#so fuck you the BAD ex who said i had something wrong w my vagina bc how DARE i find penetration uncomfy!!!

[bensakindofmagic]

Chapter Four

A/N: things are starting to heat up a little... as always, if you want to be tagged just drop me a message, feedback always welcome/encouraged etc etc

Warnings: mentions of sex, bit of swearing

w/c: 2.2k+

Chapter Four

You and the guys were chowing down on some much needed lunch after a hectic morning of shooting, and finally had a moment to chat.

“So how’d it go last night, Ben?” Joe asked with faux lightness.

His cheeks looked a little flushed as he pushed his pasta around the plate. “Yeah good.”

“Oh come on, we need more detail than that!” Rami laughed.

“I hear you didn’t get back to your trailer until the small hours of this morning,” you grinned. “Must be exhausted.” You shot him a wink over the edge of your cup as you took a sip. Ben’s cheeks burnt bright red.

“Well well well, Mr Smooth Talker. So much for needing practice,” Joe said provocatively.

“Who needs practice when you’ve got bone structure like that?” Gwil chirped.

Ben chuckled, “Coming from you, mate.”

“Before you lot start making out with each other, can you actually tell us what happened?” you interjected.

“What is there to tell?” he asked between mouthfuls of food, “We had sex and then I left.”

“Oh come on! Where’s the romance?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it romantic.”

You rolled your eyes, “I want all the juicy details.”

“Well we chatted for a while, we went outside for some air, I kissed her, we went back to her place.”

“Oh my god, boys,” you muttered under your breath. “What was the sex like?”

“Is that what you were asking?” he spluttered.

You moaned, exasperated, “Of course that’s what I was asking.”

“It was good I suppose.”

“Ben, babe, for the love of god you’re going to have to do better than that.”

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, clearly mortified, but you were desperate for details and had gone too far to turn back now. You prompted, “This was your first time sleeping with someone after your girlfriend, right? What was it like.”

He looked up at you, still embarrassed but it appeared as though he was willing to share, “Weird. Not bad, but strange. She felt... I dunno, different.” You nodded, encouraging him to continue. “I didn’t know what to do.” His cheeks flamed red as he realised what he’d said and quickly stammered, “I mean I knew what to do I just— I didn’t know what she liked, I got used to things with my ex and— oh shut up, Joe.”

You giggled as the guys ribbed him for his faux pas.

“Mate, if we need to have a chat about the birds and the bees just say,” Gwil mocked.

Joe quickly jumped on the bandwagon, “So the vagina is your main target, but you need to know where the clit is too—“

“Guys, give it up,” he groaned, cradling his head in his hands.

You decided to rescue him, “Keep going Ben. You said she was different.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, glaring at the guys, “I couldn’t really read her. She was kinda shy too, so she didn’t tell me what she wanted either.”

He was met with a chorus of sympathetic grumbles, but did not continue. You looked at him expectantly but he stayed silent. “Is that it?”

He looked at you perplexed, “What else do you want me to say?”

You heaved a sigh, “Girls are so much better at this.”

“Okay, what do girls say then?” Joe challenged.

You shrugged, “The usual, you know, if he made you come, if he found your G spot, if he went down on you, how big his dick was—”

Joe spluttered and choked on his drink, “You talk about that?”

Your eyes shifted between them, confused at their reactions.

“I thought size didn’t matter,” Gwil offered.

“Oh no, it matters.” You were met with four expressions of mild horror, so you qualified, “It’s just not the most important thing. The most important thing is how you use what you’ve got. A big dick is a head start.”

“Your turn then,” Rami grinned, “Best sex you ever had.”

“Oh easy, my ex Matteo. I met him during my year in Italy and I swear to god there must be something in the water over there cause the things he could do with his tongue… No one else has made me quiver like he did.” The four of them were clearly taken aback by your openness, as they were staring at you open-mouthed. “He used to fucking worship me,” you said wistfully. So lost in your memories of him, you were oblivious to the way Ben’s grip tightened on his cutlery, knuckles white and jaw clenched fast.

“Am I interrupting?” Josh goaded as he came up behind you. “You guys are needed back on set.”

“Back to work, kiddos,” you said chirpily as you stood and marched off to set.

By the time the evening came around you were all shattered. The day had been gruelling to say the least, with things going wrong all over the place, meaning you were running around frantically and the guys had to do a load of extra takes. You hadn’t finished until the loss of sunlight forced you to stop. The five of you are gathered in Ben’s trailer, Friends on in the background, chatting somewhat lethargically. You were settled down next to Ben, blissfully unaware of your thighs brushing together. It was all he could think about.

