#queer people being my main social circle

[orangerainforest]

🌻

[miafeystits]

re: that last poll i reblogged, one of the reasons i find both mpreg & a/b/o fic kind of morbidly fascinating after many years in fandom (despite not liking either) is how these kinds of fic often function as a way of mapping the tropes and gender dynamics of cis/heterosexual romance onto (almost always cis) m/m stories without going so far as to gender-swap either character

like, this is pretty obvious with mpreg centered on cis men, which is often just the application of common pregnancy-related romance tropes to cis m/m couples (note: im excluding depictions of trans masc pregnancy from my discussion here because i just think its a separate convo with its own nuances, and because i think much of the fic im describing here generally draws from ideas about cis men & women without much consideration for transness). however its ESPECIALLY apparent if you look at common a/b/o tropes in m/m fic. namely, the fact that an a/b/o universe is generally a world in which irl gender essentialism and the resulting sexual power dynamics between (cis) men and (cis) women are able to be applied to relationships exclusively between cis men-- with one partner being dominant, often physically stronger and aggressive, and socially privileged for this (perceived or real) biological superiority, and the other partner (who is generally the one able to bear children) being sexually submissive, weaker, and thus socially disadvantaged or oppressed as a consequence.

furthermore, something EXTRA interesting to me is that in this type of fic these power dynamics are very frequently not just social constructs (the way they are in real life-- pls dont misunderstand me and think im saying women are inherently biologically submissive to men irl or something), but rather almost always depicted as a biological reality within the world of the story. this type of au (at least in m/m dominated circles) offers a way of exploring and depicting what are basically misogynistic tropes without ever naming it as misogyny or involving women at any point. and i'm not trying to make a moral judgement here--i just genuinely find it very interesting that one of the main ways that misogynistic sexual dynamics (and, frequently, the violence resulting from such dynamics) gets explored in fandom spaces is through the development of an alternate biological and social reality in which cis men experience a mirror of those power dynamics, often turned up to 11 via in-universe biological essentialism. it strikes me as a way to engage with irl misogyny and its role within relationships with a certain amount of emotional distance, for better or worse. on one hand, it might be used to explore this imbalance of power without ever needing to depict misogynistic violence happening to female characters, but on the other hand also often offers a way to engage with romantic tropes steeped in irl gender essentialism in a way that is justified within the fiction of the universe and therefore do not need to be considered as critically

now i dont think this alone justifies this trope's existence or popularity (i'm sure a large part of its popularity is people just thinking it's hot tbh, which is fine im not here to judge), and honestly i'm not interested in litigating the question of why people write or read this trope in the first place, but i AM continually fascinated by the degree to which heteronormativity is able to influence what are ostensibly depictions of queer relationships

[venusjailer]

Will I ever stop pathologising the AP main characters and creating incredibly detailed backgrounds riddled with childhood trauma? It’s unlikely!

(INSANELY LONG) (LIKE INSANELY) (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED) EXPLANATIONS BELOW

(And If you have hc’s feel free to share!)

Patrick: cmon. The entire plot of AP is literally him just begging to be noticed.

Bro is devoid of attention right until the very last scene (aka the one with his lawyer). Sorry to all the SiGmA mALe AMPS fans but this is not a “sigma 🥶”, this is a man who did not receive a MORSEL of affection during his formative years.

His obsession with ‘fitting in’ (ie being accepted and therefore cared about) through his clothes, his looks, his social circle; his outbursts of intense emotion and inability to regulate them (almost as if he was never taught how to do so); the way he views the women in his life in an almost maternal way (namely Evelyn and Jean) - he just needs a hug!!!

And some intense therapy. And heavy duty psych meds.

Paul: this one is partly canonical, partly not.

The way that his character is almost revered by the other guys at P&P is interesting; he comes over as this über cool, competent, successful finance bro almost to a greater extent than they think they are.

But then he gets drunk with Patrick away from the office and from the constraints of corporate professionalism and becomes this silly goofy little guy.

I don’t necessarily think his work ‘persona’ is an act: I think it’s the parts of himself that he has to accentuate in order to succeed.

Also - I took influence for this from the amazing Paul character studies written by my dear friend @leoblooms on AO3 - please check them out

Luis: this one is pretty self-explanatory.

He’s the only confirmed canonically queer character in AP (although, come on, Patrick’s canon closet is made of glass at this point). And yet - in a way that so many LGBT+ people have suffered with throughout history and sadly even to this day - he can never, ever show it. Being openly gay in his environment would make him a social pariah.

Instead, he has to fit in: he’s marrying a woman, he’s acting like ~one of the guys~, he’s hoping that he can suffocate that part of himself by burying it six feet underground. But as so many of us know all too well: you can’t hide who you are forever. The bathroom scene with Patrick just proves this.

I also wanted to make a note of this because it’s very interesting to me - I read the most AMAZING fic a couple of years ago that was written from Courtney’s perspective, and in it it was mentioned that Luis is Catholic. I’m a Christian as well (from a famously progressive denomination) and although a lot of attitudes are changing within the Catholic Church, particularly right now, the ‘gay = sin’ mentality does prevail for many.

So it makes sense that if Luis was raised Catholic he has been suppressing that part of himself for a very long time. I can see him lying to himself and having girlfriends in high school.

Courtney: my literal baby girl. I’ve written a whole 18k character study on her because I find her so canonically fascinating.

My headcanon is that her father was absent from her life from a young age - but this is rooted in how she actually acts in the source material.

In the boardroom scene, Luis thanks Patrick for “taking care of Courtney last night”. To me, it sounds like he’s taking on a role that’s almost paternal. She is also notably reliant, and almost clingy, on the men in her life: telling Patrick she can’t go out because she’s waiting for Luis to call, and practically begging Patrick to call her after they’ve slept together.

Additionally there’s the whole ‘fucking my best friend’s boyfriend’ thing - I’m getting WAY off topic here but I see so much of her in Cassie from Euphoria. Unless someone is purposefully malicious and nasty, I think there’s always a reason for that kind of thing, even if it is complex and unsavoury.

I hate to use the term “daddy issues” because it absolves absent/abusive fathers of all of their damage and unfairly places the blame on young women, but if I had to describe a reason for why she might act in this way - having seen it first-hand myself from many people - that would be it.

Evelyn: so I did take some influence from Reese Witherspoon’s character in Legally Blonde here - but I think Evelyn is actually one of the smartest characters in AP and so I feel it’s fitting.

She comes over as incredibly ditzy and shallow, but remember we’re seeing and reading all of this from Patrick’s perspective - of course he’s not going to have a high opinion of her, because…it’s Patrick Bateman were talking about here.

In reality, she’s probably one of the most socially clued-in characters. For example: she effortlessly hosts big gatherings with grace and decorum even if the majority of guests are, let’s be honest, fucking insufferable.

She’s also the only character who can actually handle Patrick and meets him on his own level. She absolutely refuses to take any of his bullshit (“what am I supposed to do with that? Floss with it?”).

Her actions and force prove her to be the strong willed and savvy and to me that suggests intellect, as much as it may be hidden - again, due to the environment she exists in.

Bryce: he’s so interesting.

I’ve not written as much about him in my fics as the others, but his actions in the source material suggest that underneath his finance bro Wall Street image, he’s someone who’s very disillusioned, and almost broken.

I really wish the scene of his…episode?…in the club hadn’t been cut from the film. I’d recommend anyone to watch it (and the rest of the deleted scenes because they’re class) if they’ve not seen it already.

There’s also The Informers, the book and film adaptation of another of of Bret Easton Ellis’ works, which features a young Tim Bryce (referred to as Price) and the complex relationship with his father. I’ve not read/watched it in full yet, but whilst they’re on holiday Bryce’s father gets drunk and acts lecherous and gross towards young women on the beach, and Bryce is disgusted by this (perhaps he’s not as much of a raging misogynist as his peers?), and then makes ‘joking’ comments about Bryce being the subject of attraction by other men, to which Bryce walks out on him (perhaps he’s less condemning of homophobia than the others? Or, possibly…maybe he has less than hetero feelings himself? Not to spoil any of Mergerizations but I headcanon him as bisexual tbh).

