#people really should stop trying to inflict shitty rules upon the others

[multisfabulis]

Trust’s Complexities

Word Count: 3889

TW: Referenced self harm, referenced drug/alcohol usage, and implied abuse

So this was a surprise project I decided to write because I was inspired to write something similar to a fanfic I read around the time. Took me only 10 days to finish this and I’m surprisingly happy that, outside of two sections I needed to rewrite, this was written as is. It’s another RLD segment as well so I got to write more of my two favorite emotionally constipated assholes so that was great!

Fun fact: this is just about 200 words shorter than “A Game of Spite” was so that’s neat!

Read on AO3 | Read on DA

     Ravi knocked on the door several times, glancing around as he did so. He felt uncomfortable being here. The whole place reeked of smoke and mildew and he felt as if he were being watched. It was a good thing he decided to wear his jacket before coming here. So long as he kept the hood up and the jacket zipped, he could pass as a guy looking to get his next fix rather than the androgynous mess he was.

     “Come on, Luce, answer the damn door already,” he grumbled under his breath as he knocked again.

     It had been over a week since he last saw Luce. His visiting him after work became part of his routine so when he hadn’t shown up the first couple days, he grew concerned. As the days went on, his concern deepened to worry. Their last meeting had him cleaning up the other’s self-inflicted cuts so he had reason to be anxious.

     What if he wasn’t okay? What if he was lying on the floor bleeding out because he cut himself too deep? What if he was already…? He shook his head to rid himself of the bad thoughts swirling around in his mind.

     He was probably fine and he was just overreacting. Luce’s like a cockroach; annoying and notoriously hard to get rid of. At least he wasn’t as gross looking as one, at any rate.

     The door swung open just as he was about to knock again. He looked up into Luce’s tired red gaze, noticing the dark shadows under his eyes. His cheeks were sunken in and his skin seemed paler than usual. There wasn’t any blood dripping down his fingers like last time so that was good. About the only good thing he could see from how haggard he looked.

     “Snowbird.” His voice sounded hoarse.

     “You look like shit,” he said, biting back the urge to correct him. “Sound like it, too.”

     Smiling tiredly and letting out a scoff, he replied sarcastically, “Thanks. That what you normally say to someone you haven’t seen in over a week?”

     “If I could say that to everyone who came to work, I would, believe me.”

     If he could still act like a dick to him, then he was fine. Yet the worry kept nagging at him, especially with how horrible he looked right now. What happened in the past week to make him like this?

     “So what are you doing here?” Luce asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

     “Checking in on you?” he replied confusedly, “Why else would I be here?”

     “You were worried about me?”

     “Yeah, I know, it’s surprising, isn’t it?”

     A shout from around the corner made him jump. Yep, this place deserved a “fuck you” and he wanted to hightail it the hell outta there. If Luce didn’t invite him in this instant, he was gonna barge in there himself.

     Stepping to the side and beckoning him in, he asked, “You wanna come in?”

     “Oh, god, yes,” he replied, quickly walking inside the apartment.

     It became quite apparent that this place was just as bad as the outside as soon as he entered the living room. The best word he could use to describe the smell was ass and he couldn’t tell if the faded yellow walls were painted like that or stained with nicotine. Another thing he noticed was just how bare everything was. Aside from basic furniture, there were no pictures, decorations, just anything to make it look like it was lived in. This was depressing.

     “Well--” he took his hood down and unzipped his jacket-- “I don’t know which is worse, the inside or the outside, and I want to die.”

     “Oh, hush, it’s fine,” Luce said, closing the door behind him. “Besides, this was how it was when I moved in.”

     “What, was the last person who lived here a fucking smoke factory?” he asked.

     “Like you don’t smoke.”

     “I do it outside on the fire escape! This looks like they painted the room with nicotine and did a shitty job!”

     A laugh fell out of Luce’s mouth as Ravi went over to the nearest window to open it. While it wasn’t much better outside, the smell was at least bearable. Now, if only he had some hand sanitizer so he didn’t feel like he’d be catching a disease by merely touching the stuff in here…

     “So, where have you been?” he asked. “As stupid as it was, I was worrying over you.”

     Running a hand over his head, he replied, “You sure you wanna know? It’s not exactly pretty, Snowbird.”

