#off my rocker onto my soapbox let's go

[yaoi-yaoieverywhere]

Cale Henituse (nee Kim Roksoo- god that is so funny to say it like that) and his experience with love is undeniably Queer.

I mean that in an extremely positive way as part of the Queer community. LGBTIA+, if you use that acronym. I'm not going to specifically assign a specific gender, sexuality, or romantic leaning to Cale during this conversation either. As a character in a novel he is made by and of the author and the reader's meshed experiences.

So let's visit the beginning of his story. (Spoilers for the novel, if you haven't read it.)

Kim Roksoo was a (so far unnamed) kid whose body was stolen as a very young child by The White Star and 'infected' with his curse which was maintained by the God of Death. His mother, clearly depicted as loving him, is not enough to save him. His soul then traverses into another universe and is born again. His parents love him there too. They die too.

Kim Roksoo grows up in a world where everything he loves falls away. Something about his being is unexplainably repelling those he thinks of with love in whatever way it can manage. Simple job opportunities as seen with his social workers all the way up to stripping others of joys until they abuse Roksoo as seen with his uncle. If nothing else works, death is their end instead. Similarly, it can be read further that even things he loves are taken from him via a deliberate lack of worldly possessions and later marveling at the taste of food once he transmigrates. This is not just Beacrox being an excellent chef- even a simple fruit he picks has him drooling at the taste. But, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Roksoo has yet to become Cale.

The apocalypse happens. This doesn't appear to be Roksoo's fault, exactly, but it certainly trails all the damage it can after his specific place in it. By the age of twenty, whether he admits it or not, Roksoo is clearly under the impression that this lack of love is his fault. Something about him has made this happen. His love. His thoughts are shaped by this guess, and for some reason, it works. It works until he can't help but feel safer and settled with Lee Soo Hyuk and Choi Jung Soo.

And then the curse sees he has loved again, that he has BEEN loved for so long, and decides they have to die. At this point, GoD has noticed and decided to nip the problem in the bud. Not by removing the curse from a child long abused by it. Not in fixing the system when it would cost him something he doesn't want to spend.

Instead, he offers Choi Jungsoo and Lee Soohyuk a chance to live... If they let Roksoo die. But, of course, they love him. You don't just let death come for someone you love if you have a say. They say no. And they both die for it. Roksoo carries that weight without crying but is unable to ever forget. To forgive himself. Not even as Cale. Not even when he knows they chose it.

Team One is the team that has never had a single death under Kim Roksoo's watch, isn't it?

At this point, you may be asking what in the fresh hell any of this has to do with being Queer. Being Queer is to have society put a crowbar between you and everything you love. Especially those that love you regardless. It can feel like loving yourself is a stigma that follows you your whole life. If left alone, without support? It shapes the very way you think about yourself and others. Love comes at an unbearable cost unless you throw yourself through three different hoops of obscurity and try not to look too hard at it. And fixing that way of thinking takes years and miles and each kind touch you could ever give.

Any reader would at least eventually agree that the way Cale thinks is intentionally contradictory and even deceitful... but to who? He is absolutely certain that Choi Han is the protagonist. There is no one who should be reading his thoughts at any point. He doesn't know yet that there was a curse, especially not that it's gone now. But subconsciously, it protects him.

(He has, in some way, just lost his whole world again. And he is convinced if he can't bury the love deep enough, it's just going to keep happening.)

But this is where the change that makes this far from a doomed gay narrative kicks in. Also, the real beginning of the novel. Roksoo wakes up as Cale. He wakes up healthy, well-off, and beautiful. Loved, as well, not that it is communicated well by any party at that point.

"It's worth a try."

To Cale though this is clearly more than 'worth a try'. This is his new Life. He loves being here. While burying his love under the layers of contradiction in his mind he grabs every opportunity at friends and family with both hands.

His story is a long one full of ups and downs as he tries to heal. Slacking, I believe he calls it, undisturbed peace where he can pretend to coalesce. But his heart only mends when he is surrounded by people who have grown to trust and love this frankly pitiful man who works himself to the bone for peace. And love. And acceptance for all. And pixie dust.

There is so MUCH about Cale that can reflect anyone in the queer community that has nothing or little to do with his misery. The transition from a body that made him viscerally uncomfortable even though many would view it as peak manhood to a body he quickly and gladly labeled as Making Anything Look Good (even himself) and promptly losing all muscle mass to maintain this idea of his ideal presentation to the world? That's body euphoria gang. It's also bucking gender roles.

The ability to categorize so many people as beautiful and lovely and good while not once hitting on or thinking of them sexually or romantically gets him in the aro and the ace community's back pocket. Hell, it can also slip him right into the bi and pan groups too. And of course, many people love the idea of him being in love with Lee Soohyuk and Choi Jungsoo at the same time, happily adding Polyamorous to that list of possible roles. (Especially considering Gender Anarchy Polyamory, which is invested in the idea that you love how you love and live with who makes you happy even if it's never more than a strong platonic bond. Even if you don't ship the three sexually, they were planning to spend the rest of their lives together on a farm. Without anyone else. That's love too.)

He just... His experiences are so lived by the community once you remove the dragons and the demonic army. Especially the way he has held on for so long in a world that just seems to hate his love. Even when clearly the people in it, individually, want him to stay and be loved back. And the fact that one day he finds himself waking up to a world that while still full of hate and vitriol in places, clearly loves him back? Learning how to trust that. Isn't that what we all want?

So yeah, I said at the start of this I wasn't assigning Cale an identity, but you know what? Cale is Queer. Even if you believe or the author believes he is straight and cis and romance inclined, he has lived this experience of love being punished, so he is ours.