#my mental health is just on a rapid decline at the moment and i'm so sorry i haven't responded to asks

[taetaespeaches]

public breakdown/announcement:

hi lovelies,

It’s no secret that I’ve been on here way less than in the past. Part of that is due to a rollercoaster of mental health status, and part of that is guilt over what I’m about to say. And that is, I don’t know if this fic writing thing is working for me anymore. I used to have so much fun doing it, it was seriously such an enjoyable hobby. And now, it’s gotten harder and less enjoyable to write. And that sucks so fucking much to say. 

I don’t know if it’s because of my mental health or because it’s just not the same anymore, but after nearly five years of doing this it’s just not as fulfilling or enjoyable. I’ve been trying to renew my passion for it since late last year and usually breaks would help and I’d come back stronger than ever. That hasn’t happened yet and I think it’s time to admit to myself that the spark may simply not be reignited.

I want to keep using my blog because I am still very much in love with bangtan and  I still want to use this space to chat with you all. But I think I’ve felt guilty coming on here without feeling the same love for the fics, and I feel especially guilty about coming on here but not posting writing. For those of you who send asks, I’m sure you’ve noticed the delays or lack of responses altogether, and I think it’s due to my guilt. And still mental health declines but guilt too. So I think I need to reclaim this space as one where I can use it how I want without the guilt.

I know the longterm couples have served as comfort for many of you, and I feel awful that I may not be able to provide that anymore. With my life where it’s at right now I just don’t know if I can keep doing this. I’m so tired and I’m so unstable at the moment, and I’m just so so sorry to you all.

At the end of the day it’s just fanfiction. But it’s been a blast and I know it’s important to many of you, and it is to me too. So I’m heartbroken posting this but I just think it’s time to let you all in on how I’ve been feeling.

Any fic writer knows how much time goes into this hobby. It’s a commitment, and I’ve tried my best (though I’ve failed often) to provide at least one fic every week. Maybe I’ve burnt myself out and killed that passion. Who knows. But I think it’s time for me to dedicate some time elsewhere and see what other things I might enjoy. And maybe further down the line I’ll get the urge to write fics again, and if that happens, you guys will be the first to know. But for now, I just have to release myself from the self-inflicted pressure of doing this.

I’m sorry. Thank you for all the support over the years. I’ve had so much fun with you all, and I hope some of you will choose to keep hanging out with me on here with or without fics. I’m so thankful for all of you, whether we’ve become friends through this blog, or we’re mutuals who just share affection for one another- even if it’s from afar- or if you’re someone who has just been a supporter of the fics. I love you all. 

love, liv🧡

p.s. I will definitely keep all the fics up so please don’t worry about not being able to access them. They’ll always be there. And I’m sorry for making this much too long long but we all know I’m wordy :/ 

[gpsoftun]

I just don't know anymore. The X-movies are so troubling rant-tacious. So many asinine, needless choices. Why can't I forget them? My kingdom for a telepath.

Grand.... Princess

ATG:..... Professor X?

Prof X: Yes, my dear, it is I.

Did you really think we would allow you to spiral into the dark place alone, oh frustrated feline?

ATG: WHAT?! Magneto, you're here, too?!

Magneto: Alas, my inclination for a theatrical entrance makes my punctuality shy of your Professor's.

Prof X: Your mind is much too troubled, dear girl.

ATG: I know, okay? I take these stupid movies too seriously.

Prof X: If only those behind the camera would do the same. No, you're troubled because you know the truth.

Magneto: We are not those cinematic caricatures that have smeared our names since the turn of the century.

Prof X: Magnus is no spineless serial predator.

Magneto: And it takes a fool's mind and a liar's tongue to decree Charles Xavier the villain of any story.

ATG: I know, right? I don't understand how hardly anyone gets how twisted these writers are.

Prof X: Because whatever talents you possess, the ability to turn off your brain is not one of them.

Magneto: Similarly, you cannot simply switch on your downstairs brain like certain other.... Zealous fanatics.

