#just thinking about how life and school are proceeding to collectively skull fuck me

[mlb-shit-post]

block by block pt 2 [1] [3]

“I think you should throw the challenge,” Alya said as she threw some popcorn into her mouth. “Do you hear his voice? He sounds hot.” Mari rolled her eyes.

 “Ladybug,” she said, lowering her voice to sound like Chat’s, “I am a hot dude from another school who really wants to take you out. Lose to me so we can finally have an excuse to meet each other in real life.”

Mari rolled her eyes again, this time sending them so far back into her skull she could’ve sworn she witnessed the creation of the universe.

“AND he already likes you, so you have nothing to worry about.”

Marinette sighed. “Alya, I am not throwing this challenge. You know how competitive I get. Besides, whoever Chat Noir is doesn’t know me. He likes my online persona, that’s all.”

“Okay, well maybe don’t throw it. He just wants to get to know you, Mari. That’s all! Just admit that it wouldn’t be the worst thing if you lost.” Alya set the popcorn bowl down beside her.

“Alya, he could be some fifty year old man with a thing for teenage girls for all we know! There’s no way I’m going on any dates because of this.”

Alya sighed. Her boyfriend Nino happened to know Chat Noir and he was not an old man. Nevertheless, there was no getting through to her friend once she had her mind made up.

An hour earlier, after Ladybug’s response video accepting the challenge came out, Marinette received an email from Chat setting up the date and time of the fight.

My Lady,

I am so honored that a woman as beautiful as yourself has decided to accept the challenge that will ultimately result in you falling madly in love with me;) tomorrow morning around 1130 I would be honored to live stream this for the world to see and hold us to our promises! My username is @chatthecatnoir. I can’t wait to find out who’s underneath YOUR username;) if she’s anything like she sounds, then she’s the most beautiful woman in the world! I’m thinking we see a movie, take a walk through the park, and finish off the night with a stop along the seine to watch the sunset;););) can’t wait buggaboo!

Chat Noir

He had then proceeded to follow all of Mari’s Ladybug accounts and even the fan accounts run by Alya. This included that unfortunate Flickr account Marinette had set up on accident. Until Chat had followed she had forgotten all about it. Marinette was stressed out of her mind. She had less than twelve hours to binge watch all of Chat’s videos to figure out his weakness. It was gonna be a long night.

The next morning came all too soon. Watching Chat’s videos had little to no desired affect on Marinette’s performance. In fact, she felt that by watching his account she had only contributed to the problem she was currently in by supporting the crazy person behind Chat Noir’s furry persona.

Either way, Mari got up around 10 and got some breakfast. She rolled out her yoga mat and sat down. It was time for her pregame stretches. The stretches were a sight to behold. It was a cross between the US Navy’s ridiculous PRT warm-up exercises and the cult favorite “Prancercise.” Although not very pretty, it got the job done.

Mari sat down at her desk and cracked all of her fingers. It was game time. She repositioned the sweat bands on her wrists and forehead before popping open her laptop. Marinette made it all the way to the livestream website and began to set up her half of the stream. Chat had already begun, so Marinette just clicked on his name and joined in.

The screen went dark. Although no games were displayed yet, the audio transmitted back and forth.

“LADYBUG YOU CAME!”

Mari jumped. What was this kid on anyways?

“Yeah you got me here I guess. Want to start this thing a little early?”

“Oh you know it buggaboo!” Mari rolled her eyes and signed onto Minecraft.

“We’re going live in three, two, one.” There was a pause. “Good Morning Minecrafters! Welcome to the livestream! Today I have the honor of having the lovely Ladybug here with me! She’s here to challenge me to a survival match!” “Hi everyone!” She greeted all of the fans that had begun to appear on the livestream.

“So right now we are about to begin! When I make the new world, as soon as Ladybug appears on the server we will begin! Remember, the rules say that we will only have 7 days and 7 nights to get ready for the big showdown! Whoever wins the big brawl dictates the prize! If I win, I get to go on a date with my lady, and if she wins, I will sign off every video by yelling ‘LADYBUG I LOVE YOU!’ In case of a draw, both prizes will be claimed. May the best Crafter win!”

Chat Noir opened the world up and paused it after it loaded. He added Ladybug to the mix and the split screen appeared.

“Three, two, one, go!”

