#long story short: instead of writing tiffany's eval solo since i'm gonna be busy saturday i wrote this close to 1.8k solo

[rktiffxny]

                                                     ❝  IF I CURSED YOU OUT  —                                                        I WOULD’VE FELT BETTER  

everything is slower these days. she reacts slow, speaks slow, moves slow — she’s feelingoff and has no answer to when a trainer asks her if she’s sick. because the type of condition she has isn’t one simple medicine can fix. because what she has would make her mad to even think it, let alone say it. she’s heartsick. 

but fall is beginning and it’s easy to call it a cold — it’s not a complete lie. she does feel cold, just not in the conventional way. she’s stuffing her towel in her gym bag, languidly packing up when she notices her phone light up. her hopes don’t peak, she doesn’t expect a certain someone to call. not now, not anymore. but there is a certain someone else who occupies her apartment more than he had and it’s exactly that person who called.

cassie’s words have the tendency to sound more like a decree than a suggestion, but tiffany’s not feeling open to it either way when her sister says, “don’t come home tonight.”

“ryan’s not in korea right now, is he? because if he is and that’s why you’re kicking me out of my apartment, first of all gross and second of all, like i said it’s my apartment!”

“why does your mind have to go there?”

“i don’t know. why are you kicking me out of my apartment for the night?”

“can’t you let me finish talking? why do you like the sound of your voice so much?”

“because my sister is the same way and i learned from her.”

“brat.”

“you didn’t flood my apartment and you’re trying to fix everything before i come back, right?”

“if i flooded your apartment, do you think i would stay here with emily?”

“i would hope not.”

tiffany could practically hear her sister’s eyes rolling and there’s a faint smile on her lips. things almost feel normal. she almost feels more than just fine. “there’s a car waiting outside for you.”

“you’re creeping me out.”

“i texted you the license plate number, do you feel better?”

“no … ”

“just go get in the car!”

“oh my god, i still have to go downstairs!”

“oh … why didn’t you say so?” speaking of too alike, tiffany knows a hwang scheme when she sees one. her sister might be a luo now but she knows that cassie is still a hwang at heart. “okay, be a good girl and go downstairs! hurry, the driver’s been waiting for you!”

“i— oh, okay. well, bye to you too,” she grumbles, slipping the phone from her shoulder as she gives her bag one last zip with a loud sigh. there’s no end to her mumbling about how rude her own sister is to hang up on her like that after making casual demands as if she didn’t have a long day of training — not that tiffany was the most energetic today — and she only pauses when she opens the text. the license number is familiar … as soon as she sees a car outside of kt, she knows.

“hyunshik?”

closing the door behind her, bag slipped into the backseat, she clicks her seatbelt in place while asking, “you’re not working tonight?” he hums in response and she also knows better than to expect much more when it seems he’s been dragged into whatever plans her sister has. at least this means it can’t be the first option and she’s more than thankful for that as much as she loves her brother-in-law.

“you’re not going to tell me a single damn thing, are you?” this time, he actually laughs and her brows lift. “wow, someone’s in a good mood. did my sister promise to set you up with one of her friends? i’ve got some bad news for you ~ most of them are married too.”

tiffany only receives a scoff and she manages a small smile as she leans forward, fiddling with the ac and radio controls only to have her hand smacked away. her sister’s a stickler for detail and it hadn’t slipped tiffany’s notice the kind of songs playing as he drives on. girl power songs, strong, independent woman songs — break-up songs about moving on and moving up and tiffany thinks she’d appreciate it if she was at that point already. but, for once, she’s allowing herself a small dose of sadness each day. a small dose, as if it’ll help her withstand it and build up immunity when it’s bound to become her weakness if she doesn’t do something soon.  

fingertips tap idly against the car door as she leans back, making herself comfortable but it’s not long before the car stops. a halt so gentle that tiffany doesn’t realize at first until he undoes her seatbelt for her, “go inside. you’ll know when you see.”

“hm?” but she doesn’t have to go inside to know what the place he’s brought her to is: a karaoke place. her eyes glaze over and she thinks that the last thing she wants to do issing after practice all day. “can’t you just take me home?”

“a deal’s a deal.”

“i didn’t make a deal.”

