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#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my
opens-up-4-nobody
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9 months
Text
The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.
#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there
#im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold
#at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire
#theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade
#of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about
#the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc
#its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a
#metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm
#just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long
#sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone
#its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it
#everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much
#damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i
#collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells
#me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my
#wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im
#excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it
#feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun
#is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's
#what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy
#but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire
#unrelated
#hm i should maybe add a tw to this
#tw self injury
#but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life
#but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it
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