This behaviour suggests that, at least as a teen, Bryce was very assertive of what was and wasn’t okay and was happy to make these views known.

But due to bullying by his father and, again, the environment that he likely grew up in, he has to suppress this part of himself to be accepted.

WOWWWW that was a whole ass essay. If you’ve read to this part, 1) I’m sorry 2) THANK YOU 3) I love you!!!!

[no-where-new-hero]

Some thoughts and a little story time inspired by something @kraytwriter was talking about.

l think the worst thing that modern YA has done (and it has done a LOT of poor things including normalizing abusive and predatory romances but that’s a topic for another rant) is to make the “not like other girls” main character trope something you want to actively avoid. I think it was created from Bella Swan’s I’m-so-awkward-and-plain-but-hot-guys-love-me! schtick, and it has been used to interpret pitting a female protagonist against other female characters who are seen as lesser (Sarah J Maas is guilty of this, as well as many of her successors—disclaimer that I’m more familiar with YA fantasy than YA literary/non-genre writing so I can’t name drop there). It’s also become a staple of Y/N fanfic circles and likely even more mercilessly lambasted because of it.

And this is certainly bad character development (and absent feminism), but I think the bones of the trope aren't inherently negative. Because this whole concept of difference can extend to literally not being like the majority of people around you. If you grow up queer, or neurodivergent, or BIPOC in a white community, you are going to need an iconoclast protagonist to project onto for sheer sanity.

As a biracial baby gay (as well as homeschooled), I attached myself intensely to Emily Starr at the age of 12 from this urge. Despite being white and only subtextually fruity, her stubborn nonconformity gave me an anchor to quiet my anxieties and uncertainties about not fitting in at camps and in other social contexts. LM Montgomery is queen of writing “not like other girls” protagonists who have rich friendships and relationships with girls, and their “difference” comes down to an internal quality of uniqueness—something that I think should be encouraged.

“Not like other girls” as it’s written now is a problem (and it’s still being written! Look at Lightlark!) but I think the people who slam it are slightly off target with it. The best message to get from the critique is to illustrate how no one (even your overpowered protagonist) is better than anyone else—though honestly this shouldn’t be a revolutionary message and if you’re not depicting that nuance then why are you writing a novel. But I also think trying to abolish the trope without teasing out the repercussions could backfire into passing a message of conformity and sameness: as though the only way you’ll be “safe” or not seen as a “pick me” (another cringe target of social media) is to behave and talk and think like everyone else.

[madphantom]

Let's see if you're a transphobic writer.

Main character isn't happy until they detransition? Check.

Killed off half your queer characters? Check.

Never actually name your trans male character? Check.

Detransition is the main point of your story? Check.

You don't let trans people be happy? Check.

Just admit you hate us and Detransiton yourself. Or kill yourself like most detrans TERFs do. We don't need anything as transphobic as you representing us.

Main character is literally happy until she detransitions

TWO queer characters die. In a story with plenty more. Queer people aren't immortal, we also have shitty things happening to us and we are allowed to talk about it.

I didn't reveal the names of any characters yet except one, the trans male character is a main character, of course he's named 😭

Sometimes people detransition for safety reasons. I've seen it happen in my social circle and I've experienced it myself and I deserve to talk about it.

Not every story about queerness is a happy story, we deserve to show the ugly sides of it too.

You know for someone calling me transphobic you sure aren't being nice either. There's no need to tell me to detransition. It's been a long hard journey until here.

What the fuck.

[czarnoxiestwo]

Let me display an array of negative emotions in public for a sec

I feel like I haven't been this low in ages. I'm seriously considering changing my career to something less interesting but maybe a little more stable. I almost wrote 'less fulfilling' instead of 'less interesting' here but the point is - it's more stressful than fulfilling at this point.

Impostor syndrome is a quiet constant for me but it seriously seems like I'm far behind other people I know who started tattooing around the same time as I did. It's like I'm walking in circles, not actually acquiring any new skills, at least not in a sensible timeframe. And being stressed about not being as competent as I should be while having to pretend like I am is not the best learning environment which completes this circle. I work with people who are both younger than me and technically more competent than me which is discouraging in the sad, tired and resigned kind of way. (I should point out that I did the right thing at the very beginning - but you can still go through apprenticeship that doesn't point you in the right direction or provide any actual practical advice, not to mention solid skills). What's more, I feel like it hurt my general artistic abilities, not giving me enough room (energy and mental capacity) to grow through experimentation, exercise that my 'waste' my time or creating more time-consuming projects. I taught myself how not to rely on inspiration (which is actually a very useful skill) but I usually use it to create things at the merely passable level that a perfectly average client finds acceptable and will graciously agree to use instead of some random picture stolen from Pinterest. I love doing art, I want to do art - I don't know if tattooing is the kind of art I should be doing or if the art should be my main source of income in general.

My client base (as little as it was) pretty much crumbled away with only some people coming back from time to time but even then I see they don't have much money to spend (nor I expect them to). I don't know if I'm too awkward around strangers (I'm can be pretty awkward) for clients to actually want to work with me on a purely vibe based level or people just aren't interested in what I have to offer art-wise. I'd say my skills have something to do with that but I know (of) tattooers with absolutely abysmal works still managing to be fully booked. Being a queer person in a not that big of a city also means I have to be selective about who I'm willing to work with because my safety may depend on it. I know the self-promotion is an important part of being any kind of professional artist in this capitalist hell but to be frank, I fucking suck at it. I loathe fake-fun fake-energetic artistic content. I hate content-content, to be honest. At the same time I don't hate social media as a concept, I'm more of a shitposter type of guy though and I don't know if I'm brave enough to let it spill into my public facing profiles - both because of my safety as mentioned above but also because it my scare potential clients even more. In consequence my financial stability kind of doesn't exist at this moment.

I'm burned out but I don't do enough to be burned out. I need a break but I cannot afford to have a break. This job takes its toll on a body too. I need a regular physiotherapy for my arm, and fuckes my eyes even more than they're fucked by themselves (a lot). Sometimes I wonder how for how long I'll be able to continue this career before my body says no.

I'm just constantly stressed and worried, and I'm not sure what to do.

[liskantope]

Looking back at the culture war battles of 2022, one development that particularly sticks out to me is the American Republican/anti-woke side latching on to the idea of everything social progressives call for that involves minors being a form of "grooming" and/or adjacent to pedophilia. This welled up during the 2022 midterm campaign season and I doubt it reached its final boil during the elections; it probably isn't dying down anytime just yet.

My first reaction, around mid-2022, to seeing this new-ish trend was that it was once again an example of the Right looking at a rhetorical tactic of the Left (in this case, finding a near-universally despised personal trait and relentlessly tarring as many opinions as possible from the opposing side as coming from that trait) and deciding that hey, two can play at this game. The main name that the Left has taken to using against as many opposing opinions as possible is "racist"/"racism", and what's arguably the one label even worse to have attached to you than "racist"? Probably "pedophile" or (more mildly) "groomer".

From that point of view, I can see where this Republican/anti-woke strategy comes from, to the extent that it's been consciously employed and regardless of how blatantly hypocritical it is. But it still caught me by surprise and feels strange, I think because of my impression of being anti-grooming as more of a liberal progressive cause. Now mind you, I know that anything adjacent to pedophilia is reviled by pretty much all parts of the political spectrum, and I also know that the conservative Right (at least in America) has a history of tarring gay people as secretly pedophiles, insinuating that open homosexuality (and other forms of queerness) corrupts and endangers children, and so on. But over the 5-10 years or so previous to the rise of "groomer" accusations from the conservative side, I had come to firmly code raising the alarm about grooming behavior as more of a progressive SJ-ish thing, naturally occurring as a part of the Me Too movement. I had been exposed to a lot of talk in progressive circles about the power differentials that come with age differentials and so on. The whole Josh Duggar scandal some years back seemed split roughly along political lines, with only conservatives (most infamously Mike Huckabee) being willing to come to his defense. And I had a vague notion that liberal people took child molestation and terrible behavior adjacent to it as a sort of higher-priority societal crisis than conservatives did, much as this was clearly the case with rape in general.