ATG: Oh, you mean the Wolverine action fanboys and the slash fangirls.

Magneto. Yes.... Are they aware I've fathered four children?

Prof X: Magnus, please do not reason why with the same people who all too giddily pair a teenage boy with his adult mentor if both are relatively attractive.

Magneto: How you retain hope for the current generation I'll never know.

Prof X: Don't you see what's really going on here?

Magneto: The disaster of days of future past, that abysmal apocalypse, that disrespectful dark phoenix. What- or whether who- is the common denominator?

ATG: Kinberg.

Prof X: Yes. Simon. Kinberg.

ATG: Simon Kin.... Whoa, wait.... Simon Kinberg is the Shadow King?! That untalented dork?

Magneto: No, the late great Stan Lee really did intend the X-Men as an allegory in favor of anarchy and the underlying irredeemable evil within all holocaust surv- of course he's the Shadow King, daff girl.

ATG: But.... What?! What was the point of any of this? They try to show white men as the villains, but they only wind up demonizing the so-called marginalized groups. And none of it even matters because nothing improves and the world ends horribly.

Prof X/Magneto: Exactly.

ATG: Come again?

Magneto: There is no profit to be had from peace. War is an economic boost, audiences soak up drama, and civil unrest keeps the propagandist media well fed.

ATG: That's worth ruining classic franchises, rioting, and stirring up decades-old hatred?

Magneto: Mere casualties in the grand scheme.

ATG: .... It's not going to get any better is it?

Professor X: Only much worse, I'm afraid. The cinema reflects it well. Haven't you noticed the pattern? The sprinkles of joy and promise in First Class and apocalypse, only to be followed up with unrelenting despair in days of future past, logan, and dark phoenix.

ATG: So, that's it? Hope is dead?

Professor X: No, but that is what they desperately want you to believe. Between the rapid rise of technology and the drastic decline in mental health, mass consumption and conformity are achieved with minute effort on the part of industry giants.

Magneto: They had you for a moment there, didn't they? Your chapter updates are practically nonexistent.

ATG: It's not like that. These last few years have been really busy-

Magneto: Exactly as you wanted it. You thought you could escape it through productivity. To the detriment of your body and mind.

ATG: Escape what?

Prof X: The pain, dear. First Class left you so dazzled, you wound up writing what may be your longest work. Building a community with all kinds of people from across the globe.

Magneto: Until the sequels arrived. Even prepared for the worst, you were nowhere near ready for the hurt they caused you. Even worse, seemingly the entire fandom gobbled it whole. Charles haters, misandry....

ATG: Okay, it is not that serious. They're just stupid movies.

Magneto: Recite that mantra until you're Mystique in the face, child. Maybe you'll eventually convince yourself.

ATG: Why are *you* even here? Don't you have an apologist to prey on?

Magneto: And there it is. What was done to Erik Lehnsherr was so wretched, you tried to push me, the real Magneto, away.

ATG: No, I didn't.

Magneto: Really? Where we first met, your beloved 90s series, you only very recently could bring yourself to revisit it after, what, five years or so?

ATG: So, you're the telepath now?

Magneto: Silly girl, we've been with you all along. You thought Michael Fassbender would be the fully realized version of me. He was supposed to set things right, wasn't he? Make amends. Protect Charles. Uplift you.

ATG: No! I don't care.

Magneto: Don't flatter my cinematic disgrace by mimicking his lies. He failed you, didn't he?

ATG: Yes.

Magneto: A wound you could not understand and most certainly not voice. Who would hear you out? Even if someone would, they wouldn't really care about your pitiful obsession. You didn't fit into this fandom. You still don't.

ATG: I'm not here to fit in. Mocking McKellen doesn't come with cool street cred.

Magneto: That Shakespearean ham wasn't fit to don my boots, let alone my helmet. Michael Fassbender didn't fail. The studio failed him. They don't have a clue as to who I really am. But you do. Ever since you were a little girl. Michael alone did not inspire hundreds of chapters from you.

