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itstheendofthegoddamnworld · 4 years

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Now, Where Were We?

Happy New Year everyone! Since people liked the first one, here is another Jacob Frye x Reader one-shot! Slightly longer than before, so be prepared!

Summary: Jacob can never get his favourite Rook alone before being disturbed.

Jacob was always told never to pick favourites, and that was for everything. From a young age, he had been taught of crucial lessons by his father, over the virtues of their Creed; teachings in which his sister caught on quicker than him.

From then on, the youngest Frye twins was never someone to keep at one thing, enjoying something and straying away from it. If there was something better than a possession he already owned, there was no stopping him from wanting to have it; a cycle that never ended.

What was the point in keeping to one thing for the rest of your life, when you had so many things that could keep you entertained?

Jacob Frye was always one to never have one thing for long, and for an assassin well known with a gang he planned out to take over the boroughs of London against the Blighters, anyone and everyone were more than surprised that he stuck with it.

When it came to Evie - who balanced this perfectly with a flip of a coin to land well each time - she had been one to criticise her younger brother for his failures in keeping to missions and plans.

When it came to his Rooks, he knew every single one of them and admired their valour and service to help against the Templars and Blighters, each one a name he had remembered with a face he couldn’t forget.

If anything, Jacob always thought it wouldn’t be good to keep favourites, who were always in his good books and who he liked more than others just on how they were outside of the field of their work.

This idea fell down the drain when he grew a certain liking to a certain Rook.

He remembered recruiting you, the date and the event that had taken down prior to it all. He had been impressed by your motivation and mere strength for not giving in and always thinking to the recruits, regardless if they were more experienced or rookies.

In some ways, his view on you was what he had wanted in the first place when he had first wanted to start a gang, and the pure fire that burned within you that made him see what a shining example you were to him and others.

Evie had spotted this admiration, calling it ‘mere respect’, when in actuality, she had wanted to call it a crush.

It had been an ordinary day in the morning of London, where there other many civilians walking around going about their business, as well as you too.

You had hopped onto their hideout on the train when it came into the station, a place that the Frye twins trusted very few Rooks in knowing and not betraying against the Templars or other rival gangs.

A request from the boss himself was asking you to come to meet him, wishing for your advice on taking over another piece of Blighter territory; the final step into taking over another borough.

Your feet moved like clockwork getting you from the side of the train to the second carriage. That was where you found Jacob, laid out like Julius Cesar being fed grapes on the sofa, in a relaxed posture with his legs up.

Upon your entry, you took note that he was the only one in the room, no sign of his sister anywhere nor Greenie.

“Mornin’ boss.” You greeted, walking through the doorway to take note of his body language. His languid hazel eyes lingered on yours longer than you had expected and... was he slowly looking you up and down again?

This behaviour wasn’t the first time you had been introduced to the bosses’ laid-back yet charming personality. You had been there to witness his drinking habits in pubs when you and another Rook had to drag him back to an angry Evie.

But from the many conversations the two of you had, you were pleased in knowing how relaxed he was in person; a guy who cared for those like his family and for those suffering.

You didn’t want to admit that you may have had a major crush on the assassin.

His gaze was always one that made you both nervous and timid, biting the inside of your cheek as he acknowledged you from his seat.

“How nice to see you here again, Y/N.”

He always called you by your first name after the initial introductions, never once calling you by your surname like all the other members.

It was something that made you anxious to stand, continually attempting to maintain eye contact with him, when all you wanted to do was shy away from his flirtatious eyes.

Or, so you thought he was flirtatious actions when it could’ve just been his character.

He was kind to everyone, yet you couldn’t help your heart from ticking a little quicker when you succeeded in making him grin or laugh at something you had said - whether it had been a little quip or joke to lighten the mood.

You tugged on your yellow armband in instinct for when you grew warily nervous and more watchful, something that never went unnoticed. Jacob was told of it one time by another Rook, a couple of months after getting to know you.

He had used it in ways to see if he could get you riled up. Most of the time, just in his body language whether he was subtle or not around you (only when it came to you and none of the other rooks) it would’ve been obvious.

“Mr Frye, you wanted to see me?” You questioned after some time just watching him from his reclined posture. “Yes, it seems that the last gang holdout has been pushed back, with no supplies coming in after our successful detoxication.” He spoke.

“I think it is high time for us to finish what we had sorted in beginning. From tomorrow, this territory will be owned by the Rooks.”

It was always so fascinating watching him speak out about his gang with such wonder and eyes of a cheerful puppy - so eager in wanting the best for his gang.

“If I may, Boss, you have asked me to come and speak with you about these matters, when you have Miss Frye or even someone more experienced than I.” You began, uneasy, twiddling your fingers.

“What I’m trying to ask his boss, is why do you always ask me and not someone else?”

Jacob’s eyes softened more so than normal (and that was saying something), as he stood from his feet to walk over to where you stood. He was always taller than you by a few inches, but still, seeing him so close to you, your heart fluttered once again from collapsing in from the inside of your chest.

“To put it simply, Y/N, I like your company.”

“Hmm?” You blinked owlishly at his words, simply stated but you were trying your best to remain calm in the situation, “I do not know how I feel about that, boss-”

“Jacob, please. We are alone, aren’t we?” His voice was low and sultry against your ear, practically his body was blocking you against the wall behind you, and you could barely even hear your breathing over the sound of the train squeaking against the tracks.

“What must we discuss, Jacob?” You found your voice through the screeching, looking up into his hazel eyes, and you had mistaken his charismatic eyes for ones of wanton.

His hand had slipped to further trap you against the wall, and you couldn’t help but press yourself against him involuntarily as if you needed the touch of him against you. He leant into your face, your eyes trailing down to his lips, darting u before you were caught.

“Perhaps, we can discuss these matters alone, in the evening, in my own room-”

You had ignored the noises of footsteps clicking their way into the second carriage, an occupied Evie staring at her papers as she walked through from behind.