“I don’t get why they made Chandler so bad with women. I think he’s hot, especially in the early seasons.”

“Huh, I would have thought you’d be a Joey girl,” Joe mused.

“Is that just because you have the same name?” you sassed in reply.

He chuckled, “You see right through me Y/N/N.”

“What’s your type then?” Gwil asked, not looking up from the bowl of granola he was cradling like it was his child.

“Well the only person I’ve ever been in love with was very classically Italian looking, but he was an anomaly. I guess I tend to go for blondes.” You felt Ben shift beside you, puffing out his chest.

“Is that so?” he smirked, cocking an eyebrow at you.

“Don't even joke Benjamin, your face is so goddamn pretty, it hurts me.”

You focused your attention on the TV, but you could feel his satisfaction radiating from his body. “What if I want to tempt you?”

The rest of the guys were exchanging looks, feeling rather like they were intruding on a private conversation.

“Don’t be cruel, babe. You know that’s not allowed,” you joked sleepily.

“Why not?”

You didn’t hear the seriousness in his tone, or the longing.

“If Josh can’t have me then neither can you.” You shuffled down in the seat, shifting your body so you could nestle into his side. You rested your head on his shoulder and let your eyes get heavy. “Lord knows I could rock your world, but alas, only in my dreams.”

Ben watched you fall asleep on him, drinking in the way your chest rose and fell heavily, and the way your eyes fluttered behind your eyelids; you looked so peaceful. He revelled in the feeling of your warmth against him. Despite all the warnings in his head, he allowed himself to imagine you were his, to picture the look in your eyes as you would wake and meet his own green ones, lids heavy. He would kiss your forehead and you would smile softly, and whisper that he was in your dream. It throbbed painfully in his heart when he reminded himself that it was his own beautiful dream, that you would wake and walk away from him. You shifted in your sleep and pressed your head further into the crook of his neck. It took all his strength not to stroke your cheek, not to kiss you.

“You look cute together,” Rami said. Ben just smiled sadly.

“Come on man,” Joe sighed, “Look at yourself, you’re desperate for her. You have to tell her how you feel.”

Ben shook his head, battling to speak through the tightness in his chest, and whispered, “I can’t. I’m not ready.”

The guys nodded with reluctant understanding, and dropped the subject. One by one they filtered back to their own trailers for a good night’s sleep before what would undoubtedly be another busy day to come. You didn’t wake until they were all gone and Ben shifted, rousing you. You looked around the empty trailer.

“Shit, I didn’t mean to wake you,” he said quietly.

“Where is everyone,” you mumbled, rubbing your eyes.

“Gone to bed.”

“Fuck Ben, I’m so sorry. You should have woken me, told me to piss off.”

He smiled with the corner of his mouth, “I couldn’t bear to, you looked so tired.”

“Busy day,” you nodded. He mirrored your action. He seemed so lost in thought, and he smiled to himself, that way that you smile when you think about someone you love.

“Tell me about her,” you said abruptly.

“Who?”

“This woman, this person you have feelings for. What makes her so special?”

“Why are you asking?” he queried.

“I’m curious. Indulge me.” A blush crept onto his cheeks and his gaze fell into his lap, suddenly enthralled with the hem of his jumper. He shrugged.

“Oh come on, we’re friends right? You can talk to me. I promise I won’t make fun of you.”

He met your eyes and you saw trepidation, but behind that it was clear how much he wanted to tell you, to let everything out that he had been holding inside.

“How did you meet her?” you prompted gently.

“Work,” he replied monosyllabically. This wasn’t going to be easy but you sensed that he needed to get things off his chest, to be allowed to talk about himself for a while, and release the things that were heavy in his mind out into the world. This girl was one of them.

“What’s her name?”

He hesitated, then said tentatively, “I’m not ready to tell you that yet.”

That seemed a little strange to you, and suggested that you knew her, or at least knew of her. But, not wanting to pry, you brushed aside any instinctive overthinking. You decided to go for a more abstract approach, and ventured, “What’s your favourite thing about her?”

Without missing a beat he replied, “How much she cares. She notices things, and remembers. She catches the words that go unsaid, and she makes sure you know that you’re seen and heard. She lets you know that she’s there, she takes the time to care.”

A sweet smile danced behind his eyes and tugged at the corner of his mouth. It was obvious that he was smitten. Just the thought of this girl made him happy, and a pang of longing throbbed in your chest as you wished someone would think of you that way.