ATG: How do you know?

Magneto: As if you don't already have the answer. Was I ever contemptuous towards Hank McCoy?

ATG: No. You tried to break him out of jail. You let him visit Asteroid M.

Magneto: Would I honestly prey on a woman? Choke them? Try to kill them?

ATG: Never. You loved your wife and your daughter. You helped Rogue, Storm, and Jubilee against the sentinels. You kept them safe. You were so happy to learn you had another daughter out there.

Magneto: How do I treat my fellow mutants?

ATG: With respect, even the ones you don't agree with. You'll fight them but never use excessive force. You were so good to them on Asteroid M.

Magneto: Would I publicly assassinate a politician or pull off another ridiculous spectacle to put mutants on government radar?

ATG: No way. If you believed a homo sapien death was necessary, you would do it in private. Reluctantly. You only went public to free the mutants and take them home to the asteroid.

Magneto: If given the opportunity, would I eliminate the entire human race?

ATG: Ha! You would never sacrifice the innocent along with the guilty. You got in Apocalypse's face on that one.

Magneto: My son?

ATG: He rejected you at first, but you stopped a major plan to go help save him. He went into your arms and you thanked God for him. You likely made up with Wanda, too.

Magneto: And what of your Professor? Am I his abuser? A parasite? Appear only once a decade to torment him?

ATG: That is such bull! You're opponents but respected colleagues; best friends; brothers. You'll drop anything to meet him in the middle of nowhere if he needs you and he'd do the same for you. If you can't save his life, you'll likely end your own trying.

Magneto: Precisely, Princess. You know the truth and you have all along.

Prof X: You thought you were pushing past your hurt feelings. But they only continued to build. You were too unwell to express them until recently. Now, all of that ill will is flowing straight to your fingertips. Your rants and musings, shared with the world without shame.

Magneto: As you identify with Charles and others with me, there are those who also absorb the real villains. There's many a shadow king plaguing the world.

ATG: Especially now. I'm just worried I can't keep this up. That I'll withdraw again.

Prof X: You won't heal entirely overnight. But you've already taken the first steps on the road to recovery. Don't allow your own mind to imprison you. Continue reaching out to others.

Magneto: We all have different gifts. However, none of us are permitted to horde them solely for ourselves. Write, ruminate, and write more.

Prof X: You articulated it well just the other night. If we must die, it will not be on our knees.

ATG: Thank you, Prof. Magneto- you're decent also.

Magneto: And you need to get posted then to bed.

Prof X: Let's aim a tad higher than four hours of sleep tonight, shall we?

Um..... Charles' Angels Unite 😇

[jeontaeil-archived]

welcome to charlie's 2:45 a.m. ramblings which she believes important enough to post on her main instead of being cryptic on her rant blog/journal.

i would like another moment to be brutally honest with y'all because i'm starting to notice something and i'm not exactly proud of it.

i have always had a rapid growth of followers and i've seen the results of it through interactions, not only with my works but also with me in general through asks and whatnot.

however, for some unknown reason, it has come to my attention that as my following continues to grow now, the amount of people interacting with me regularly is steadily declining.

only a month ago, i'd only have to ask for hard hours once, and my inbox would be full for a good few weeks. but now, despite asking for the same almost three times in the same day, i'm met with nothing.

"i was about to say isn't charlie's inbox always dry," said elyesa earlier today. this sudden change in the frequency of interactions has been quite noticeable, and not just to me evidently.

now some of y'all might think i'm being greedy for interactions. "think about the smaller blogs," one anon had said the last time i complained about an empty inbox.

well here's why this matters so much to me. my motivation for this blog is solely driven by interactions. i love answering asks and talking to people about things that sometimes aren't even related to kpop or writing. seeing that little dot at the top of my inbox fills me with a joy that compares to nothing. when i'm having a shitty day or need a quick break, i always turn to tumblr, expectant to interact with everyone, and it is so rewarding when that eagerness is reciprocated.

