is not that.

THERE WE GO!

The risk now is that we won’t catch it, or it will kill Oak.

Bite or Water Gun. Bite or Water Gun.

Bite for first bit.

Okay, Bite does little enough that Water Gun should be safe.

This thing knows Sand Tomb. My other fear about this arrangement is that it will have abandoned Magnitude as a move. I’m hoping I’m wrong, but even if I’m not. Level 29 Dugtrio. That’s not bad, given my options.

One more Bite, then I’ll try to catch.

It also knows Mud Slap.

-worry intensifies-

It uses Dig.

What’s the last move, Dugtrio.

FUCK YEAH.

This is probably the best thing I can currently do for this run. I would very much like for nothing bad to happen, but the fact that I can make this work is already really swell.

Her name is Bark.

Bark, you will replace Oak in the party. Now let’s see.

She’s Serious, and... yeah. No Magnitude. Because Mud Slap and Sand Tomb are so much better.

It’s okay, though. We’ll get through this by being superbly overleveled. Squee. We also now have something to eat Attack IVs up for breakfast, so this is just. There is nothing bad about this.

Route 11, what’ve you got for me?

Drowzee.

It’s caught. Its name is Oak.

Now to beat up the many, many trainers on this route. In hopes of getting Acorn to know Thunderbolt. That’s at level 26. He’s at level 20 right now.

Post-Route 11?

Level 22.

:(

Bike Voucher to drown my sorrows.

Followed by boat ride.

-many minutes later-

Acorn is level 25. Soon. Soon, the day will come. The day of reckoning. Thunderbolt is waiting. Somehow I’m always surprised by how difficult it can be to get an Electric pokemon with Thunderbolt. I think that, more than anything else, has single-handedly killed my general interest in raising Electric pokemon. It’s kind of sad. They were by far my favorite when I was a kid.

Side note unrelated to anything going on right now that might be scaring me.

Rattata with Hyper Fang is scary.

Those tiny things aren’t supposed to be dangerous.

Then.

Suddenly.

Danger.

And just in time for the Rival battle!

They’re going to have a real awkward wedding one day.

This fight is a lot simpler when my lowest level pokemon is level 26. Take notes, future self.

The Ivysaur is very, very annoying, though. Bark turns out to be my best choice for dealing with it. Not what I would call a comfort. ...Heero. I still miss you. So much.

Cut get.

Super happy fun boat trip over now.

We teach Cut to Oak, and go about our business entering the Gym and throwing all the Trainers to the ground. Acorn, Bark. I put my faith in you.

Pokemon fans, what is your least favorite Gym setup, and why is it Surge’s?

Let’s goooooooo.

Acorn will (hopefully) handle the Voltorb and Pikachu, and then leave the Raichu to Bark’s capable. whatevers.

Success on Acorn’s side.

Bark...?

Right.

Yeah, so Double Team?

Do Not Like.

Except when I use it. It’s like Sturdy, in that way.

This fight takes around ten turns for Dig to actually hit and knock the Raichu out in one blow.

Surge’s Gym: The Actual Worst.

We made it to needing Flash! Miracles do exist!

...Wait, what do I have that can learn Flash?

None of the Oaks present. :(

And this time!

This time!

I made it through the damn Diglett cave without needing to kill any for illicit exp.

Back at Cerulean, I’m gonna get my bike, but first I’m going to put Oak in the box so that Oak can come in and learn Cut and Flash.

Heading off to Rock Tunnel like a boss.

Huh, there’s an Aerial Ace TM around these here parts. I’m going to get rid of Sand Tomb on Bark (I hate Sand Tomb and everything remotely like Sand Tomb, so I can’t see myself using it) and teach her Aerial Ace. She is going to be violently fighting Fighting pokemon at some point, and the next Gym coming up is one I have nothing naturally super effective against.

Meanwhile, back in things happening, Route 9 option is a Spearow!

...tfw you don’t know how not to kill something and throwing a poke ball doesn’t work.

But we persevere and catch it!

Its name is Oak.

Route 10 shows us... Voltorb!

.zaft. ;-;

Oh whoops.

Um.

I was spamming the A-button equivalent.

Bye Voltorb, nice not knowing you. Uh. Sorry. +117 illicit exp to Bark and Acorn.

Oops.

Let’s go hide in a cave now and not examine all of that too closely.

Rock Tunnel gives us a Geodude to try not to kill! We are going to answer that call with utmost seriousness, and do whatever possible to not kill the Geodude.

