#so my fantasies will go unrealised

[divinekangaroo]

Thoughts from a sidelong chat: fiction / shows that tell stories in a way that make the audience realise how impossible certain power fantasies are tend to lose a large part of their audience along the way.

[elusivemellifluence]

I saw someone recommend Babel: Or the Necessity of Violence: An Arcane History of the Oxford Translators' Revolution by R.F. Kuang as an example of a fantasy story with no romance in it, and tilted my head curiously, thinking about what radically different things a story can mean to different readers. Because when I read it, I saw a significant subplot devoted to deliciously subtle, tragically unrealised queer love story between Robin and Ramy.

It lived in unanswered questions and charged silences*. It was hard to look at, hard to understand, in a world with such rigid expectations and strict social rules. It was a forbidden love on multiple levels, between two boys who were meant to devote their hearts and minds to serving the British empire above all personal concerns, between two boys who were meant to love women if anyone at all. In a story all about the magic of words, it was unspoken, unspeakable, but still not unacknowledged. They knew, or almost knew, and were getting gradually, infinitesimally closer to someday putting words to it, if only between themselves, until Ramy died and all that possibility died with him.**

It's about being closeted. It's about meeting the first other person you've ever known who's like you. It's about inching towards something you have no roadmap for. It's about the long history of tragic homoerotic vibes between British academics. It's about the love that dare not speak its name. It's about yet another thing the Translation Institute took from Robin, that's simultaneously yet another thing the Translation Institute gave him.

It's about another thing Letty's privilege blinded her to. A white woman wanting a brown man, and killing him for rejecting her***, never seeing the reason in the same way that she never saw the racism her friends were subjected to on a daily basis. A love triangle, mirroring the one between Griffin, Sterling and Evie, though Letty didn't know it was a triangle and couldn't even imagine that Ramy might care for Robin instead or that Robin might have his own desires beyond comforting her in her heartbreak. Robin asked Ramy why he didn't dance with her, and he said Don't you know why?*. Later that night Letty wept drunkenly into Robin's shoulder, asking Why doesn't he see me?, and he knew better than to tell her the truth****.

*p. 244:

"She wants you," Robin said. ... "Very badly. So why—" "Don't you know why?" Their eyes met. Robin felt a prickle at the back of his neck. The space between them felt very charged, like the moment between lightning and thunder, and Robin had no idea what was going on or what would happen next, only that it all felt very strange and terrifying, like teetering over the edge of a windy, roaring cliff.

**p. 410

One day Robin would ask himself how his shock had turned so easily to rage; why his first reaction was not disbelief at this betrayal but black, consuming hatred. And the answer would elude and disturb him, for it tiptoed around a complicated tangle of love and jealousy that ensnared them all, for which they had no name or explanation, a truth they'd only been starting to wake up to and now, after this, would never acknowledge.

***p. 503

"I think she wanted him dead," he continued hoarsely. "You could see it on her face – she wasn't scared, she knew what she was doing, she could have aimed at any one of us, and she knew it was Ramy she wanted." "Robin ..." "She loved him, you know," he said. The words came out of him like a torrent now; the floodgates were broken, and the waters could not be stopped. No matter how devastating, how tragic, he had to say it out loud, had to burden someone else with this awful, awful suspicion. "She told me, the night of the commemoration ball – she spent nearly an hour weeping into my shoulder because she wanted to dance with him, and he wouldn't even look at her. He never looked at her, he didn't ..." He had to stop, his tears threatened to choke him.

****p. 249

"I wish he would see me," she kept repeating. "Why won't he see me?" And though Robin could think of any number of reasons – because Ramy was a brown man in England and Letty the daughter of an admiral; because Ramy did not want to be shot in the street; or because Ramy simply did not love her like she loved him, and she'd badly mistaken his general kindness and ostentatious verve for special attention, because Letty was the kind of girl who was used to, and had come to always expect, special attention – he knew better than to tell her the truth. ... He had the oddest feeling of disappearing as he spoke, of fading into the background of a painting depicting a story which must have been as old as history.

