#my mind played that stupid whistle song thanks internet

[kalxdesai]

Confessions of a Broken Mind||Therapy Session

TW: Addiction, Substance Abuse, Death, Suicide, Lack of self-worth, Family Disownment, Medication, Language, Some smart-ass comments (it’s basically everything and the kitchen sink) 

Ah therapy the one place where Danny felt like he could just BE and not be judged. His therapist, one Matthew Davis, had been in Danny's life for over a decade, the two had such a familiar relationship the older man could take simple cues from Danny and know what to discuss, what to drop and what to push. Today, like most days, he was dressed casual: a pair of relaxed black jeans, an Atlanta Falcon t-shirt, sneakers, glasses and as always a pen and notebook in his lap. While this clothing choice may have seemed unorthodox for other patient and doctor relationships, Danny and Matt had established by then clothing was not the high point of their meetings. Usually. "Did you wear that shirt just to piss me off?" Danny asked after a few minutes worth of silence.

A smile played on the other man's lips before a quiet chuckle left his mouth. "No, if I wanted to do that I would have worn an Eagles shirt. Or the Phillies. Or the Heat. Or the Penguins." He flashed Danny a charismatic smile, leaning back in the chair that faced the couch where Danny sat. Matthew had a Mel Gibson look-deep set piercing blue eyes, a mound of brown hair that tended to have a mind all it's own, a slim but firm upper-body, a clean shaven face that was pretty close to perfectly symmetrical. Danny rolled his eyes but couldn't hide his own smile as he looked at the man. There's roughly a minute or two of relaxation before the notebook is opened. "So, how are you?"

While this sentence alone may seem broad, Danny has the shorthand down. "Uh...life hasn't changed much since the last time I saw you. Sleep is still for shit, but it's been that way for so long I can't remember what REM sleep is. Everyone is doing as well as can be..." He let out a breath of air and shrugged. "Sorry, Martin Riggs I am not" he said and gave a tentative chuckle before he looked down at the carpet. "Was there something specific you wanted to ask me? Or something specific you wanted to know?" It had been one thing back when Danny had first fallen down the rabbit hole of addiction but now with the help and support system he was determined to stay clean. He had too much to lose.

Matt's eyes were scanning the notebook, the pen twirling in his fingers. This suited Danny just fine, it was one of many reasons he preferred being the last patient of the day and Matt was more than willing to accommodate, he was either the one patient for the day or the last one. Anything else put him on edge. But now they could be relaxed with most of the day behind them they could take their time and be as at ease as they could. "It's been nearly two months since you lost your father. How has that been?" Danny raised an eyebrow but waited a minute as he reached in his pockets, feeling the chips in his fingers, his own touchstone to the real world as the one he was in could often distort and contort the realities of life.

"My parents...Being raised by them was kind of like being raised by terminators, their actions were dictated by a gain and loss margin, everything they did was calculated and for a specific reason. If they had a checklist it went like this: meet, check, courtship, check, marriage, check, offspring, check, take over the world" he finished and laughed again, brushing some hair out of his eyes. "I can't recall the word love being used, not by my parents, or my grandparents, or anyone else really, it was always fall in line, follow the rules, etc etc." He held the chips still firmly in his pocket, looking down for a minute before he finally looked up again. "She didn't even look at me, not at the funeral, not at the will reading, not a glance, not a single acknowledgment, I mean, I'm not surprised given our history but it's unfathomable to me that someone could be so cold. And for that matter if you aren't raised to love, knowing what it is, how do you learn to love? How do you love, period?"

A silence passed for a few minutes before Matt looked up from the notebook. "You had love-your brothers, all your friendships. May have not seemed like a lot at the time but it was love in it's own form. In a perfect world, all kids would be born to parents that loved them unconditionally and they would come at a time when life was just right for their appearance. But as we know life is far from perfect so stories like you and worse are fairly, sadly common. As for how someone can love if they are not raised with it, well, you may have not been raised by caring parents but it didn't stop you from growing up into a person that cares, the circumstances that you are born into do not have to dictate your own life." He stopped again, his head tilted as he thought for a minute. "You managed at least four relationships, unless the internet lied to me so despite what you weren't raised with you manage to love, no thanks to your parents and that is all you. Tell me about it."

