#really feels to me like. showing up at an internal org meeting and then complaining that it doesn't constitute effective public messaging

[aeide-thea]

very much an off-the-cuff post so there may well be bugs, i'm still workshopping my thinking here, but—

i seem to see posts fairly regularly in which a member of some marginalized group A is objecting to attempts by less marginalized group B to make connections between discrimination against A and harm experienced by B (the main thing i have in mind here is when people attempt to align themselves with visibly-trans people by pointing out the ways that transphobic legislation also impacts gnc cis people, theatrical crossdressing, &c, but there are definitely also examples along other axes)—

and like. the main objection i've seen from A is 'why do they have to connect my experience to their experience in order to care about it? why can't they just agree that i shouldn't be discriminated against as a matter of, like, compassion for fellow humanity?'

and this reaction does honestly always just seem a little, idk, naive to me?? like, i don't know, it's gotten very popular ime to complain about normies' clumsy attempts to Understand Instead of Just Accepting [this feels potentially linked to like. the way many of us now prefer silently clicking 'like' to producing our own original, maybe clumsy, responses? but don't @ me on that point], probably because a lot of the time they aren't genuinely seeking to Understand but just to point out all the ways our queerness &c doesn't fit their received (unexaminedly conservative) understanding of the world, which feels to us (very reasonably!) like renewed pressure from the establishment to make ourselves fit that established framework, and so we resist… but at the same time, idk, maybe i'm just outing myself as lesser-than-thou here, but for every sort of person i was raised to distrust and have since arrived at genuine loving acceptance/appreciation of, it's involved first coming to understand their frame of reference at least a little? not to say that there isn't a place for shutting up and listening while you're still working to understand, because there definitely is! but i do kind of think this idea that's become popular in certain liberal circles of like, 'you don't have to understand my experience, you just have to respect it,' is fine and true for keeping peace with strangers, but really isn't a recipe for winning friends or influencing people—it's a recipe for keeping people at arm's length where they can't hit you. and then people turn around and want to apply that rule to coalition-building, and get all shocked-pikachu-face when others seek to identify more active points of connection.

...

another ~Radical Objection to Liberal Approaches~ i've seen, though often not specifically in this context (of discussing the way attempts to oppress A have knock-on effects for B), is like—'there's no point in deconstructing their logic because it's fundamentally illogical! insert that sartre quote abt anti-semites!' and like. no, there's absolutely no point in debating their logic with them. but fundamentally when people assert a logical resistance to bigoted positions they are not doing it to Own The Bigots, imo, or at any rate shouldn't be; they're (we're) doing it to reaffirm the basis of their/our own camp's position, namely, we see your knee-jerk fears and reject them; we substitute instead a patient allegiance to logic, that reasons its way into compassion.

that said, obviously there's a conversation to be had here about, like, platforming bad positions, and to what extent deconstructing them is implicitly platforming them! but. i do think that complaining that logic won't win over bigots is missing the very fundamental point that the logic isn't for the bigots: it's for us. we're talking to ourselves; we're affirming ourselves. and yeah, we need to understand that this sort of intra-party discussion doesn't, on its own, constitute sufficient activism! messages need to be communicated beyond the bounds of the party! but i do think i disagree that there's no place for it.

[mrsteveecook]

giving a coworker a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, is it rude to answer a voicemail with an email, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our intern wants us all to give a coworker a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug

A birthday came up for a person in the department named Bob. He is the oldest in the department and has been with the company for over 20 years. He is loved by many and is seen as a welcoming person to the department. He has a particularly jovial relationship with one of the interns I supervise, and they jokingly refer to each other as “dad and son.” The intern showed me the birthday gift he bought for Bob and it was a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug. He said he wanted the entire department to write loving messages to Bob that would go into the mug and be presented to Bob at a later date.

I recognize the intern bought the mug with his own money, but I feel uncomfortable promoting the “Bob is the department Dad” mentality to the entire department. I do not know why exactly, but I do not think it sends the right message. (Also, we already celebrate Bob’s birthday with a happy birthday banner signed by people in the department)

I have no doubt that many in the department will love the intern’s initiative, so I have been thinking about letting it go. However, I am curious if it is more appropriate to redirect the intern to make his gift a personal one for Bob and leave the rest of the department out of it.

Yeah, the “dad” thing is a pretty weird message to promote as any kind of official department gift. It’s asking people to buy into a label for the relationship that probably won’t resonate with some/most of them, and it’s age-focused in a way you don’t want any even quasi-formal gifts at work to be. If Bob and the intern want to jokingly refer to each other as dad and son, so be it — but that’s their own thing, not everyone else’s. (Oooh, and in a convenient tie-in, today’s episode of the AAM podcast takes on a different version of this — an admin who positions herself as everyone’s mom and literally calls them “my kids,” and not everyone is thrilled.)

I’d say this to your intern: “That’s your private joke with Bob, so go for it with the mug as your own gift to him! But I don’t want to promote the ‘dad’ thing more broadly than that, since ultimately these are professional relationships, warm and friendly as they may be.” Frankly, that’s not a bad message for your intern to hear anyway.

2. Is it rude to answer a voicemail with an email?

I spend a lot of time on conference calls, so I often can’t answer my phone when people call me directly. More often than not, the voicemails I get are along the lines of, “Do you have any information about the teapot design meeting on September 5?” Is it rude to answer these voicemails with an email, especially when the response is a simple answer? I understand that sometimes a quick call is easier, but what if it’s not?