(Despite how long this ended up getting, footnotes and all, I'm not trying to argue that my interpretation is right and the 'no romance' interpretation is wrong - I love the ambiguity, and think it's genuinely fascinating how this reading jumped out so clearly to me, a bisexual who spent a significant amount of my late teens pining over my best friend while coming to terms with my sexuality, while another reader with a different perspective saw something else entirely.)

[theblueholds]

Brief Astrology of Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd

I wrote this in honour of Dimitri's birthday last year! I wanted to share my thoughts for his possible big 3 placements of his natal chart.

I've been thinking about it for quite a while and hope to expand on the other lords in the future as well.

Capricorn Rising

In surface-level interactions and the way he navigates himself in his immediate environment, Dimitri is serious, proper and thorough in whatever he does. He is very earnest and dutiful, the burden of his duties and perceived duties constantly weighing on him, driving all his actions and the decisions he makes. 

As Capricorn Risings are ruled by Saturn, the planet of restriction, discipline, and structure, these individuals feel an unduly amount of duty and obligation and this is evident in how Dimitri practically shoulders the blame and responsibility to the lives lost at Duscur. Emotional suppression and repression are also markers of a Capricorn Rising, as the planet of restriction can greatly inhibit the native's ability to express themselves with ease. This is seen in how Dimitri constantly guards his vulnerability, his anger, his grief, regardless if he is aware of it or not*, preferring to mask it with a distant, friendly and professional facade.

(*This can also be why he and Felix are often at odds, the latter extremely displeased by how inauthentic he believes Dimitri to be to his 'true' self that he had seen in a rebellion in Western Faerghus. I think Felix has Aries placements [Aries greatly value authenticity and have a straightforward sense of self], squaring Dimitri's Capricorn Rising [Capricorns have much more convoluted sense of self] thus explaining their extreme friction.)

Sagittarius Sun in the 12th House

Capricorn Rising puts Dimitri's Sun in the spiritual, nebulous realm of the 12th House. The 12th House rules a myriad of things including the afterlife, karma, hidden enemies (including the native), the collective unconscious where the individual merges with the whole, the place of self-undoing, loss, isolation, self-sacrifice, but also healing, and secret gifts and blessings. With Dimitri's Sun residing in this House, it is these significations and ideas that become major and defining themes of his character.

The 12th House also explains how Dimitri is incredibly attuned to the voices of the dead. There is an osmotic quality to those with 12th House placements with boundaries between the real world and the spiritual world becoming blurred and undefined, lending towards a higher sensitivity to things not only of the spiritual realm, but to everything that is unseen. This explains Dimitri's highly empathetic nature, how he can open his heart up to the sufferings of anyone, be it someone that has already passed, and to take that suffering as his own. Beneath Dimitri's bloodthirsty desire for vengeance and justice for the lives that were taken in Duscur is a bleeding heart, one that has decided to carry things that aren't his own to carry (re: his father's parting words to him to pursue vengeance) purely out of earnest, deep-seated compassion and obligation.

This is the marker of a 12th House Sun native, someone whose identity and sense of self unwittingly revolves around and serves the wishes, ideas, projections of those around them. It is not often voluntarily as much as it is out of obligation, a will greater than their own, a calling, and that is where the karmic themes of the 12th House come into play as a very literal interpretation by Traditional Astrologers is that the planets residing in the 12th House represent the unrealised and unfulfilled wishes and regrets of your past lives, ancestors, even your parents at the time of your birth. It may even extend to the greater collective as a whole.

The heavy sense of loss and sorrow hanging over Dimitri as a result of being the unwilling carrier of such immense spiritual debt for all these people makes him take up the impossible and self-destructive mission of rectifying those wrongs, of finding restitution for those losses, a task far too much and unrealistic for a single person to bear, and yet he does anyway, out of obligation and guilt (and love). It is guilt that is a defining emotional experience of the 12th House because these natives feel so deeply and so widely and so uncontrollably that they assume responsibility and accountability for things that they shouldn't, for things beyond their control. With the immense guilt constantly weighing and drowning the planets in this realm, the native's focus is turned outwards to benefiting the collective as a way of atonement.