So I had thought of cries of "Groomer!" and "Pedophile!" as similar to cries of "Racist!" in that they involve a name that absolutely nobody wants to be branded with, which refers to a type of person that almost everyone looks down upon and is determined not to be but which the Right has a stricter definition of, doesn't see in as many places, and tends to think the Left is overly paranoid about. And yet, for the time being at least, the Right seems to have gotten hold of "Groomer!" and "Pedophile!".

I found this a sort of bemusing (and also of course disturbing) irony, given the extent to which so many socially progressive people around me see grooming / pedophilia / child abuse as a very serious problem and are very sincere in their concerns about it. And to be honest, one of the things I couldn't help saying to myself was, "Let's see how this goes and how people feel when 'Groomer!' is used against them, when the other side stretches at every possible opportunity to compare our side to something we truly find despicable whenever we stand for something they don't like. Maybe this will give some people a new insight about how ineffective it is to blast everything they don't like on the other side as "racist" or other -ists or otherwise coming from something purely evil. It's going to be interesting to see how this changes the dynamic."

(It's worth mentioning as a qualification that the American Right did do something like this as recently as the mid-00's with comparing everyone less hawkish than them with terrorist-sympathizers, but that was a little less direct and seems to have already faded from many people's memories. A closer example would be some decades earlier when an awful lot of Americans seemed determined to brand anyone to the left of them as a Communist sympathizer, but of course this is even further removed from the present.)

It's interesting to look back on this half a year later, because I definitely intended to write a more sharply pointed post expressing most of my paragraphs above sometime around last summer, but it got lost in the shuffle as many of my potential blog posts do. And now it seems like it sort of came to an anticlimax. Anti-woke conservatives did quite well in the midterms as long as they weren't too Trumpy, but Democrats put in a better-than-expected performance. My liberal colleagues and acquaintances mostly seem to have ignored conservative rhetoric about groomers or just dismissed it as idiotic (which, to be fair, it basically is) rather than let it bother them beyond that, either on a direct, immediate level or in terms of making them rethink messaging or persuasive rhetoric from their/our own side. All of this seems to be fizzling over, relative to what I imagined back around July.

[turquoiseorchid]

what is roswell about? i've never seen anyone else post about it but you've got me intrigued

Ooh, join us! Roswell New Mexico has 4 seasons (2019-2022) with 13ish eps each; it was on the CW and is available on Netflix. (It’s a remake of a 90s or early 00s show just called Roswell. That one’s on Hulu and I’ve only seen a few episodes.) Overall, it’s about aliens living in Roswell and their human friends/love interests, plus a few alien-related mysteries. Most of my summary will be about season one and I’ll leave the rest for you to see for yourself.

Liz (human) comes back to Roswell ten years after high school, discovers her high school crush is an alien, and then finds out her sister had been killed by aliens. This and other developments lead to their whole social circle getting in on the secret and there’s a bunch of love triangles.

If I knew who you were, dear anon, I’d tailor this to what fandoms we’ve already got in common but to cover some of the likely options and their high level comparisons: If you like Leverage, this has found family and the love triangles can easily be shipped as throuples/polycules. If you like The Magicians then same as leverage plus canon queer characters and magic(technically science) powers. If you like Supernatural, there can be a lot of overlap between malex and destiel (for better and worse). If you’re still here from my Torchwood days, again queer characters with messy relationships and a lot of snark.

Let’s introduce some of the characters!

In the Pod Squad (the three main aliens), we’ve got Isobel, Max, and Michael (left to right in gif). Max and Isobel were adopted together and grew up as the Evans twins while Michael was a foster kid but all three are inseparable. Isobel starts off the series as someone whose identity is mainly focused on wife/sister/volunteer but breaks down her walls and grows into a total badass. Often portrayed in fanon as “the woman with the brain cell” for better or worse. Max is a writer-turned-cop and total romantic who has been pining for his high school crush (Liz) for over a decade and risks his family secret in order to save her and struggles with choosing between her safety and his family’s. Michael is an angsty bisexual mechanic with a troubled past and became many people’s blorbo on sight. He too has a high school sweetheart (Alex) who he’s never gotten over but grows enough to find healthy relationships and let people in. They all have various powers including telekinesis, healing, and mind control/influencing.

And now for Team Human! Liz is a scientist who left town after graduation because her sister died from (apparently) drunk driving and gets shot an hour after she returns. The lack of being dead causes her to investigate/confront her crush (Max) and learns about aliens, leading to the realization that her sister was killed by an alien and the crash was a coverup. The first person who she brings in is her ex-boyfriend, Kyle, a jock-turned-surgeon with a strong moral compass who tries to rein in the mad scientist tendencies of his ex-girlfriend (who he still has feelings for).

Next in on the whole alien thing is Alex, a gay emo who had a secret thing with Michael in high school before leaving to join the Air Force. He’s back in town (minus a leg) and has his plate full with finding out that his abusive homophobic dad runs a secret military team hunting aliens and oh hey, his high school boyfriend turns out to be an alien! He’s best friends with Maria, a psychic who runs the local bar. Besides bartending, she splits her time between fortune telling as a side hustle, encouraging Alex about his old flame (secretly Michael), and nursing a crush on the local barfly/mechanic (also Michael).

(Fun fact: I have no idea how to use tumblr’s gif search so both of the human gifs were found through their respective throuple ship tags.)

There are plenty of ships around depending on your preference but the most prevalent is malex (Michael/Alex), it’s nearly inescapable. Echo is Max/Liz and generally well liked. Isobel starts off with a husband (Noah) but also gets other love interests. The two main throuples are malexa (malex plus Maria) and kaliz (echo plus Kyle).

Anyone else please feel free to add why Anon should watch RNM!

[urlocalnonbinarybastardwrites]

hello!! may i please be shipped? preferably the outsiders, but i also know/like hazbin and atla if you think i'd work better with someone there. also, is it possible to give too much information? i feel like i rambled bad while also giving you nothing, so sorry!!

i'm genderqueer (they/them), but generally really feminine in body and fashion. i'd consider myself queer, *heavy* preference towards men and i'm on the aroace-spectrum (grayromantic and sex-neutral, i just need extra communication mostly).

fairly short, standing at 5' 2" without shoes but i wear a lot of platforms. usually i'm 5' 6" in public, haha. my eyes are a really soft brown, and i have a fairly round face. my hair is brown, but that kind of ashy brown that people who were blonde in childhood get. if the light hits it right and i get enough sun, it still gets goldish. i use to have a wolfcut/shaggy mullet but it's grown out a bit so now it's just awkwardly choppy and hits my collarbone. hopefully i'll be motivated to cut it soon, but depression has struck, so... anyway, i'm fairly thin and petite, nice hips but pretty generally average. conventionally attractive in a "plain" way if i cared to shave everything and play with makeup, but usually i don't because i'm totally cool with being attractive in less conventional ways. on most days, i wear leggings and either sweaters or crop tops depending on the weather. i've had mad body issues my whole life and am just starting to get properly comfy with my relationship with food.

i'm an *extreme* introvert. not into people at all, usually. i keep a very small circle, the people that i like are everything to me. when i do like someone, though, i'm extremely affectionate, even platonically. i'm also autistic, i tend to ramble and infodump for hours and i am extremely hostile about changes. like, i get angry meltdowns. usually i'm good about communicating when i need to step away and you won't see me go beyond irritable and quietly fuming, but push me and ignore my warnings and things will be thrown and i probably won't be the only one in tears when we're done. i get mean when cornered. something i work on and there are multiple verbal warnings before i get there, but it's how big stress hits me. i have a really sarcastic, dry humor. a lot of people have told me that i come off as really rude and cold at first, but i'm really just quiet and focused and when you get past that i'm good. i have high expectations for myself and others, *mostly* myself. i'm hardworking when i am working for others, but when it's for myself i just don't have the energy. i'm really socially awkward, i don't really understand friendship and am always genuinely taken aback when people call me their friend. i've been called extremely logical, which i find odd since i'm so sensitive and emotional. though i guess people mean i can logically and clearly think things out even in the middle of being very emotional, which is accurate. usually, i'm very much just happy to be here. like, i genuinely don't have opinions on dinner or activities or whatever, i'm just happy to do something. unless there are plans being actively broken by it, i am super go-with-the-flow... which means i avoid plans like the plague so that i can stay that way.