Danny blew out a sigh and nodded. "Well, aside from some juvenile crushes when I was a kid, nothing really serious back home. I came to Cali and was too busy to considered dating, not that that was a real possibility or anything. In this business if you don't look like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, good luck, you have to take whatever is given and fight tooth and nail for a role you really want. Girls too man, I wasn't like those other idiots running around with hundred dollar bills in my back pockets, throwing them at anything and everything, no, like the song says mo money, mo problems. Anyways, Odessa was my first serious everything, well, first everything really...Pathetic...Here I am all these years later still gone. It was your typical teen love at first and well...Then it wasn't. Parenthood is hard enough for adults but for teens that are far from ready? A whole other beast. It didn't matter what our relationship status was though we had the same goal and that was raising our son the best way we could. Uh...my first relationship after that came when Wyatt was about two or so, I was completely upfront about my past, never hid it but in the end she was uncomfortable that I was always going to be in my son and his mom's life so that ended after about five, six months." Danny stopped for a minute to catch his breath. "One-night stands were few and far between with me, between work, Wyatt, staying clean, I was busy, well, that and I didn't like the way I felt in the morning. My next relationship was about a year and a half, um, she didn't care that I had a kid and an ex, not the way my first ex did, um, it was a nice relationship overall but at some point we realized we were better as friends. Weird when that happens after sex but hey" he said and shrugged. "And then came the most serious one, it lasted for three and a half years. It wasn't perfect, of course, nothing is, but it was really special. I mean clearly it was, it's not like I propose to just anyone. But she ended it and that was that. And then Odessa and I fell back into our old ways, had Heather, Brock and well...stay tuned is all I can say for now."

Another lapse of silence, Matt wrote in the notebook, Danny stood and stretched, the drive alone had been long enough and then to resort back to sitting was a bit of a pain. Sitting back down, Danny faced the other man. The dance was nearly over, it was a similar one each time he came, it may have varied on and off depending on circumstances but mostly it followed a simple pattern. Once more Matt was carefully turning the words in his head before he spoke. "Hollywood is a hard business, for some, impossible, and yet, you keep on logging your hours and taking whatever jobs you can. Why?" Now it was Danny's turn to sit and think, turning his words before he answered.

"Like I already said and this shouldn't surprise you or anyone for that matter: Whorewood, excuse me, Hollywood, is for the beautiful ones, or the wealthy ones that can buy their way into their business or worse the ones who are only famous because mommy and daddy are famous." He scoffed and shook his head. "My whole life I have felt like an outsider, like I didn't belong anywhere. But when I discovered acting, it was like a door to a new world had opened and I wasn't the shy, awkward, and just plain stupid Danny. I was anybody I wanted to be other than me. And that was incredible. I love it, I live for acting so while it might not be the easiest career opportunity, because if it was, let's face it, everyone would do it. I'm an underdog and that's okay, it just means I have to try harder, work harder. It's also why I root for the underdog teams" he said and shrugged once.

Matt nodded once before speaking. "You are far from a loser, Danny. Addiction is a monster that has ravaged countless people, it's destroyed lives, families, claimed lives, the numbers are staggering. And yet for every person lost, there is always someone who survives and thrives. You are one of those people, Danny, everyday that you are clean and sober and staying on the right path proves just how wrong you are when you say such disparaging remarks about yourself. Everyone in the world is a little broken, not everyone shows it and not everyone admits it but no one is truly happy or sane or normal. And that's fine, it's called being human and the one thing that we as humans can do is be the best version of ourself we can be. If you can look at yourself in the mirror at night and be content with the face staring back, then keep up whatever you are doing, and if you don't like the face staring back, sit and think and change what you don't like. Your life, whether you know it or not, means a lot to people, it may not be a lot of people, but there are people in your life that love you, care about you and want the best for you. Keep fighting and staying alive for them."