as i was typing this up i got an ask and it honestly made me feel very hypocritical about thinking like this in the first place. however i still want to let all 5.6k of you know what fuels my passion for staying with this blog instead of ditching it and starting afresh like i've wished to do so many times before. interactions give me something to look forward to everyday, something to help blow off steam, or distract me when life's being a little bitch.

to those of you who attempt to give my annoying ass attention, thank you so much. i appreciate every single one of you. now that i think of it, this post is sort of like a cry for help because my mental health hasn't been the most stable lately. i know i'm not the most likable person, and as a lot of you have pointed out, i'm also not the most approachable. but ya girl craves interactions online to make up for how quiet i am irl (that doesn't even make sense and look at how i literally contradicted the entire purpose of this post).

anyways, i'll conclude whatever bullshit this was right here because idk how to say what i wanna say in the best way possible. it feels nice to be able to actually type this up and post it instead of deleting it like i always do because i have a bad habit of ignoring or invalidating my own feelings.

- charlie s.

[blxck-parade]

alright fuckers who wants to hear the shitty fanfic my life has become

So there's this boy.

I've known him for as long as I can remember.

We've always been really good friends; I mean, we had to be. There was no one else at church for us to hang out with. His parents were friends with my parents so we always saw each other outside of church too. At one point my mom even started dating his dad (they were both divorced). We were in the same school system, but we went to different elementary schools until we had to move into the middle school. Even then we didn't see each other, though, because we never had classes together. I eventually stopped going to church, but we never fully lost contact.

Then eighth grade rolled around.

Now, for the first half of seventh grade I was a remote learner because of quarantine. Needless to say, it sucked. My mental health went in such a rapid decline, not to mention the descent of my grades. I've always been the gifted kid. The moment I got back into classes, however, I started doing exceptionally well again. English was still a struggle, which was weird because I was gifted in reading. Anyway, I got through seventh grade and now I'm stuck with the annoying, prepubescent eighth graders of my school, only now I'm not doing it alone. I have three classes with my childhood friend: orchestra, gym, and science.

For the past six months I had been dating this incredible girl, and a couple of days ago, she broke up with me. She said she lost feelings. She already has a new boyfriend (coincidentally, he's the ex boyfriend of my best friend). We're still friends, though.

That's when I realized I had developed very strong feelings for my friend. To thicken the plot even further, the Halloween dance at my school is less than a week away, and my friends all think he's going to ask me out. According to them, these things prove he's planning on asking me to the dance:

1. He randomly asked me if I was going with anyone. (I'm not, I'm just meeting some friends)

2. He's always talking to me about the dance.

3. We were talking in science one day and for some reason he was talking in an Australian accent. While in the accent he said, "You know, I love this accent because I can say 'darling.'" My dumbass started blushing like crazy because I'm a rat for pet names, and when I later explained to him why I got so flustered, I saw him smile to himself.

4. He never talks about romance or relationships to me but does to his other friends. ("hEs HiDiNg HiS fEeLiNgS fRoM yOu" -my friend Linda) He also just started reading The Fault in Our Stars.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

I decided to ask him if he was going to the dance with anyone. "Yeah, actually," he responded. My heart dropped a little, but I decided to keep going. I found out he was going with our friend, and I was confused because I remember her specifically telling me she was a lesbian. I asked him if it was a "date" date or just as friends, and he said it was just as friends. "Oh, okay I was just kind of confused because she's a lesbian haha," I said, to which he replied, "Oh, so you haven't heard?"

Apparently our friend has a crush on him.

And so does he.

But, in all fairness, I wasn't very clear when I asked him if he liked her too, so he could have thought I was asking if he liked her as a friend. He doesn't know that I like him, so things are still really awkward, but I guess we'll see what happens? Luckily we're going to be seeing each other a lot soon. We're going trick-or-treating together, I'm inviting him to see a play with me, and we're in drama club together, plus the dance, so maybe something will happen? I'll keep you all updated on the story! (I'll tag all the posts relating to this under "shitty fanfic life")