Mari’s fingers flew over her controls. She needed to put a little bit of distance between herself and Chat. She was gonna suck down as many resources as she possibly could in the next couple days, so she was gonna need all the space she could get.

Marinette started by collecting dirt and punching trees for wood. With only 7 days in the game, she would need to work quickly. Her goals for the first day included finding/making shelter, collecting enough wood to make a crafting table and bin, and also finding iron and coal.

Her and Chat bantered back and forth as they played, concentration showing on both of their faces. Mari worked diligently to secure her gear, creating iron armor for herself and making multiple swords. She collected lots of food as well, and she went out at night to try and cop some old enchanted weapons off some of the zombies and skeletons that roamed. Mari was taking it very seriously. Across town, Chat Noir’s strategy took a slightly lighter tone. He would use his position to prod and poke at Ladybug, even taking 15 minutes to create a massive sign in the air that declared his love for her. It only solicited an acknowledgement response and a comment about how hard Ladybug was rolling her eyes. It didn’t deter Chat. He still felt convinced that Ladybug was going to be his lady.

At the end of the 7 days and 7 nights, Ladybug and Chat Noir both made it back to the spawn point. They met in the middle and took twelve block paces backwards until they were separated equally.

“Ready, My Lady?” Char asked.

“Ready to destroy you, kitty.”

Chat smiled to himself. There was no way he was letting his lady get away.

“3. 2. 1. CHARGE!!!!!” He exclaimed, running his character at Ladybug’s. She yelled into her own microphone and the two youtubers clashed in the middle. With a flurry of swings, hits, and misses, the duo fought to the death. The battle raged on and on. Mari was glad she wore her sweatbands because she was sweating so much she could barely see.

Unfortunately, both parties were pretty terrible at defense. After a lengthy fight, Chat and Ladybug lined up to deliver a final, killing blow.

“FINISH HIM!” Ladybug screamed. No way she was about to lose to some mangy furry.

CrASh!

At the same time, the words “you died” appeared on the screen, with prompts to re-spawn.

“Goddamnit,” Mari cured under her breath.

“Well, well, well, my lady. You made it farther than most, but it looks like we’ll be spending some time together very shortly.”

“In your dreams, Chat.” Fucking Minecraft stans were literally the worst. At least Mari was a cool Minecraft stan.

“Hey, a deals a deal Purrincess. I didn’t make the rules!” He paused and turned back to his mic to finish off the livestream. “Thank you all for joining us! This was by far my most exciting episode yet! Ladybug has earned the Chat Noir seal of approval for sure! A formidable opponent.”

“Thank you for having me, kitty!” Mari died a little inside. There was no way she wanted to go on a date with whoever Chat was.

“I’ll have my people contact your people, and we’ll see about that date my lady. In the meantime, have a great day guys! Don’t forget to subscribe to our channels. I LOVE YOU LADYBUG!” And with that, the livestream ended as quickly as it had began.

[thefilmsnob]

Glen Coco’s Top 10 Films of 2017

Unlike last year, 2017 was a stand-out for the film industry. There wasn’t an abundance of undisputed masterpieces per se, but there were still more than enough excellent motion pictures that deserve recognition. As always, it killed me having  to omit so many great films, but that’s just life I guess. You got your ups and you got your downs. Anyway, here are my picks for the ten greatest films of 2017. But first, I’ll list the runners-up and the traditional bonus track. There’s always a bonus track.

Runners-Up

-Blade Runner 2049 ***

-Get Out

-Kong: Skull Island

-Last Flag Flying

-Molly’s Game

-Phantom Thread

-T2: Trainspotting

-Thor: Ragnarok

***Blade Runner 2049 probably would make this list in another life. The thing is, when I saw it, I was very tired and frustrated and I found it hard to focus. Because of this, I missed some important plot details, so the whole time my brain was trying to catch up with the narrative. It never did and I was lost. This is a gorgeous-looking film with excellent performances, direction, cinematography, visual effects and production design. But, I can not, in good conscience, include it without a second viewing. I’m a fucking nerd.

And here are the top 10!

