#ive managed to reach an okay place regarding my old traumas. but this stuff. man it's hard.
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It's a little funny. I spend so much time compartmentalizing that I convince myself I'm totally fine, of course, all the time.
But when I was filling out the questionnaire before my therapy appointment yesterday, it was like
.... OK yea maybe I have some problems
Also this one 😂😂😂
#speculation nation#it's ok i am now in therapy and we have weekly appointments set up#i havent always had the best experiences with therapy. and by that i mean it has never really been helpful to me#mostly tho bc it's been depression therapists. and i dont actually have depression.#what i DO have is trauma! and barely managed adhd and fibromyalgia.#and especially grief trauma in the past 5 years. oh God do i have grief trauma.#but i searched Specifically for a grief therapist with this. so she should be equipped to properly help me.#ive managed to reach an okay place regarding my old traumas. but this stuff. man it's hard.#i pushed myself to a near panic attack the other day upon realizing the painting i have is an authentic lithograph#& the realization that i am carrying the mantle of several generations of my family now.#most of the generations above me are now dead. so it's up to us to carry on their memories#and i am The One who is unapologetically incredibly tacky. up to me to carry that legacy.#it's pressure. weight that i didnt want. but i dont want to ignore it bc i dont want them to be forgotten.#so im hoping that with therapy. she can help me sort things out so it's less... difficult.#help me remember them without being paralyzed with panic and dread.#and maybe help me with my death paranoia...? 😅 i dont like feeling like anyone in my life could die at any time.#inevitable after my uncle died with only a month's warning and my dad died with barely more than a day's warning.#idk. for someone whose will to live comes from the people i love. it's rather paralyzing.#just gotta cling to the people i have left. and hold them dear.#negative/#kinda but not really. tagging just in case considering the subject matter.#idk im just trying to sort things out. no one goes through this many sudden deaths without a severe complex over it.#but. im in therapy now. and im trying. i am.
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