#my dad broke his tooth opening them w his teeth. but it worked for years so maybe that. my teeth r stronger they could survive

[queennicoleinboots]

Day 7 of Xara and Peter's "Curse"

A/N: Unedited

Xara's smartphone refused to stop playing Irish Rock. It played steadily for 15 minutes before Xara answered the phone. Joebear was growling at the phone.

"Fuck you, too! What the FUCK IS THIS E-mail?!!!!!" Peter W. Parker screamed over the phone.

"Hello... that E-mail mentioned appointments and beatings. Why are you screaming at me?" Xara asked sleepily. She was incoherent and grumpy.

"Because I can't fucking wait until Wednesday! My mother is sick and can't cook. And because YOU, you fucking bitch, cursed me, I can't fucking cook, either!!!!" Peter yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Couldn't you order out?" Xara said as she yawned.

"No! I tried that! The food ends up all fucked up. Why the fuck did you do this to me?!" Peter yelled as something slammed in the background.

Joebear growled, rolled over, and went to sleep.

"I didn't mean to! It happened because I can't handle stress. I'm sorry, Peter," Xara said as she got out of bed and went to get coffee. She was cursed. Waking up to anyone, much less Peter W. Parker, screaming at her over the phone was the worst possible way to wake up.

"Neither can I! I can't stand the taste of food anymore. I can deal with peanut butter and bananas, but that's about it! Why the fuck am I cursed?!" Peter screamed as he was beating his fist against a table.

"Because you were tainted with my poop. Sorry," Xara said as she was heating a cup of coffee for herself.

"Oh Jesus. That makes sense. Goddammit. I have had fuck luck all my life, but this is unreal!" Peter said as he put his head in his hand while holding his black flip phone tightly against his considerably small head.

"True," Xara said before she heard the microwave beep at her. She took the coffee out of the microwave, sat down, and had a sip. "I legitimately did not mean to do this to us."

"Well, it happened. Please talk to the Giant NOW and make an appointment TODAY!!!!" Peter yelled before he snarled. "If I have to look at another jar of peanut butter, I'm going to turn into an ape!"

"Okay, Peter. Jesus. It's too early for this shit, Peter!" Xara said as she drank her coffee.

"Fuck you. You're not the one with fucked-up taste buds. Call him NOW, or I will (or won't) disable your already malfunctioning BRAIN!!!" Peter yelled.

"Yes, Pete," Xara said as she stole Peter Parker's trademark sigh.

"Good. Bye," Peter said as he slammed the parts of his flip phone together. Peter then took a paint mixing stick and started beating the table until it broke.

When the phone had hung up, Xara said while singing to DarkSydePhineas's remix "Megaman's an A-Hole," "He's a fucking ass. He's a fucking ass." She continued to drink her coffee before she called The Giant. "Fuck me."

The Giant answered the phone with a bellowing voice. "What the fuck do you want?!"

"A lot of things, actually, but my main priority is magic spices. I can't wait until Wednesday. I have an important dinner coming up and need them TODAY! It just kind of sprung up. May I have some, please?" Xara asked.

"I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ANY! My supplier is late on his delivery, goddammit! I used it all on Saturday!" the Giant yelled over the phone.

"Are you fucking serious?!" Xara asked with an exasperated sigh.

"YES I'M FUCKING SERIOUS!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?!" the Giant screamed.

"I don't know, dude. I'm just fucked right now! I have this big dinner, and I can't cook because I'm fucking cursed," Xara said.

"Goddamn right you are. Your shit's affecting me. Instead of going about our scheduled meeting, I have to go find this leprechaun and beat the shit out of him until I get the magic spices! Jesus God!" the Giant said. "Because that's what the fuck I want to do. Leave my lair in the sky and hunt jackasses. This is bullshit."

"Dude, I understand. I don't want to deal with this shit, either," Xara said. "Damn."

"But I have to for the sake of magical sanity. See you next week! I am cancelling all my appointments," the Giant said.

"See you next week," Xara said.

The Giant hung up the phone and threw it clear out of the window on the other side of where he was. The phone landed on some other poor fuck's roof, probably the Keebler Elf's roof again.

"Jesus Christ!" Can I make love to a woman without hearing some bullshit hit my roof?" asked the Keebler Elf who was only wearing his green elf cap while his butt was sticking out of the sheets. He was on top of Lady Smurf.

When the phone was hung up, Xara shuddered and took a deep breath. "Peter is going to go ape shit," she said to herself as she dialed his number.

"So, did you get that appointment today?" Peter asked with a goofy smile on his face.

"Um. No. Not only that, but he cancelled everything this week. He's on a hunt," Xara answered.

"Oh what an asshole!" Peter yelled as he threw his hands in the air.

"Well, Peter, he ran out of magic spices, and his supplier is late on the delivery," Xara said as she put her head in her left hand.

"Oh what an asshoooooole!" Peter sung.

"Yeah, it's bullshit," Xara said.

"You're an asshole," Peter said flatly.

"I know. I'm sorry... We'll have to be patient and deal with this curse," Xara said.

"Yep... but until then, I'm going to go outside and go ape shit," Peter said as he spoke through clenched teeth.

"You go do that. I'm going to go get ready to *not* deal with your bullshit," Xara said.

"Thank you. I want to massacre you," Peter said darkly.

"I know," Xara said.

"See ya," Peter said.

"See ya," Xara said.

