#maybe dont look too closely its a bit .. ruff

[rawshau]

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Thoughts n feels After so much work into letting brianna go. Trying to build my life back. To imagine a future that i can work towards. It all comes crashing down. So unexpectedly as well. With Linden my best and closest friend showing interest in Brianna, i find my self dumbfounded. I never thought he'd do such a thing. My idea, image, of who i thought him to be feels broken. I trust him with everything i say. I tell him that Briannas relationship is with maclame is going south and jumps and the chance to ask her out. He made a small effort to do this after we broke up as well. I didn't think this was possible. I didn't think he'd do that to me. I mean even asking me before hand rather then after the fact. Where did all of this even come from? He's never talked to her for a long time. Has he always felt this way? Has he always been attracted to her? Now he's taking this and an opportunity to make a move. Did he not think how it would affect me? He never really tells me about himself. He never really opens up to me. I feel close to him because i share and we relate but he doesn't share with me. What he thinks or feels, his thoughts. Maybe he isn't the friend i thought him to be. I am closer to Brianna. She knows me. And it the midst of all this all my feelings for Brianna have come rushing back. To be reminded how much i really love her brings me to tears. And knowing she still loves me, it makes me terrified. What if I can't be who she needs me to be. What if she gets bored lf me, or im afraid to explore where she whats to go. To start such a relationship again. Terrifies me. But at the same time i get to explore my feelings of love for her. And without doubt this time. This is what i want. Me and her. Her relationship with mac is far from over. And us getting back together is not guarantee. I'm more so back where i was in June tho. I still miss Brianna. She still has doubts that us being together would be a good thing as do I sort of. I got a glimpse again at what we are. By that I guess i mean i feel i saw a higher version of who we are together. I see higher version of myself and i see a higher version of her, and i see the intimate, spiritual connection. I not only see it but i taste it, i feel it. And it's what hurts to think that we'll never be that again. But i can accept it. I have already accepted that. I know I need to move on and focus on me. Just sucks feeling like this again. I don't know if i should share with Linden everything that has happened. He still seems kinda intrigued with Brianna, and I don't like that. Like what if he asks her out more. Which he said he wouldn't. I don't know who I trust. I wanna be able to be open with him. I wanna text Brianna but I can't. I'm hitting the floor really hard here. It's difficult being alone now. I feel a sort of sadness creeping in. A restlessness. I miss having Brianna in my life. She grows a little every time I see her. I don't know if she'll ever be in love with me again. I had thought i was over her. But all these feeling have come crawling back. I feel they're important. That I shouldn't forget. She is so special, and she makes me laugh, i feel stronger with her around. Yesterday i hit a solid low and i feel i felt for the first time the pain of what i've really lost. Everything has been said. All i can really say is that I'm truly sorry. The only way Brianna and I would get back together is only if she wanted to. I know she doesn't trust me, believes we we're meant to fail or just not work out. But then again she had more arguments for wanting to be together when her relationship with mac was shitty. I don't know what's gonna happen, and the fact that leigh all of a sudden wants to sleepover now is kind of strange. I could use the distraction. So all of this has definitely changed how I see Linden. Dude was my best bud, practically my brother. Brothers don't go out with your ex's .... He's gonna play it off like it's nothing. But in actuality his intent was pretty obvious. His excitement, asking her out to drinks and movies. He can play it off as harmless, but at the same time those interactions have hidden meanings. Just spending time with a girl is always slightly suspect. If either party develops and feeling for the other it changes the relationship. It kinda shows that linden tends to manipulate things, whether its conscious or unconscious, it's kind of 2 faced behavior. It's definitely fractured my trust with him. I don't know if I can open up to him anymore. I don't want to hangout with him really. Just feels like theres some pain there now. I don't know exactly what I need to do to fix it. I struggling with the idea of being with Brianna. Maybe some trust has been lost on my side. She left me for some other guy. Yet my feelings for her still persist. Even when I did my best to forget her, they found a way back. And now I'm stuck here thinking about her again. Now there is no doubt to me that there probably is someone out there better for me then Brianna. But they won't be Brianna. We've been through so much. When i think about where i could possibly meet someone else only yoga, and small mountain town come to mind. I just don't see me dating like people do. All these norms people follow, these games they play. I don't want to participate with that shit. I think i'll get a cat. Someone to chill with. Girls aren't really a priority anymore. If love finds me, ill embrace it. I'd much rather focus on being love then worrying about finding some girl to be with. I just want a doggo and some mountains. A question I come to at times is: will she ever be "in love" with me again? Will she ever see me that way? Give me that look? I know that we "love" each other, but what does that mean? Am I a brother to you now? What's next for us? Is there an us? Can I, just, be you friend? I'm thinking about Serena now... the next girl I had thoughts about. I don't see myself pursuing her like I did leigh. I don't see anything coming about either, but she intrigues me. Don't know what to do with intrigue:/ I don't really want anything right now anyways. I wanna board and get a cat. Catpanion. So Brianna broke up with Mac, and not a day later it seem they are back together. She's giving him a second chance it seems. Even tho this douche is borderline abusive. It kinda hurts to see the comparison