#mistakes i couldn't undo (amara musings)

[bladeshowers]

Attributes

[bladeshowers]

HAPPINESS. — being unable to stop smiling. laughter.  bear hugs. happy tears. waving arms around.  dancing. contently sighing. eyes twinkling. laugh lines.  childlike playfulness.   skipping. talking more.  affection.  cracking more jokes than usual.  gesturing more when talking. higher pitched voice.  squealing.  jumping around.  clapping.

SADNESS. —  tearing up.   self hugging.  one-arm cross. an aching chest.  scratchy throat.  a runny nose. turning away.  deep breaths. quivery smiles. crying. infantile sobbing.  hands gripping each other or an object.  covering mouth. puffy eyes. eyes appear red.  voice breaking.  a distant or empty stare.  monotone voice. asking for comfort. faking a smile. crumbling. shaking. whimpering.  depression.  abusing an unhealthy habit. withdrawing from others.  big teary eyes. doing something even if it could hurt them.

ANGER. — furrowed brows. baring teeth.  passive-aggressive comments. avoiding eye contact.  sarcasm.   headache. sore muscles. hiding clenched fists. irritability.  jumping to conclusions. raising voice. going silent. demanding immediate action.  keeping it all in until exploding.  body tensing. making risky decisions.  middle finger.

FEAR. — wanting to flee or hide. what-ifs.  images of what-could-be flashing in mind. uncontrollable trembling. rapid breathing. screaming. a skewed sense of time. irritability. keeping silent. denying fear. turning away from the cause.  pretending to be brave.  nail-biting.   lip-biting.   scratching skin.  a joking tone but a voice that cracks. fainting. insomnia. panic attacks.  exhaustion. substance abuse.  tics.  rushing adrenaline.  face draining of colour.  hair lifting on the back of the neck. feeling rooted to the spot.  making body as small as possible.  staring but not seeing. crying. a shrill voice. whispering.  gripping something or someone.  stuttering.  flinching at noises. pleading.

EXHAUSTION. — eyes.  mood swings.  hallucinations.  calling people by the wrong name.  dizziness.  denying they’re tired.  slow blinking. trouble concentrating.  stumbling.  leaning on a doorframe for support. sluggish movements. falling asleep someplace that isn’t a bed.  becoming irritated by the smallest things.   “i’m awake, i’m fine.”  shaking so bad they spill their drink. fall asleep in their clothes. lay their head on the table because they’re so tired. passing out.

Tagged By: @ahkmourn  Tagging: @souls-of-arcadia (fandaniel), @seatedsacrifice (if u wanna), @valebatcattus​, anyone else who wants to do tha thing.

[bladeshowers]

let me assign you a love language

AMARA  -- violent devotion 

Everyone seems to think you are faithless, but the thing is you haven’t yet found someone who will bring you to your knees and make you raise your head in reverence. This world has stopped bringing you joy, you want more of the divine. You want to dedicate your entire existence to someone; you want to make them realize they are not something terrible, make them see just how much beauty they are bringing to this world. You want to be the only one for them, the only one they have chosen to love. There’s a god shaped pit inside of you and only they can fit in it. And what if they choose to walk away? Didn’t I say this was violent devotion?

EVAN --  a knife called grief

You have left your house, you have left those people behind, but what are you going to do about the memories which have taken root in you? You can run but not without them. You want someone to sit with you on this cool marble floor while the sun burns everything. You want them to cut your rotten heart and theirs too. You want to sit with it in front of you, let them see you with all your flaws, which haven’t been your fault but you have been made to believe so, and you want them to love you anyways. Because you know you’d do that for them.

ARDBERT --  an undoing influence

Can someone tell you what to do? You have been carrying so much love within you for so long it is starting to turn into anger (why does it matter, all you see is red anyways) and you have been dragging this body through each day and every night you are split open on your bed and it is so so so lonely. If someone were to walk in while you were on your bed that way and they stitched you back in a new way, lining the seams with their love and kisses, you’d probably find this dreary world a little more bearable. You want someone to turn you over and over until you look in the mirror and see yourself looking back at yourself with a gentleness which has been lacking in you since forever.

[bladeshowers]

RELATIONSHIPS  — TALK ABOUT THE MUSE.

