#or i get clear feedback that i'm Failing (to be categorizable which yes is the goal but. emotional experience of Failing still not good) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aeide-thea · 2 years

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i get a little on my high horse sometimes abt the way in which cishet+ culture will sometimes (usually implicitly) link, hm how to put this, gender hypersaturation with attractiveness—like, dialing up the level of eg Manliness gets framed as inherently also dialing up someone's level of sexiness

this has always seemed totally nuts to me, as someone frequently attracted to very effeminate men+ and very androgynous women+

but i definitely do kind of frame my own self-criticism in terms of like. 'failing at masculine model of attractiveness, failing at feminine model of attractiveness, guess i gotta just go sit by myself in my miserable little mudpit'

which is like. literally what even, self. like. is 'thumbing my nose at all binary standards' not. the nominal objective actually. and yet!!

#anyway like. not sure where i'm going with this but i guess i do want to work on that reflexive feeling of superiority #like. it's difficult to get positive gender affirmation from society at large as any flavor of trans #but there's definitely a particular flavor of difficulty that comes with nonbinary identification #like‚ 'i can't expect you to read my mind so probably just hoping you don't actively gender me in any direction is the best i can hope for'#like sometimes ppl on here will use pronouns for me that feel nice and i like that. special shoutout 2 box on that front.#but anyway basically either i get coercively gendered a binary gender (mostly but not always F)#or i get clear feedback that i'm Failing (to be categorizable which yes is the goal but. emotional experience of Failing still not good)#and just—idk where i'm going with this but i guess i think like. there IS this real desire to be like. a pleasing example of one's genre #and i still kind of think it's weird to conflate what's essentially gender eu-/dysphoria with attractiveness to *others*#but also i think those things ARE weirdly tangled up for a lot of us for whatever reason?? want 2 think abt that more #but want 2 be like. less superior abt it while i'm thinking abt it #bc i just think it's. easy to get reverse snooty when yr not getting any affirmation yrself (is i think where i was trying to go w/ this)#and like. fully understandable but like. how is this feeling i have any different from a cis person wanting the same affirmation #anyway i'm tired and not probably articulating myself that clearly but like. 'more thinking less sneering' good general bywords really #feelingsblogging #the psyche #what is gender we just don't know

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