#should have picked yesterday when I wasn't uncontrollably seeing bodies dripping blood from the ceiling
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#tag talk#“I'm gonna spend all of today with you!” sorry you're 24 hours too late Ive already started dreaming of murdering people with my bare hands#should have picked yesterday when I wasn't uncontrollably seeing bodies dripping blood from the ceiling#anyway guess we go stone-faced today and question every single intention and context because I do not have the energy to figure out reality#please don't like this please don't respond obviously I can't stop you but I just want to complain I just want to scream#I just want to yell into the void can you give me that? I just need emptiness to scream into.#I don't want to scream into a pillow I want to scream into the endless sky.#I do not want to fill a vessel with my vitriol I want to dissolve it into a solution of sunlight and burn away the hatred I feel#I want to kill and maim and hurt. I want to be killed and be maimed and be hurt. I want to dissolve into nothing and make it all stop#I just want to be home I just want to be home I just want to be home I just want to be home#if you wanted to spend time with me you shouldn't have let me rot this long. if you move me I will crumble into punky wood full of woodlice#if you wanted to talk to me you shouldn't have left me alone inside the caverns of my fucking brain for so long#if you wanted me to be kind you shouldn't have asked for my fucking opinion#I will be normal again in a week but I am crumbling under this stress I am breaking and eroding and rotting away from the inside#it's super fucking cool how I can have the exact same experience seven years later that I did when I graduated.#congratulations you're now too old to hang out with your friends because they're two years younger than you and you're an adult now#congratulations you have to hang out with your peers who you've never connected with and always been seen as a freak to them#congratulations everyone is separating off into their friend groups and you're kicked out of your old ones so now you're alone#yeah this is a great graduation party you just sit in a corner and do nothing except wait for people to give you stale social niceties#everyone goes off with their friends and you're left to sit on the couch and read a book all alone#you'll never be invited and inviting yourself is rude so you just sit in the corner talking to yourself and fighting as your brain spins#growing up means growing out of what you know without ever having anything to grow into#growing up means being given responsibilities you've never been taught how to manage and you have no ability to learn on your own#growing up means all your support structures are yanked from beneath you because you're old enough to do it on your own now#thrown in the deep end because you should have learned to swim by now. everyone else did. why didn't you?#come on. everyone else can swim already. just try harder. stop faking it. you're just lazy. just ask for help - no I won't give you any#oh hey why are you so sad? you don't have any valid reason. stop trying to kill yourself you're literally fine just ask for help it's easy#fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck
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