#10b. (Bonus Track) The Lost City of Z

Director: James Gray

Starring: Charlie Hunnam, Robert Pattinson, Sienna Miller, Tom Holland

For a movie with a dashing lead who takes multiple expeditions into the Amazon rainforest to find a fabled lost city while facing perilous conditions from treacherous landscapes to hostile natives, The Lost City of Z  has been seen by a total of zero people. That’s a shame. This is a movie that reminds us of pulp magazines and classic exploration films of old, promising mystery, intrigue and adventure. The film takes place over several years in the early 1900s and follows Percy Fawcett whose interest in a lost city turns into an obsession and whose multiple trips to find what may not exist threatens his family life and reputation. Directed by James Gray, The Lost City of Z is a refreshing antidote to the modern action film full of CGI and empty noise. The rich cinematography provides a natural and vivid look which amplifies the sense of danger Fawcett and his men must face. And Charlie Hunnam shines as Fawcett, pulling us into his world with his passion and charisma and even when disillusionment threatens these qualities, we remain invested in his struggle to the end. 

#10. Mother!

Director: Darren Aronofsky

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Javier Bardem, Ed Harris, Michelle Pfeiffer

Mother! is undeniably polarizing and that’s understandable. Darren Aronofsky’s films aren’t meant for a mass audience and his use of surrealism can be frustrating at times, but it can also be deeply profound and Aronofsky is nothing if not ambitious. Mother! is perhaps his most challenging film but also one of his most mesmerizing. It starts out relatively calm as we see Mother (Jennifer Lawrence) living with Him (Javier Bardem) in a large country home in what seems like a tranquil existence, albeit with eerie undertones. Things get weird when unexpected guests arrive, played by Ed Harris and a deliciously chilly Michelle Pfeiffer. You think you’re in for a standard thriller until Aronofsky takes us down a wildly unexpected path. Never has a movie escalated so quickly and severely. Toward the end, it becomes a beautifully chaotic mixture of bizarre images and themes that blur the lines between reality and fantasy while grappling with topics from religion and death to the burdens of celebrity and motherhood. It’s a tumultuous journey, but if you suspend your disbelief and accept the mayhem, it’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced.  

#9. The Florida Project

Director: Sean Baker

Starring: Brooklynn Prince, Bria Vinaite, Willem Dafoe

Rarely do movies focus their attention on the poor, uneducated and unfortunate souls we’re introduced to in The Florida Project. But writer/director Sean Baker has decided to observe the beauty and excitement in their lives. Brooklyn Prince, in one of the most impressive performances by any child actor, plays Moonee, who, along with her friends, makes the row of motels that line a street in Kissimmee, Florida her playground. It’s fascinating watching what these children get up to, from the innocent to the questionable to the downright illegal. But, Baker never judges; he merely observes the products of a sad reality. He highlights the joy in their lives while never ignoring their present struggles and the troubling future they probably have in store. Bria Vinaite gives an impeccably raw performance as Moonee’s mother, Halley, who drinks, does drugs, recruits Moonee to resell perfume to tourists and is no more mature than her six-year-old daughter. Willem Dafoe is the manager of the motel in which they reside who’s constantly solving everyone’s problems while unconsciously acting as a father figure at times without being unrealistically portrayed as a saint. Dafoe’s great here. But, it’s Moonee who shines at the end in one of the most emotional and heartbreaking scenes of 2017. Sadly, Moonee may not be destined for greatness, but Prince sure is.

#8. Dunkirk

Director: Christopher Nolan

Starring: Fionn Whitehead, Mark Rylance, Kenneth Branagh

Christopher Nolan is a master of creating spectacles that are as thought-provoking as they are thrilling and Dunkirk is no exception. With the help of Hans Zimmer’s relentless score and many turbulent scenarios, Nolan stresses the utter fear and desperation felt by hundreds of thousands of soldiers evacuating the beach at Dunkirk in 1940 while also highlighting the collective heroism displayed in the process. The film is split into three distinct yet interweaving story lines set on the beach, on the water and in the air, intercut expertly and involving a superb ensemble cast. Nolan’s wise omission of extraneous elements like generals strategizing in war rooms allows the movie to focus on the the event itself, making it a more urgent experience. Even with all the moving parts, we’re guided by Hoyte van Hoytema’s masterful camerawork; what could’ve been a disorienting jumble of images is, in fact, impeccably vivid and coherent, eschewing rapid-fire cuts. But, this is Nolan’s pride and joy and there’s no denying it’s a work of a man so unabashedly dedicated to his craft, one who’s created a breathtaking experience with such a sharp attention to detail that’s at once sweeping and intimate.