“Mr Green has given us another target to speak with, Jacob. We’re needed to speak with him shortly-- oh?”

You were the first to pull away from Jacob, moving his hand so you could slip out, face flush as you stared wide-eyed at the oldest of the Frye twins.

She gave you a questionable yet quizzical look, looking between you and her brother with an amused gaze. Jacob didn’t look as frightened of being caught, but he looked more annoyed for being disturbed.

“M-Miss Frye, if you excuse me.” You bowed your head in acknowledgement, not daring to meet Jacob’s eye as you hurried out of the carriage, nearly throwing yourself off the track and onto the platform the train was passing by.

You were given some strange looks, but you were too busy taking off running to notice, smothering your cheeks from looking so flush as you ran back to your base.

You had attempted to stifle your embarrassment that same evening, pressing your face into the sleeve of your arm as you heard the uproar of laughter beside you, a firm slap to your back causing you to look up from the soreness.

“I knew it! I bloody knew it!” The boisterous laughter of the man beside you brought you to swallow more of the warm ale.

“Stuff it, Eddie, I don’t want to hear your mockery.” You snapped, slugging your drink with the intent on finishing it; regardless of how little soberness was left in you by the end of the night.

“I just cannot believe that you’re telling me this?” Eddie’s cheeks were flushed from the alcohol, his azure eyes glazed over from the amount he had drunk, his stocky figure leant against the bar in his seat. “You fancy the boss?”

“Hush, you git!” You screeched, teeth grit. “Or I’ll skin you alive!”

“B’ah! Oh, the thought of your little crush getting out terrifies you, doesn’t it?” He roared with laughter, sloshing his drink around and nearly knocking half of it on you.

“Eddie, I swear to God, if you tell him, I’ll-”

“Tell who what?” The familiar voice resounded from behind the two of you. Your blood froze in your body, all body functions stilling at the idea of knowing who was there.

“Boss, nice to see ya here this evening,” Eddie greeted the assassin with a nod his way, his brawny shoulder knocking you to the side, “Y/N was just wonderin’ where you ran off to.” He emphasised with a cheeky wink your way.

You had gritted your teeth unintentionally before turning yourself around in your seat to face Jacob, all macho and beautiful in your eyes that you thought you had stopped breathing. “Boss- I-”

“We didn’t finish our little chat earlier, Y/N, come, I’m sure we can continue it elsewhere.” Jacob gave you a warm smile, one that made sure to bring the blush on your cheeks.

You nodded, wishing you were drunker, downing your drink when neither one of them was looking before standing to your feet and throwing a coin for the bartender.

Jacob moved off first and you were to follow, but Eddie had locked an arm around your wrist, stopping you from walking off. “I’ll keep an ale ready when ya get back, I know for sure this ain’t gonna end well.”

“Stuff it.” You hissed, releasing yourself from him as you walked away to catch up with the Frye assassin.

The cold air met your face like a slap to the face, and you had recoiled back at the sudden lightheadedness that took all your common sense, watching Jacob in front of you.

You tried to force yourself to stay upright at all times, your eyes discarding themselves to look at the ground. Jacob was smart and sober to know that this was not the usual you.

“You drunk, Y/N?” He asked coyly with a tilt of his head, intrigued.

“No!” You snapped up to meet his eyes, those amused hazel eyes that stared you down with the intent that you didn’t know what he wanted. “I didn’t drink my ale!”

“Hmm, says have the content that’s down your front.” He hummed in entertainment, eyes filled with mirth. You looked down your front, surprised to see that you had missed the stained alcohol on your blazer and blouse.

You messily wiped at it with all intentions, averting your eyes once again whilst mumbling ‘ ‘Was Eddie, I swear’ under your breath.

You felt a hand under your chin pushing your face up to meet his eyes once more, eyes soften at the sight of you in front of him, easily so flustered by anything he did. This was enough to make Jacob swoon had he been drunk himself, but likely he was the one who wasn’t for once.

“What did you want to speak to me about, Jacob?” You murmured to his face, feeling a hand entwined around the back of your waist to hold you up, as you felt yourself brace with your hands holding onto the buttons of his coat.

Jacob’s breath fanned itself against your cheek, keeping you warm as you cuddled closer into his broad chest. “You’re simply adorable, Y/N.”

“What? Stop, no I’m not.” You blinked widely, shyly looking to him and next away, wishing that ale had been there for you now for you to take and run off down an alley.

“I mean it. After my sister interrupted us this morning, I was trying to speak out to you but couldn’t find you anywhere. You were simply running away from me, weren’t you?”

“N-No, that’s not it, I was just... I... your words surprised me, ‘s all.”

“Oh? Is that so?” Jacob asked with a low purr in his throat as his arms around you pulled you in closer. His face wandered closer towards your cheek, his breath dancing along your skin to send shivered before he got close to your ear.

“And what do you have to say about this?”

You shuddered, your words dry in your mouth before you had said courage to speak up in front of your crush. “I think-”

“Boss, you gonna join us in a drinking game?” A stumbling male rook and two others came out from the inside of the rowdy pub, flushed as the others around as they didn’t put two and two together that you were speaking and Jacob was busy.

“Another time, I’m quite busy.” Jacob waved a hand their way, as the three grumbled but agreed, stumbling back in with each other’s help as the sound of a broken glass shattered from inside.

“Wow, erm, I guess we don’t have the best timing, do we?” You nervously laughed, hoping that what you had about to say was forgotten by Jacob. “You bring bad luck like bad lightning, love. Maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to you.” He smirked down at you, winking.

“Jacob,” Your whispered his name like a prayer on your lips, “It’s getting late, we should be leaving-” You realised that his fingers had come to hold the side of your face once again, your hazy eyes landing on his ones filled with wanton and love.