I think it’s totally fine, but I’d include some context to explain why you’re choosing to do that — like “figured it would be easier to get you this in an email” or “running to a meeting, but here’s the info you wanted.”

Obviously the answer is different when someone is clearly calling because they want a back-and-forth (like “I was hoping we could hash out your concerns about the X project”). But for stuff that you can easily answer in an email, go for it.

3. My might might deny me a day off because I “might” be needed

My manager is possibly denying me PTO because it lands on the day of a conference that my team “might” need to help with. This manager has historically required weekend travel that was unnecessary because he is anxious and insecure about his place in the org and we all have to suffer for it rather than working for a boss with confidence and boundaries. I suspect this event will be more of the same. In the meantime, the PTO day for me is an opportunity to be part of a huge event at my school (I also work on a master’s in addition to full time work). It is a long-term career growth opportunity to participate, whereas there is little career growth available to me in my current role. Any ideas on navigating the conflict? Or my right to refuse and insist on PTO?

You can’t insist on taking that day off if your manager continues to refuse it; he has the ability to say yes or no to you taking that particular day. But you can certainly try pushing back and that might work. Say something like this: “This event is very important to me, and I don’t want to miss it just because we might need to help with something, when it doesn’t look likely that we’ll be needed. I wouldn’t normally push for this, but this is an unusual circumstance. Can you help me make this work?”

4. My coworker won’t stop talking about my hair

I recently (about a month ago) started a new role, and one of my coworkers (let’s call her Kira) is making comments about my hair that are making me uncomfortable. Some background: I’m Caucasian with a head of wavy/curly hair. I wear it this way because I like it, and I’m proud of it. It’s styled in a professional-looking, below-the-shoulders hairstyle, and even though I have frizz some days, I think it looks fairly good. Kira is from a culture that is different than my own (I’m in the U.S.). She has been coming to my desk almost every morning as soon as I get in to talk about my hair. First, she suggested under the guise of some small talk that I needed to get a product to “deal with my frizz.” I just wrote it off as a weird culture/language barrier issue, and changed the subject.

I didn’t think she had bad intentions, but it has been happening for around three weeks, and today it escalated. I hadn’t even set my stuff down on my desk when she came over and told me something to the effect of “You should go to my stylist, she can show you how to do your hair.” I was speechless. I told her something about liking my current stylist, but I honestly was at a loss for words!

I brought this up with another coworker, who is African American, and she told me that Kira has made comments about her hair before, like asking if it was “real.” Said coworker told Kira that it was rude and wrong to ask people questions like that, and Kira apparently got all upset that someone would be so “touchy.”

What do I do? These comments have been happening nearly every day. I have the ability to be direct with people when needed; I am just having trouble with it in this situation! I don’t want to make Kira hate me, but I also am getting sick of her making comments about my hair.

Be direct: “Please stop commenting on my hair.” Or, “I’m really not interested in discussing my hair anymore.” Or, “I don’t want to talk about my hair with you anymore.” If these feel like slightly rude things to say, they’re really not. They’re just the sort of comments that you’re probably not used to having to make, because most people aren’t commenting on your hair every day. But Kira is the one making the situation weird, not you.

Your measure of success here isn’t “Kira gets the message and doesn’t get upset.” Kira shouldn’t get upset, but who knows, she might. You can’t control that. But if Kira hates you forever afterwards because you made a perfectly reasonable request, that’s on her, not on you (and really, if she’s that unreasonable, you were likely to set her off with something else at some point anyway, and at least this way you get to end the constant commentary on your hair).

5. Our flexible schedules have me staying up too late at night while I wait for work to come to me

I’m a team lead who works on projects for a company that gives its workers the perk of working pretty much anytime they want as long as they are present for meetings, are in for the core hours and meet their goals. All of my teammates come in and go home at different times and the flexibility allows us to take our work home and finish up there.

So, this package is pretty awesome, right? It is! Except when projects are ending. We have a QA process where things are sent back for feedback among members of the team. The team member makes the changes and sends it back for approval. I really like this because high quality content comes out of it so I’m not complaining about that.

The complaint I have is that as projects close, some team members will bring their work home and respond to feedback long after business hours as if that part of the project is not due the next day (but it is!). Which means that the person waiting to check to see if the updates are made also has to be logged on waiting for those to come back in for review. This is stressful for me because I am the last step before the material goes live and that means that I will have to stay up and just wait for things to come in so I can check them. I’m exhausted all the time and nod off on the couch by 9:30 pm and I’m terrified that one day, I’ll sleep through a deadline because someone waited until 10:30 pm to send it to me.

Since I am not the manager, just a team lead and we all report to different managers, how can I approach my team about being considerate of other people’s hours and schedules? How can I say it without sounding bossy or inconsiderate of THEIR time? I’m a little worried about asking my manager about it because this perk may be taken away. I benefit from this perk by being in the office by being in the office at 8 and leaving at around 4. I also bring my work home with me if I need to catch up.

It’s reasonable to lay out your own deadlines, based on when you need to receive work in order to have enough time to finish it. When you know someone is due to send work to you that day, let them know ahead of time that you’ll need to receive it by 6 p.m. (or whatever time you pick) in order to finish your part on time. This is actually a pretty normal thing to do! It’s not overstepping your authority or anything like that; it’s giving them info about how long you’ll need for your piece of things.

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giving a coworker a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, is it rude to answer a voicemail with an email, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

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