my main interests are the death industry, food, history, and kink. sex work and kink, and death are my special interests, and i will talk about both at great length and utter random. i want to learn to pole dance, but there are no classes near me and i dont drive. also, i'm personally athiest, but i find theology so cool due to my love of death. what happens when you die, you know? i'm more into the funeral side of things, though. i adore cats, spiders, skunks, and bats. currently, i have 2 cats. they are my babies and i would kill and die for them. rain is the superior weather, i love going on walks during storms and sitting outside in the rain. i like most history, but i especially love 1950s-80s and the loose medieval/renaissance era type of fantasy settings. which is fantasy, but i'm considering it history because of how much history research i do to daydream about it, haha. the renfair is something i look forward to every year, it's my very favorite place.

my hobbies include drawing (but i almost never do... dang depression), hiking, cooking, playing checkers and pool (only games i don't suck at--), and researching my interests. i watch an ungodly amount of video essays, tbh. my search history could probably churn stomachs based on the rabbitholes my special interests take me down, and how often i've been uelled at for sharing fun facts. in theory, i'd like sewing, reading, and gaming. for reading and games, i get too overwhelmed and stick to audio books and watching let's plays. sewing i get mad at, i love it when i can force myself to do something simple but i try to get ambitious and i get frustrated and drop it for a year.

i smoke/vape socially and drink occasionally. i cut my own hair (poorly) because i refuse to spend money on something i can do myself and i don't really care if it turns out janky. i don't drive because it's too overwhelming and i will stress myself into a delusional state, i don't think i'll ever get a license. big time caffeine addict, i will throw up and pass out over it.

i try to give off ghibli, grandparentcore, cozy vibes. i say as i give you all of my angry, gnarly, nasty traits, haha.

Your Outsiders Ship: Sodapop Curtis!

Explanation: starting off with looks, I think that he would love you from your soft round face to the fact that you looks so unique and your style and gender identity I just think that he would love that he would eat it up because he’s also the most feminine greaser for a guy and I don’t know. I just think that he would love the way that you dress and he would also like that you’re short he would definitely tease you a lot about being short like whether that means lifting you up to show how small you are doing other things like that he would he would do It. He thinks you’re absolutely stunning and really loves your hair and how awkwardly choppy it is. I just think that he thinks it makes you more unique and he doesn’t mind that you don’t shave or wear it make up. He just thinks that it’s one more thing that makes you really Pretty. Also, he would be very supportive of eating disorder recovery. I feel like he’s the type of God to consistently check in with you and make sure that you’re eating all right and would definitely make specific foods for you. He would also constantly buy you food that you like, working extra shifts at his job in order to make sure that he can make a special meal for you. I personally think that your dynamic would be extremely cute because he’s the opposite of you where he’s a very much social butterfly. I definitely think that Steve is his close friend, but he is a lot of friends around like he’s the type of person that could go into town and see at least 20 different people that he knows and he’ll like wave to them and you’ll be like who’s that and he’ll go into like a short story of how he knows that person he’s definitely that type of person and I just think that you guys could maybe help each other like you could help him with his people pleasing tendencies and he can maybe help you Step out of your inner circle a little bit to expose yourself to more people. (Not violating any social break boundaries ofc) he loves how affectionate you are and I definitely think that he would be one of the only people that would be able to calm me down whenever you’re having an angry meltdown like I think he would be very supportive and he’s extremely optimistic, so I feel like he wouldn’t get back at you and he would be one of the best people to have around for it. He will never push you or ignore your warnings. That’s another thing. He’s amazing at respecting boundaries and I feel like if you let him know about something he would definitely stop. He’s also pretty hard-working and even though you might come across his little bit cold at first, I think he’s definitely the type of person that would try to break the ice and joke around with you at least until you like him because like I said this dude has people pleasing tendencies and if he thinks you don’t like him, he will put a lot of his energy into trying to get you to like him so yeah I mean that’s personally how I view soda. But I feel like that’s one of the reasons that he’s kind of able to break past that layer. He would find many of your interests fascinating and if you went to a long ramble about him, I’m sure he would listen to every word and then I feel like he’s the type of person to try and bring it up with his brother at dinner and if it’s something particularly like gruesome or gross, they definitely have to shut him up because he still trying to talk about what you told him earlier earlier that day. I think you guys have really deep late night conversations about what happens when you die or things like that and I feel like he would have like the craziest most specific theory ever if you’ve ever seen the good place then you’ll know this reference, but there’s that one guy that like guesses a lot of what’s happens when you die in the good place universe and then he’s like famous in the good place and I feel like that would be soda pop Curtis. he would also get along really well with your cats even though he’s definitely more of a dog person and probably prefers them. I feel like he just loves pets in general would get along with your cats

And cuddle them with you. He would love going on hikes with you, and I think he would also adore that you draw, and if you ever drew something of him or inspired by him, he would cherish it forever and just be so in love with it. Also, you should do your make up on him. I think he would love that if you did eyeliner on him I just think he would look so good in it and I think that he would I don’t know just rock it. In Canon, you should never bring this man into a kitchen, and I stand by that it will just end up being a flower fight or something like that you will not get anything done and whatever you’re trying to make will have massive amount of food coloring. He doesn’t really like reading himself, but if you ever listen to an audiobook around him or read to him, I think he’d love it. Also, he loves your special interest already mentioned, but I feel like he would be interested in those topics as well. You might have to break some things down for him but once he gets it, I feel like he would put in an effort to talk about it with you. I feel like he would try to get you to not smoke or drink as much and if you were with him, I feel like you wouldn’t you wouldn’t do any of that stuff as much as usual. Anyway, I actually really ship you guys and I tried to make this long and worthy of all the information you got me so 💚💚💚 I also apologize for the wait

[illwynd]

Not to be overly intrusive but I very much want to hear your rant about jms lady loki arc? Your thoughts about thor stuff are fascinating generally, and it either makes me go " I hadn't even considered this aspect of things ", or " oh that's what bothered me about this but I just couldn't find the words!" I mean it goes without saying that you don't have to if you don't want to, but I haven't heard people say anything about that arc other than it was sexist, so now I'm very curious about your opinions on it.

Oh nonny you’re not overly intrusive at all! Thank you for asking this and giving me the excuse to blather about it XD and thank you for the kind words. I clearly think about this stuff way too much, and all I can hope for is that someone else finds it of some sort of interest or value.

Re the JMS lady Loki arc…

So OK I guess I should summarize the thing for the benefit of anyone who hasn’t read it. The main gist goes like this: Thor is having to call Asgardian souls back into the world after breaking the cycle of Ragnarok, and when Loki is brought back, he is “inexplicably” in a female body. Loki has in fact arranged this as part of a con, using his new appearance to better sell everyone on the idea that he’s changed and no longer villainous, but the truth is that it’s Sif’s body he’s stolen, and Sif’s spirit is trapped in the body of a dying mortal, so it’s basically attempted murder (though Loki’s plan is thwarted and Sif is saved at the last minute). In the meantime, the “lady” Loki is a sexy, buxom caricature of played-up femininity, using her wiles to manipulate the men around her, and through it all it doesn’t really seem to be motivated by any genuine gender fluidity on Loki’s part. It’s just a trick. 