“In a moment, I want to stay here, before someone else disturbs us.” He rolled his eyes, but the same expression was present when he looked at you.

With little needed to tell him that you reciprocated, he leant closer to your face, eyes eying your lips before he spoke one last time:

“Now, where were we?”

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deadcactuswalking · 6 years

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BABY, DON’T HURT ME: The Top 5 Best and Worst Hit Songs of 1994

1994 was the definition of a 6/10. I can’t sit through all 100 in one sitting, but it’s not like it was terrible, in fact, my worst list was hard as nails because a lot of the bad stuff was just not interesting enough to talk about. When I did my 2017 list, stuff like “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons was just so mind-bogglingly terrible in every way, hence I had a lot of material, but here, you can clearly tell how better I am at talking about music I like, because God damn, there are some all-time classics hidden in all this boring schlock and even the stuff that’s not fantastic has a lot of redeeming qualities and charm. Hence, the worst list is mostly composed of stuff I found to be utterly charmless – well, except the #1, but you’ll read on for that. First, however, before we even get into talking about where on earth the popular music scene was in 1994, here are the Honourable Mentions – songs that just couldn’t make the cut for a much shorter list than what I would usually make. I’m going to try and keep it brief, because there were a lot of songs I actually really enjoyed that didn’t really cut it when under the pressure of just a top five list.

Honourable Mentions

These are basically in order of where they were on the Year-End list, so don’t think the guys at the top weren’t ever going to make the list because some of them were pretty tough snips.

“The Sign”, “All That She Wants” and “Don’t Turn Around” – Ace of Base

If you ever wonder why people hate Magic! and UB40 so much, it’s because white-washed cod-reggae can be done so much better.

“Whatta Man” – Salt-n-Pepa and En Vogue

Not the best horn sample in this Year-End, but Goddamn, they get close.

“Wild Night” - John Mellencamp featuring Meshell Ndegeocello

I don’t know who either of these dudes are but they can make a nice song. On the other hand, how in the hell do you pronounce Meshell’s surname?

“The Most Beautiful Girl in the World” – The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

This dude still had it way after his heyday when he started calling himself “the Artist Formerly Known as Prince”. Rest in peace.

“Fantastic Voyage” – Coolio

This dude had a second hit – before “Gangsta’s Paradise”? That’s cool... not going to make the obvious pun.

“Any Time, Any Place” – Janet Jackson

This song is a full seven minutes of pure beauty, but the reason why it doesn’t make the list is because it’s seven minutes. We’ll get on to that later on in the list.

“Because the Night” – 10,000 Maniacs

Specifically the MTV Unplugged version. The other version is just not as effective.

“This DJ” – Warren G

Warren G is kind of overlooked now, but he was a hit-maker back then who could crank out some fantastic stuff back in this G-funk era.

“Cry for You” – Jodeci

Drake shouts this song out in “Controlla”, but he doesn’t exactly reference it in a clever way. He just says “I think I’d die for you” and then rhymes it with, no joke, “Jodeci, “Cry for You””, like, okay, Aubrey.

“Keep Ya Head Up” – 2Pac

This sample was done better by BlocBoy JB. Something about me just loves how they take the Five Stairsteps’ vocals and make them Kanye chipmunk-style, as BlocBoy mourns the losses of his friends from life in the streets, but since he’s still young, he is a “child” as the sample suggests, so it kind of seems condescending when they say “things are going to get easier”, and Bloc is trying to say that young people go through real hardships too. I don’t know, but this isn’t a BlocBoy JB review, and if I wanted to I could talk about that song in length, but I’ll just say this 2Pac song is damn good too.

“Who am I? (What’s My Name?)” – Snoop (Doggy) Dogg

I mean, I’d be able to tell you if you didn’t change it all the time.

“Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through” – Meat Loaf

The video for this is directed by Michael Bay of all people. That’s all I have to say.

“Mary Jane’s Last Dance” – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Okay, but Red Hot Chili Peppers kind of did this riff more justice.

“U.N.I.T.Y.” – Queen Latifah and “Here Comes the Hotstepper” – Ini Kamoze

These were the songs that made me want to extend these lists to ten songs, but on the other hand, my Dishonourable Mentions made me want to shorten these lists to no songs.

“I’ll Take You There” – General Public

Who?

“What is Love” – Haddaway

Now, THIS one hurts to cut. This is a bonafide classic.

“Bop Gun (One Nation)” – Ice Cube featuring George Clinton

The 11-minute version of this song is more tolerable than it sounds.

Now that’s it for the Honourable Mentions but what exactly was 1994 pop music like? Well, I can tell you one thing – G-funk and smooth R&B and hip-hop were in full effect by this time, and many people say the 90s took a while to start, well, this is the breakout year for the 1990s as a decade. All the tropes you expect from early and mid-1990s pop music are here, and they’re here to stay (excluding a lot of the grunge and rock, mostly because of nonsensical Hot 100 chart regulations from at the time). Enough rambling, let’s get onto the actual list. These are...

BABY, DON’T HURT ME: The Top 5 Best and Worst Hit Songs of 1994

#5 Worst

So, if you think Scum Gang scumbags becoming popstars is a new thing, you obviously haven’t been following the absolute trainwreck that is R. Kelly. He was all over this year, whether it be him riding solo or providing vocals, songwriting and production for other R&B acts like Aaliyah and new (at the time) duo Changing Faces, who had both of their first two singles written and produced by R. Kells himself. I was on the fence about this particular track until I saw the Wikipedia article.

“It features uncredited vocals from R. Kelly.”

Alrighty then!