“why’d you get in the car?”

a part of her wants to childishly point out that she was told to by her older sister and she very well can’t say no too often to her sister given her condition, but there’s a part of her that calls out more, that practically screams that she needs whatever is going to happen. because even if she doesn’t know what cassie’s plans are, she knows that her sister only wants the best for her, only wants to help her. it’s just a matter of accepting said help and, for once, tiffany doesn’t want to fight it. that’s what cassie was hoping for: that tiffany had grown this much and hwang miyoung doesn’t disappoint in the end.

all while huffing, she still grabs her bag and gets out of the car with a salute, “yes, sir!” she could blame jongdae for that later, smugly grinning at how hyunshik grimaces. everyone who knew him knows that he hated serving his time. however it showed his dedication to his country, it didn’t suit him.

adjusting the strap over her shoulder, she sighs again, foot kicking at the gravel along the side of the road just before she takes a step closer and finally another and another right into the shop. the last person she expected to be there waiting for her was her sister herself. “hey! where’s emily?”

“with her uncle cheolwoo. he volunteered.” they both struggle to ignore the cruel joke to be made about how cheolwoo is more willing than emily’s actual uncle but they all had their reasons at the time. “let’s go!”

“can you … ” tiffany’s gaze drops and she points at the growing bump of her sister’s stomach, to which cassie smacks her hand. “ouch!”

“i’m pregnant, steph. that doesn’t mean i can’t go out!”

“but it’s late … ”

cassie shrugs it off as if it’s nothing, as if it’s nothing that her sister is destined for a life of late nights from now on if she continues down this road; living a life where even if they’re finally in the same country for a while, tiffany can’t be around nearly as much as either of them would want.

“it’s never too late.”

for once, tiffany truly doesn’t know what her sister means.

the next two hours go by in a flash for cassie but, to tiffany, everything feels as if it’s in slow-motion. the poison is settling in and she’s pretending not to feel a thing. it’s just that cassie is terrified of; when tiffany is numb, cassie can’t stand it.

“you choose a song this time.” “i’ve chosen some of the songs!” “mm hm,” the skepticism drips from her voice and tiffany stifles yet another sigh. “i love this s— oh—”

cassie rests a hand over her lower stomach and there’s a flicker of panic in tiffany’s eyes. her sister is the perfect picture of serenity once whatever it is subsides and tiffany is baffled.

“is that normal?”

“i’m just feeling a little gassy.”

“oh my god.” the abbreviation tmi might as well be written on her forehead, only making cassie laugh hard as she gets up. “you sing this song for me, i’m going to be a while.”

“oh, gross.”

“it’s only human ~ ”

“stop, stop, stop!” cassie’s laughter trickles out the door and follows her into the hallway and tiffany’s grip loosens around the mic. as empowering as thank you very much by bestie can be, she knows she can’t do the song justice in her mood and it’s what cassie was referring to, as much as tiffany would prefer to deny it.

she thumbs through the singing list although she knows it well. cassie’d chosen one of the noraebangs that tiffany went to the most a few years ago. now, it felt like she rarely went. how often does a trainee get to? how often does a trainee want to? it’s a ploy, it must be and, while she doesn’t want to willingly fall for it, there’s a song that she’s drawn to.

a song she has to sing.

that’s what she thought, until the music starts and she’s barely able to open her mouth.

(     ♫, as i forgot about you who doesn’t love me           i live doing everything that i wanted to do.           i can’t erase you from my mind,       why        )  

she wants to, she wants to erase him from her mind. the idea alone is such a lie she can’t fathom it. so much for more honesty. there’s no way she could, there’s no way she’d really want to, so why, why does she have to feel like this? if she could hate him, it’d be easier.

(      ♫, who are you to make me pitiful       if i cursed you out, i would’ve at least felt better       why, why did you leave me without saying anything?     )  

if he’d been more of an asshole, it’d be easier. if he’d actually done something, it’d be easier. but it’s the way they grew distant, the way they faded to nothing that hurts more.

(      ♫, i’m not ready to break up,           wait a minute, waiting is too long, has no limit           i keep calling for you, but you don’t answer           only      —       echoes       —      come back to me      )  

the words barely make it past her tongue. the only thing that flows as freely as the melody are her tears and cassie leans her head against the door, eyes clenched shut as she listens to her baby sister stifle her sobs.

cassie did know best: tiffany didn’t need to curse bobby out, she needed to cry.

what she didn’t expect is for the song to start up again and this time tiffany sang through the end. this time, cassie couldn’t stay outside the room, not when tiffany’s tell me what is love sounds more like a desperate question than a lyric. her voice cracks, it’s unstable,shaky — she breaks, a crack in her armor, but at least her sister is there to hold the pieces together.

                                                             tell me, this is love.