     “Uh, yeah.” He shoved his hands inside his jacket pockets. “Why else would I be here if I knew it wasn’t something serious?”

     “I’m an addict, trying to get clean.”

     Well, that shut him up. It managed to explain why he looked like absolute garbage and why he hadn’t been seen in over a week. He always seemed so calm and attentive, not what he imagined addicts to be like. Then again, there were times he’d catch him fidgeting so that might’ve been an early sign.

     He looked down at the poor excuse of a coffee table. Faded rings and specks of white dust marred the otherwise oaken brown wood. Guess that answers the question of what he was addicted to.

     “Bet that must’ve sucked,” was all he could say, a couple laughs sprinkled in among the words.

     “Yeah, it sucked like hell,” he said, sitting down on the couch. “Not the worst hell I’ve gone through but it was hell all the same.”

     “Is that why you…” He rolled his shoulders and grimaced.

     “No but it’s sorta related to why I decided to sober up.”

     “Which was…?”

     “How should I explain this? Let’s just say that, when you were treating my cuts, I didn’t do what I usually did when someone would touch me.”

     “You don’t like being touched?”

     “Blame my lovely mother and father for that. Gentle and loving they were not and ruined touch before I even knew it wasn’t supposed to hurt.”

     Now this was a first for him: guilt. Yeah, Luce would’ve been in trouble if he didn’t help him and he didn’t know about that aversion of his but that didn’t ease the guilt he felt. Did he unknowingly remind him of the pain he suffered?

     “Hey, Luce, um…” God, he was never good at this sort of thing. “if I triggered you in any way by doing that, then---”

     “Snowbird, it’s fine,” he said, no doubt trying to assuage his guilt, “you didn’t do anything wrong. I know you were just trying to help.”

     He always had trouble discerning whether Luce was lying or not. If it wasn’t said in his typical teasing and irritating manner, then he meant it. Then again, he seemed like the type of person to lie about something like that so as to not worry others. Hell, him just now finding out about the other’s addictions was proof of that.

     “Anyway, if it weren’t for you doing that, I wouldn’t have realized it.” He gave him a tilt of his head in confusion. “I trust you.”

     He looked at him in shock as what he said began to sink in. He trusted him, something he couldn’t believe was a thing. Yet it wasn’t a lie. He said it without any hesitance or amusement to his voice.

     The concept of trust was easy enough to understand. Trust was just something that was unheard of in these parts. Trusting someone meant leaving yourself open for a knife in the back and the pain that followed afterwards. It was too great a risk for him to take, especially with so much riding on his shoulders.

     Trust was only something he had for himself. He couldn’t trust people to look after him and Amelia after their parents’ death and he couldn’t trust them now. Trust and people were things he couldn’t afford to waste time on. It was so much easier being a loner than a person others saw as an easy target. If life was going to force that upon him, then he was damn well going to abide by it.

     But was that right? Could he really and truly say he didn’t trust anyone? The only person he could maybe have a smidgen of trust for was… Oh, goddammit. Of course it had to be him. It had to be the biggest asshole he ever had the utter displeasure of knowing.

     Honestly speaking, it could be worse. While Luce was and always will be an asshole, he wasn’t an asshole. He didn’t look at him the way other men had, much less touch him when the rules explicitly discourage that. Then there was the whole matter of nursing his cuts and worrying about him after a week of not seeing him… Yep, it was official. He trusted Luce.

     Scoffing, Ravi said disdainfully, “Boy, you’re a real dumbass for trusting someone like me. Why would you ever want to trust a person who talks shit behind people’s backs as much as I do?”

     “Snowbird, stop.” The way he said that so seriously unnerved him. “Why do you always put yourself down like that?

     “Yeah, you talk like an asshole but you’re far from being one. You’re kinder than you give yourself credit for. In all the time I’ve known you, you’re willing to put up with anything and make whatever sacrifices are necessary if it means the little snowdove will be taken care of. Hell, you were willing to help and worry over a guy like me, someone you’ve only known for a few months. She’s lucky to have you in her life.” He stood up and walked over to hesitantly take hold of his hand. “As am I.”

     Blood rushed up to his cheeks in a rare display of fluster. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die from that embarrassing spectacle. How dare he make him blush!

