#one day im going to actually make a spellcard for 'conjure lube'

[thespacelizard]

The Short-Lived Journal of Apprentice Ashenivir Zauvym

@fluffbruary day 21 - a little experiment today, trying to branch out somewhat. up on AO3 here. (cw referenced/implied past sexual assault)

In which Ashenivir tries journalling about it.

The following papers might be found, if one cared to look, between the pages of an old spellbook belonging to one apprentice Ashenivir Zauvym, of the Mythen Thaelas College of Arcanum.

I’ve no idea how to start this. It’s Keszriin’s idea anyway—she thought it might help, after—

There follows a smeared passage, the ink clearly scrubbed out whilst still fresh.

What point is there in writing down awful things? I have more important things to remember, like the circle constructions for the summoning aptitude exams at the end of the month. Although, I hope they won’t be able to tell I’ve been involved with a summoning already. That doesn’t leave a mark in your connection to the Weave, does it? I don’t think it does, there’s no reason why it should.

No. It doesn’t. Ri Master Velkon’yss would have mentioned if it did. He wouldn’t have let me summon the construct with him if it was going to cause me trouble later. He’s made it very clear that focusing on my studies is paramount. Which is to say, more important to focus on than—

The next several paragraphs are thickly lined out, leaving most of the passage illegible. The words collar, on my knees, service, and can’t think straight are all that can be made out.

I didn’t need to write all of that. Why did I write all of that? Why am I still writing any of this!

Because I’m avoiding an essay, that’s why. It’s not hard, just tedious. Riz Master Velkon’yss is right; I’m not getting anything from that alchemy class any more. But if I change it, it’ll mean dropping one of Rizeth’s Master Velkon’yss’ classes, and his are more useful to me than a different alchemy Master would be.

Alright, that’s not entirely true. I know I’m not supposed to prioritise certain other things but I can’t help it. Whatever notions Keszriin has about ‘writing things down’ being helpful, the scenes help more. They clear my head better than anything ever has since I stopped dancing. I’d be feeling a lot worse if I didn’t have them, and while Keszriin’s been very sympathetic, I can’t stand being constantly asked if I’m okay, if I need anything. I love her, but I honestly I just want to forget about it. Rizeth gives me the space to forget.

I did worry, though, after what happened. That I wouldn’t want to attend Rizeth any more, I mean—it would be just my luck to have finally found what I need only for someone else to ruin it for me. I don’t know if I should be worried that that was what I was worried about; it’s weird, right, to be afraid you won’t want to be treated the way Rizeth treats me, after something so awful?

Keszriin, this isn’t helping at all, I hope you know that.

At any rate, I’ve been…fine, I suppose. And I’m so glad Rizeth didn’t stop sending for me, for studying and otherwise. He doesn’t treat me like I might break. He just follows our usual rules and leaves it for me to decide what I’m capable of—and I’ve been good! I don’t try and push myself—I know that doesn’t impress him at all—and I think he’s proud of that.

It’s hard to tell with him, but I’m getting better at reading his expressions. He’s very subtle.

Ugh, I should finish that essay. For one thing, if I don’t do it and Rizeth finds out, I’ll be in trouble—and not the fun kind. Academic infractions always get real punishment; like I wrote, my studies are the most important thing, no matter how much I’d rather spend my evenings—

A very heavily crossed out section covers the remainder of the page. The only word visible through the dark streaks of ink is Master.

That’s quite enough of this experiment. At least I can tell Keszriin I tried, and that it definitely made me feel better, and she needn’t pester me about it any more. I don’t need to write out my feelings to know what they are. There’s no point wasting time and ink putting them on paper—they can stay in my head where they belong.

Though speaking of feelings…I should not have written all that down, I’m too distracted to work now. I’ll just fix that, then I’ll finish this essay.

A final note: this journal is tucked between spellbook pages containing the notation for a spell not found in the standard Arcanum curriculum. It consists of a short verbal incantation, a simple somatic gesture, and the intriguing material component of ‘a small smear of bodily fluid, such as spit, sweat, or whatever else might be readily at hand.’

There is no author attribution for the spell.