between her breakup with Maclean and me. She didn't really care much for me in the end of our relationship. Which kinda hurts. I wanna let go of Brianna. I guess i had hope id get my friend back at least but it appears not. I don't really want to see her even. I feel a little stagnant. To peruse girls isn't going to bring about the relationship I want. It creates a version of myself that I can't sustain. And in the relationship they see who i really am and the whole thing falls apart. I don't know what it is I should be doing. My energy is low but I don't feel sad or depressed. I feel like i just want to rest. Working out would be nice too. When i get my energy back. December will be fun. I feel sad. I love brianna still but i know she no longer loves me the same way. I dont want what our relationship used to be. When i felt like she was disgusted by me. I don't know what i want. She rather be with an abusive asshole then me. Some how i'm worse then him. Which hurts to think about. I don't want to be someone she settles for when things get ruff. I feel such sadness. She's being treated the same way she treated me. This just hurts. I need to distance myself from herself. It keeps hurting me the closer she gets. Im frustrated. Every time her relationship with Maclean goes a little bit south she leads me on a little more. When her relationship with Maclean is going well i'm her "homie" or "bro". I really want to let go of Brianna. She isn't who i need to be with. She can't leave me for some other guy, and when that goes south come running back. I'm not gonna wait for her, I'm want and actual loving relationship, i want to be actually wanted not just settled for if her other guy doesn't work out. I need to distance myself from her. I need to just remain friends with brianna. I don't know what the right choice is. Do i fight for Brianna and try and get her back? Or do I let this sort itself out? Will I wanna even be with Brianna a year from now? Who will she even be? Who will I be? I have trouble trusting her. She left me for someone else. She wasn't attracted to me during the later part of our relationship which was excused as sexual disfunction. Seems pretty functional now. It hurts to think she left me for someone like him. Maybe i deserve better? Maybe she didn't deserve me. Who or what do any of us actually deserve? It still stings to think about all this. Or to feel it rather. The best way i can put this is that this would be Briannas Karma. While we were together she kept Maclean in the back of her mind, kept connected with him. Parking at his house, texting cute thank yous. She is far from innocent. She pushed me away maybe consciously or unconsciously. But her intent her inner feelings were for Maclean. I could tell her love was a lie. There was no love first of all. Just words. Empty words. She wasn't attracted to me. I never herd "your hot" never felt desire or saw that look in her eyes. How can either of us ever be together again anyways? She doesn't love. She receives but never gives. I can't remember a time where i felt her being loving towards me. Only this brutal, cruel anger. Maybe i knew all along that I deserve someone better? Or maybe Brianna needs to grow before we can resume things? Maybe more distance is the thing that truly brings us back? If we are twin flames that is. I'm done questioning these possibilities. Focusing on the things I enjoy and being at peace is more important. I need to hold my stance better with Brianna. I can't just let her use me as a crutch when she's down and get nothing in return. This friendship is one sided. Our relationship was one sided. She never pursued me. She always wanted to be pursued. I'm tired of feeling like I need her. I don't, or at least I don't want her like that. I want to be wanted. I want someone to look at me with love. And she hasn't done that in years. For some reason I have this feeling that if or when i do actually find someone, brianna will come running back and try to be with me again. From the realization that i'm not in her pocket waiting to be used when ever she needs. It's more so a test of my own self love. To i give into brianna or hold true to myself and new relationship. Obviously this is just conjecture and i have no idea if brianna would actually react this way. I just feel that she would. I feel like i've lost the will to love. The desire to try. I saw a cute girl at booster juice today and did nothing. Could have complimented her socks or something but no. Nothing. Am I supposed to do something? Do i try for everyyyy girllll i see? That's exhausting. So Maclean and Brianna are over again. But not to worry Brianna obviously has someone else to run to. She kissed and slept over at Macleans friend Jordans house. The moment i read that it really confirmed where me and here are. I feel like i'm just some pocket change for her. She'll see other guys but always keeps me strung along so she never has to be alone. It makes me sick. I don't want to see her. She just constantly hurt me. And she obviously cares nothing for me. I need to rid myself of her she is aweful for me as a friend or more. This whole still friends thing hurts me too much. I can't stand her. Who she claims to be and who she is. She isn't worth my time. God i hate my inability to let her go. What is it? Why do i desire and person like her. One who treats me like shit, cares nothing for me, and only takes love but never gives it. I'm just sooooo done. Ugh I feel so lost, so alone. I don't know what love feels like. I'm hurting. I have no one in my life that cares. Brianna isn't a good friend. And i have feeling for her which my this more complicated. She's all infatuated with this Jordan guy. After all the leading on she does. She just keeps me in her pocket. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to just escape. Run some where like linden is. Work is going to be stressful because tyson is rearing to go where i'm all burnt out. I wish i had someone to talk too that actually cared. Games seem irrelevant now as well. Gym is difficult to be motivated. Friends are non existent. I don't know what to do. I'm sad I'm going to propose an idea to brianna. The idea of a casual relationship. Just be lovers to one another. It would allow me to express my feelings for her without attachment. To actually feel the love i have without denying it. Because being just friends is too hard. I have to hide these feeling I have.