Success!

Its name is Oak.

Now we undertake the long. long. long. journey through the tunnel. It’s exactly like that scene in Lord of the Rings. Just with less fire. And wizards.

This Clefairy near the end of the tunnel is trying my patience. Minimize is the worst. Letting pokemon become immobilized by love is the worst. All of this is the worst. I miss being able to set things on fire so much.

As romantic as it is that love as a status appears to be unending, fucking stop.

Cool. Nice. Great.

Playing this is sapping my struggling will to live, good grief.

Okaay.

So here’s how this plays. I think, if I were given the choice of having everything handed to me, I would go with catching one of the Snorlaxes, and catching a very high level Grimer in Celadon. That would put me at five pokemon. Six would be if I wanted to take the Hitmonlee or Hitmonchan.

I don’t know if I have the resources to make that work.

Truth be told, I still think it was possible for me to beat the Elite Four with my original team. I was overly paranoid about the wrong things, as it turned out, and made a few bad calls. But I don’t think that team was doomed to failure.

Leveling things up so they’re invincible works as a strategy, but I’m also undoubtedly handicapped with Typing. I could drag this current team through the game with no additions, and the leveling could make up for a lot. Maybe even enough to surpass my original team.

Or I could pick some more stuff up.

It’s a hard call. I do really think that throughout the entire game, I only have three realistic options for team additions, and I’m very close to having my hands on any of them. Everywhere else, the leveling is just too much of a negative. A level 25 Lapras was cool and all, but if you look at how much time went into leveling it, I’m not sure I would call having it my best option. Buying a Scyther has already been ruled out here, because it would be level 20. It would resist Fighting and make all Psychic things easier, but it would take too many resources to train.

Grimer, Snorlax, Fighting Gift.

Those are the things I can get that I feel could be a worthwhile investment.

What do I want my final team to look like? What things do I already know are going to cause problems, and how do I want to adjust for them?

Questions I get to ask after three badges. Hell. Why did I think this was a good idea?

I think what I’ll do. Ugh.

See, I think the problem is that the Fighting thing is closest to being gotten, but the Snorlax is what determines if I use it or not. If I can’t have Snorlax, the Fighting thing would be good. But I don’t find out if I’ll get the Snorlax until a bit later and argh.

For now, let’s keep things simple. We’ll go through the tower now, so Acorn and Oak are more experienced as we hit the other sections of the plot. I can’t remember if I get the Super Rod now or later, so we’ll also go down and mess with the fisher people briefly.

Tower and Rival-san first.

...Oh wait. I guess the first thing I want to do is dodge as many trainers as possible and run to Celadon for a Thunderstone for Acorn. Let’s do that.

But if we can get the Super Rod already, it would be best to do that now so we could nab a Grimer when we got there... Sigh.

No Super Rod just yet, sorry me.

Route.... uh. One we’re on while we head towards Celadon gives us a Growlithe to try and catch. ...Bark kills it. More sighing. +195 illicit exp.

Celadon reached, Tea gotten. And...

Yay!

Now to buy a ton of Lemonade.

Then we deal with the tower.

The nicest thing about Heero (that is a lie, all things about Heero were the nicest) was that we didn’t have to deal with this monstrosity.

Ivysaur is still difficult. I don’t have an actual answer to that, yet. It has perfect accuracy with its Sleep Powder so far, adding to the extreme difficulty. We get through it, though, and Oak handles the Kadabra.

Now for the rest of the tower to be taken by Acorn and Oak.

Right. We can’t yet see these, so no catching just yet.

So I lied. Acorn killed everything. Oak did not help. Sorry, Oak. Now I guess we go do the Celadon side of this. So we can then come back to the tower. So we can then figure out if we’re doing a Snorlax or a thingamajig. So we then can get a Grimer.

On and on it goes.

“I don’t sound remotely suspicious at all!”

Sigh. I hate how Levitate is a thing with certain Poison pokemon. Not naming names or anything. I’m just pointing out that my life would be much, much easier if Bark could Dig every single Poison thing in existence.

Look Ma, I made it.

Thanks in advance for giving Oak some exp, Giovanni.

Though Bark is taking the Kangaskhan. Love you Oak, but Dig is better than Water Gun. ...and it still manages to do nothing. That’s mildly scary. I have never missed Allenby so deeply.

Bark finishes it off while still in the green, though. Proving once again that leveling beats everything.

Silph Scope get, so now we can go and finish up the tower.