Jupiter-ruled Sagittarius on his 12th House also points at his rigidity in his ideas, his worldviews, and his stance and visions. This rigidity and sense of self-righteousness he has over his ideas of justice is what ultimately leads him to his own undoing in other routes, and also keeps him ignorant and unaware of the greater evils lurking in Fodlan at the end of Azure Moon. The 12th House Sagittarius Sun is lost and ungrounded in reality, too focused on fantasy and dreams that it forgets to look at its immediate surroundings.

Pisces Moon in the 3rd House

In Traditional Astrology, the 3rd House is where the Moon rejoices. As the planet of bodily comfort, nurturing and nourishment, it is understandable that the House ruling over the neigbourhood, the immediate community, friends, classmates and siblings is where the Moon shines the brightest. This is true for Dimitri. Even with the serious and professional front he tries to maintain in his Capricorn Rising, it is no secret to his friends and those immediately around him how kind, sincere, and comforting he is to be around. His attentiveness and depth of care, in that he is always willing to provide safety, warmth, and respect to anyone he speaks with, is his Pisces Moon shining through.

The Moon in the chart indicates where the native draws comfort from and feels a sense of safety, and for Dimitri, this is his friends, classmates, the people around him. Pisces comes in how this comfort is more abstract than material or tangible. Dimitri finds comfort through creating and finding meaning (and also idealising — eg. how vividly he recalls Edelgard in his childhood memories, as opposed how she barely remembers him at all) the smallest moments. Daily and mundane interactions, inconsequential small talk become cherished moments he holds dear as they allow him much-needed reprieve from the stresses and burdens weighing on his mind. It is these very moments with his classmates (berating Sylvain and getting swept up in his antics, trying to befriend and convince Ashe of friendship, learning to sew with Mercedes, working out with Raphael and talking about muscles, confiding in and connecting with Marianne, amongst many others) that give us a glimpse of Dimitri putting his guard down and showing us his inner child that he often pushes aside in favour of upholding his responsibilities.

His Moon in Pisces also supports his already compassionate nature, with his Moon attuned to and focused on the emotional, spiritual, and unseen side of healing, further reinforcing Dimitri's tendency push himself to his limits for others and sacrifice himself.

Other Notes

So, there we have it, an overview of Dimitri's big three placements. This breakdown isn't complete however, not until the placements of his ruling planets — Saturn and Jupiter — are sussed out.

This will take a lot more thought as they are generational planets shared between characters of the same age, though I am leaning towards Scorpio Jupiter (the emphasis on truth-seeking as well as secret-keeping, seeing the limits of belief systems and inducing transformation by going in deeper beneath the surface) and Aquarius Saturn (explaining the shared desire for societal upheaval amongst the lords, of restructuring the world around them but also the wish to enforce their own sense of order for the greater good).

Aquarius Saturn would work harmoniously with Dimitri's Sun, explaining how effecting change in the world around him helps build on his sense of identity and purpose, and also further lends toward his Capricorn Rising's extended sense of responsibility to those around him.

This will be expanded on in future entries (alongside other possible placements like his Mars and Venus etc.) when I figure out these generational planets more fully!

[historiesofabody]

an unsent message, may 2020

S.,

I am trying to accept everything you might already believe: that we can't have a healthy conversation about what happened between us. We don't know how to hold each other's frustration and discomfort. We aren't able to empathise entirely or be patient with each other's emotional responses. Neither of us know how to make a meaningful difference to the harm that has been done.

What I want is to feel like I’ve dropped the weight of what I shouldn't have to carry alone. I don’t want to be our archivist anymore, and I'm tired of feeling like a ghost, a wound-memory, a disruption, a relic of the past. I tell you this because I have been made to feel that this distress is my problem, when in fact it is the consequence - the legacy - of our violent relationship, and it is yours as much as it is mine.

* Purposely forgetting a lot of what happened between us is an understandable protective coping mechanism. But I've spent many years, still am sometimes, trapped in your shame and aversion to remembering. Years ago, sometime after 2011, you asked me directly if you had made me ill. I said no, because at that time I wanted to believe that, and I needed to believe it in order to give myself the time and space to process and recover.