     Letting out a chuckle, Luce said amusingly, “You know, I think this is the first time I’ve seen you blush, Snowbird.”

     “Shut up!” He backed away suddenly, feeling his face grow hotter. “I’m only doing it because you had to be a dick and do that!”

     “What, speak the truth?” he replied, shrugging.

     He fanned his face to cool off while huffing. It was humiliating enough to hear him say all that but even more so to know he meant it. No one ever spoke that highly about him in his eighteen years of life. That was also his first time having anyone actually reach out and touch him in that manner. It was strange and new and…a sensation he wasn’t entirely uncomfortable with.

     “You’re actually kinda cute when you’re like this,” Luce teased, smirking.

     Crossing his arms, he retorted, “Oh, great, the flirting’s back. Not like I missed that while you were holed up here!”

     “Okay, okay, look, I’m sorry.” His smirk turned into a warm, if small, smile as he leaned to one side. “What’ll make you feel better?”

     “...Let me see how much you trust me.”

     “Okay.”

     “You don’t even know what it is yet!”

     “You wanna see how far you can touch me before I ask you to stop, right?”

     He had him there. He wanted to see how much he trusted him and, as horrible as it was, how else could he observe that than by touching him? Even if it was to satiate his curiosity, it felt wrong to essentially exploit Luce’s trigger. It wouldn’t matter how much trust was between them if it became shattered by doing this.

     “I won’t do it if you’re uncomfortable with it,” he vowed. “I don’t wanna go too far to where you get a panic attack because I didn’t respect your boundaries.”

     “I know you won’t,” he replied in the serious tone from before.

     “Don’t say stuff just so I don’t worry. Tell me if you’ll be okay or not.”

     “Lemme prove it to you.”

     Thin fingers wrapped around his wrists as he placed his hands on his cheeks. He had to stand up on his toes in order to reach him. His cheeks felt warm against his half covered palms. This felt weird yet strangely nice.

     “Now do you believe me?” he asked.

     Retracting his hands, he replied with a simple “Yeah.”

     “Well--” he kept a hand locked around his wrist as he sat back down on the couch and positioned him to be in front-- “do what you want.”

     “What if I go too far? Luce, I don’t---”

     “I know you won’t. I trust you.”

     It was shocking to see such a change in Luce from a week ago to now. He hadn’t noticed it before but touch was never exchanged between them. Up until their last meeting, physical contact was nonexistent. Now, he couldn’t keep his hands off him, something he guessed was good since it meant he overcame his aversion somewhat. Why wasn’t there a better word for overcome?

     His thumbs ran over his cheekbone as his nails brushed his earlobes. He seemed to be okay for now, his eyes closed and delicate lashes resting atop his cheeks. Something glinted in the early evening sun and he reached out to touch it. Soon as his fingers grazed his ears, his grip on his wrist tightened and his brow furrowed.

     “You okay?”

     “Yeah, it’s just… I don’t have the best experiences with people touching my ears, one way or another.”

     “You want me to stop?”

     “No, I’ll be fine. I just need to remember it’s you and not…her.”

     Despite his misgivings, he pressed onward. He brushed dark locks away from an ear to see what was twinkling in the light. Two simple stud earrings adorned his ear, mildly surprising him.

     “Didn’t know you had ear piercings.”

     “The eyebrow one didn’t tip you off?”

     “Well, your hair’s so damn long, I couldn’t see them till now.”

     Luce chuckled as he decided to move on. His fingers threaded through his hair before arriving at the nape of his neck. Already, Luce was sucking in a breath as if bracing himself for his touch. He slowly trailed down, gauging the other’s face for a reaction telling him to stop. His middle and ring finger swept over a particular spot and that earned him a response.

     He leaned into his touch, slightly dragging him along by his wrist. That must’ve meant he liked it, at least what he assumed that to be. He began pressing his fingers into that spot, massaging it and caressing it. Doing that made Luce turn his head and bury his mouth into his free hand.

     “Oh, Ravinn…” he mumbled, the hand gripping his wrist moving up to capture his.

     The sudden shock of hearing his name stayed his hand. That was the first time Luce ever said his name, his full name at that. Now he knew there was something serious going on between them. He only really started suspecting it a little bit ago but this just proved it.