NAME: amara silverthorne / ceres novus / rhea ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: bisexual  RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single *(verse dependent obvs. ceres’ main verse she’s with souls-of-arcadia‘s Amon as most of that verse/time period of her life is built around that specific au.) FAVOURITE CANON SHIP: uhh...oc’s/wol’s don’t really have a canon ship?? sweats. I have my head canons/preferences for certain things as Amara & her previous iterations definitely has a type. That type is usually “not good for her” or “step on me”. FAVOURITE NON-CANON SHIP: Amara has a huge crush on Almet from the First. DOES THAT COUNT AS NON-CANON SHIP?! I don’t know what counts. Also Sidurgu, Hilda, and Granson. UHH yeah idk. I would ship her with most canons or characters if the circumstances were right? Even traditionally antagonistic characters...because honestly she gravitates more towards them. Though Aymeric and Haurchefant make/made her swoon. Also like everyone else, WoL/Hythlo/Emet, or any combination there of?? also seatedsacrifice has made me a big fan of elidibis/wol when I had never considered it before :) OPINION ON TRUE LOVE:  Amara doesn’t really believe in it. She kind of believes there are multiple soulmates for everyone and it’s more about when and where you line up. (I do have certain rps with certain individuals where soul mates are a thing we’re playing with. Both the canon timeline, ancient, and aus. But obviously this isn’t true outside of stuff with souls-of-arcadia ahsdjkas.) OPINIONS ON LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: She believes in lust at first sight...Which is something she experiences fairly frequently. she’s quite open with her physical desires towards others. Ceres was also this way. rhea was much more discreet with her affections, but she was always content to jump into physical things before allowing someone to gain access to her heart. HOW ROMANTIC ARE THEY?: Mixed bag. She can be exceptionally romantic when she wants to be and the inspiration is sparked within her. Generally though, she is very physically affectionate, which is how she shows her love. Her other thing is trying to get thoughtful gifts, but that can also be hit or miss. She tries, truly. Ceres was more romantic when she was alive and enjoyed very traditional things like flowers, being the one to sew her partners clothes, cooking meals together, etc. Rhea was hopelessly romantic but didn't get to indulge in it as often as she would have liked. IDEAL PHYSICAL TRAITS: Taller than her. Conventionally attractive??? Though that’s also a guess since that can be up to interpretation. She does gravitate towards dark hair.  IDEAL PERSONALITY TRAITS: Stubborn. Egotistical. Manipulative. Intelligent. Sly. Confident. Loyal. Dependable. Passionate. UNATTRACTIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS: I - *makes face* *gestures wildly and shrugs* Her attention gets caught by physical appearance and stays depending on how someone treats her specifically. As long as someone treats her halfway decently, gives her a ton of attention, and doesn’t cross her own personal moral lines, she’ll usually look the other way of less than ideal traits. IDEAL DATE: She has two though they’re really variations of one another. The first would be someone cooking her a really lovely meal (or taking her out for food), giving her a massage or bathing with her and cuddling. Lots of skin on skin it makes her happy. The other would be going out for a picnic in a really beautiful but secluded area and just gazing up at the sky and talking or going swimming together. DO THEY HAVE A TYPE?: Bad for Her (TM). AVERAGE RELATIONSHIP LENGTH:  UH she wants to be with someone forever once she actually falls in love with them. But she generally has not been in a long term relationship before. Same is true for Ceres and Rhea. PREFERRED NON-SEXUAL INTIMACY: Cuddling with or without clothes. Also just bathing together. She enjoys it immensely. COMMITMENT LEVEL: Barnacle. OPINION OF PUBLIC AFFECTION:  She’s not a huge fan, weirdly. She’ll accept some, brief kisses, pecks on the cheek, maybe a pat on the rear here or there. The only one she truly likes is someone placing their hand on her lower back. It's kind of a possessive touch, and she likes feeling it.  PAST RELATIONSHIPS?: Mostly one night stands and crushes unless plotted otherwise. Which I don’t think I’ve plotted an ex’s thing yet which saddens me. I love that. XD

tagged by: I stole it from everyone off the dash :DDD tagging: whispers EVERYONE

[bladeshowers]

I’m playing through ARR again on Amara to go throughout the entire story to A: Refresh, B: Maximize my icons.

Thancred; I’ve been following you since you left Ul’Dah. Amara:  👀 that’s a little uh Thancred: Rambles about her deeds - and I must admit I’m quite taken with you! Amara: WELL IN THAT CASE - NOT CREEPY AT ALL.

w h y 

[bladeshowers]

Very Brief 6.1 Thoughts (TM)

Every time something bad or questionable happens I look for a way to blame the Allagans.

90% of the time its the Allagans.