#5 – “Stroke You Up” – Changing Faces featuring R. Kelly

The immediate second this song starts I shrivel up and want to die. That piercingly high first note in the loop aggravates me because it’s just an instant onslaught of a screech. Oh, and that cowbell-like noise that appears in a lot of ‘90s R&B? I hate it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love 1990s R&B but man, it has to be done well to be anything more than a bit of a slog to get through, mostly because pretty much every song in that niche has these set of tropes, and I’m not going to lie, I probably could not sit through a whole album by anyone in that scene who isn’t Usher. Like, you’ve got to have some charisma to make your songs interesting – and that’s true with any decade and any genre – so when you’ve got only serviceable singers and a creepy-as-all-hell backing vocalist, you don’t exactly do wonders to the blocky production.

Don’t even get me started on that hook.

Do you mind if I stroke you up (I don’t mind)

Oh, of course, you don’t freaking mind, you’d get a stroke from anyone as long as they’re female. I don’t think you guys exactly needed confirmation... although actually maybe consent is the best foot forward in R. Kelly’s case... wait, why does R. Kelly need to consent to anything except jail time? He’s a piece of sexist human trash and this woman needs to ASK to just stroke him, oblivious to the fact that he can just hop straight into the girls in his sex cult?

All through the night

You know, you’re supposed to get like eight hours, so are you just going to stroke him for nearly half a day? Because knowing R. Kelly, I’d think he’d want a bit more.

Until your body’s tired

How is he going to be tired? You’re the one actually making some sort of motion, albeit it just be stroking... for eight bloody hours.

Oh, and R. Kelly can stop moaning in the intro and outro. We never need that, okay, we just never need R. Kelly moaning anywhere, anytime, please reissue this song without it. In fact, Spotify, I think I’m going to report abuse for the moaning alone. Nobody needs to sit through this tire fire of a track.

#5 Best

Talking about arrogant, forceful jerks, here’s a song about them.

I know what I want and I want it now / I want you, ‘cause I’m Mr. Vain

Uh... maybe I shouldn’t have met the R. Kelly comparisons. Yikes.

#5 – “Mr. Vain” – Culture Beat

That synth hook is iconic... well, at least for me. I’m into a hefty load of Eurodance and 90s house, in fact a lot of 90s electronica tickles my fancy in more ways than one, so I listened to this a lot before I even considered doing reviews as my hobby – in fact, all of my best list is like this, pretty much, and apologies for the nostalgia goggles but we need them because we’re going deep into Music Heaven’s seas and we ain’t got submarines.

That synth hook is only beaten by “Better Off Alone” in terms of 90s classic dance hooks, but that’s not the only thing about the song that’s amazing, no, before we dive into the vocals and lyrics, how about we just appreciate the rapid-fire guitar strumming replicating the hook and the freaking strings solo before the final chorus? Seriously, there’s a lot of attention to detail in what seems to be a simple Eurodance track and I appreciate that.

Also, this song is a narrative. Let’s explore that, shall we?

Call him Mr. Raider

What?

I guess it kind of makes sense in the context of “This dude only wants to get one-night stands with girls he considers to be of his stupidly high standard” (if you squint) but “Raider”? You couldn’t think of another word there to describe him? It didn’t even need to rhyme, it’s not part of the scheme.

Call him insane

Yeah, okay, so this song is about a guy who’s so irresistibly charming that all the ladies flock yet he only wants one night with them and will immediately stop caring once they’ve had sex... Is this song about Lil Yachty?

I know you want this for life / Taking pictures with all my ice / But I can’t have no... wife / I just want you for the night – Lil Yachty, “1Night”

Okay, obviously, I’m kidding – Lil Yachty didn’t even exist when this song was written – but I’m not joking when I say Tania Evans and rapper Jay Supreme do a pretty good job at representing different sides of this story. Sure, Supreme’s flow may be a bit stilted, and Evans’ (fantastic) vocals might be wasted on way too repetitive lyrics, but it’s Eurodance, cut it some slack.

Call me Raider

No, I won’t call you “Raider”. We already went through this, Jay.

In all seriousness, though, I just love how much Jay perfectly overplays the fact that he’s just an uptight douchebag.

Call me what you like / As long as you call me, time and again / Feel the presence of the aura / Of the man, none to compare

“Feel the presence of the aura”? Who the hell are you, Lucario?

Overall, despite some flaws in its writing, this track is still a dance classic, mostly for how well and intricately it’s produced. Really a fantastic demonstration of how genres like Eurodance can be top-tier stuff as well.

#4 Worst

You know, when I think “forever”, because of music I’ve listened to in the past, I don’t imagine the ungodly length of time that is. What does forever even entail? Is it an individual’s lifetime or just the span of life on Earth in general? Either way, I like my “forever” songs immediate, driving, punchy and to the point. Like Donna Lewis’ earworm hook on “I Love You Always Forever”, the hunger that Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne and Eminem show on the bloodthirsty posse cut “Forever”, the good stuff is what takes the concept of “forever” and makes it NOW. Now, what happens if you take the concept of “forever” and play it incredibly straight... that phrase being a synonym of “making it as boring and plain as a sponge cake with no icing”.

#4 – “Now and Forever” – Richard Marx

Now, music isn’t my only interest, far from it, one of those interests being video games, and more often than not game-wise, you could catch me playing a Nintendo game, so when I saw Marx, before Groucho even crossed my mind, my first thought was the character from Kirby, and maybe that’s not exactly the best first impression of a singer I’ve ever had.

You know what? That would have been much more interesting, because this is pretty non-descript, to the point of it being infuriatingly “nothing”. This guy’s voice, however much force he wants to put onto it, is just serviceable at best and pretty okay throughout, while a white-bread acoustic guitar is being strummed mindlessly in front of a solid orchestral instrumental, which would be pretty nice if it wasn’t so pushed back in the mix to focus on Marx’s promises of being someone’s man “now and forever” – yeah, okay, well, at least try and sound like you care. Put some effort into saying you’ll love someone always, like Bon Jovi’s “Always” the same year, which pulled off the simple power ballad much more effectively by simply seeming like people put effort into it. I can imagine that the band wrote their song about a real-life woman, but Marx here might as well be singing to a cactus. Next.