So I can see where the criticism comes from: that it’s sexist, that it’s bad genderfluid representation since it’s in the form of a murderous villain, that it resembles transphobic tropes of trans women being “really” men trying to steal whatever from women. But those criticisms never seemed to me to land quite right. They seemed to be superficial and missing something important. And there are several angles you can take in looking at it more deeply where all those criticisms just fall apart.

I’m not even really going to go into the problems with decrying it as bad representation because he’s a villain. I really hope we’re past that. It’s not good when your media queers can only be villains, but having every queer character be morally upright and squeaky clean isn’t a good answer either, because real people aren’t like that. What I ask for is that the whole range be available, and that for any given character, they are first and foremost an interesting character with believable motivations for what they do. So “but he’s so evil he was trying to kill Sif! Bad representation! Bad!” is a complaint we’re just going to set aside and make dubious faces at, because for reasons I’ll get to later, I think there is an emotional truth to the portrayal, and in fiction that matters far more than any black-and-white moral claims.

So next up, we have the complaint that he doesn’t seem to be motivated by any genuine genderfluid feelings, since it’s all just a con. And my issue with that is that… it’s a very superficial take. He is motivated by gender stuff. Just not in a way that the complainers recognize. 

The absolutely crucial detail is that his target is Sif. I say again. It really matters that he targeted Sif for this con. And yes, sure, part of his reasoning is jealousy over her close relationship with Thor (thorki is canon, y’all). But another part is this: Sif is the only other (that we know of) gender nonconforming person in Asgard, and definitely the only other one that we see as being close to his social circle. But where she is celebrated as a woman who is active and successful in traditionally culturally masculine pursuits, Loki’s gender nonconformity—his failure to live up to Asgardian masculine ideals—gets him demeaned, derided, dismissed. The gender fuckery going on here is that he is furious at the difference in how their GNC-ness is treated. His resentment and anger at that injustice, and he's being a right bastard in expressing it. We stan. 

(I also do think there is something genderqueer in how the trickster considers using a feminine appearance to be just one potential tool in his arsenal, the kinda just shrugging and doing whatever works for his purposes rather than getting worked up about having to do such a thing? I mean. So shocking for a trickster figure, right? But hold that thought.)

So that was where I was with it for several years. But I kept coming back to how relatable Loki is to me as a trans masc person, and trying to figure out why it was that way, and what that had to do with this particular arc, and then it finally hit me.

This scene. 

“Thus is Loki truly beautiful.”

In this scene, Loki has just been able to finally return to his male body (with Hela’s help), and he expresses his relief and joy in it, all while the art makes him look… kinda grotesque. And my gods that is such a trans masc mood. Knowing that while you pretend to be a woman you’ll be seen as nonthreatening and acceptable, and maybe you can put up with that for practical or social reasons for a while, but it isn’t how you want to live your life, it isn’t how you want to be seen, it isn’t the appearance that makes you happy. Constantly hearing how by changing your form you’ll be changing from sexy and desirable to ugly and monstrous… but thus you are truly beautiful to your own eyes. 

(I think it is worth pointing out here, for anyone who might not know, that it is not uncommon for trans masc folks to have a phase of trying to go hard femme before they really accept themselves as trans. I personally didn’t, but I can imagine that the exaggerated femme lady Loki might be familiar to some of those guys. I, on the other hand, had a phase of treating my afab body as a tool that wasn’t really connected to me, so there are some other bits of the lady Loki arc that I find familiar. And here I should note that I’m not saying JMS had all this in mind, I have no idea whether he did or not, but death of the author, baby. The interpretation is very much there.)

And there is another little bit that I want to mention. There is one point where Fandral says to lady Loki, “even when you thought you were a man, you weren’t the man you thought you were.”

And. Firstly, screw you Fandral. Seriously. Secondly, the interpretation of this arc as being related to trans femininity gets a lot more press but that is an insult that is far more relevant to trans masc folks. The insults against Loki’s masculinity are reminiscent of how trans guys are not seen as real men, especially if they are GNC in any way, as Loki is. Loki may be amab, but his struggles are so incredibly similar to trans masc struggles (and really, I can’t be the only trans guy who fuckin loves that: a character who feels so familiar and relatable, flawed and angry and messed up in ways that I know all too well, but also has the goddamn body I wish I had. It’s the perfect combination.)

So yeah. That’s the short version, at least, of the rant about what everyone gets wrong about the lady Loki arc. The sexism, and complicated gender politics, is a thing it is commenting on, and I don't see how so many folks miss that.

[cowboyjen68]

dear jen, i'm in a little bit of an impasse.

i grew up in the deep countryside and moved to the city for grad school. i've been there for two years now and i can't take more, the big city is too overwhelming and i know i'd be happier back in the countryside.

the main problem is that there's basically no rural queer community in my country, and i'm afraid of being constantly lonely and having to deal with bigoted people all around me- for example, i could never have come out around where i grew up. how did you make the jump away from big cities (if you ever lived in one?)? how do i make peace with the fact that my physical and mental health needs are so distanced from my social needs ?

Ah.. country mouse in the big city. I grew up in a mid range town Cedar Rapids and moved to sort of a suburban rural community between Cedar Rapids and Iowa City in 4th grade. We had kind of a "best of both worlds". Not totally isolated but definitely rural.

I had friends from isolated small towns and after lots of experiences boiled it down to The Theatre. Yeah. Movie theaters. If a town had a movie theatre they had a small grocery store. Those two things meant they never HAD to leave town. Having food and entertainment nearby meant isolation from larger populations. If there was no theatre or grocery the teens and young adults were exposed to larger towns, other people, just out of necessity to get groceries and see movies (which in the 80's were the biggest form of teen enertainment next to malls and roller skating).

I did not go to the University of Iowa. Iowa City seemed WAY too large and distracting. I chose a small college in Kirksville Missouri. My parents (probably knowing I was a lesbian) were like "ARE YOU SURE?" Lol. Yep and off I went.

I did move to Iowa City for grad school (didn't finish) and that is where i met my first girlfriend and the bulk of my lesbian friend circle. Some people will laugh at me thinking Iowa CIty was BIG city. For me it was. In college I took road trips to Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Louis and Kansas City. And in my 20's travelled to New York and Washinton DC for gay prides and protestes so I know a "big" city and I Know I would miserable there.

I chose my house on a whim. That whim being my ex found it and loved it and when my femme girlfriend said "I want this house. Well, we got this house. LUCKILY it is fairly close to CR and IC. While I have only one neighbor (just the right number) who I can see and I live 2 miles from my town of 400 and some I can get to the bigger city in 20 minutes. I work in Iowa City. Isolation is something I can break if I need to or want to.

My suggestion is to seek out employment where you can own rural property but live with in an easy drive to a mid sized city. There is a lot to be said for not so huge metropoliton cities. The midwest, mid sized cities work incredibly hard to create a vibrant social scene. They sponsor art galleries, Artsy Fartsy parts of town for locally owned businesses. Down town enertainment venues etc.

Small town or rural living does not have to mean isolation. It can offer the best of both worlds. When I am done peopling I can drive the 30 or 45 minutes home and see no one from the outiside world if I don't want to. I can sit in silence of my front deck and watch the stars come out.

The internet has opened up the ability to search and explore areas to settle without visiting until you have narrowed the field.

IF my only choice was the big city I think I would seek out neighborhoods where they have an investment in their area. If there are neighborhood gatherings or a clear attempt to share the space as more than just individual homes. In other words, a place where everyone is connected as neighbors and puts time into making it a community. Sometimes pockets of neighbors can create a small town feel within a larger city. It can be nice to know that Carol next door will check on your cats or that Bob down the street waves hello and snowblows the whole side walk just to be nice.

American big cities definitely have these but I don't know how other countries work. Sometimes it is based on sharing an ethnic background but sometimes it is just a lucky gathering of the right types of people.

I know of a few other lesbians in my county. But beyond that all of my friends live within a decent driving distance with two gay bars with in 40 miles. Finding a balance is possible. But it takes research.

Facebook has some pages for rural LGBT+ people to connect and they can be helpful in giving advice on where they live and how it is for them. I bet discord or tumblr might have similar places to "meet" and find out about different regions in your country.