Evan: WOOHOO ADVENTURE -throws everyone under the bus-

Amara: Oh my god not fucking again I just want a vacation UGH FINE. -mostly professional but will forever tease Yshtola-

The differences between my lovely oc’s is fun sometimes :’D

[bladeshowers]

Kissing: tongue or no tongue? [all!]

Evan: Start with no tongue and work your way up to it. Amara: Tongue Ardbert: Work your way up to it most of the time. Unless he's in a mood TM. Kalli: No tongue Ysh: No tongue The rest of them aren't gonna kiss kiss easily or ever :'D

[bladeshowers]

Amara at the event just like:

Astrid: *Volunteers her* Amara: I didn’t say I wanted to help - Astrid: Yeah but Lisette -  Amara: Is right and knows what she’s doing more than you. Everyone: So you’re helping right? Amara: I mean I guess - Lisette: Well I’m going to go embrace the spirit of the season Amara: You’re going to get laid. Just say it.

[bladeshowers]

Cocobani: Yes, the scepter is certainly a lethal instrument of death. Your death, you valorous fool! Remember the first chapter! We do not close distance with our enemies!

Amara: 

Does it anyway.

[bladeshowers]

CHARACTER STUDY. 𝑇𝑅𝐴𝐼𝑇𝑆 & 𝐶𝐻𝐴𝑅𝐴𝐶𝑇𝐸𝑅𝐼𝑆𝑇𝐼𝐶𝑆

EYES: blue  |  green  |  brown | hazel | gray | gray-blue | other

HAIR:  blond | sandy | brown | black |  auburn | ginger | grey / white | multi-color | other

BODY  TYPE: skinny | slender | slim | built | curvy | athletic | average | muscular | pudgy | overweight

SKIN:  pale | light | fair | freckled | tan | olive | medium | dark | discolored

GENDER:  male | female | trans | cis | agender | demigender | genderfluid | other | doesn’t like labels | don’t have any definite headcanon either way

SEXUALITY: heterosexual | homosexual | bisexual | pansexual | asexual | demisexual | other | unsure | doesn’t like labels

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION:  homoromantic | heteroromantic | biromantic | panromantic | aromantic | demiromantic| unsure | doesn’t like labels

EDUCATION:  high school  |  college  |  university  |  master’s degree  |  PhD  | other 

I’VE BEEN:  in love | hurt | ill | mentally abused | bullied | physically abused | tortured | brainwashed | shot

POSITIVE  TRAITS:  affectionate | adventurous | athletic | brave | careful | charming | confident | creative | cunning | determined | forgiving | generous | honest | humorous | intelligent | loyal | modest | patient | selfless | polite | down-to-earth | diligent | romantic | moral | fun-loving | charismatic | calm

NEGATIVE  TRAITS : aggressive | bossy | cynical | envious | shy | fearful | greedy | gullible | jealous | impatient | impulsive | cocky | reckless | insecure | irresponsible | mistrustful | paranoid | possessive | sarcastic | self-conscious | selfish | swears | unstable | clumsy | rebellious | emotional | vengeful | anxious | self-sabotaging | moody | peevish | angry | pessimistic | slacker | thin skinned | overly dramatic | argumentative

LIVING  SITUATION:  lives alone | lives with parent(s) / guardian | lives with significant other | lives with a friend | drifter | homeless | lives with children | other | verse dependent

PARENTS  /  GUARDIANS: mother |  father |  adoptive | foster | grandmother | grandfather

SIBLING(S):  sisters | brothers (1) | none | other

RELATIONSHIP:  single | crushing | dating | engaged | married | separated | it’s complicated  |  verse dependent

I  HAVE  A(N):  learning disorder | personality disorder | mental / mood disorder | anxiety disorder | sleep disorder | eating disorder | behavioral disorder | substance-related disorder | PTSD | mental disability | physical disability

THINGS  I’VE  DONE  BEFORE:   had alcohol | smoked | stolen | done drugs | self-harmed | starved | had sex | had a threesome | had a one-night stand | gotten into a fist fight | gone to hospital | gone to jail | used a fake ID | played hooky | gone to a rave | killed someone | had someone try to kill them

tagged by: @ahkmourn​

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do the thing!

[bladeshowers]

Not too shabby!

[bladeshowers]

💐 - all muses?

For each   “ 💐 “   I receive, my muse will tell you one thing about their ideal dream wedding

Ardbert is a small wedding kind of guy. Probably something in the forest because that's definitely his vibe. Woodsy & green. Though he could also go for the mountains in front of a lovely view.

Evan is also a small wedding kind of gal. Probably in front of a pond/lake/stream. Something watery. It calms her for some reason.