#4 Best

Now, you may be wondering why a song recorded and released in 1975 about an event from 1963, that eventually hit #1 on the Hot 100 in 1976, is on a list about music from 1994, and it’s all because of a remix – not the first one, mind you – that landed it back onto the charts in 1993 and 1994, “peaking” at #13. Thanks, Ben Liebrand, but your remix is irrelevant because the version I’m counting is the original.

#4 – “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night!)” – Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

So this was Valli and his band’s biggest hit in their extensive discography and very lengthy career, mostly due to being pretty much the opposite of what they always did. Sometimes shaking up the formula is actually ideal in pop music, as Valli saw when he relegated himself to backing vocals, letting the leads be handled by the drummer, Gerry Polci, and the bassist, Don Ciccone. Usually, this might have been a risky misstep, since the singer is chosen as the frontman due to the fact that they would naturally have more vocal talent, yet despite Valli being quite literally the name of the band, there’s no real frontman, as everyone sang and everyone appeared in the videos... and that’s impressive, considering how much of an ordeal that is, with how many members there are and were, and how members constantly go in and out while Valli’s still standing. The fact that the band never felt like Valli was in power is honestly one of the reasons why this song works so well.

This song sounds so joyful and happy, and you couldn’t replicate that with one man playing all the parts, because of a tried and true phrase.

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do – Harry Nilsson, “One”

If this was all one guy and it was just all the parts mixed together, I doubt it would feel anywhere near as gleeful and carefree as it does as a group record. It starts with a tight disco groove, and then you’ve got that classic piano melody, before Polci starts singing and he’s not a Phil Collins by any means, but he does the job damn well for a drummer, and that just adds to how fun it feels. Everyone did their best and contributed to a happy, sunshiny song that holds up to this day – and by everyone, I mean everyone, it definitely sounds like all seven or so of these guys, including even the keyboardists and the guys on the horns, had a blast recording this. I can imagine them just loving it in the studio. Oh, what a night, indeed.

#3 Worst

Oh, yeah, fun fact: Did you know that last song was originally going to be celebrating the repeal of prohibition, and Frankie Valli wanted it to be changed to a song about an affair? Yeah, and it’s not necessarily a subtle song about an affair either.

Spinning my head around and taking my body under – Don Ciccone, “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night!)”

You know, I guess it’s somewhat poetic and at least it depicts the subject in a way that doesn’t feel cliché and cheesy. On the other hand...

#3 – “Said I Loved You...But I Lied” – Michael Bolton

What a terrible thing to say right to your significant other’s face, Michael Bolton. Why would you manipulate someone like that, man? Is this some sort of nasty plot to get sex without any consequence?

Said I loved you but I lied / ‘Cause this is more than love I feel inside / Said I loved you but I was wrong / ‘Cause love could never ever feel so strong

Oh... well, then. That is the dumbest bait-and-switch I’ve ever fell for. Well, this sickeningly sweet song is something else to add to my list of reasons to punch Michael Bolton in his corny face. Wait a second, he’s in his 60s now? Huh, maybe I should scrap that list entirely.

You know, Michael Bolton used to make metal and hard rock back in the 70s, and I won’t exactly say his work under that style was all that good, at least it wasn’t as vomit-inducing as his middle of the road, soft rock ballads, including this one, which hides its snoozeworthy self under a guise of a clickbaiting title... which I imagine isn’t even the reason this song became popular, no, it’s because of radio play, specifically adult contemporary stations – why would you put the effort into clickbaiting adult contemporary listeners when in the end, a song about tricking a woman for sex and/or a mediocre romance could have been written better than this generic schlock, and would have probably garnered even more attention, especially from the good-guy Michael Bolton?

I suppose none of this matters when the music’s good, right? Well, it’s not. It’s borderline tropical semi-tribal pop music, actually, it’s kind of interesting. The intro feels like it would fit right into Legends of the Hidden Temple and I don’t think that’s entirely a compliment. Michael sounds out of breath all the time, and nothing else in this song is worthy of even a footnote. I’m so glad we get immediately to the good stuff after trash like this.

#3 Best

Alright, now we’re getting into the hip-hop stuff that I loved this year, and, yeah, there was a lot of it but only a few of these songs really left enough of an impact on me to put them on the list. Remember when I said Warren G was overlooked? Well, I don’t think anyone forgets this G-funk classic.

#3 – “Regulate” – Warren G featuring Nate Dogg

God, no movie soundtrack tie-in deserves to be this smooth and this catchy. This song is immediately recognisable from that Dr. Dre-like synth hook and tight rhythm sampled from “I Keep Forgettin’ (Every Time You’re Near)”, a soul song from singer-songwriter Michael McDonald, which was a success of its own back in 1982, peaking in the top five. Sadly, it’s nowhere near as good as the song it eventually birthed 12 years later.

This song is basically one extremely lengthy verse of Warren G and the late Nate Dogg trading bars and telling a story of both rappers being involved in some ghetto violence, with funky instrumental breaks separating topics and flows.

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon

Warren’s looking to pick up some “skirts”, as they say, but for the most part, he’s just cruising. Meanwhile, Nate just arrived in Long Beach and is on a mission to find Warren – for whatever reason – before women start distracting him, because, of course, they do, it’s hip-hop. Warren notices a gang shooting dice, so he decides to politely join the activity and engage in some of the fun, and then they pull out their guns and try and kill him. However, Nate Dogg doesn’t have time for women.

Since these girls peepin’ me, I’mma glide and swerve / These hookers lookin’ so hard, they straight hit the curb / Onto bigger, better things than some horny tricks / I see my homie and some suckers all in his mix

He was on a mission to find “Mr. Warren G”, and he has discovered the holy grail, however there is one obstacle – the gang that is attacking Warren. He screams out for help from Nate, he’s completely hopeless, in fact, it’s surprisingly vulnerable for a gangsta rap track.

