#my life could be so much more healthy and well-balanced if I didn't have roommates

[daisywords]

.

[someoddway]

At least im not empty

Ts been some time since I've been here. Pretty sure no one reads this, but still, it is a good way to keep track over myself and to connect with my inner child, or perhaps the real me.

I have been feeling empty, or rather numb, lately. Work, life and health has been going real well, but still I knew there was something missing. It's been around 3 years since my last relationship, which at the moment felt more like a routine than what I used to picture a relationship would feel like. At the time, I believed that is how a healthy relationship was supposed to feel like once it reached a certain level of maturity, but I was wrong. The relationship ended on a good note, at least for me; haven't cried over it, and I have never felt like I had to or needed to. But that is when I started to open my eyes.

It was around July 2021, the relationship was over, and I didn't feel a thing. That led me to believe, and I still believe to this day, that it was for the best. Just lost the only person I talked to since I had no social life at the time (due to her always feeling unsecure about anyone that approached me), however I don't blame her, it was my own comfort zone. I did what I believed to be the normal thing to do and called a friend that I knew was living around the same city I was at the moment. We met and I met his roommates. I had no goal at the time, I just wanted to get high and/or laid. After some days of hanging out, I got to spend time with one of his roommates at a party. She was a girl from the same town as us, and she was pretty attractive as well. At that time I got the "bounce" effect which led me to have a little crush on her, it felt intense but not as something that could ever be more than a hookup if I was logical about our lifestyles. Winter came, we met again at our hometown and that is when my crush ended, by me. It was obvious there was no interest from the other side, and by that time I already wasn't feeling like fighting a loosing battle. I wouldn't say I got heartbroken, yet it still was an unpleasant feeling. So I did as advised (maybe I will get into detail, maybe not, the memories are still there) and created a tinder account. Which ended up to being the downfall part of this story.

Starting 2022 I began using tinder, as well as bumble. I had the advantage that I lived in a very big city with a lot of people, and that me being foreign made me somewhat attractive. The first time I matched with a girl I didn't even knew how to approach her, I was saying shit that would end the conversation instantly, but she kept it going (one of many lessons I learned during this downfall). Everything was going well, we hooked up every weekend for around 2 months, but I didn't felt like she was someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. So it ended. No heartache, so I just went back to tinder.

Around May 2022, that is when I could say it actually started. I had matches, they would come to my place, or I would go to theirs, maybe watch something, drink or maybe something else, do it and never talk again. Sometimes they would still try to reach me, however I ended everything as soon as possible, or even ghost them (yeah I know, shitty, but eventually I pay). It all became a bit of a routine, like going to your favorite restaurant every week, this was to satisfy a need as well without having to rely on my hand.

2023 began and not much changed. Other than tinder, I had actually started going out with friends more, I pushed myself towards being more social. Kept hooking up with women that I felt attracted to, but didn't like at all. Around September 2023 I realized everything felt into balance, or so I believed. I had a pretty good routine, good friends, but my "goal" felt a bit forced to me. Talking with some childhood friends, I realized that my future plans are not the same as a goal, or a purpose. So I started questioning myself and my lifestyle. I believed there was something wrong, but I didn't feel it to be that bad. I couldn't create new bonds; at first it startled me, kept me awake at night, however also due to the introspection that I had been doing I convinced myself it was ok, and even planned ahead on how to live like that. In summary, I felt at peace, with a bittersweet feeling of believing that by then I was uncapable of love. I was an empty, peaceful man, pretty much a NPC at life.

Entering winter 2023, I came back to my hometown (which is where I'm currently writing this) with no plan to hook up with anyone, just enjoy spending time with everyone. Days felt so much longer here, and I loved it, we party, visit new places that I didn't know about, met new people, I was truly living and not a single week had gone yet. I have 2 main groups of friends that do not mingle very well among them, however I decided to join them for the holidays as one group would leave on the first week of 2024 and the other would stay. That day that I decided to group everyone, we got a call. It was from 2 girls we knew since childhood, they were stuck, and we went to help them. They were sisters, I hadn't seen them in over a decade, but they didn't change much, or at least the older one didn't. The younger sister I hadn't seen in even a longer period of time, and she had become quite a woman. At first, I didn't think much about it, but since that day we started hanging with both of them. The days were so fun, and I started catching up with how the sisters were doing. One day after Christmas we went to a party; nothing special it was a bit fun, however I noticed I was hanging a bit more with the little sister than usual. We left the party early to get some drinks for the "after", we stored them at the girls' mother's house which was only being inhabited by the older sister at the time, and the younger sister decided not to go back to the party. The older sister went to sleep early as she had to work, so It was just the younger sister and I in the same couch waiting for our other friends to come over. Our two other friends arrived, we drank and played some games, until we were just chilling back at the couches again. The younger sister was leaning towards me with closed eyes, but still trying to keep conversation, so I started caressing her head. Our two other friends decided to leave once they saw that picture. After an hour or so this girl started hugging me and getting closer, I just kept the head scratches going until suddenly we were face to face. She leaned in, and I followed, we started kissing softly, yet with an intense demeanor. We decided to move to a larger couch and take the next step. I wish I could say it was the best sex ever, but it wasn't, I felt really attracted to her but felt nervous as if her sister would wake up. We were going for a while and I started getting pumped, however her sister woke up, made a bit of noise, we dressed up and just snuggled on the couch. We slept for around 2 or 3 hours before we left each to their home. This time I messaged her directly, and we talked a bit, but nothing too big. At first, I felt like I wanted to do it again, but it wasn't that. We met again 3 days after to get coffee and run some errands. We got coffee, took the dogs to the park, and then go and deliver beauty products she sells. Furthermore, we just happened to deliver them to the girlfriend of one of our friends. She said that she thought I was the little sister's boyfriend and that is when I thought about it, that I could see myself with her. A day passed, and we got together to drink wine and watch movies with 2 other friends, and this is when I felt in love, and in confusion. The night was going well, but she wasn't as close to me as I was expecting her to be, yet in the end she went and lied next to me. We snuggle the same way as that other night, however when I leaned to kiss her, I got denied. So yeah, I felt in love with the one that was going to treat me as I treated the other tinder girls. Cant be mad over my own karma.

Right now, while I'm writing this, I don't know where I stand with her, or that is what I want to believe, maybe. I can't know if I just can't be logical due to my feelings, or it is actually hard to understand. I have 5 more days here, I wish I could spend them with her, but I know I won't, at most I could get 1 day, maybe 2. My current relationship with her is not nearly as close as I would want it to be, but still I'm ok with that. I will leave, she will stay. I will know about her due to our common friends, she will meet someone new, I will cry, but I will still be happy. Likewise, I will be happy that I'm still capable of love, I have a goal to create an environment around me as the one I wish I could give and share with her, cause even if I know it will not be her, if I ever found love again, I want to be enough. Not for the person, but for love itself. Because I believe that love, which is now attached to her, can be attached to someone with the same love for me.

I didn't win this time, I probably paid a bit of harm that I've done. But if there is anything salvageable, it is the treasure of knowing that at least I'm not empty. I am still capable of love.