#maybe next doctor's appt i can get an allergy test

[kentadventures-blog]

Post Natal Depression ... admitting I need help

What a whirlwind 2017 has been ... October 2016 saw us add to our beautiful family ... we welcomed Ezra Matthew into our world and what an incredible moment that was. Unfortunately things were not going to be straight forward for him or us as we adapted to life as a family of 4 ... I mean going back to having a newborn baby and night feeds and sleep deprivation was hard enough but throw in silent reflux , cows milk protein allergy and some other issues which we are still having investigated and it has made for an incredibly stressful 5 months of his little life ... I had hoped to wean off all my pain medications shortly after my c section recovery was complete at 6 weeks but with Ezra being uncomfortable and having issues feeding and puking I felt I needed to stay on my meds to enable me to function each day. For a few months I was tearful and down but just put it down to exhaustion and being a mum to a newborn and a 6 year old ... and it was just the odd bad day when I felt I couldn't cope but then the next day would be slightly easier despite the issues Ezra was facing. Dealing with him screaming while feeding and being awake a lot in the night in discomfort and being unsettled in the day time ... add in the puke and the screaming when not feeding ... and not being comfortable sleeping in his cot so having to sleep on someone or in the pushchair whilst walking ... then trying to juggle school runs, time with Eli and all other household chores and life seeing friends it all became too much for me and on Mother's Day I spent the entire day in a daze or sobbing uncontrollably and my incredible husband admitted he was really worried about me ... it was then that I realised my good days were not as frequent as the bad days ... I feel helpless ... lonely ... not able to cope with the screaming ... not able to cope with my own health issues and pain whilst trying to be the very best mum to both my boys ... not being able to be the best wife I can be to my husband ... for the last 4 months I have just put these feelings to one side and brushed them under the carpet and put it down to exhaustion and adapting ... but on Mother's Day I could no longer push them under the carpet ... I faced it head on and admitted that maybe I am suffering from post natal depression and I need help. It was hard to admit as I felt like a failure as a mother and a wife ... like somehow I was admitting defeat ... surely I should be able to cope with everything ... how can I not manage a 6 year old and a baby when so many others and friends can do more than 1 child and be absolutely fine ... why was I finding it so difficult ... I was reminded that I am not just dealing with a 6 year old and a baby ... but chronic pain , a 6 year old ... a baby who is not well and everything else life has to throw at me ... so I am not admitting defeat and I am in no way a failure ... but for this particular season I just need a little extra help and support in whatever way that is needed is absolutely ok ... Today I called my doctor and she was lovely ... I took the telephone appt call whilst doing a shop in Morrisons - so found a quite corner in the bread aisle and sobbed down the phone as I tried to explain how the last 5 months have been for me ... how I faced constant pain day in day out on top of managing a tiny human with all his issues and manage life with 2 kids ... she was superb and has agreed for me to have some medication and then see me face to face a week Friday ... I immediately felt brighter knowing I had admitted I needed help and then the doctor listening to me and seeing a way forward ... baby steps ... I called my mum Sunday evening and she arrived on Monday night and is here to help with whatever needs doing for this week ... she is amazing and I feel so blessed to call her my mum and that she would literally jump on a plane and fly down from Edinburgh to help me when I am desperate is a real blessing to me ... I hesitated asking her to come as she has only had 2 weeks with my dad since he's retired and finally moved up to Edinburgh having lived here for 18 months ... but I was assured it was absolutely no problem at all her coming down if that is what I needed right now ... So what next ... Well ... we await results from a test Ezra had done on Monday - I should hear this week from our consultant ... his medications seem to be helping a little but he is still in some discomfort somewhere and is never really settled in the day or night ... he screams a lot and sometimes out of nowhere ... Eli continues to be an incredible big brother ... he is kind and compassionate and despite listening to his brother scream a lot he is so helpful in looking after him if I need to get something done ... they already have this wonderful bond together and Ezra adores Eli and vice versa. Nick ... my wonderful incredible husband continues to work so so hard in London and supporting us as best he can ... loving me and encouraging me every day ... smiling at me when all I can do is cry or shout and scream with frustration... reminding me that it will all be ok one day and we just need to take it one day at a time ... For me ... I have started the medication in the hope it helps me feel better ... I know it's not going to be an instant fix ... that I need to breathe deep every day to get from beginning to end ... I need to learn to say no ... I also need to learn to ask for and accept help ... I have found it really hard to release Ezra to anyone else with all his little quirks and issues that I know so well I find it hard giving him to someone else to help out ... but I need to learn to do so and allow myself time to breathe and focus on me for a little while ... I have the support of my wonderful GP ... my parents ... my wonderful husband ... some fabulous friends who love me despite crying a lot of the time and turning up with my screaming child ... It will get better ... it will get easier ... this is just a phase ... there is a light at the end of the tunnel ... I can't quite see it yet ... but I've been told it's there and it's coming soon ...