I’m gettin’ jacked, I’m breakin’ myself / I can’t believe they’re taking Warren’s wealth / They took my rings, they took my Rolex / I looked at the brother, said, “Damn, what’s next?”

He’s expecting even worse assault from these guys, but he doesn’t know what’s next because nothing can be this awful, right? He doesn’t believe this was even possible for him to be in this situation. But then, Nate Dogg, shades on, goes all action hero on them right after Warren G starts to accept his fate.

They got guns to my head, I think I’m goin’ down

But then, Nate shoots all his problems away.

Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold

I said Nate had no time for women, but that’s incredibly untrue, because right after he shoots multiple men to death, he’s picking up women on the streets, and, to be honest, yeah, I’d get in his car. Like Ty Dolla $ign, who I feel Nate was a massive influence on, he knew how to be seductive and smooth in his delivery, even if what he was singing wasn’t particularly sexy.

She said, “My car’s broke down and you seem real nice, would you let me ride?” / I got a car full of girls and it’s going real swell / The next stop is the Eastside Motel

For the final section, Nate and Warren just lay down some of the ideology of the G-funk philosophy... okay, then!

It’s the G-funk era, funked out with a gangsta twist

You know, it’s actually pretty impressive how throughout this violent yet sensual story of murder, assault and illegal criminal activity, as well as mentioning smoking and complementing women for their physical appearance, there’s actually minimal profanity. Warren G’s really for the kids, huh?

This whole story would be pointless, however, if it wasn’t for how well it was all sung, and I say sung instead of rapped because, yeah, it’s pretty much an R&B song with the melodic flows both take on, and I’m not saying Warren is anywhere near to the level of Nate’s singing ability, but you can tell effort was put in on both sides for them to complement each other well, and with Warren’s vulnerable and uncertain portrayal, a more unsure and confused personality and scattered flow really assist in painting the story, especially in stark contrast to Nate’s deep, smooth tone that makes all this sound effortless. Overall, yeah, this song is irresistibly catchy without anything even resembling a chorus, mostly due to the infectious beat and fun flows from everyone involved. Undoubtedly one of the classics in hip-hop. Rest in peace, Nate Dogg.

#2 Worst

“Whoomp! (There it Is)” by the Tag Team is an energetic and fun banger, with a catchy, sing-a-long chorus and a repetitive but effective rhythm. It’s an okay song, so making a song nearly identical right down to the “whoo” sounds isn’t going to result in anything awful... right? Right?

#2 – “Tootsee Roll” – 69 Boyz

Really, guys? 69 Boyz? You’ve got to know the innuendos involved there, and even if you did know and that was the origin, or even if they had another moronic excuse like they were all born in 1969, or there were 69 of them (which is a blatant lie), you’ve got to admit how cringeworthy and childish of a name that is... I’m not entirely sure if that’s to be expected of Miami bass, but considering its alternate names are “booty music” and “booty bass”, I should probably keep that in mind when digging deeper into the genre, but in the meanwhile, I cannot imagine any woman shaking their booty to this stiff, almost metallic beat, with some stock whistle sound effects and a constant onslaught of cheering gang vocals looped for the whole damn song to the extent of it being absolutely unbearable.

The Butterfly? Uh-huh, that’s old

What’s the Butterfly? Genius states, “The Butterfly was a dance move that caused the performer to look like a butterfly.” Thanks for that detailed explanation, now, what on earth is a “Tootsee Roll”?

From what I can gather, it’s just the opposite of the “Butterfly”, which is played out, while the “Tootsee Roll” is a dance you could still see in clubs at the time and is timeless? I mean, I doubt it, because rolling in a club is extremely dangerous and probably will lead to various deaths.

Keep rollin’ that derriere

...Is it like, twerking?

If so, that’s actually a decent comparison. Tootsie Rolls are softer taffy sweets that do not melt and are one of the first candies to be individually wrapped in America. Butts are not as soft as a Tootsie Roll (from my experience of seeing a few pictures of the candies) but they don’t have as much bone, you can slap them like jelly but they don’t melt (unless you have a severe medical problem), and typically, butts are wrapped in clothing, which could be different for each individual with a butt. That’s a pretty clever metaphor... too bad that 1.) your song’s an unlistenable, mind-numbingly repetitive loop with little to no changes to the instrumentation throughout, 2.) Tootsie Rolls also come in long sticks known as logs... is this a gay-pride anthem, then, or am I looking way too deep into this nonsensical piece of trash? Probably the latter.

#2 Best

Now, I wish I could talk about this next guy much more than I end up doing, but he’s way past his heyday, in fact, he’s a one-hit wonder despite having an extensive career that lasts more than four decades. This was his only song to ever hit the top 40, but does that matter at all when he’s had such a long-lasting career simply because of this one song? This track put him on the pop music map and stopped this weirdo from being a completely unknown figure in the music sphere, which he probably would have ended up being if not for this breakout single. You could say this song is riding the wave of both alt-rock and hip-hop being insanely popular at the time, but knowing my boy, I can safely say this was not a sell-out moment. This is one of the strangest, most diversely-talented musicians doing what he does best: wacky self-deprecation.

My teacher said I’m a loser, I told her, ”Why don’t you kill me?” – Kanye West, “Get ‘em High”

#2 – “Loser” – Beck

In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey

Sorry, repeat that?

