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braindeadbaddie · 3 years

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A Study on Love: Relearning What It Means to Be Human

Takemichi doesn’t really remember what it’s like to love. He doesn’t really remember what it’s like to live either.

So he is forced to relearn.

In his first life, he blocked all his emotions out, buried his fiery personality away, and kept his head down always apologizing apologizing apologizing. He never wanted to live through the hell his arrogance cost him ever again.

One mistake was all it took to fuck up his life for good.

And yet one push was all it took to make it right.

Takemichi loves Hinata.

Or he did.

When your life’s peak is in the second year of middle school, where emotions and hormones are always high, and everything is so intense, love is as simple as ice cream on a hot summer day.

His first life was simple. The days bled together, full of sorry sorry sorry. Because he was so sorry sorry sorry. Nothing was good, everything was trash, so of course he loved the only person who ever thought highly of him. Of course, that was the highlight of love.

But here he is, in his second life, with a future he crafted, that he took initiative in, that is so much more colorful than his previous one.

And so less lonely.

He doesn’t remember much, his memories of the current timeline lagging a little to catch up, but he does know that even the him that was left to live his life up to this point, started to feel it too:

The dull gray that comes with thinking that as cute as the idea of middle-school sweethearts to lifetime partners is, maybe it isn’t for him. Maybe he doesn’t love Hina the way he once did.

He loved her so much, and he still does. But not like he did before. Her kisses don’t make him feel strong the way they used to. Her embrace lacks a certain warmth. Her love doesn’t make him feel alive the way it used to.

He doesn’t regret saving her. No. He never could. Because he loves Hinata. And maybe it isn’t the blazing love it once was, but it is still a fire that keeps him warm. It makes him feel so good knowing that he saved her, that she’s alive, she’s safe. She’s happy. But she deserves to be happier. She deserves a love that will fulfill her, a love that Takemichi cannot provide for her.

And so Takemichi comes to his first conclusion about love.

That maybe we can love differently at 26 than we did at 14, but that doesn’t make the love any less real.

Just because something is no longer true, doesn’t mean that it once wasn’t, and that doesn’t make it any less valid. People grow, people learn. People become different people.

And isn’t that the most beautiful thing about human nature?

That we can change. That our lives are in our tiny, helpless but ever-changing hands.

So he breaks up with Hina, tells her as gently as possible, cushioning the blows with “I love you, just not the way I used to” and “it’s not you, it’s me,” and “I’m so sor—“

He doesn’t say it. He doesn’t apologize.

He takes a deep breath.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you like this…”

Yes. That is true. That he feels.

Hina cries and Takemichi hugs her. He offers to stay at a friend’s until she is ready to leave. She agrees because she is too much of a mess to do otherwise.

As he packs a bag to stay at Akkun’s or Mikey’s or one of the other guys’ place for a week or so, he is certain that they’ll both be okay.

He’s sure of it.

So Takemichi makes his way out, planting a final kiss to Hina’s head, whispering a soft affirmation that love will find her.

And then he’s out the door and out of her life for good.

Oddly enough, his first instinct is to call Mikey…so he does and not even 20 minutes later, a beautiful CB205T is driving up to the convenience store he is at.

Mikey gives him a reassuring smile, still unaware of why he’s been called out here and why Takemichi needs a place to crash for a while. He just heard Takemichi needed him, and he was already on his way.

Takemichi settles onto the bike, wrapping his arms around Mikey and sighs, inhaling Mikey’s fresh cologne and body wash and fabric softener.

And as he rides through the city with his cheek pressed against Mikey’s warm back, he comes to his first hypothesis about love.