Peter slammed the two parts of his phone together. "I'm surprised this phone isn't broken yet," Peter said. As soon as he opened his mouth, the phone broke in pieces. Peter just stared at the remnants of his once-proud flip phone with his jaw dropped. "Yep. I'm going ape shit now."

At that moment, Peter stood up and starting beating on his chest rapidly with both fists while jumping up and down like a literal ape. He was making ape noises similar to when his novels done turn. Out the way he wants them.

When Peter was a normal human being, he was a writer, actor, artist, and drywall finisher. But when he was acting like an ape, well... under Xara's curse, he was literally transforming into an ape.

His hands and feet were growing even bigger and more muscular than they already were. His nails were becoming thicker, and his brown curls were getting thicker and longer. His teeth were growing inside of his mouth, which was also growing with a full set of pink lips to boot. Speaking of teeth, Peter now had a massive underbite with one large saber tooth at each bottom corner of his mouth.

In fact, his whole head and torso (and dare we say his penis, testicles, and ass) were becoming encased with a large amount of muscle density.

His radiant green eyes grew in proportion to his now large head, which meant his glasses broke off of his face. The only thing that remained somewhat small despite his new proportions was his pug nose.

His legs were now muscular and even longer than they were before. He used to be 7'4," but now he was "8'6" even with his back curving like an ape's would. His arms were also elongated and muscular like a typical ape's arms.

A side effect of his transformation was that he outgrew all of his clothes and was completely naked. Luckily, he grew a bunch of hair where apes normally have hair, so his man junk wasn't too obvious for people to see.

The clothes he was wearing were torn in shreds and were lying in a pile on his screened-in back porch.

Peter looked down and freaked out. "Holy Shit! I'm actually an ape!" he screamed. Then he smiled and shrugged. "But at least I have an excuse to only like bananas now."

His mother, Godiva, walked over slowly and hunched over because her back was killing her to see what the commotion was outside.

Peter was worried that she would freak out, so he tried to hide.

"Peter? Where are you?" she asked as she looked for him.

"You sure you want to know?" he asked with a deeper voice than usual.

His deeper voice subconsciously made her smile and bat her blue eyes. "Absolutely," she said a bit more seductively than she should have.

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you," Peter said with his deeper voice.

She really wanted to find her son then, and maybe plant kisses on him when she does. "Okay," she said with a giggle.

Peter emerged from his hiding place to greet his mother. "Hi, Mom," he said in his deeper voice.

She stood there dumbfounded and with butterflies in her stomach. She breathed heavily and stared at him softly, "Oh wow...." Something about his ape form really mesmerized her.

"Yeah, ummm... I don't really know how to explain this," he said with a booming laugh.

She laughed as well. "I didn't ask you to," she said as she walked up to him with a better posture than she was able to maintain all day. She had forgotten all about her achy back when she saw him.

"Good... because I have no idea how it happened..." he said with an awkward smile.

His awkward smile really drove her wild. If he weren't over three feet taller than she was, she would have totally kissed him right then. She came closer to him and touched his right arm. "I still love you no matter what you are," she said as she looked deeply into his eyes.

"Thanks, Mom," Peter said as he hugged her.

Godiva leaned into his hug and rubbed along his sides. Peter pet his mother's head softly.

"Do you still like your back scratched?" she asked as she was trying to hug around him. Her body was tightly wrapped against Peter's.

"Yeah, but I feel bad asking for it from you, considering all you do for Dad," Peter said as he looked into her blue eyes that were behind leopard-print glasses.

Peter's father was Jamie Parker, a 84-year-old retired man who still wished he could work. He installed drywall for a living and generally worked out of Atlanta, GA. He typically worked 80 hours a week when he was working.

Jamie made a nice life for his family and made it possible for Peter to be slightly spoiled. Generally, Jamie was a nice guy, but he had a disconnect from his artsy and feminine son. He was definitely fond of Peter, but being a conservative Republican fundamental Christian, he struggled to understand his liberal Democratic agnostic son. Truth be told, Jamie made more attempts to connect with Peter than Peter did with his father.

Unfortunately, about 16 years ago, Jamie fell out of bed and broke his right hip. He was now bound to a wheel chair and could barely do anything for himself. His wife now takes care of him full-time.

Godiva started scratching Peter softly. "Peter, you're my son. I'd do anything for you." she said softly as her delicate hands moved up and down his back. "Besides, I love scratching your back." She kissed his chest. The taste of his gorilla scent was driving her wild.

"Oh well... I wouldn't want to take any attention away from Dad... in his delicate situation and everything," Peter said as he rubbed her back softly with just his right hand.

"Oh please do!" Godiva said as she continued to scratch his back. She could feel herself start to feel younger when she was touching him.

She was transforming into her younger self. Her hair was turning from gray, short, and straight to brown, curly, and long. Her skin was becoming more vibrant. Her back became straighter, and her clothes were fitting around her newfound curves in flattering ways. Her blue eyes were becoming more vibrant and her lips a more pure pink. Her nose was pointier just like she was when she was 54 years old.

Peter looked down at his mother, and his jaw dropped awkwardly.

Godiva was a bombshell in her younger days. Her 36B-cup breasts complimented her perfect hour glass waist and hips that were the same circumference. Her floral top brought attention to her chest and her pull-on jeans hugged her waist tightly.

"Maybe I might have to take your attention away from him after all," he said with a big smile as he fingered one of her curly strands and looked her straight in her bright blue eyes.