In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey / Butane in my veins so I’m out to cut the junkie

This song is the second on the best list to use the technique of sampling, modifying a portion of another work in order to use it in a new creation. This particular track samples a relatively manic drum beat from “I Walk on Gilded Splinters”, a Dr. John cover by blues guitarist Johnny Jenkins, and this sample does more than just adding a tight drum pattern to the song, as it adds to the interpretation that it was a parody of what was perceived as late-80s “slacker culture”, since sampling was a bit infamous in the early 90s. Just as recent as 1991, sampling had caused a headlining court case in which Gilbert O’Sullivan forced Biz Markie to not only pull all of the offending records off of stores, but also accept his career being ruined from the money he lost and the fact that the old white man was victorious over a predominantly black hip-hop culture, showing not only another case of the transformative use of work being unfairly refused, but also the racism that is still prevalent in court judges, the music industry and society today, as proved by Meek Mill’s recent case of being wrongly imprisoned. Yeah, it was an important lesson to learn in terms of the consequences of sampling, but it leaves a bad taste in peoples’ mouths, especially for Beck, who appreciates the art of sampling, despite it being seemed as lazy by many others in the biz, including Damon Albarn of Blur and Gorillaz, who has recently presented his anti-sampling thoughts (despite many, many cases of sampling other works himself). In fact, I believe Beck actually brings this up in the second verse.

The forces of evil in a bozo nightmare / Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber

Hence, throughout this sarcastic verbal beatdown Beck gives himself in the verses, he sounds bored, tired and exhausted, relying on the charm in his voice and the simple, sampled beat to carry him along. In fact, the lyrics seem to be Beck just spitballing, as well, as it’s mostly complete word salad, but it definitely has a consistent vibe of uselessness and being pathetic.

With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables / Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose

Overall, though, it just seems like it’s an incredibly ironic, borderline nonsensical and witty suicide note at points – there’s always discussion of death and guns and pretty grim imagery.

I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me? (double-barrel buckshot)

He hung himself with a guitar string

Someone keeps sayin’ I’m insane to complain / About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt

The whole song is a slog in the best way because of its repetitive chorus, unconventional sampling and... interesting ad-libs.

(Get crazy with the Cheese Wiz)

It’s nothing like a parody of slacker culture, at all, actually, it reads more like a man on the edge of absolute insanity, and we get to explore his mind, which is all-over-the-place with some brief observations and commentary on the industry and early 90s society, while he occasionally contemplates ending it all.

And my time is a piece of wax falling on a termite / That’s chokin’ on the splinters

This is a strange, confusing song, but Beck’s a strange and confusing artist, and I love him for it, especially when he subtly adds some meaning in the lyrics, such as songs like this... and it’s not even in his top 10 best songs.

#1 Worst

Okay, so, flash back to even before the Honourable Mentions where I said this.

“Hence, the worst list is mostly composed of stuff I found to be utterly charmless – well, except the #1, but you’ll read on for that.”

Yeah, and when I said that, I wasn’t lying – this next song has a lot of charm, hell, it has a lot in common with my choice of fifth best hit song, “Mr. Vain”. Both are quirky little Eurodance songs, but this one does not understand how to embrace how awful it is, while “Mr. Vain” did that perfectly. This song is charming yet also insufferably incompetent.

#1 – “Another Night” – Real McCoy featuring Karin Kasar

Yep, that’s their name – Real McCoy. I don’t understand how a Eurodance act would be this desperate to prove themselves as “real”. Now, I’m pretty sure this terribly-named act is a band, actually, two or three members, one of which being the “rapper” on this track, O-Jay, but we’ll get to him. First, let’s focus on the instrumental, which is pretty well-made actually, albeit pretty typical of the time – it even has a pretty forced reggae influence in the steel pans obviously profiting off of Ace of Base. We have some nice piano chords, a jackhammer beat, an annoying synth that goes from the right to left channel constantly – which would be cool, if it didn’t go on for the whole song and you know, sounded any good.

That’s not what makes this song so horrible, honestly, it’s the vocals. First we have a vocal sample that comes in occasionally but trust me, when it comes in, it does not stop hammering at your brain. It is a really lazy yell, like a man who’s in a deep ditch, hence it echoes, but he can’t talk properly, or like at all, so he just makes a sound that resembles chopped-and-screwed Mario jumping sounds compiled together with some reverb and pitch-shifting... but that’s technically still the instrumental, the vocals on top can’t possibly be as bad, right? Well, I guess the singer, Karin Kasar isn’t bad, even if the lyrics combined with her light-as-a-feather performance are as putrid and sickeningly sweet as you can get, at least Tania Evans had some “oomph” in her voice.

Contrasting Karin Kasar is O-Jay, the “rapper”, who provides some deep, stilted, multi-tracked verses – see the dynamic here? Exactly the same as “Mr. Vain”, except that song prevailed by being joyful despite its obviously less optimistic subject matter that made it feel self-aware, while this plays it straight... but somehow makes it feel less sweet and more terrifying. This O-Jay guy took it too damn fair, he sounds creepy and the lyrics he’s provided with don’t exactly help either.

You feel joy, you feel pain, ‘cause nothing will be the same

Uh, can you stop, please, like, right now? It’s disturbing when this man’s deep voice, not shrouded in the mix, is perfectly clear and you hear every word he’s saying in this intimate yet skin-crawling tone. It’s not pleasant and really doesn’t help build the mood, in fact, I’m pretty sure it takes the mood of the song and bites it in half.

Hey, sister, let me cover your body with my love

Hold up – sister? Look, I know that’s something people call important or friendly females in their lives and in any other case, this line would be fine, but, Jesus, O-Jay, could you maybe say it with some kind of corny flair because your delivery itself implies so much more than what’s being said. Oh, and it doesn’t help when in his final verse, we have an eerily distorted sub-bass with a manic synth playing during it.

I am your lover, your brother

You’re not helping! All this track is is a sloppy remake of “Mr. Vain” which falls flat on its face with everything that Culture Beat’s track succeeded in.

Another night, another dream, but a-always you / It’s like a vision of love that seems to be true

Isn’t that a Mariah Carey song released in 1990?