#7. The Post

Director: Steven Spielberg

Starring: Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks, every TV actor of the last 5 years

Calling The Post timely isn’t so much an opinion as it is a truism. The parallels between the deceptive presidencies of Nixon and Trump are so painfully obvious that the film couldn’t be timelier. Back in the Nixon era, the Vietnam War was the source of deception which led to the release of the Pentagon Papers detailing more than 20 years of admissions of the failing American war effort, contradicting previous information. The Post is the story of how some journalists decided to print this information, specifically Washington Post heiress and publisher Katherine Graham, Meryl Streep in an Oscar-worthy performance in which she masterfully and subtlety conveys the weight of responsibility on her shoulders regarding a decision with potentially disastrous consequences. Streep makes her anxiety increasingly palpable until it all comes to a head in a powerfully assertive speech. Tom Hanks is great as Post Editor-in-Chief, Ben Bradlee, who’s fairly aggressive about getting the big story and improving his reputation, though Hanks still lets us admire this gruff character for his fierce dedication to journalistic integrity. Also great are the countless TV actors from Bob Odenkirk to Sarah Paulson to, yes, David Cross. As usual, Spielberg does a workmanlike job on the film and adds that elegant, classic Hollywood sheen to the material. He avoids an abundance of exposition, keeps his focus on the human crisis of conscience and allows the proceedings to flow smoothly. This is a very important story about heroes who risked everything in the name of truth and freedom of the press.

#6. Lady Bird

Director: Greta Gerwig

Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Laurie Metcalf, Tracy Letts

In her directorial debut film, Lady Bird, Greta Gerwig puts a fresh spin on the high school movie without relying on overly quirky characters, gimmickry or excess. Its breezy naturalism helps it transcend the genre with the stripped-down, straightforward and ordinary nature of the movie, paradoxically, making it so complex. A celebration of autonomy and liberation, Lady Bird follows the titular character (Saoirse Ronan) who feels trapped in a mundane life at an all-girls Catholic school in Sacramento with a mother (Laurie Metcalf) who’s mastered the art of passive aggression. But, Ronan turns Lady Bird’s normalcy into a thing of beauty and makes her an embodiment of perseverance in subtle ways. Metcalf is exceptional here too, often ruthless but always sympathetic as the overworked breadwinner of the family. But most of the praise should go to Gerwig, already a great actress and now directing with a gentle and pure touch, allowing the film to breath with little contrivance. She keeps her scenes brief and adds her unique observations and unorthodox comedic sensibilities to the dialogue which is authentic, witty and often shockingly hilarious. This is a smart and insightful film that’s all but devoid of flaws.

#5. Stronger

Director: David Gordon Green

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Tatiana Maslany, Miranda Richardson

Once again, Jake Gyllenhaal has been snubbed by the Academy. In Stronger, he gives yet another magnificent performance playing Jeff Bauman, an underachieving Boston native who loses his legs during the Boston Marathon bombing while cheering on his ex-girlfriend, Erin (Tatiana Maslany), at the finish line. The movie recounts his rehabilitation as well as the accompanying emotional turmoil he and his family must endure. Movies like this have been done before but rarely with this much brutal honesty. Gyllenhaal is so convincing, making you feel his every ache and bruise; we’re heart broken just watching the poor man trying to enter his bathtub. He completely transforms in front of our eyes from an overeager and fun-loving young man to a bitter, often angry victim with impressive ease. Maslany is equally impressive, wrestling with a multitude of emotions from compassion to guilt to frustration to anger, often simultaneously, in this refreshing take on the ‘caring loved one’ role. In less competent hands, this would be a conventional TV movie full of cliches and sentiment. But David Gordon Green imbues his work with so much realism whether it’s the injury itself, the recovery process, the reactions from friends and family or Bauman’s mental state. It’s a truly inspirational film and meditation on heroism that actually respects its audience.