     He brought his other hand back up to his cheek. His heart began to beat faster as he wondered what to say. How could he give voice to seemingly random thoughts without coming off as a creep? How would Luce react to him asking for one? Why did he want this with him? All these questions with no answer in sight and it frustrated him to the point of exasperation. He just had to go for it.

     “Luce, is it okay if I…” Red eyes peeked out from underneath crescent lashes as his eyes darted to his lips.

     Luce’s answer was letting out a breath he seemed to be holding in while closing his eyes once more. He was unsure of what that meant before he felt an arm bring him in closer by the waist. It gave him an idea but he needed to know.

     “Is that a yes?”

     “Yes.”

     Tilting his head up, he leaned in close and tried to stifle a shaky breath. This was it, the moment of truth. This could either make or break whatever he had with Luce so he needed to not regret this. With closed eyes and breaths mingling, he gently pressed his lips against his.

     His tongue traced over his lips, asking if he could go further. Luce tentatively parted his mouth and he took his time diving in. He didn’t want to scare him or feel like he was disregarding his boundaries. He may not know what his experiences with kissing were but he wanted this one to be good. Their mouths moved in slow unison, hands on his back and warmth settling into his core. He pulled away first, opening his eyes to see the other’s fond gaze.

     It wasn’t like other kisses he’d see on TV. It wasn’t intense, wasn’t very long, and it didn’t devolve into making out. Yet it felt good, it felt nice, it was just…a short and sweet kiss. He liked kissing Luce and it wasn’t nearly as bad as he thought it to be. His first kiss was with Luce, something he was admittedly happy with.

     Luce buried his head into his chest, arms wrapped loosely around his waist. He carded through his dark hair, playing with it and feeling the soft locks go through his fingers. No words were spoken between them, hearing only the sounds of their quiet breathing. They simply held each other, content to stay like this for however long they wanted.

     It was safe to say he wasn’t “friends” with Luce anymore. They were something else now, something he couldn’t put a word to. Dating wasn’t right and being in a relationship was too close. He knew he felt something with him but who’s to say it’ll still be there later? Who’s to say Luce wanted to be with him? He’s only a week sober, his emotions might still be jumbled up. Either way, this was a complicated mess of wants versus realism.

     He wanted to be with him, he surprisingly did. But a relationship just wasn’t feasible right now. He needed to focus on giving Amelia a better life, the future that was suddenly ripped away from him close to 5 years ago. She was his top priority and nothing would ever change that.

     Yet he knew she’d want him to be happy. So, maybe, by that logic, it’d be okay to pursue whatever this was with Luce. It’d be temporary, of course, but it meant he wouldn’t feel guilty for being selfish.

     “Hey, Luce? He felt a rumble against his chest. “You okay with…being whatever this is?”

     He turned his head to the side and replied, “Yeah. I don’t know what this is but yeah.”

     “You sure? It may not last long.”

     “I know and I’m positive. I’ll just enjoy the time I spend with you till then.”

     He let out a rare chuckle, his arms around his neck in an embrace. He knew of the circumstances surrounding his love life and he understood. If only the men who’d repeatedly ask him out at work did the same…

     This was a thing they had. Describing it as a relationship sounded too permanent and exclusive. It was an indefinite fling, something he planned on making the most out of while he still could. It may be a complicated mess but he didn’t care if people couldn’t understand it because it would work for him.

     “Is it okay if I stay for a little bit more?” he asked. “I know I’ve got Amelia waiting for me back home but I told her I’d be gone for a while so…”

     “Yeah, that’s fine,” he replied, his hold on him tightening as he brought him in even closer, his face in the crook of his neck.

     Playing with his hair once more, Ravi dropped down into his lap. He could get used to this. With this being his first foray into the world of romance, he was bound to stumble or even fuck up a couple times. They’d deal with those when they came up later down the road. For now, this was nice.

     “And Luce? I trust you.” He should’ve said it earlier but now was as good a time as any.

     “I figured as much.” His breath tickled the side of his neck and he could just see the smirk that annoyed him so.

     “Shut up.” Without the usual bite of his tone, the corners of his mouth turned up into an even rarer smile.