I had a vision of love / And it was all that you’ve given to me – Mariah Carey, “Vision of Love”

So, not only do you ride the coattails of the Eurodance movement that became prominent in the US because of Haddway and his top 20 song, completely rip off Culture Beat’s top 20 hit (and #1 in the UK!) “Mr. Vain”, shoddily enforce some reggae pop because Ace of Base had three massive songs, all of which ended up being in the Year-End top 10 of this year, but you reference the name of one of Mariah Carey’s biggest #1 hits, just in case you weren’t enough of a clumsy amalgamation of everything early 90s in America and Europe. Nice one, you lazy, pathetic, untalented hacks.

#1 Best

Let’s take a little trip back to the Honourable Mentions, where I said that Janet Jackson’s “Any Time, Any Place” would not make the list due to its length, and that’s mainly because this is a list of hit songs, and honestly, if your song’s not short and sweet, does it really “hit” you as much?

A pop song doesn’t need to be conventional and can stray far from the formula, and I appreciate that when it happens to be that a 1994 hit does not follow the rules of its niche, see “Loser”. However, when you make a song, no matter how good it is, very long and not particularly that far away from what is expected, it loses the punch I want to see in good pop music. That’s why I hate “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran so much – it lacks what I want from any good pop song, a real hook that reels you in, not because it’s catchy and not because it’s unique, hell, I’m not talking about the musical hook here, just a moment in a song that forces you to pay attention and even if you don’t like it, you will understand why it’s so popular because it demands you to be attracted to it. I don’t like “Blah Blah Blah” by Kesha featuring 3OH!3. Listen, I like both of these artists fine, but I’m not a fan of the song for many reasons, however there is a true hook that grabs me in, and it’s not the chorus, it’s Kesha’s voice, which is childish and bratty, but it just commands your attention because of how obnoxious it is. “Any Time, Any Place” doesn’t exactly have that hook, hence no matter how much I liked the song, I just couldn’t write about it in mass. It’s not as interesting as it could have been.

Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, we have something special down here at Birdland this evening – a recording for Blue Note Records.

This song has so many of them.

#1 – “Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)” – Us3

Oh, my God, this song has so many of those hooks. First of all, how all of it is so blatantly sampled. I think the additional trumpet solo is the only original addition and composition other than the vocals and knowing classic hip-hop, that solo is probably sourced or interpolated from somewhere – hell, the pure amount of samples of Blue Note’s catalogue on this song and Us3’s album lead to them grabbing a record deal with them. Now that’s how corporate bigwigs should be treating artists who sample. The first sample is immediately obvious to you – it’s a vocal sample at the beginning of the track spoken by Pee Wee Marquette from Art Blakey’s A Night at Birdland Vol. 1 album. After this brief spoken word section, we get into the beat which kicks in almost instantly afterwards for a real punch, and I’ve listened to the original track, Herbie Hancock’s “Cantaloupe Island”, and can confirm it’s just pretty much a sped-up version of the first 16 bars with a lot of subtle changes, but that’s not a bad thing, as the drum beat is fun enough to dance to, as what was probably in mind, the recurring additional vocal samples crowding up the track (acting as kind of a chorus) from both Marquette and Lou Donaldson (specifically “Everything I Do Gonna Be Funky (From Now On)”), as well as the occasional lively ad-lib from the rapper here, Rahsaan Kelly, shortened to Rahsaan, who scats a nice little “itty-bitty-bop” throughout. The final instrumental break before the track ends is heavenly, with Gerard Presencer’s fantastic and frankly pretty insane trumpet solo just going on and on. It’s crazy how good it is as well, the playing is intricate and fits the beat perfectly, mostly because of how wacky it is, until it just fades out like it’s nothing.

Speaking of wackiness, I think that’s the main appeal here, because it sounds like a jazz rap song straight out of a cartoon, fittingly for its title containing the name of the Disney movie Fantasia, but it’s all so smooth in its execution despite being littered and cluttered with samples all over the place. It’s beautiful in all its layered madness, and taking any of the layers off would be a disservice, and yes, that’s including Rahsaan.

Brace yourself as the beat hits you / Dip, trip, flip Fantasia

He may not be the best MC, but he has a slick, impressively stable and at times surprisingly quick flow for the time, and with his alliterative lyricism that often include a lot of fun, colourful words, he fits right into this Roger Rabbit of a jazz song.

Groovy, groovy, jazzy, funky / Pounce, bounce, dance as we dip in the melodic sea

He even has some pretty cool lines about actually taking a trip to the neon land presented in Fantasia...

Caught in the groove in Fantasia, I’m found

...and damn, if I don’t feel like I’m there. This song is just so fun to listen to, honestly, because of the pure joy you can feel from every sample, every trumpet riff, every line Rahsaan spits. I thought “Loser” by Beck was going to be my #1 going into this Year-End blind but as soon as I noticed this song was on it, the chance dropped from 100% to less than 3%, because even though I love both songs to death, “Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)” is such an overlooked classic that I can’t help but love and want to talk about. Everyone’s heard “Loser” but this is not something people really look back on today for all I know. I first heard this song on Vintage TV, actually, a British television network that shows old music videos, and it was a 90s and 80s funk block they had on when this song was broadcast, and when it came on, I had an instant grin on my face and I’m so glad it came up on this Year-End otherwise I would have likely to never have talked about it, and I couldn’t have done that. This song is way too good for me to pass on.

Feel the vibe from here to Asia / Dip, trip, flip Fantasia (out!)

As I said, it’s not conventional for a mostly instrumental song by a British acid jazz band to hit the American top 40, but to stay in the Hot 100 top 10 for three weeks is crazy, and just shows that although the general public and I may disagree at times, the power of national appreciation can do pretty great things for humanity. Thank you for reading, guys, and thank you to Us3, Rahsaan and Gerard Presencer, for making the best hit song of 1994, and one of my favourite songs of all time. See ya!

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