Remembering happened eventually anyway, involuntarily. I am trying not to be ashamed and instead appreciate what it's given me. Amputating the past wasn't healthy for me. My compulsion to revisit the past with you in order to heal it together is a hopeful fantasy I’ve held on to, but I would like to let it go. Your shame seems, to me, so huge and destructive, since it has seemingly deleted nearly two years of memories and all sense of real responsibility. Yet it seems to be what works for you. 

*

When we met in 2019, you questioned why I would be the one who was afraid of you. You mentioned you thought I knew everything about you. That was such a surreal moment, with every anxiety I'd felt about you projected back on to me.

I can't resist the obligation to reassure you that I only ever knew as much as a cursory Google search gave me. I certainly never planned to virtually crash your wedding and had little idea of the brutality of my timing.

I knew there were boundaries I was crossing but, for me, the only observable risk came from you. I almost expected police at my door, harassment charges. At the same time, knowing you were in a long-term relationship felt like I'd slipped the handcuffs of our bond; that pervasive sense of loyalty and secrecy finally broken.

I don’t know how we became a secret. Perhaps the way you hid me from your friends and pretty much ignored me around your family, the way you told me that you couldn’t tell anyone about what happened between us, wanted to know if I did.

The flippant threats too: that you could hurt me if you wanted, that you weren't 'a good person' around me, that I brought out the worst in you. Maybe you remember this, maybe not.

I remember, with so much discomfort, the time in 2011 when you tried to get me back. You sent me messages, called me from other people’s phones because I had blocked your number, most memorably you told me you were going to get on a train and turn up at my door, which really frightened me.

I remember having to be so cold and so dismissive - suddenly, you were the unstable one and I couldn’t risk encouraging any extreme emotional responses from you. I needed protection from you. I knew instinctively that if we were in the same room that you would convince me to take you back.

I wish I could convey my certainty that if we had resumed our relationship, it would've got even worse, and I think I would’ve either tried to or successfully taken my own life.

I remember, at the peak of my mental health crisis, you were scared that I was going to die, to the point where you told me about a dream where you'd found me bleeding out on the floor of your college bathroom. That vivid image of my own death you gave me has stayed with me far too long; I’d like to return it to you now.

So, in answer to why I was, or even still am, scared of you, it’s because our relationship was in some ways the biggest threat to my life and safety I have ever gone through.

*

I found your letters to me in my parents' house; they broke my heart but they also helped me understand why I withstood so much from you. I think I really did believe in our potential unrealised happiness those letters promised; that if one day I could be what you wanted; could just stop being broken or mad or infuriating, then you would love me properly.

You said, last, year that we just wanted to get as much from the other without losing anything ourselves. But that makes what happened seem only misguided, selfish, immature.  It makes it an equal collaboration, shared between us, which is so unfair.

I won't ever believe you didn't know what you were doing, but you certainly didn't want to know, maybe still don't.

Because it’s the way you controlled whether I felt adored, lonely, mad, comforted, hated. It was all up to you, dependent on whether you kissed me, slapped me or abruptly left the house, whilst acting as if I was the heartless one.

It has taken me years to understand that the violence in our relationship became so normalised I did not even think of it as violence; to understand that our relationship was in fact a very typical example of domestic violence.

That’s why it still harms me, and that’s why it shattered some aspects of me for good. That’s why you have to deny it, perhaps, because you don't feel capable of balancing what you did with who you are, who you want to be.

*

When I first met you, I thought you were a lonely and strange and trapped person, like I was. As time went on, I saw you were unstable, angry, emotionally irresponsible. I was always the ‘mad’ one, yet you were just as unpredictable and chaotic.

So, in my most self-blaming moments, I wish I could go back to the start and care for you more, ask you what was wrong, understand what made you feel so unloved.

I've realised too, with some pain, that this last few years of trying to get accountability from you is a strange consequence of having always hoped for the best of you, even when you were hurting me the most.

