#read over 100 books. (would've been more but FUCK it's difficult to read when you're constantly stressed.)

[matrixbunni]

This morning I feel a little overwhelmed. Melissa sent me my onboarding plan for the next week since my start date and it feels very overwhelming. There's ALOT on that page and a lot of it is meeting the team, tours, going on 1-1s with Melissa, and even grabbing lunch with her.

Some part of me feels like I'm being unfair because it isn't fair that I get to reap the benefits of "having a new job" such as receiving the congratulatory messages, the new clothes, gifts, celebratory dinners, while also feeling like I don't want to start the job. I shouldn't get the opportunity to share and update my Linkedin, post about it on Social Media, reap the celebrations meanwhile not want to start it.

On the other hand, I do recognize that my feelings are valid. Granted, I've been at QE for over a year, and I'm definitely comfortable here. A lot of my day to day interactions are only with Susan, and most of my correspondence are made with District Managers online. It's normal to be complacent with where you're at, it's normal to want to be in your comfort zone - and the idea of stepping out after a while of being in the same place is totally normal. I get this, but also...

The other flip of the coin is that I had asked to be challenged. I wanted a new job, I wanted a better paying job, I wanted more responsibilities - these are things I asked the universe. I asked the universe to give this opportunity to me because I am ready for it and that I wanted more responsibilities. It was the same when getting the apartment, the stress I was under - emotional and physical are necessary before reaching a point of bliss. I literally asked for this from the Universe, so it would be a huge disservice to me and the universe if I didn't come into this experience with an open heart, and one without doubt.

It would also be a disservice to the other candidate, who would've been more suited to this role than me - yet, I defied the odds and I got it. So why should I let the whole team down, including the recruiter who rooted for me from the start? Why should I have wasted the other candidate's time if they were truly the better fit? The only way to prove that I didn't waste their time is if I am truly the stronger contender. I have a whole team of people who are supporting me and in my corner, this is really no time to self-sabotage.

I need to lock-in this week, 100%. Read the books I need to read, touch base with myself in more ways than one, and re-coup. The only time I will allow myself to fuck around is Saturday for Chris Brown because that just happens to be the timing of it all. Hopefully I don't feel too guilty about that the next day on Sunday and can spend the rest of the day settling down and readying myself for Monday.

Open heart and open mind, it's not like I haven't stepped into challenging and difficult situations before. It can't be worse than the interview or, you know, all your trauma you've experienced LMAOOO. Will circle back to this.

07/22/2024