Danny whistled. "Woah Nelly I'm not sure what I said that made you think you had to like talk me off a ledge but I'm fine, at least in that respect. I take my meds, see you, my sponsor is on speed dial, if I get myself into a bad situation, I get myself out of it. Believe me I know that people are dependent on me, it's one of many reasons I keep going. One day at a time, that's all I can do, just take life one day at a time. I'm not trying for much here, I just...Want to be happy, that's all. But I guess if happiness came easily you would be out of a job" he added which made them both chuckle. Standing, Danny once more stretched and dug his keys out. "Same time, same place?"

Matt nodded and finished writing out the script, handing it to Danny as he too stood. "I upped your dosage-you may be okay with not sleeping but I have an issue so let's try and fix that." Danny shrugged and put the paper in his pocket, facing him again. "And yes I an a Falcon's fan-and a Brave's fan, and a Hawk's fan but my personal favorite team, if I had to pick one-Atlantix oh yes my personal favorite team." His face is impossible to read before he breaks into a grin and laugh, Danny flipping him the bird but chuckling with him as he heads out into the afternoon.

[cat-sophia]

Happy 27th Captain Swan Day!

Hello My Dear Friends!

This Sunday lets talk about @welllpthisishappening - talented writer, one of this amazing, brilliant people that helped me survive this last few months. Her fics are not only perfect stories about Emma and Killian but also she create this whole verse full of characters that we fall in love to - creates this big, happy families for Emma and Killian.

Tripping Over the Blue Line  (1st chapter on Tumblr) she wrote this year for @captainswanbigbang - is about hockey (you really not need to know anything about this sport to enjoy it - i know almost nothing about it) and love and family. It’s hard not to love everything about it - if by any chance you did not read it - try - i promise it’s perfect. (and we have sequel promised)

Out of the Frying Pan (Tumblr) - Emma, Killian and Food Network all-star cooking competition - wonderful story with food (will make you hungry) and family (including Swan Jones Family) and you should also read two short additions to this verse -  It’s a Funny Old Game (Tumblr) - where Killian plays football and Halloween special  The Anti-Pumpkin Brigade (Tumblr).

Read also You Play Ball Like a Girl  (Tumblr) - her other amazing multichapter Emma, Killian and the New York City journalism world.

And of course her wonderful short stories like Sliding Down the Hill (Tumblr) “A not-quite a Little League World Series AU” (lots, lots of Swan Jones Family feels) and But Consider This…Aliens (Tumblr) - funny and cute not quite alien (new neighbor) story and This World You Must’ve Crossed (Tumblr) about Emma and her new roommate who is not quite ghost (another perfect, perfect story - trust me).

Laura, thank you for all the feels - even the angst - thank you for all the time i spend reading your wonderful stories instead of worrying about stuff, thank you that you filled my mind with love and happiness and perfect families. 

Thank you!

edit: @welllpthisishappening fics i read after i made this post:

All Tripping Over the Blue Line one shots!

The PyeongChang Triple - continuation of Tripping Over the Blue Line - lots of happy perfect family and team moments - perfection! (also read all one shots she wrote for this stories - love, love them all!)

To Make the Season Bright - AU - “It's just one weekend. At Christmas. In New York. With everyone there. With Killian there. It's fine. Emma doesn't mind – he's always there and she wants him to be there and it'll be good. Great, even. Festive. She's looking forward to it.She just hopes she doesn't do something stupid. Like shout feelings in his face. That probably wouldn't be very festive.”

It’s the Thought That Counts - Canon - “Ordering gifts on the internet makes sense. It's just a few clicks and online sales and the presents will be there in plenty of time for Christmas to be perfect.Emma and Killian are positive.Except then the presents don't show up and it's Christmas Eve and plan B isn't so much a plan as it is just a bit of pre-holiday desperation and the entire town knows what they're up to.“

In Case of Emergency, Call... - AU "I'm your emergency contact and best friend and you were in a major accident and I'm trying to act like what happened is no big deal but you nearly died and how are you the one distracting me from it all?" 