[theyarerealtome]

Ok, but let’s talk for a minute about just how good Nick and Charlie are for each other?? Not only romantically, but how their lifepaths are genuinely changed for the better because of their relationship?

Like, we know Charlie gave Nick the positive queer experience he himself never got to have and supported him through figuring out his sexuality. And Nick helps Charlie rebuild himself after Ben and the bullying, and his eating disorder.

It made me think about how things could have gone if they hadn’t met when they did. Beyond the aw-they-wouldn’t-get-to-meet-their-soulmate-☹ and to the sad, wider implications of not knowing each other.

Sorry for the incoming Way Too Long Ramble about what if Mr Lange had done the seating plan differently.

TW for discussions of canon eating disorders, self-harm and sexual assault.

Charlie

First off, I think Charlie would still break things off with Ben after seeing him with a girlfriend. But the big difference is there’s no Nick to discover Ben assaulting him, and to subsequently confide in about their relationship and reaffirm that Ben is the terrible, awful person.

So, we’re looking at a Charlie who is still carrying this toxic secret alone that could damage and tear away at his self-esteem even more than canon where he fairly quickly gets to build a healthy, loving relationship with Nick who actively combats a lot of the shit that Ben told him

(I wonder if eventually Charlie would have told Tori more?? About the guy who ‘made him feel like it would be better if he didn’t exist’. I hope so, because Charlie, my beloved, while you are an actual angel for not outing that piece of dickweed to anyone, you’re allowed to tell someone)

(Don’t even want to get into if the assault would have progressed further without Nick there. Probably Ben wouldn’t have gone beyond kissing. But it would still be more traumatic, and Nick’s discovery meant Ben was warier about coming near Charlie afterwards. Whereas no Nick means Charlie is constantly on guard avoiding Ben)

More under the cut. 

Unquestionably Charlie still develops his eating disorder - and chances are it’s quicker and more severe than in canon, with all this extra crap going on.

The one bit of hope is that while it might take longer for other non-Nick people to notice his ED, I’m sure they would. Charlie still has a good support network, and someone – Tori, Tao, Elle, Isaac/Aled, Mr Ajayi – would pick up on it.

But still getting help, and his recovery process (especially around self-harm) would be much longer, and more painful given Nick was the one who first got through to Charlie and helped him talk to his parents.

And Tori and Nick were both the biggest supports for Charlie through it all – without Nick, poor Tori has so much more on her shoulders.

The events of Solitaire end up being even darker, as Nick/Charlie are basically the main bright spot in all that. So, you have an even sadder Charlie and Tori

When the air clears after an incredibly shitty few years you’d have a 16/17-year-old Charlie who is working on his ED, self-harm, and mental health, but bottom line is it’s a much more painful journey, and he’s probably more impacted by everything with Ben.

In terms of the wider friend group, probably the Paris Squad Charlie/Tao/Tara/Darcy/Aled-Isaac/Sahar unit still develops. Because Elle was really the one who connected the girls with the guys. So, at least Charlie would have that

But with wider popularity? Canonically he ends up Head Boy and is friendly with a lot of people. I’m thinking without joining the rugby team, expanding his social circle, and having Nick to build his confidence we’re seeing a more reserved version of Charlie. Maybe he’d just be like a prefect or something but not quite head boy?

So, by the end of high school you’ve got a recovering Charlie heading off to uni, but he’s carrying a lot of self-loathing and emotional scars that Nick chipped away at. 

Nick

It feels like in the shorter-term Nick’s situation would be better than Charlie’s – but longer term everything goes to shit.

Initially not much would change – he’d play rugby, he’d have his friends who he doesn’t actually like but is accepted by, he’s in a group where he can never be fully himself

Basically, Nick is ok but he’s not happy – and not even fully aware of how ‘not-happy’ he is

Harry would still have pushed Tara & Nick together at his birthday and Tara might still have come out to him. But without Nick’s sexuality crisis or talking about his openly gay “probably-my-best-friend-right-now” I don’t think they would have connected so quickly

And he never would have been at the orchestra practice to see her again and plan lunch together, milkshake dates etc. So that means no befriending Tara/Darcy and not connecting with the Paris Squad

Things with Imogen would have developed in a similar way: chances are peak peer-pressured Nick would still be bulldozed into going on their date, but without his relationship with Charlie to enable him to cancel, you’re looking at it being dragged out way longer - it’s a question of how many dates they go on before Nick calls things off

Yeah, he would have stopped before they actually became boyfriend/girlfriend, but it’s still a much stickier situation all round and one that leaves him more alienated

Then he’d still go on the Paris trip but probably ends up rooming with Harry and co. so much less fun all round  

On the friend’s front – he’d still have Sai/Otis-Omar/Christian, but in canon it seems like their friendship deepened when Nick got together with Charlie, and a line was drawn over who Nick’s true friends were?? Without that happening, their friendship likely stays more surface level and shallow

Similarly, I’m not seeing a Charlie-less version of Nick having the confidence to confront Stéphane and David

Coming out as bi, having Charlie to confide in about his feelings, and just generally being able to be more himself – all that contributed to Nick calling both of them out on their shit. Without those circumstances, you’ve got a more people-pleasing Nick who pushes his own feelings down, so nothing real gets addressed and both relationships remain toxic and distant.

Obviously the massive, massive question is when and how Nick has his “full-on gay crisis.” And that’s kind of impossible to say. It could still be at Truham over another guy, or might not be until after school (maybe at uni)

There are a hundred ways that could go – but I think the key thing is that without Charlie, the chances are Nick’s sexuality journey wouldn’t be nearly as positive or healthy. (Honestly, it’s often missed just how supportive and essential Charlie was through it all, and how wonderful it was that Nick got such a sweet first (only) boyfriend).

Also remember, Charlie is the only out guy at Truham – if Nick falls for someone else at school then they’re either straight or closeted, and Nick is hit with feelings that he has to deal with on his own

There’s no Charlie to make the first move, no Charlie to hold Nick while he’s breaking down, no Charlie to tell him it’s ok to figure things out, no Paris Squad to provide queer community, no Tara/Darcy to talk to. It’s Nick alone in his room with BuzzFeed quizzes and articles on conversion therapy

Luckily he does still have Sarah and he might confide in her at an earlier point than in canon, but in terms of actual friends to talk to? ☹

Again, as with Charlie, Nick would eventually be ok. He’d figure it out – but it would be a hell of a lot of lonelier, and he’d probably never come out or act on anything while still at Truham

If his sexuality crisis happened post-school (likely uni) …possibly that would be better?? Uni is less of a cesspool, he wouldn’t be as trapped with people like Harry, and could at least connect with LGBTQI+ groups on campus etc. But on the flipside, it’s a Nick whose had years more of repressing his true self so there would be more to untangle

Overall, whether he’s realised he’s bi or not, by the end of school you’re left with Nick who is doing fine enough and seems content, but is much less anchored in himself, represses important parts of who he is, and lacks a real, close community

Idk, what other people think. This is all assuming that Nick and Charlie don’t meet later during school (e.g., if Nick reached out to the collection of queer students at Truham during his bi crisis). 

But basically, all that long ramble was saying that a Nick and Charlie without each other is a very sad thing to think about, and they’re 100% a couple who make each other better, happier versions of themselves <3

(Also sorry this is a frankenstein combo of Netflix and comics heartstopper. basically it just takes everything across both universes into account. Plus Solitaire, This Winter, N&C etc. 

