#not even touching the nightmares. i cant stop thinking abt everything when i'm awake but it's so much worse in my nightmares all they are
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#m#........................................#.............................................................................................................#...........................................................................................................................................#realized i haven't posted update here on my Second Public Diary#how many tw/cw does this even need. christ#anyway. at the point where i'm going 'when do you call a hotline?'#but also. if i get a therapist will they like. forcibly institutionalize me#i'm so terrified of that lol#oh well. i get home and i will consume all the alcohol in the house i was saving to celebrate#i have a bottle of expensive shit that was for our anniversary. how sad is that#all at once until i'm out -> go buy more -> repeat#what kind of a special hell am i living in lmao#i'm either quitting and breaking a lease and moving with no job disappointing and letting down my whole library#or staying in an apartment that isn't mine in a life half mine in a town not mine paying too much and drinking + medicating myself to sleep#every night (since. you know. i cant sleep without some kind of intervention now)#not even touching the nightmares. i cant stop thinking abt everything when i'm awake but it's so much worse in my nightmares all they are#are him and us and what we used to be and it's so painful or it's violent and heartbreakingly tragic and horrible#of course i can't stop taking the sleeping pills bc then i don't sleep at all so the nightmares are just. inescapable#besides the fact that where i am is it's own special hell which i always was aware of but at least we were together and friends were here#a small town that's racist and homophobic and transphobic and lonely as FUCK how am i supposed to do anything all my friends are leaving#it's so so horribly lonely.. real fans will remember the last time it was this bad i got PTSD that lead to 'fractured ego states' so.#cheers to seeing how this one will end up. god#in the limbo of not wanting to be alive but not wanting to be dead either. sigh#i hate that adult life has consequences all i want to do is be able to run away#and tell someone else to deal w my stuff and clean it up / out and get rid of it#all i want to do all i want to do. i just want to run#jesus#jesus..#pitiful
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