To Grandmother's House We Go and  Whistled for Icing  - Canon, future CS 

Playing Man Down - AU Something like She's The Man. It's about lacrosse. Not soccer.

Contact Light - secret dating AU

A Fair, Even-Handed, Noble Adjustment of Things - AU “Emma just wants to do something good. Give back. Maybe get a few bonus points. Metaphorically speaking. Not the last one. That defeats the purpose of all of this. But she can’t really think straight because he keeps humming and using nicknames and stealing all the flour. And she’d give up all the bonus points she’s, maybe, accumulated by, possibly, doing good if she could just remember what his name is. This is not going the way she planned. At all.”

Heart to Heart and Hand in Hand - AU - perfect proposal

Sharp Corners and Crisp Folds - AU CSJJ’18 “It’s going to take hours. Days. The rest of her goddamn life. Probably not. That last one is a bit dramatic. But, honestly, it’s going to take a ton of time to refold all those shirts and this guy just keeps wandering around the store with, seemingly, no purpose and Emma has no customer service skills at all. Mary Margaret would know what to do. Mary Margaret is not there. It’s just Emma and the t-shirt destroyer. And his goddamn, stupid leather jacket.”

With a Little Bit of Luck - helping their best friends plan an elopement AU

Holding the Edge - Killian Jones does not want the questions. He doesn’t want the interviews or the spotlight or the sky-high expectations. Killian Jones is one heck of a comeback story. With his eyes on gold. And maybe slightly gold'ish hair and green eyes and, yeah, maybe he’s got some questions of his own.

Almost Believing, This One’s Not Pretend - They don’t grow up skating together. They don’t even want to start skating together. But then life happens and they kind of need each other so they keep skating and, sometimes, winning and, always, ignoring the questions. Because how could two people have so much chemistry on the ice when they’re just partners?

A Touch of (March) Madness - AU Emma can’t quite remember how it started or why it happened, just that it did and she wants to win. Desperately. To prove something. Probably.Or just to beat Killian. Either or. It doesn’t matter.She’s picked her teams and her upsets and she’s got a string of trash talk ready for any potential on-court situation. They’re not playing the game, but they’re playing a game and this one might change everything.

Gone the Way of the Dinosaurs - AU Emma doesn’t entirely understand the town of Storybrooke.It is, apparently, the kind of place with story time at the library and spring festivals on Friday night and unfairly attractive people with blue eyes who know all the words to the dinosaur song her kid is also inexplicably singing.She doesn’t understand the town of Storybrooke yet, but maybe Emma is willing to do a little research.

Caught in Your Light - AU Forever. It’s been forever. Or, possibly, longer.It might honestly be longer. Killian can’t remember a moment when he wasn’t hopelessly, head over heels in love with Emma. And it’s kind of becoming a problem. Because it’s been forever and they’ve always been friends, but now things are changing and traditions are ending and there’s just one more weekend.This is it. So it’s time to do something about it. In Boston. With all their friends watching. It’ll be fine.

When You Want to Escape, Say the Word - Her Royal Highness Princess Emma of Misthaven was exhausted. And bored. And frustrated. And mostly bored.She’d spent her life watching her parents save the kingdom, inspire others and, just generally, become the basis for every love story she’d ever believed. But, now, on her own trip to Arendelle, Emma hadn’t done much of anything.So, she’d left. She was going to see the city and do what she wanted. At least for a day. She just didn’t expect to run into an obstacle as soon as she left the castle – literally.

Beggars and Blighters and Ne'er Do-Well Cads - Emma Swan is just trying to make sure her kid’s birthday goes off without a hitch, but the world doesn’t appear to care. At all.Because she’s got no idea where the cupcakes are, and Mary Margaret is apparently threatening parents, and there’s some kind of pirate standing in front of her with a goddamn hook and a smile that should be illegal.The world is a giant joke. Happy birthday, Henry.

A Royal Proclamation - canon - how Emma and Killian would have done it, like telling Snow and David and all the town about the pregnancy?