#my spidey sense says 30. we'll see

[nulfaga]

finished outline. outline is 6k and demands 21 chapters. </3

[hollanderfangirl]

My Purpose |Harry Holland|

Warnings: angst, suicide attempt and mentions of death, please DON'T read if it's triggering for you

It was all too much. You couldn't take it anymore. First the breakup then your job. You had been holding on for so long, trying so hard, but it seemed as if there was nothing left to live for. You had no purpose left in this world. You had been feeling like this for months, you didn't tell anyone, just burying your feelings inside. 

You were walking home from your office, or what was your office, anyway. You were never going back there now. 

You see the crowded street, all the people who were in a hurry, chasing something, someone. You thought about all these people, who they were, why they were even holding on, what was their purpose? 

Don't they all see? Why are they so happy? You think. We're brought up to expect a happy ending. But there are no happy endings. There's only death waiting for us. We find love and happiness, and it's snatched away from us without any rhyme or reason. We're on a deserted spaceship careening mindlessly among the stars. 

You keep walking aimlessly, you took the train or bus every other day. But today you decide to walk home, or wherever you were going. You stop at a bridge on the way, usually you would come here to admire nature. You felt so peaceful hearing the roar of the river underneath, water hitting the rocks. You could hear the noise of the traffic far away and the birds chirping. The sun was setting behind you and the world seemed to come to a stop. 

You climb on the edge of the bridge, seeing the river below you. You wonder how it would be to fall into it, it'll be cold, you might hit your chest, you won't be able to breathe. You'll be struggling for life. And then poof. You'll be gone. Just like every single person on this earth eventually. 

You close your eyes, feeling the cold breeze, you try to stop your thoughts but you couldn't. In those last moments you had in this lifetime, you think about your family, your friends, your childhood, you try to think about only the good memories, your job- you loved it so much, all of your colleagues, your work you were so passionate about. 

And him. Who gave you so much love, who showed you what love actually is. Who gave you purpose, he was your purpose. But he was gone now, not literally but he turned out to be just like every other person in your life. You thought he was different. The man who showed you the world is such a beautiful place was the reason today you were thinking how cruel it actually is. You could still feel how his hands felt in yours, how his lips felt on yours. How his deep voice was music to your ears in the morning. His voice….. his voice…..you could still listen to his voice. Y/n...how he said your name, like it was the most- 

"Y/NNNN!!!" 

You get startled and slip on the bridge, you start to panic, even though you were planning on jumping from the bridge, you couldn't help but get scared when that was actually about to happen. 

A pair of hands grab you, and you realise what you were about to do, you immediately feel guilty, you were not even thinking clearly. 

"What the hell were you doing?!" Harry calls out from behind you. 

You were silent, it all happened so quickly, and you just tried to recall the last 30 seconds. You feel the goosebumps on your arms and even though you were sweating, you felt cold. So cold. 

"Y/n oh my god, oh my god. Are you okay?" he says again but you still couldn't say anything. "Come on, I'll take you home. Come with me," he picks you up and takes you to his car. 

You were silent all the way to his house. You didn't even have any thoughts to think about. You were still shocked and processing what happened. It was like you weren't even yourself for the past few hours, you didn't feel like yourself even now. Your mind was completely blank, you were feeling absolutely nothing when your ex boyfriend just saved you from killing yourself and was now driving you to his house. You weren't happy, you weren't mad, you weren't sad. Just nothing. 

You enter the house which you called your home for two whole years. Everything was still the same, except it was a little messier. You knew Harry couldn't take care of the house all by himself. The only feminine products you see were yours which you had left behind. So he hasn't been with anyone else ever since too, you think. 

You sit down on the bed which you both had shared and you feel a sense of belonging, like you were finally starting to feel emotions again. 

"Here…" Harry hands you his hoodie, careful not to touch you. "I'll just go and make dinner, pasta, right? It's- um it's your favourite" 

"I don't want to eat" 

"Okay" 

He sits down beside you, not saying another word. You look at the bedside table and see a framed photo of you both, you were smiling at the camera while Harry was kissing your cheek. He still kept this photo. 

"I lost my job," you say slowly. You finally spoke after who knows how many hours. 

"Oh…I- um.. I'm so sorry, y/n" 

"I didn't know what to do. I was… . so...and- " you break into tears and Harry takes you into his arms. With your head on his chest, you cry out all of the distress you had been feeling for the past few hours. Days. Months. Ever since you had left him. Every single moment was hard for you. 

"It's ok, it's ok. I'm here for you," he caresses your hair and kisses your forehead. "I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry y/n. I was such a dick, I- I didn't even know what you were going through. I didn't even understand that you needed me" 

"It doesn't matter now. What we had is in the past" 

"It matters to me! It… matters ok?! I almost lost you today! I would have never forgiven myself if something happened to you!" 

He was also crying now, you didn't know you meant this much to him. You thought he wouldn't even care. 

"Please don't….don't ever scare me like that okay? I was fucking scared" 

"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking, Harry! You have no idea what these past few months have been for me, I try to forget you but I can't. I just can't! And now, the job that I loved so much is gone, it's gone!" 

"Then don't" 

"Don't what?" 

"Forget me. Don't forget me, you know it was a stupid argument. We should have never broken up because of it" 

"It wasn't the argument, Harry, it was what you said" 

"Well just like you said, I wasn't thinking at that time" 

You both sit in silence for the longest time, you felt relieved that you let your feelings out, you let everything out, even though you were crying and were sad or whatever now, you were just glad that you were feeling something. 

"Can we go back?" you whisper. 

"Where?"

"To us" 

"Yeah… god, yes, yeah. Yes please" 

"Okay"  

"And we'll find you another job, okay. Even better than this one, don't worry about that. And don't ever think of doing something like that, okay? You are more important than anything else" he was holding so tightly you felt like you would break, but you preferred this to anything else right now.

You slept in Harry's arms again after what felt like an eternity. You promised to yourself that night that no matter how hard life got, no matter what happened, you were going to live. You would find purpose again and live. Just live. 

We always think that being happy is all you need in life. That chasing happiness is life's ultimate goal, but you can't choose when you get to be happy. It's something that is not in your hands. But having a purpose will help you get through the darkest of days, the most hurtful sorrows.

You felt peaceful for the first time in a long, long time. You had found your purpose, he was your purpose.

___________

A/N: I'm not trying to glorify suicide or anything, it's a very serious topic and please know that whatever happens, nothing is more worth than your life. No matter what happens, there is always someone out there who will never ever forgive themselves if something happens to you. Please let your feelings out, talk to someone you trust, believe in yourself. Everything will be alright.

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