You were perfectly happy being single; you found fulfilment through friends and work, and were very capable of satisfying your personal needs (or finding someone else to do it for you). However, it had been a while since anyone had thought of you that way, or looked at you with the all the affection swirling in Ben’s eyes. It would be nice to be cherished by someone other than yourself.

“She's passionate too. When something is important to her she cares so deeply. It’s the way she pipes up in conversation, you know?” he gave a small chuckle, “like she just can’t let it slide. Like she can’t contain everything she feels.”

It warmed you to see him smile like that, like the whole world glowed when he was around her.

“She sounds pretty amazing.”

When his eyes met yours there was a gold in their green. His lips hung open, plump with desire, and is tongue probed his bottom lip hesitantly. His self-assured demeanour had been stripped back to reveal a tender vulnerability, and all the hunger for him that you had been telling yourself wasn’t there flared in the pit of your stomach, angry and inescapable. You sucked in a breath. Jealously simmered like hot acid in your stomach, acrid and vitriolic; it left an ugly taste in your mouth.

It was absolutely not allowed. He was a coworker; the majority of your day was spent getting him coffee. Sleeping with him would very much be looked down upon, and should anything more happen and the situation go south, you would be branded in the industry. It could cost you your career, which was a risk you were not willing to take. You had worked far too hard to get to where you were now, both in your work and in yourself, to risk it for a guy.

But the thought of those green eyes raking over your naked body, those plump lips leaving open mouthed kisses along your neck and collar bones, instead of licking his lips, licking your…

You barely realised you were panting, and took a deep, steadying breath.

Enough, Y/N, he’s off limits.

You stood, turning to the door. “I should get to bed, I’m knackered. Obviously,” you tried to titter casually. He replied with a subdued smile.

“Sure, 'night.”

“Goodnight Ben.”

The second you got outside you took a deep breath of the night air, relishing the feel of it running down your throat like liquid silver. You let it soothe you, and made for your own trailer. You would decide what to do in the morning.

tags:

@anikatcmh @queen-turtle-boiii @orchideax @rogerspoison @my5secondsofneverland @mrsmazzello @ixchel-9275 @radiob-l-a-hblah @devin-marie

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

wanted to pick your brain to some q’s about this situation. don’t mean to play 20 questions w you but I would rather read an intelligent and thought out answer than listen to the insufferable trolls on twitter.

- do you think this decision has been coming or was it made recently?

- do you think zck was blindsided by the demotion because he had always gotten away with stuff before?

- why do you think z was only was only demoted instead of being fired/terminated?

- will it affect b/sarah’s friendship with kala/z? (maybe not because they were just together for kala’s birthday)

- how difficult do you think the decision/conversation w zck was for b?

- do you think this will weaken b/zck friendship?

- will b ever realize how toxic this friendship is and walk away? or will they always have a friendship in some form?

i think it’s been in the works a while.

i bet he’s surprised that he got consequences.

he’s been b’s friend for 15 years, (a) best friend even for much of that time, and i think he’s one of the guys that b changes who he is around to the point where parts of that become him (the mask, at some point, becomes who you are). i also think b really rebels against being told what to do, as he’s said before, so anything that goes against that mormon upbringing, he runs towards, and zack generally represents the antitheses of it to him (it being forbidden by the church, makes it desirable to him). (the false but omnipresent dichotomy, esp in the states, of religiosity vs hints of the vegas strip as a kid/porn/liberalism, a particular view of sexual and other freedom based in snubbing one’s nose at religion when said view of sex is actually based on/dependent on religion’s vision, paring down and definition of sex is related heavily to this and plays out with b i think eg porn must be good because it’s a fuck you to religion, when really, porn looks as it does precisely because of religion.)

kala, zack, b, and sarah are all friends and that would make things even more awkward if they fired him outright to boot. 

there’s been posts on nicole’s, kala’s, etc instagram of them still hanging with him through this summer so... i’m not sure it did. it’s hard because there is a massive rumour mill going around with diff celebs this summer and so i think it reached the point where there’s automatic distrust for anonymous drive-by and delete allegations (which frankly, should be subject to factchecking were possible and not automatically believed if anon shortlived accounts are all/almost all there is). there’s also the massive pileon on b that started about a month after firezackhall/dismisszackhall did, which was mostly taking things out of context, very very implausible sexual assault & harassment allegations, & as things went on, more and more flat out false or made up out of nothing (there’s been several accusations that i have no idea where they come from eg that ggb is about him wanting to “turn” a lesbian straight, him using the word dyke as a slur, forcible rape, regularly exposing his genitals on stage, etc)

with zack, it mostly wasn’t anonymous, but it was still more obscure twitter accounts (eg we don’t know the real life person behind the account even if it is an account that’s been around a while), aside from breezy, dallon, and in recent days, ian (and his sister, two ex girlfriends also said their experiences with zack were unpleasant to him being insulting about ian to sexist/harassing of them). i got the niggling feeling that b’s stream brushed aside b, d and i’s disclosures (focused clearly on fan disclosures/experiences), but that may have been because he’s addressing them privately/in person/one on one.