...I don’t think I actually have any moves that won’t kill this, so if throwing a Poke Ball doesn’t work, we’re running away.

Hm.

It used Curse. Fine, we’ll make an honest try of catching it.

...Why does every sleep-inducing move hit every single fucking time. Why. Why why why.

...

I don’t know how it’s still alive, and I feel like it shouldn’t be.

Whatever.

It’s caught.

Its name is Oak.

Hey, my past self screwed up and didn’t note if I could run away from the Marowak or not. If I can, I have to do that instead of winning extra exp.

Ah. Running away lets me leave the battle, but when I walk back forward the Marowak respawns. Fair. Guess you’ve gotta die, sad ghost.

That done with, time to rescue flute guy. He has a name, but that name is less important than that he has a flute and will determine what our final team will look like once we make use of it.

...I can’t believe I just realized that this is basically Kurt’s plot from gen 2.

We now begin the most difficult trial of the run.

The Snorlax wars.

If catching one looks like it will kill someone, I’m running from it. That goes for both of them. This is a mission of pure luck. Snorlax can kill whatever it wants. The mission is to avoid it killing my team. Accidentally killing it is cool, but if the choices are something dying or running to escape, we are running.

Pictured: Stress.

Let’s get this done with.

...This is not going to work. One Headbutt puts Bark in the orange. If it decides to make a concentrated attack instead of just sleeping, I’m in trouble. Plus, without an Allenby, all I have barely puts a dent in it.

THEN AS I AM TYPING THIS

What the actual fuck.

Welcome to the team, Trunk?

Uh.

Things I did not expect.

Oak, you’re going in the box to make room for Trunk.

Then I guess we’ll. Go get the Super Rod. Fetch Grimer. Then deal with the actual plot of the game. Huh.

Trunk is Quirky, and has Immunity, which as we learned last time, is great for Koga. So uh. What I guess I’m saying is. Nice. This puts us dangerously close to being in a pretty good place.

Lowest level thing that I’m using is level 30. That’s really, really good. So now we’re going to feed all the trainers we didn’t beat on Route 8 to Trunk, and giggle about it as we go.

Righty then, Trunk hits level 32, and we’re going to storm Erika’s Gym now.

...Why does everything put all of my stuff to sleep this round.

I also should find a more workable solution to fighting Grass pokemon at some point. I have an inkling that being overleveled isn’t going to last forever, and it’s my only real defense at the moment.

And I need to stop having Oak in up front. I’m trying to get some Sp. Atk from the Oddishes and things, but really it’s just meaning I forget and have to switch out on things like Bellsprout. EV training fails everywhere.

Seriously though, I’m using Acorn to deal with Grass things. That is not a solution. That is an abomination.

Lesgo.

Including blatant the blatant stupidity of having Acorn fight the Vileplume.

I just want my team to be its best self. Don’t judge.

VINDICATION.

Badge 4, get!

And now we fish for our Grimer. Which. tbh I don’t even know if it’ll make sense to use, but in any case, we will have it. Having things is nice.

According to Serebii, there’s a 1% chance of Grimer here. Mostly this pond just has Magikarp.

We’re going to be here a while. Especially since getting a pokemon on the hook at all is proving mighty difficult. Until a few seconds ago, I was averaging five tries per Magikarp.

-6. hours. later.-

.

.

.

Presenting.

The lowest level Grimer you can catch in this here pond.

Are you fucking kidding me.

-cries in the corner for six more hours-

(Sadly, only one of those descriptions of my actions is fake. Now that really wants to make me cry for six hours.)

Its name.

is.

Sap.

It joins the party. Tree goes in the box.

It is Brave.

Good for it.

Let’s call this a stopping point, shall we?

[thevulernablepreacher]

Energy Healing-Read it Anyway

Inspiration is a God thing. When it hits my mind is on fire. It courses through me. I LOVE it. Rarely am i somewhere i can write it down as its happening. I’m on the toilet or driving..recording doesn’t help. I forget i recorded and have zero to negative patience for listening back.

I read Lean Dunham’s piece on her breakup this morning when i woke up b/c it was front and center in my Instagram feed. IT’s gross how addicted I am. i had been looking at her photo’s lately, wondering if she’d broken up. I sensed it. The energy surrounding here screams it. She’s been looking so clearly sad behind what looks like attempts to put on a strong and happy front . 

Someone wrote a reply saying so. I wanted to annihilate that person. I cannot tolerate the ease with which other people decide they're on an intimate enough basis to say this kind of shit to pepole. Of course she looks sad you ignorant fuck; you think she doesn’t see that or know that? She’s a fucking creative genius living in her emotions at every flipping second. So that’s not a helpful reflection.