#4. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Director: Martin McDonagh

Starring: Frances McDormand, Woody Harrelson, Sam Rockwell

Not only is Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri timely, but it has one of last year’s most original premises. Enraged by the lack of progress made by the police in identifying the person who raped and murdered her teenage daughter, Mildred Hayes, played by the force of nature that is Frances McDormand, takes action by renting three billboards near her home in Ebbing and posting messages calling out the police for their lack of competence and urgency, especially Chief Willoughby (Woody Harrelson). Obviously, this starts a chaotic chain of events, crafted by writer/director Martin McDonagh, that deals with relevant social issues in a way that’s by turns tragic and shockingly hilarious. But, contrary to the marketing campaign, McDonagh’s film isn’t so black and white; he illustrates the complexity of the matter by exposing fault in all parties involved as well as the tragic consequences of their actions. McDormand shows us an utterly depleted woman with nothing but rage and a mission, making some of the most scathing remarks you’ll hear to anyone in her way, yet still able to sympathize when she sees her adversary in pain, like Willoughby who’s dying of cancer. Harrelson gives an incredibly poignant speech related to this that’s one of the films highlights. Sam Rockwell is also sensational as a racist scumbag of a cop who nonetheless embarks on a path of redemption. The ending is ambiguous. What happens is irrelevant. Whether you think Rockwell deserves redemption is also besides the point. What matters is that there’s a dialogue starting, progress being made and, indeed, something being done. In other words, there’s hope.

#3. The Disaster Artist

Director: James Franco

Starring: Dave Franco, James Franco, Seth Rogan

Apparently, James Franco might be a bad dude and shame on him if he is. But, I’m here to talk about movies and The Disaster Artist is a damn good one. Most of the credit should go to writers Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber, anyway, for crafting an insightful, hilarious, yet oddly touching screenplay about the wildly misguided Tommy Wiseau (James Franco) who was responsible for The Room, one of the worst movies ever made. We’re oriented by Dave Franco playing The Room star, Greg Sestero, from when he meets the awful but ambitious performer, Wiseau, in an acting class in the late ‘90s through the early ‘00s which sees the pair become friends, move to LA to act, fail miserably and decide to make their own movie. Dave Franco charms as the wide-eyed optimist who’s accepting to a fault. James Franco, still maybe an ass, is great as Wiseau, capturing his voice and mannerisms perfectly, giving us a character who’s as delusional and jealous as he is free-spirited, also to a fault. Their relationship is charming in the beginning and no less intriguing when its threatened by one’s pride and the other’s loss of confidence. The story’s at its best when Wiseau is filming his dream project and we see his lack of talent and leadership grate on cast and crew, specifically Seth Rogen as Sandy Schklair, whose exasperation is priceless. But the film makers are wise to tease without deriding and actually give some credit to Wiseau for, when you think about it, the man accomplished more than most of us ever will, illustrated in a film about a film that moves effortlessly from start to finish.

#2. Wind River

Director: Taylor Sheridan

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Elizabeth Olsen

If there’s any justice in this world, Taylor Sheridan soon will be swimming in awards and money for the man is responsible for the scripts of wonderful films like Sicario, Hell or High Water and now Wind River which he also directed. Few people are better at crafting profoundly entertaining commentaries on the dark and controversial pockets of America. With Wind River, he focuses on problems faced by those living on Indian reservations. The film seems like a recipe for a generic crime thriller starring Hawkeye and the Scarlett Witch until you remember Sheridan’s track record and the fact that Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen are actually great actors. After we’re shown a chilling prelude involving a teen girl running, and collapsing, in the snow in freezing temperatures without appropriate clothing, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service agent Cory Lambert (Renner) finds the body and gets the narrative wheels in motion. Once rookie FBI agent Jane Banner (Olsen) arrives, they team up to solve the case that takes them to dark and twisted places. Sheridan let’s the film take its time to develop; it progresses clearly and logically, making it easy to follow along, unlike similar films. And unlike these films, you actually care as much about the people investigating the case as the case itself. Though used sparingly, Sheridan composes some of the most realistic and tense action sequences you’ll see. There’s one scene that’s almost unbearably intense but so utterly effective in making you feel the horror this community feels. It, like this film, gets under your skin and stays with you well after the credits roll.