i think it was really difficult for him. i also think some of the things brought in weren’t... bad and i think muddled the process too (eg him pushing the girl that was running full tilt at b was justified imo and shouldn't have been used to say he should be fired, even how the one where b and zack were mobbed at the airport while b had a panic attack was used... inappropriately?, some of the stuff was just his brusque humor and not bigoted, i thought what he said about taylor swift was ok and not this big predatory “he’s a danger to her how could b let him be in the same room with her” thing, the fact he said that fan drawing wasn’t good but could only get better was fine by me not him being this big meanie).

i also think that second society article from nov 2 was really unethical and gross. and i don’t like zack overall (breezy, zack, ian, some of his tweets eg the drawing saying that girls control males from toddlerhood through our vaginas/vulvas, his use of nonconsensual porn inc screenshotting fans nudes on instagram and turning them into nonconsensual porn by saving them and reposting them/making the wallpaper, calling that poor girl blow job girl not just once, but telling others and calling her it again). but it was a hit piece and really inappropriately used his criminal past of over 20 years ago, including when he was a homeless teenager, most of which were poverty-driven crimes (theft, larceny, break and enter, driving violations, he’s also admitted to drug dealing/consumption, and he also drove/bodyguarded women in escort prostitution, although based on what he said, this wasn’t pimping aka taking a large portion eg 40% plus of their earnings) and not directly violent against others. there is one assault charge that we know of, from over 20 years ago, and we don’t know the context. shameful even of them to use his past like that.i would also like to remind people going after zack for this past and thinking it reveals something dreadful and evil about him that *brendon* used to not only use (hard drugs too), but be the delivery boy for weed, and later deal drugs (eg percocets). (b’s talked about this for years, most recently on twitch, and zack’s discussed his past on kala’s podcast.)

most of what zack’s done and been accused of (as in, while with panic, the sexual harassment, mocking disabled people, sexualized misogny, etc) is within the realm of normalized, widespread male behaviour. finding fault with his behaviour with/treatment of others would mean finding fault with most men and aggregate (average/overall) male behaviour. including in what some of what b has done (some of which is speculative on my part, some of which is known eg violent sex comments, misogynist slurs, online porn consumption). 

i don’t know the inner workings of their relationship, and am only going on some hints. what breezy said in that comment months ago (that zack is a bad influence on b, has cost b good friendships) says a lot to me and she liked a post recently where another expressed shock/anger at b still being friends with zack. but i don’t know if i would consider b a victim of zack  he does seem to be gaslighting him to a degree, although it also has to do with what i said above about it being in the realm of normal and him being drawn to what zack is and represents (rebelling against shoulds and oughts and mustn’ts... eg swearing is bad according to the parents and church, so all "bad words” must really be good/desirable/said). he’s also got anxiety, depression disorders which play into fears, isolation, plus the covid lockdown of this year which isolates him even further. i do believe the four of them (b, zack, sarah, kala) are living together now with the lockdown? correct me if i’m wrong; i’d have to rewatch lockdown streams. 

the fact ian also came out about zack on top of breezy and dallon has me wondering why b was and is such good friends with him. why does he like him so much? i admit, i used to like him a lot of the time in streams even when he was an acquired taste (eg he jokes around a lot, is rarely serious, a lot of sarcasm, being sardonic, deadpan, honesty and not lying but to the point where it can be a little much), some of his twitter but considering what those three alone have said... does he feel that isolated without him? the fact zack is bisexual may also play a role in their friendship (eg he has other nonstraight male friends, esp when he was younger i don’t think b had many straight male friends and had more female friends), but that’s speculative and i don’t think that’d play a big role. 

i’m not sure what b has taken in/seen, what he knows from before, what he knows now, what he knows to be true, what people have told him directly and is credible, so i don’t know if this will change things/make him see him in a different light. like what did he know about zack’s dynamic with and treatment of dallon and breezy before? what did he think of it then? what does he know now? what did breezy and dallon tell him at the time? did they tell him anything recently? show him?