I hate the word trigger but that comment clearly did just that to me. But that’s not at all what i want to write about.

What happened when i read that was that i fell in love with LD again. She blows my mind. She is an INCREDIBLE writer. She can talk about shit that we all talk about and experience in a way that no one articulates it. She has this special sauce ability with language to get into the nooks and crannies like a Thomas’s English muffin,  so deeply descriptively. 

I fell in love and i was jealous..so fucking jealous. I want to write that well. I want to be that fucking famous; not for fame sake, but i think maybe for the flow of cash (so i could work from an Adirondack chair) and for people desiring to hear more from me and thus paying gigs would fly in..a beautiful viscous cycle.

I had a mind blowing energy healing session yesterday and one of the things she said to me was, “I can just imagine your next speaking gig when you show up completely authentically; how powerful that will be.”

Well, i had that next gig this morning. I had to read  a “purpose and overview” statement to my networking group at 7:15 am. i wrote it last night. I took two bowls of ground curried lamb topped with black salt, and three cups of chamomile tea get it good and done. It took probably an hour and 1/2 to complete. I love it and its torturous.

I read it this morning and i will tell you i was amazed at my sureness confidence. No longer is my voice shaky when i speak. I”m finding that to be true in my speaking club group too. I just feel right; strong, upright, grounded. I was listening to myself and i thought, “God, this is really good.”

I was speaking to a room full of humans of an incredible caliber. They are all seasoned vets, with solid truly “successful” and thriving businesses. More importantly,  they are also stellar humans. 

Interestingly there’s a lot of lesbians in this group. We have the woman who brought Title IX to Yale, back in the day. She was also the first female plumber in the state. She’s unbelievably awesome. We have an amazing acupuncturist and a landscape architect to die for: all lesbians. Amazing, so cool. 

And in terms of men; stellar men. Incredible to be able to say that; and its true.

One of my mentors and fav’s among uttered, “wow” when i finished reading. Another caught my eye from a distance, beamed at me and gave me the thumbs up.

They’re all human of course, even though i pedistalize them (constant challenge for me). They've al made  gaffs in the building process. I of course LOVE to hear about them. Nothing more fulfilling than hearing about stellar fuckups made by people i so admire. It takes a ton of come to Jesus moments, courage and perseverance to create a business, build it, hone it and nurture it constantly. Beyond belief.

The first thing i thought when sat down was: “is that what i’m supposed to be doing, speaking publicly”? The answer is yes. I’ve known this ALWAYS.

That question came this morning though b/c my energy healing session was about clearing a blockage between my solar and lunar chakras. She said she’d never seen a more perfect and equal imbalance. she was psyched and I was psyched. she cleared it. 

The imbalance was making it impossible for me to live my life’s purpose. 

I knew exactly when the imbalance came in. It happened after the best six years of my adolescence. And ironically i have been through 6 years  physical pain, illness, total annihilation of feeling like Emily. So the six year thing she thought was incredible. I guess the jig is up.

What i learned: ANYTIME one has pain or feet issues it is because they are having Lunar issues. FASCINATING to me! Can you imagine if we all did energy healing instead of taking pills or having surgery? WTF!!!!!

Anyway a part of me got scared when she talked about showing up now authentically.  Could i do that after mastering looking like i was showing up authentically so well? What would that feel like?

I talked to her about how I am able to create great intimacy, make people laugh, connect, when i speak publicly. So I am living my life purpose..sort of; the blockage part is that i keep the all at a 5 feet distance. 

She asked about friendships; which ironically my former therapist asked me recently through an FB chat we were having. I said i have them; very close one’s but i never see them; any of them. it’s always been a source of great pain.

I don’t have daily intimacy. It makes me so so sad. You know those people who command the stage and can’t bear talking intimately with a group? I’m not that person. I have very intimate interchanges and time with close friends ..but it’s far from often. And when i do I then go home alone, and spend inordinate amounts of time alone.

Some of that is okay..but id prefer less at this point. Pain and illness have made that alone time grow; but it has been there since as early as I can remember.

And while i would love a best friend/partner who makes me laugh and with whom i can go to the movies, hang out, talk about nothing and everything with; i also stay away from it b/c i think it would suck to be with someone who has such intense forward and backwards and ups and downs..id be afraid of bringing them down and of becoming dependent upon them.

