#literally the only reason I don't have daily meltdowns abt it is because I have white noise going CONSTANTLY.
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oh. hahah. my compulsive cleaning hasn't simply been an attempt to get back on top of housework, it's been a desperate attempt to feel some kind of control in my life again
#I have. so little control. all I really have is control over my space#and even that's constantly tainted by the sound. god all the fucking sound. from other apartments.#literally the only reason I don't have daily meltdowns abt it is because I have white noise going CONSTANTLY.#tears my hair out. I have been trying very hard to keep a lid on it and not. why do I want to say “not show weakness”.#that probably says something about me.#anyways. I am struggling and it's bad ptsd time. so I keep isolating myself bc that's apparently all I know how to do.#clean and isolate and dissociate is. about right for a random spin on a wheel of all my trauma responses
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