[coolest-dragon-bracket]

People don't accuse anyone of being a TERF wrongful that shit's stressful - if you have doubts, explain why to the person you're messaging (e.g. 'you've used wrong pronouns for that character, was it intentional ?' / 'you reblogged a post by @/blog, did you know they were a terf' etc)

Uncertainty does not benefit anyone

We as people are quite concerned with how we're perceived by others and wrong perceptions tend to hurt us

Mod, I don't know what made anyone think that but that wasn't my feeling at all. Kudos

thanks, i appreciate it.

the person who accused me of being a terf sent me another ask to let me know they are the same person who was being weird in my inbox. they thought i was a terf because i blocked someone with a deeply transmisogynistic slur in their URL, not even because of the slur (that is why i checked their blog though. when you use a word like that in your username you can expect people to raise their haunches, especially trans people) but because of the massive manifesto in their pinned about why endogenic systems are a cult. that is not normal, and i know this because i have DID and i am normal about endogenic systems, so it is definitely possible to be normal about them.

i'm almost certain the person in my inbox is the person i blocked, because i never said that person's username or offered very much context on the situation at all. to say i'm "publicly putting a queer person on blast" like they did implies that i said their name and sent people after them, which i did not, so i can only assume that they are the person i blocked and they feel put on blast by me complaining about it to my followers. if they're not the same person i would be genuinely surprised, but i'm gonna turn anon off now so if they aren't, they can reveal themself and i'll just block them lol.

i'm just 1 guy, i don't run any other bracket blogs or social oriented blogs, i very rarely connect my real name or main blog to my other projects. they haven't been socially blacklisted or gatekept from any big social circle, which is what they're acting like i'm doing. i made 1 post to bitch about it to my followers and that's all. it is, to put it simply, weirdo behavior

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Hello !! I’d love to request a matchup for mha, pjo, & haikyuu <3

- I use any pronouns & identify as genderqueer

- I am polyamorous, queer, and on the aromantic spectrum. I don’t really experience romantic attraction but I’d be with someone of any gender. For me, I’m just happy being close to those I love whether it’s in a romantic or platonic context. I also enjoy typically romantic stuff like dates and all that :^)

- I am a Gemini & INFP (I think ?)

- I am 5’10, pale, lanky & built like a cereal box. I have freckles and dark circles under my eyes. My hair & eyes are both dark brown, my hair being streaked with white and usually kept down & cut sort of in a shag around my shoulders. I also have a nose that’s kinda big with a bump. I’m almost always wearing glasses & have a wardrobe of long flowy skirts, cute grandma sweaters, graphic t shirts, & fun socks.

- I’ve been told that at first glance I’m a very shy and closed off person, sometimes coming off as cold & like I hate everyone. I’m naturally awkward & socially anxious whenever I’m around people I don’t know well which makes me clam up and rarely speak unless spoken too in which case I’m still soft spoken. It can take a while for me to open up but over time I become a lot more talkative & outgoing around my loved ones. My personality is usually described as dorky, very kind to a fault, a little awkward, and a daydreamer. I would describe myself as very emotional, I’m a huge crybaby, a huge dork, introverted, friendly, and very giggly 24/7. I make a lot of bad dad jokes/puns & will laugh at basically anything. I love rambling about my interests & am very enthusiastic about it.

- I love reading & writing, I have my own worlds that I’ve created in my head and would love to share with anyone who’ll listen. I like reading fantasy & mythology, specifically Alaskan myths because I’m Alaskan. I play peaceful games like stardew valley & animal crossing. I also like sweet things, dnd, music, & animation.

- I dislike big social events & loud music because it overwhelms me. I also don’t like school since it does not work well with my anxiety, ADHD, and (probably) autism. Too much social interaction can tire me out and cause me to shut down & stop speaking until I can recharge.

- My hobbies include writing, drawing, skateboarding, jigsaw puzzles, & crochet.

- My love language is gift giving & time spent together !! I give my loved ones things I’ve made for them like stuffed animals, bracelets, or other art & will buy them snacks or something that reminded me of them. I like spending time with my loved whether we’re talking or just existing in comfortable silence.

I think I included everything I want to !! Thank you very much in advance <3 👾

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! I hope you like your matchups!

In My Hero Academia, I match you with...

You and Shoto are like the cold-at-first-glance-but-actually-really-nice couple of UA!

You're one of very few people who has heard Shoto genuinely laugh. I see him as someone who loves dad jokes so please tell them to him! He's going to have the best time.

Enjoys listening to you rant about your interests. He doesn't really say a whole lot but be rest assured he's listening attentively.

Similarly, he'd love listening to you talk about your fantasy worlds. He thinks you're very clever to be able to come up with such amazing things.

Shoto also doesn't particularly like loud noises or places so he'll help you avoid them if at all possible. He can't do much about the rest of 1A though. There's no one who can make them quiet down.

Please teach him how to crochet! He'd love to have those sort of skills and has been meaning to try knitting for ages so he'd also love crocheting.

Quality time is also Shoto's love language, so you'll be spending a lot of time together in comfortable silence. Whether you're reading, crocheting, or doing a puzzle together, he just loves your company.

In Percy Jackson, I match you with...

The main man himself! Percy is the most supportive partner you could ever hope for.

Loves skating with you! Percy Jackson is definitely someone who knows some cool tricks on a skateboard and he'd love to have staking dates with you.

Definitely wants to train with you. The best way to make sure you can defend yourself, demigod or not, is to see for himself how strong you are.

Always wears the bracelets you've given him. Yes, he knows he's wearing seven bracelets on one arm. So what?

Another one who loves listening to you ramble about your fantasy worlds. He can't believe you can come up with such creative things when you already deal with all of Greek mythology on a near daily basis.

Super respectful of your dislikes. The minute you walk into a noisy environment, he's scanning to see where a quiet spot is and as soon as he sees you starting to shut down, he's gently pulling you over there for a break.

He'll stay there with you as long as you need, wrapping an arm around you and sitting in comfortable silence.

In Haikyuu, I match you with...

Hinata would love to teach you how to play volleyball. But only if you can teach him skateboarding!

Please teach him skateboarding. But make sure he's wearing a helmet and guards on his knees, elbows, hands...basically everywhere.

He's going to fall over a lot until he gets the hang of it (and still a fair bit after than as well) but he's loving every minute of it.

Keeps everything you've ever given him. Whether he's wearing your bracelets or hanging a crocheted keychain from his volleyball bag, Hinata likes the little reminders of you.

Loves listening to you ramble. And loves rambling to you as well. No one else can get a word in sideways when you're both in the zone.

He can be pretty loud but he'll always try to be more mindful when you're around. He's told you a few times that if he's being too loud, just hit him (or get Kageyama to do it).

Hinata would enjoy relaxing with you after a full day of volleyball. He may have almost inexhaustible reserves of energy but even he needs a break sometimes. Those are the moments when he just wants to relax with you in comfortable silence.

[wahlpaper]

Review: Not My Problem

Not My Problem by Ciara Smyth

CW: Classism, Poverty, Bullying, Underage Drinking, Alcohol Relapse, Cheating, Injury

4.5/5

This book is for fans of She Drives Me Crazy by Kelly Quindlen, heist movie fanatics, certainly fans of Ciara Smyth's The Falling In Love Montage, and anyone up for a queer Irish rom-com. I absolutely loved this book, so bear with me as I get the stuff I wasn't in favor of out of the way. First, while the inner monologue of main character, Aideen, is hilarious and enthralling, it doesn't always translate well for the audiobook. There were moments where it was clear what was being quipped inside her head vs out loud and there were moments when it was indistinguishable. My only other problem was that the book seemed to toe the line of believing it isn't valid to be an angry feminist. However, I do think it came around in the end.

Now, I've told you this, why should you read it? Simple! It is a wonderful book you won't want to put down! Aideen is snarky, creative, impulsive, a big dreamer, and dealing with hard times at home. When she finds herself in a position to give her enemy, Meabh (pronounced: Meve) an injury, she accepts. Meabh is a perfectionist, an environmental activist, bossy, and afraid of letting her dad down. She's also running for class president and needs Aideen to push her down the stairs to buy her time. In exchange, Meabh will owe her one.

Now Kavi, he sees the whole thing, but he wants in. He's got a touch of FOMO, a large dose of hilarity, and a decent portion of sweetheart. He's a himbo, if you're familiar with the term. Kavi mistakenly believes that Aideen is used to doing things like this for people. So with a push from him, Aideen keeps doing favors. Along the way she accidentally forms herself a social circle of misfits, perfect for a heist, should one come along.