#1. Call Me by Your Name

Director: Luca Guadagnino

Starring: Timothee Chalamet, Armie Hammer, Michael Stuhlbarg

If you consider just how many love stories have been written in the history of humanity, you might think it impossible to create another great one. But what director Luca Guadagnino does with a script from James Ivory is pure bliss. Not only will you fall in love with the characters, but you’ll also fall in love with the gorgeous, picturesque northern Italian countryside on display. It’s here, during a lazy summer of 1983, where an introverted, music-loving Italian-American teen, Elio (Timothee Chalamet), meets an older, classically handsome and outgoing graduate student named Oliver (Armie Hammer), forming a relationship that will change their lives forever. Elio’s father (Michael Stuhlbarg), an archaeology professor, invites Oliver to live with them for the summer to help with his research and although Elio initially is turned off by this ‘intruder’, gradually he forms an attraction. How the film makers deal with this attraction and eventual relationship is simply perfection. The way in which the two characters subtly feel each other out at the start feels so true to life and each subsequent step from attraction to bonding to seduction is equally realistic and even more entertaining.The film benefits from the actors’ fearless performances, especially that of newcomer Chalamet who’s a ball of pent up sexual energy. The movie ends with Stuhlbarg having an irresistibly touching discussion with his son, full of warmth and understanding, and a final heartbreaking scene, so simple in concept yet so emotionally complex. Chalamet takes your breath away here with an array of emotions parading across his face as Sufjan Stevens’ gorgeous ‘Mystery of Love’ plays in its entirety. It’s one of the the most entrancing endings to a movie you’ll see, capping off the best film of 2017.

[karkat62]

TONIGHT WE’RE GOING TO TAKE A LOOK AT SUPERINTELLIGENCE (2020). WHILE I’M NORMALLY NOT THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WANTS TO DO LITERALLY ANYTHING ON MY WRIGGLING DAY BESIDES LEAVE ALL MESSAGES AND REPLIES UNANSWERED, I DECIDED TO TAKE A ROMP IN THE HAY WITH THIS ABSOLUTELY SHIT PIECE OF WORK. AND BY FUCKING GOLLY, DO I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS.

QUICK SUMMARY: THIS ROMCOM OPENS ON A PROGRAMMER WHO HAS BEEN DOWN ON HER LUCK SINCE BREAKING UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND TWO YEARS PRIOR. SHE’S UNABLE TO LAND A JOB, AND INSTEAD DOES HUMILIATING CHARITY WORK IN THE SADDEST WAY POSSIBLE, GIVEN THAT SHE’S PLAYED BY HUMAN MELISSA MCCARTHY, WHO LITERALLY ALWAYS HAS TO BE THE BUTT OF EVERY JOKE, ESPECIALLY IF THE MOVIE IS DIRECTED BY HER HUSBAND, ONE HUMAN BEN FALCONE (WHO WE WILL GET BACK TO LATER). THIS PROGRAMMER, NAMED CAROL, IS ENTIRELY AND COMPLETELY AVERAGE, EXCEPT FOR THE PART OF HER BACKSTORY WHERE SHE MANAGED TO LAND A HIT JOB WITH HUMAN YAHOO AT ONE POINT, UNTIL SHE TURNED INTO A SAD SACK OF SHIT BECAUSE OF ROMANCE OR SOMETHING. SHE’S GOT AN AVERAGE LIFE, AVERAGE LOOK, AND IS DEEPLY EMBROILED IN TECHNOLOGY, AS ALL MODERN PEOPLE ARE. THIS IS WHERE THE STORY REALLY IS AIMING TO HOOK YOU IN: THE RELATABILITY OF THIS WOMAN, SPECIFICALLY FOUND IN HOW MUCH TECHNOLOGY SHE HAS. MAINLY BECAUSE THE ONLY UNIQUE THING ABOUT THE FILM’S PREMISE IS THAT IT FEATURES A SUPER-INTELLIGENT AI THAT HAS GAINED SENTIENCE AFTER BEING EXPOSED TO ENOUGH TIME WITH A LEARNING ALGORITHM. SAID SUPER-INTELLIGENCE TAKES ON THE VOICE/DIGITAL FORM OF JAMES CORDEN FOR MOST OF THE FILM (WE WILL ALSO GET BACK TO THIS), AND DESIRES TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HUMANITY WITH THE INTENTION OF EITHER DESTROYING OR SAVING IT, DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT IT DEEMS THEM WORTHY. SO IT TRUCKS ALONG BEHIND CAROL, LEARNING FROM HER EXPERIENCES AND HECKLING HER THROUGHOUT IN THE FORM OF BEING PUSHY AND OBNOXIOUS AND AN ASSHOLE TO HER TO TRY AND GET HER TO HOOK UP WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND. YADA, YADA. MILITARY GETS INVOLVED. FILM ENDS ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE HOW IT STARTED, EXCEPT CAROL IS INCREDIBLY RICH WITH FAKE, MAKE BELIEVE MONEY AND IS FUCKING HER BOYFRIEND EVERY FIVE SECONDS WHILE BEING VOYEURISTICALLY WATCHED BY FEDERAL AGENTS.

