#rly loved? idk. as opposed to kind of falling into history. like not to be cliche but it rly felt like. smthn i fell in love with and didn' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

megkuna · 10 months

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it is very hard for me to come to terms with the idea that like. actually people can't just be whatever they want to be. like as fantastic as the idea of shedding whatever habits u have and ur way of thinking and replacing it with something new is like i have found that to be like. literally. impossible for me. like sometimes i wake up like maybe i can become the sort of person who actually believes in these self-help books or like is very passionate about science. or whatever. i'll be the person who makes small talk with others at the grocery store line. and i've tried. sometimes i've tried rly hard and those things always felt like a particularly difficult performance as opposed to things i'm more "naturally" drawn to. idk. tbh. maybe i'm just overthinking a lot of things atm.

#i don't think it's a matter of time or intentionality either which people always try to say #like i tried to be the person into biochemistry rly hard for like. 4yrs of my life actually #and i was intentional about it and learned everything and got so much experience in it and found things within it i liked. but never #rly loved? idk. as opposed to kind of falling into history. like not to be cliche but it rly felt like. smthn i fell in love with and didn'#have to force?#i've tried rly hard these past 3 months to become the sort of person who could like this job. which is why i'm having this crisis lol #like i just can't. and part of me feels like? kind of upset about it. i guess. what do you mean i'm not a machine and i can just #clean up a few files and start over?#i know that sounds insane but it's the way i've always thought about myself. like u can edit and overwrite over and over again. to make #smthn new but that's not rly true.

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