Not My Problem will leave you laughing and crying. Aideen and her friends have a lot on their plates as they deal with high school, bullying, the problems afflicting our planet, and complicated home lives. Get ready for Kavi's stories (especially one in Chapter 23), Aideens gym excuses, the favors, how much Aideen will do for her mom, and of course a cute enemies-to-lovers story. Enjoy!

[transmascore]

i realise this is a very basic question but how did you realise you were trans and gay

A basic question but... a complicated answer! 

I’ll give the TL;DR first, and then the extended answer under the readmore. I realized I was trans at 17 - I experienced all forms of dysphoria and realized I aligned with manhood rather than womanhood. 

I have always known I was queer, even before I knew language for it, but I identified as pansexual from age 15 to age 26 (as in, literally This Year), when I realized my attraction to women was pretty much non-existent, but my love for men (and men-aligned people) is vast and fills me with great joy.

Full answer:

(CW: Homophobia, transphobia, dysphoria, trauma mention etc.)

For context, I was born in 1996. I graduated from high school in 2014. I was born in a North East US state. Hopefully this helps the timeline a bit in terms of what was going on in the world when I was growing up. Gay marriage would only be legalized a year before I graduated.

I first realized I was trans at age 17 (2013) a few months after a high school acquaintance of mine came out. Before that point, I had no idea what a trans person was. 

In fact, my first exposure to "queerness" as a social construct was when I reached middle school and I was exposed to a horrendously homophobic environment, where peers were actively hostile to LGBT people and spread misinformation about them. Up until that point, I had never thought of myself as being “different” or was even aware that there was a stigma attached to being gay. I didn’t know “gay” people existed. I just assumed people were attracted to who they were attracted to and it wasn’t a big deal. I was actually openly queer without realizing it, having spoken about my crushes on boys and girls. 

Soon I was hearing “gay” “lesbian” “bisexual” - but only in negative contexts. Suddenly, these were Bad things to be. They were insults. Being called that made you a pariah - people didn’t even want to shake your hand. I was so distressed by this that I managed to convince myself that i wasn’t REALLY queer, I had just gotten confused. Because the alternative was that I was a Bad Person, and I didn’t want to be a Bad Person. I remember being acutely terrified when I passed girls in the hallway. I didn’t want to look at them for a second too long, in fear of being labeled as a “lesbian.” I convinced myself from around age 11 (2007) to age 15 (2011) that I was Heterosexual.

At the same time, I had always distinctly felt like I was existing out-of-body. Like, my deadname always felt like it floated past me. It was something I answered to, but it was meant for someone else. I didn't recognize my own face in the mirror, and I distinctly felt like I was "acting" 24/7 - but I didn't know why this was. And, of course, when puberty hit... it was a nightmare. I'd never felt connected to the concept of "girl" or "woman" - but suddenly I had breasts, and hips, and a menstrual cycle. And this increased the already severe feelings of dissociation and not belonging.

But I had convinced myself that all teenage girls experience what I experienced. And that, in general, all people feel dissociated out of their bodies 100% of the time. I remember I used to think a lot about breast reductions, and how I was going to get one when I was older in an attempt to try and feel some sort of agency in my own body.

At age 15, I came across the word "pansexual." This made the most sense for me at the time, and I would go on to use it until earlier this year.  I'll circle back to that later.

Anyway, I came out to my parents at age 16. I doubled down on unlearning internalized homophobia and (what I thought was) internalized misogyny. I got really into feminism, actually, and one of my main goals at that age was to become an activist and be someone that women and girls could look up to. I wrote dozens of papers and poems (to the annoyance of my teachers, who wanted some variety from me) about how pervasive misogyny is in society, unrealistic beauty standards in advertising, sexism in video game character design, and more.

At this time, I felt a very strong notion of being... well, this was before I knew of this terminology. I did not use these words in 2012. But "wlw" or "sapphic." Essentially, having cast off the shame of internalized homophobia forced upon me by my peers, I wanted to embrace womanhood and loving women with my all. And I wasn't noticing boys nearly as much.

...But that feeling persisted. That distinct Wrongness. And I remember clearly, I would stay awake at night and I'd wonder why. Because I'd accepted being queer. I'd accepted being a woman. So why did I still feel so out of place in my body? In my life? Surely, I'd feel at home by now? So I experimented with presentation. I chopped off my hair, dyed it, spiked it, wore a leather jacket, wore a trenchcoat, wore makeup, wore button-ups, wore floral dresses. I was all over the place, just trying to find myself.

And then I thought back to my friend. My friend who had told me he was trans. And I started reading more about transness, and watching youtube videos, and following blogs by trans people on tumblr so I could understand them more. And I bought a binder "for cosplay" (although it also was for cosplay). And I applied mascara to my jaw "as a makeup test."

And it occurred to me that I actually felt At Home when I conceptualized myself as a man. It didn't matter what kind of woman I tried to be, because all this time, I wasn't a woman. I was trying to force something that just wasn't in my nature.

And it was a difficult realization at first, but once I got over the initial feelings of fear and shame, I felt... whole. When I chose my name, Julian, I felt like a person for the first time in my life. I felt present in my own body and in my own head. Everything clicked into place for me. 

I would go on to be closeted until age 18, only coming out when the dysphoria came to a head and I couldn’t hide anymore. I came out privately, to my immediate family, and then I would fully come out and begin living full-time at age 19. The change in my quality of life was immediate. Even just wearing my first “boy clothes” out and about. 

I will be 27 next month and, as such, will have experienced a decade of knowing about my transness. A lot has changed about my presentation over time, as hormones and surgery and being called the right name and pronouns made me feel more comfortable in my own masculinity. Right now, I have shoulder length hair and a closet full of skirts.

It’s precisely like I observed: When I was living as a woman, as a girl, I never felt right. It didn’t matter what I looked like externally, because the framing of my identity itself was wrong. These days, I’m able to experiment with my presentation precisely because I feel at home in myself and in my body. I don’t see a woman staring back at me anymore when I look in the mirror. 

There’s a short film I shared here once, where a trans man has a conversation with his boyfriend precisely about this topic. I no longer feel like I’m trying to be a man, I just am one. And now I’m able to be the kind of man I want to be. I don’t have to do whatever it is cis people think I should do. I can just... have fun with it. Be myself. Be happy. I can paint my nails if I want to. 

Now, the sexuality thing... it’s complicated.

I’m of the belief that there was legitimately a point in time where I was attracted to women. But I had several traumatic experiences, and over time, the residual trauma from that wore me down. I went from being happy at the thought of, say, kissing a woman, to actively dreading it. I’ve worked through this trauma extensively with my therapist, but I’ve found that I simply do not like women in that way anymore. I do not desire romantic or sexual intimacy with them like I do with men, and, in fact, am actively repulsed by the notion. 

And that was something that was really difficult for me to contend with. I would say that I’ve known that my attraction to women was gone since I was... 24? 23? But being mspec, pansexual - had been a huge part of my life up until that point, and it was very difficult for me to let go. If anything, I feel like I was experiencing a form of comphet. Like, I felt like I was Obligated, for some reason, to be attracted to women, because I was a man. But with men?

It felt easy.

What finally helped me let go, weirdly enough, was watching a scene in the final episode of Our Flag Means Death, where the main character - a gay man - comes out to his wife. It helped me recontexualize my own attraction.

"How does it feel... to be in love?"

"It feels... easy. It's just like breathing. He understands my idiosyncrasies. Finds them charming, even. We expose each other to new things, new ideas. And we laugh a lot. We just pass the time so well. I'd call those things love. I hope you find that."

"I think I have."

"Really? What's her name?"

"Ed. His name is Ed."

And, like with my transness, being able to say "I'm a gay man" has lifted so much weight off my shoulders. I feel much, much happier.

Even though I don't feel attracted to women, I still greatly respect them, and I consider myself to be an intersectional feminist.

If you read this far, thanks. And I hope that opening up in this way can help others understand themselves better, too.