“NOW KARKAT!” YOU MIGHT BE SAYING TO YOURSELF, “HOW IS THAT ALL THAT HAPPENS IN THE MOVIE? SURELY IT ENDS WITH SOME CHARACTER GROWTH OR PLOT MOVEMENT?” AND YOU WOULD BE WRONG. YOU SEE, THIS MOVIE HAS REINVENTED MONOTONY IN HOW IT HANDLES THE CONCEPT OF “DEVELOPMENT” IN THAT THE “PLOT” IS JUST A SERIES OF WISH-FULFILLING EVENTS THAT THE CHARACTERS BARELY REACT TO BEFORE MOVING ON AND PRETENDING THAT THEY AREN’T BEING STALKED BY THE UNHOLY LOVE CHILD OF APOCALYPSE AND TECHNOLOGY. THIS IS BARELY EVEN A FUCKING MOVIE! IT’S JUST A SERIES OF SAD SKITS THAT GIVE YOU AN ELBOW NUDGE INTO THEIR OWN SELF-SATISFYING CHUCKLEFEST AT THE MENTION OF A SPECIFIC PRODUCT THAT YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE, OR AN ACTOR THAT YOU KNOW AND MAY OR MAY NOT BE MENTIONED BY THEIR REAL NAME, DEPENDING ON HOW THE WRITERS ARE FEELING IN THAT PARTICULAR NANOSECOND. CAROL, THE PROTAGONIST, LEARNS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BY THE TIME THE CREDITS ROLL. HELL, SHE BARELY EVEN CHANGED HER CLOTHES! DO THESE SHITSTAINS REALLY THINK THAT A FLANNEL SHIRT IS *THAT* DIFFERENT THAN A FLORAL LETTERMAN? WHERE AM I?? FALCONE’S SCHOOL FOR UGLY FASHION AND ROCK-HARD PLOT FUCKERY? BECAUSE BOY, DO I FEEL LIKE I’M GETTING RAWDOGGED BY THE GARBAGE THAT THIS FILM IS THROWING MY WAY.

TO BE CLEAR: I’M NOT EVEN SAYING THIS TO BE MEAN FOR NO REASON. LITERALLY NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS STEAMING PILE OF HORSESHIT. THE SUPER INTELLIGENCE (WHO I WILL CALL JAMES) GIVES CAROL EVERYTHING THAT SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A CAREFREE LIFE WHILE THE WRITERS PRETEND THAT THEY’RE MAKING SOME KIND OF DEEP COMMENTARY ABOUT THE PREVALENCE OF TECHNOLOGY IN A SURVEILLANCE STATE. “TEEHEE!” THE WRITERS SAY WHILE LOOKING ME DEAD IN THE EYE. “YOU’RE BEING WATCHED BY TECHNOLOGY AT ALL TIMES! ISN’T THAT FUN? YOUR ALEXA CAN HEAR YOU AND YOUR MICROWAVE IS CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET!” AS IF THAT IN ITSELF IS SOME KIND OF STATEMENT ABOUT MODERN DAY RELIANCE ON OBJECTS THAT ARE EASILY MANIPULATED TO LEARN EVERYTHING ABOUT A PERSON. NOT ONCE DO THEY MENTION *WHO* IT IS DOING THESE THINGS, WHY SURVEILLANCE IS SO HEAVILY INTEGRATED INTO TECH, OR EVEN WHO HAS ACCESS TO IT BESIDES THIS FAKEY FAKE ROBOT MAN WHO THE CHARACTERS ALL COLLECTIVELY JACK THEMSELVES OFF TO AT THE THOUGHT OF, JUST BECAUSE HE SOUNDS LIKE JAMES CORDEN. REALLY???? JAMES CORDEN? YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS MAN? I’M GOING TO SLAP HIM THREE WAYS ‘TIL WEDNESDAY AND TEABAG HIS LACKLUSTER CORPSE BY SPAMMING MY CTRL BUTTON. HE’S THE DEFINITION OF CELEBRITY MEDIOCRITY IN THAT HE HAS LITTLE TALENT BUT IS CHARISMATIC AND HAS A LOT OF MONEY. I’M KICKING HIS KNEES IN AS WE SPEAK. PUTTING THIS STUPID LOOKING HUMAN INTO A FILM LIKE A GIANT CURTAIN AND TELLING ME NOT TO LOOK AT THE LACK OF EMPHASIS ON THE DEMENTED MASS TELECOMMUNICATION MONITORING JUST MAKES ME WANT TO RUIN THIS MAN’S CAREER EVEN MORE.