I know. I have a fear of true intimacy. I come by it so honestly it’s beyond.

I blocked off from true intimacy b/c performing was exhausting; performing in real life. i learned in my house that revealing all of me was going to receive very intense judgment and rejection.

Ive had two long term lesbian relationships. They were both abusive. Im so different now; that would not happen. And i think the right person will show up when the time is right; but i keep feeling like that may be close. I have a great curiosity as to what that will look like. It will be something i’ve never known before. This much I know.

I’m writing all of this b/c during the energy healing session my feet were buzzing. Afterwards i was able to walk in my adidas flip flops with the nubs comfortably for the first time in months. I was elated.

I thought...this shit works.

I talked about my very clear image of myself in my 60′s galavanting all over the globe with a partner having the time of my life; pain free; joyful, healthy. She asked that i write about the crazy creative that i was at Far Brook when i was a kid; when i was encouraged every day to be as insane and out there as I could possibly be. 

My surrogate grandfather Mr. Finckle, would sit in the back of the hall while i did this larger than life evangelical thing. He loved it. My friend Donna would play some soap opera music and gospel music and i would just go. If I was watching myself now i think i’d find it hilarious. I was off my rocker in the best possible way.

I did this every day all day for 6 years. I laughed straight for 6 years. it never occurred to me to button up or quiet down. My music, humor, authentlic prowess, improv gifts were living LARGE. It was a magical creative faucet turned on and flowing at full force.

That’s me. That’s my essence. 

I remember being at a visual art opening this past winter  at a crystal gallery (yeah, really). I was being told as the artist was playing her violin. That not only did she create art. she was clearly a musician, and a writer. I thought: Jesus  this art is hideous; but regardless, she has as show and is playing her music at her show and people are here loving all of it! WTF.  And i thought, i too am a musician and an artist..and used to produce on full throttle. What happened to her?

So this morning...i was wondering after i read that piece: “was i being authentically me?” I know i was talking to a bunch of  business people...but i think i was being me.

Im working on that really consciously now. I told my energy healer that really me is kind of messy looking and tatted abundantly. I wasn’t messy enough today for sure. And i would LOVE a few more tattoos.

I walked by a  woman looking like an artist coming home from yoga yesterday. She was disheveled and nothing matched. And i thought she was stunning. She made me feel completely at home. She was a huge reflection of me at my most creative self. She would have been floored had i told her how much i loved her look.

So i am trying to button down  big time; to be me in the realm of business and the real world..and watching; seeing what that might be. 

I write all of this because i left my networking meeting early. I was in a fuck load of pain. My foot is not healed. My knees were killing me. another part of my foot was really hurting and i though omfg i think i restrained the right ankle area again..this is of course not the left ankle that is always stressed and restraining if i have the boot on. 

A couple of people asked me why was there if i was in pain. I was completely flummoxed and searching for the answer. Why was I there when i was in pain?

Because i didn’t want to be in pain; because i thought i’d be okay. Because i rarely cancel on business things. Lately I'm cancelling more and not feeling guilty.

I was so fucking mad at my pain this morning. I told people i was mad, over it. Tired of shelling out cash like an ATM to heal myself. O.V.E.R. IT!

I get to say that. I so get to say that.

Im over the shame and i’m over the isolation it causes..i do everything in my power to heal. I seek every possible Western and alternative person on the planet..and still I am in  pain. 

I’m also confused and not sure how to proceed. I’m not good at figuring it out.

And because i’m me, this is what i think: There is something that i am not getting. There is something about my souls path that i am not answering. 

That’s why i ask: “am i supposed to be speaking and not building this business?” Logic to me, and the inner voice says, “yes, that’s right.”

My life should flow. My life can flow. My life is not flowing. 

When i’m in pain its really hard to be positive. Someone used the word “positivity” today at our meeting..a visitor. No one in our group would use that word. I wouldn’t be in a group that did. I would be throwing up all over the group if that was the case. I can’t stand that word. 

It’s complete bullshit. You have to get the core of your shit to feel positive..i think i’m at my core. I cannot stand “words or quotes of the times”..horrifying.

I also wonder: "If i start speaking publicly will my physical pain just go away?”

I’m an unbelievable magical thinker. So i think that’s what the universe is waiting for. 

For today i will wear my cool blue Bomba’s peds with my Adidias flip flops b/c for some reason that seems to ease the pain a bit. I think it’s just because the feeling of the nubs takes over.

I have no cohesive ending here; i’m just ending.