Amara is more likely to have a larger wedding. Even if it was on the smaller side at request of her partner it would likely be very ornate and grandiose.

Kalli would likely get married in the Sanctum of the Twelve like in game weddings. That’s very much her jam.

Hydaelyn/Venat wouldn’t marry ever aslkdjlke. Same for Zero and probably Y’shtola?

[bladeshowers]

Which Planet are you

VENUS

You’ve always been in the shadow of someone else and it’s something you know you’ll never be able to escape. You feel like you’ll never manage to live up to the person you’re supposed to be and nothing you do is going to be good enough - it’s just good enough to scrap by. The harder you try, the harder you fall, and you’ve fallen from the pantheon, darling. You’re lost in knowing where to go when you aren’t trying to be better than something, prove that you’re worth it; it’s become an obsession much in the same way bracelets become. Pieces you wear like armor in public to hide how you’re adrift in a world that didn’t wait for you.

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do the thing!

[bladeshowers]

Once stripped clean, what's at your core?

fractured glass -- amara

no amount of orchestrated class is ever going to hide the fact that you’re doomed to be alone. you’re a puppet, you’re a weapon, but most importantly? you’re a fraud. your facade isn’t malicious, but that doesn’t change a thing. everything in your life is in your control now, and you chose to let yourself become stiff and distant. you’re guilty of everything you blame yourself for, and your misfortune is the fault of nobody but yourself. your selfish nature forges you into a man-made monster, so quick to blame and so desperate to escape consequence. i hope that you can become someone you’re proud of soon.

flightless bird -- evan

the thought of your found family is what motivates you in your own little world. you touch the clouds, and the soil gives way under your footprints... this is utopia. if you were to erase one thing, it would be your memory. experience is important, but ignorance is bliss. identity, in heaven, should give way to happiness. you'd give anything just to sit by the swings and eat ice cream, but this isn't that kind of world. you have to get up and wash the dirt off of your scraped knees. i think you have an escapism problem.

warped metal -- ardbert

it's not working out the way you want it to. no matter how hard you try to look scary, the very picture of karmic retribution, your efforts will inevitably fall short. you're out of place here, a broken doll and a used marionette. there's nothing to gain in pretending you can't be hurt like anyone else. there's nothing to gain in pretending you aren't human, that you're made of twisted steel and distorted memories. embrace your humanity. embrace your vulnerability. give in to trust.

spun gossamer -- venat

the easiest thing to do is stay quiet when something’s up. you’re not bothered, and you know what? you shouldn’t be! it’s none of your business, even when it’s entirely your business. it’s difficult (read: impossible) to tell if your cheery demeanor is a cover-up for something sadder, or if it’s simply your natural state of mind. you see a lot of things: people coming through town, people leaving the house and never coming back, lies and deceit of the highest degree. what happened to you? will you ever be that kid again? your presence smells like cotton candy, and your fingertips sparkle like stars. whatever white rabbit you’re chasing isn’t going to lead you to wonderland if you don’t start reaching out when you’re not feeling okay.

[bladeshowers]

Which type of love interest would you be in a dating simulator?

The sarcastic fuckboy who secretely has a heart of gold

Upon first meeting you might seem insufferable, but it's only because you don't have time for what others might think of you. You're independent, confident, and you know what you want. That intimidates people, and you know it. But deep down you know it's all a show. You desire to be loved as much as any other person, but you don't want to get hurt and thus it's difficult for you to appear vulnerable to others. You'll try to mask your feelings with humor and aggressiveness when you feel someone might be getting too close to home. But those who have the patience to endure your cold exterior will be rewarded with the most caring and loyal person in their lives. You're the ride or die kind of type.

Tagged by: @theblackestnlght

Tagging: Anyone who wants to do the thing.

[bladeshowers]

WHICH TRAGIC CHARACTER FROM ANCIENT GREEK LITERATURE ARE YOU?

medea

you are medea from from the argonautica by apollonius and medea by euripides. you are ambitious, ruthless, and unforgiving in getting what you want, and unapologetic in your self-preservation. the truth is, you have let your romantic ideals get the better of you before, and time and time again you have had to relearn how to build up those walls and thorns that guard it. the only person who can protect you is yourself, and you have learned that the hard way. sometimes stoking that fire of hate and anger in your heart hurts more than whatever you're fighting against.

Tagged by: @ahkmourn​! thank you 8D ima do ardberts in a separate post ehehe Tagging: Anyone who sees and wants to do the thing 8D