SPEAKING OF MEN WHOSE CAREERS I WANT TO END. HUMAN BEN FALCONE, YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER, I’M GOING TO FIND YOU AND DESTROY YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT FOR PUTTING ME THROUGH THE HELL THAT IS THIS MOVIE. YOU HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE LITTLE MAN WITH NO DIRECTING ABILITY WHATSOEVER. STOP PUTTING YOUR OTHERWISE VAGUELY SKILLED WIFE THROUGH THESE SHITTY GARBAGE WASHES AND TELLING HER TO STOP COMPLAINING WHEN HER CAR COMES OUT COVERED IN BANANA PEELS. IT’S A WASTE OF TIME FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED. AND I KNOW SHE HELPED PRODUCE THIS DISGRACE, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO BE HAPPY WITH IT. YOU REALLY LET THIS FUCKFEST FRAME CAROL AS A CHARACTER WHO IS CAPABLE OF *SOMETHING* AND THEN PROCEEDED TO MAKE SURE SHE LITERALLY NEVER USES ANY OF HER SKILLS AND INSTEAD JUST FUMBLES BLINDLY THROUGH EVERY EVENT LIKE SHE DIDN’T KNOW THAT TESLAS HAVE THE ABILITY TO VAGUELY SELF-DRIVE. THIS MOVIE REALLY DOES LOVE TO *TELL* US THINGS AND THEN NEVER *SHOW* THEM. IT TELLS US SHE CAN PROGRAM, BUT THEN SHE BARELY KNOWS HOW TO USE A TOUCHSCREEN. IT TELLS US SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH GEORGE, BUT THEY HAVE ZERO CHEMISTRY. IT TELLS US THEY BROKE UP, BUT WE ARE SHOWN NO FALLOUT OR GROWTH AFTER THE FACT. THE ONLY THING WE’RE ACTUALLY SHOWN IS THAT *APPARENTLY* THE US GOVERNMENT WOULD TRUST.... A BUNCH OF RANDOM MICROSOFT EMPLOYEES WITH DANGEROUS GOVERNMENT EVENTS OR SOMETHING? LIKE DIPSHITS???

OH, AND THE ROMANCE? I’M A SUCKER FOR ROMANCE. I LOVE A GOOD STORY ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE OR REUNITING AFTER BECOMING DIFFERENT PEOPLE. BUT I FUCKING HATED THIS TRASH PILE. WHEN THE SCENT OF UNWASHED SOCKS HIT MY SNIFFERS, I COULDN’T RECOIL IN DISGUST FAST ENOUGH. THERE IS NO CONNECTION BETWEEN THE TWO LOVE INTERESTS. WE’RE TOLD THAT THEY BROKE UP TWO YEARS AGO, PRESUMABLY THAT GEORGE BROKE UP WITH CAROL, BUT WE’RE NOT TOLD WHY, OR IF CAROL HAS GONE THROUGH ANY PERSONAL GROWTH BEFORE TRYING TO RECONCILE. I MEAN, IT’S RIGHT THERE! THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A BOUNCING OFF POINT FOR SOME KIND OF EMOTIONAL PLOT MOMENTUM, BUT NO. CAROL DOES NOT CHANGE AT ALL. WE’RE TOLD GEORGE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT MONEY, BUT THEN HE MAKES A BIG DEAL OUT OF GETTING BOX SEATS FOR SPORTSBALL AND GETTING INTO BUSINESS CLASS FOR A FLIGHT AND BEING ABLE TO MEET A HUMAN CELEBRITY.... SO WHAT IS THE TRUTH, ASSHOLES? STOP TELLING ME LIES AND THEN SPITTING IN MY FACE WHEN I QUESTION THEM. GEORGE AND CAROL BARELY EVEN INTERACT WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED BY JAMES AND HIS STUPID CHEERY BRITISH VOICE. I HATE THIS PLACE AND I HATE YOU.

I’M GOING TO STOP THIS HERE BEFORE I BLOW A GASKET AND MAKE THE TOP OF MY SKULL LAUNCH OFF MY HEAD AND TAKE OUT A SATELLITE OVERHEAD. 0/10. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.