That love must be warm, and smells like vanilla, cinnamon, and sweet sweet ocean breeze.

~~~~

Mikey is helpless.

That is Takemichi’s first impression of staying with him in the first week.

No wonder Draken lives with him, he giggles to himself one morning.

But Takemichi is helpless too, and he realizes that maybe he wants to stop being so. Because he did want a second chance at life. The least he could do was learn household chores.

So he cooks with Draken over his shoulder, instructing him on what to do in a surprising calm voice. The drastic improvement between each meal is always shocking.

He helps Draken with dishes, laundry, and even a bit of spring cleaning.

Takemichi thinks that this is what love must be like. Because what better way to love than to take care of someone in every way you know how.

Mikey is helpless but he takes the skills he does learn and applies it to the small room he has put together in dedication of his missing family. Shin’s room made from a garage stays the same, a time capsule of love. In the memorial are the ashes of Shin, Emma, and his grandfather. The room is adorned with memories, and a picture of Baji nestled between his siblings.

He has the bunny Draken gave Emma on her birthday, three tattered kid uniforms with Sano Dojo embroidered on them hanging on the wall, a picture of the abandoned building with the collapsed ceiling in the Philippines. He has pictures of old bikes, childhood photos, a first generation Black Dragons jacket and a copy of the photo of the founders of Toman. There is a photo of Izana towards the back of the room, hidden away in the corner, a Teijiku jacket hung above and a pair of earrings lay in front.

Takemichi goes into the room sometimes, talks in a soft voice and apologizes for all that he couldn’t do to save the people closest to Mikey. But he promises them that he will dedicate himself to make sure life is a bit easier for him, because now he can share Mikey’s burden with him, instead of making him feel like he must do it alone.

Takemichi looks at all the photos, radiating love, of all of Mikey’s loss, and finally realizes why Kisaki was able to manipulate him into going dark in so many future. Why he still lost his way, even without Kisaki.

And so Takemichi, belatedly, comes to his second conclusion on love.

That love is what makes us human.

It is what fills our lives with color. It connects us to one another, makes life worth living. The two are connected, needing one another so that life does not become bleak and gray. Love hurts, but the hurt is only possible because of love.

Love is our first language.

And Takemichi so desperately wants to use his second life to become more human.

So he makes dorayaki on days that Mikey’s eyes look far away. They’re awful at first; Mikey makes a very disgusted face and a dramatic show of spitting them out. But it still doesn’t fail to bring his eyes back to the present. And Takemichi is determined and stubborn, and if he could fix the future, he can make the perfect dorayaki for his best friend.

So he consults with Draken and the internet and slowly but surely, manages to make a dorayaki so perfect that Mikey’s eyes shine and shimmer and look at him with so much emotion he feels paralyzed in place.

Ah, Takemichi thinks helplessly. That is what love must look like.

~~~

Takemichi moves in with Mikey and Draken.

It’s something brought up by Mikey, co-signed by Draken, and so it instantly becomes a course of action, no matter how badly Takemichi wants to protest.

But he doesn’t.

Because Takemichi thinks that home feels a lot more like a traditional Japanese house, right next to a dojo, with a garage time-capsule than a shitty apartment with paper-thin walls and shitty neighbors.

Home is mornings with Draken wrapped up in a blue-gray apron with a small dragon stitched into the corner pocket, made with love by Mitsuya, making a traditional Japanese breakfast, cursing out Mikey for always waking up so late.

Home is Mikey stumbling into the kitchen, looking more like an adorable 12 year old than a full grown man who could kill you with one kick.

Home is running his hair through black locks on the porch that overlooks a small garden, because Mikey is clingy and says Takemichi is so warm and insisting that he must nap in his lap every Sunday afternoon.

Home is growing fresh vegetables with Draken in the garden to make meals filled with love. It’s the perfect balance of a noisy kitchen while making dinner and a cup of calming tea in the dead quiet before bed.

And so Takemichi comes to his third conclusion about love.

That love is what makes a home.

~~~

Chifuyuu runs a pet shop with Kazutora because he still loves Baji.

Hakkai is a model because he spent so much time around Mitsuya because he loves him.

Smiley and Angry run a ramen shop together, balancing one another, because they love each other.

Mitsuya is a fashion designer because he started sewing for his two baby sisters who he loves so much.

Pey-yan is Pah-chin’s assistant because he loves him.

Draken lives with and takes care of Mikey because he loves him.

Mikey made and disbanded Toman because he loves his friends.

And so Takemichi comes to his fourth conclusion on love.

That love is a lot less like fire, and a lot more like water.

That love is not in burning the world for someone, but building a world for them instead. It is nurturing, it is life, and it refreshes. It makes up so much of who we are.

Sometimes it is soft like a drizzling rain. Sometimes it is sweet like a cool, crisp glass of water. Sometimes it is harsh like a thunderstorm. Sometimes it can be damaging like a brutal tsunami.

But it always always always nourishes the Earth. Even if the pits of it are dark and scary, unknown trenches of deep deep ocean.

Love is so integral to our being.

~~~

Takemichi is slowly but surely learning what it means to be human. He is slowly but surely learning to live each day as if it were precious.

He takes morning runs with Draken. He fosters an environment of forgiveness at work between his employees. He eats ramen at the twin’s shop. He gets bi-weekly haircuts from Akkun. He wears his special Mitsuya-made apron as he cooks dinner. He buys the magazines Hakkai is featured in. He hangs out with Chifuyuu every Friday night. He still talks to Hina and Naoto, loving the way that the light in Hina’s eyes shine brighter than they ever did with him.

And every morning, and every night, in a small futon, he kisses Mikey, sweet and lovingly.

He holds Mikey close to his chest, guarding him from drifting far away into a sea of sorrow ever again. He whispers sweet nothings into his ear, calling him Manjirou on days he sees dark clouds rolling in his eyes. He kisses him like he is trying to pour all the love he feels into Mikey’s heart.

He lets Mikey cry out about how hard life has been, and how much he has suffered. He kisses away his tears, shares his burdens, and wraps him in warm warm love.

Because he has come to a fifth conclusion about love.

That love, to him, is a fierce desire to save someone.

And hasn’t his whole second life been dedicated to saving Mikey?

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