I still want to believe you could be kind to me, want to help me, show me the care you never did. There's a kind of inconsolable sadness that sometimes pierces through me around 4am, so that I want to beg: how could you?

For too long, I’ve waited for you to tell me, unprompted, that you would go back and change it if you only could, that you really wish it had never happened, that I didn't deserve it, that it breaks your heart too.

It's about bravery, ultimately, I think - to feel such regrets so deeply, to reflect honestly. It's your choice, as much as I want it to be mine.

*

When I emailed you again in 2019, a few days after we met up, it was out of such anger and hatred, for you and myself. I knew I was taking a knife to any tentative understanding or communication we had managed at the Barbican.

I don't think I can really explain how there is so much I blame myself for: staying with you, fighting back, never fighting back hard enough, keeping your secrets, breaking your trust.

Hurting you doesn't feel cathartic though, no matter if you deserve it, because it just traps me with you when I want to be somewhere else.

I think I'm okay with the fact you might resent me, that you wish I would just disappear, even that you're scared of me, exhausted of me.

As long as I can believe you accept what happened. What you did, and what we did. Not because it deserves monuments or memorials or any more false romantic mythology, but because only then will it actually be over.

I know you think it’s already history - gone and done - but I promise you, every time you refuse it, erase it, minimise it, deny it, lie about it to yourself, to other people and to me, you ensure that its pain - its secrecy, its violence, and its grip on us both – stays very much alive.

We ruined that relationship with the belief that no matter how cruel, how vicious, how much pain we caused each other, that it was just us, and our secrecy meant nothing could challenge that.

This is about bringing us out into the light, where all of its pain can be confronted and ended, not just buried. 

I still want to believe you might go to therapy, putting in the time and effort to find a practitioner who specialises in working with people who’ve perpetrated and experienced domestic abuse.

Because this repair work is life-long work, it isn't easy and there is very little reward other than learning how we to not harm others as we did each other.    

*

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to remember this without so much accompanying pain and grief, but I think maybe it was the end of May, or early June 2010, when I came to Long Buckby for a day..

I wrote an account of that day then I deleted it, because it hurt too much..but I know that it felt so very dear to me, so precious, such a relief from all our game-playing and teasing. I felt so calm and sure, and I didn’t want anything else from you.

And I know that this seared into my heart so much trust in and tenderness for you, because I had been very lonely.

I really believed that you signalled the end of such loneliness; that you wanted to keep me safe; that you knew how to. I know that the abuse that followed hurt me (hurts me) so much because it felt like such a cruel betrayal of this first hope for you.

Because you were maybe the first person that I really unconditionally loved and felt loved back by, the first person who I wanted to be intimate with, as well as someone who really devastated me, who assaulted me, who kept me in a cycle of abuse I am only just learning to climb out of.

The fact that all these things are simultaneously true, so difficult for you to accept, is what I live with.

We didn’t promise we would never hurt each other. I don’t think we could have anticipated quite how much we have hurt each other, all the way from 2010 to July 2017 to May 2019, to even now.

You wrote to me in 2010 with this idea that we might one day decide to be kind to each other.

Though that possibility never came true when we were together, I wonder if this is that time; the moment for our kindness and generosity, the only consolation we can offer each other. It’s no longer something we can do with or alongside each other, but rather for each other - in our safely separate lives. 

I do hope that at one point in the future, you’ll be stronger, and be able to hold what happened between us, in balance with the rest of your experiences, as I’m trying to do.

I hope that I’ll become strong enough to know you can’t help me, and stop asking you to. 

[typegripe-blog]

Characters Study #1:

Name: Wiegraf Folles Game: Final Fantasy Tactics MBTI: INFJ

First we have one of my favourite video game characters of all time, from one of my favourite games of all time.

For those who don’t know this dashing fellow, he is Wiegraf Folles from Final Fantasy Tactics. He is a villain in the game and considered by many to be one of the hardest video game bosses of all time.

SIDE RANT: Now it’s not that his fight is actually that difficult, as it doesn’t take that long to train your characters up till you can beat him. The problem is that the game tricks you. Every fight up to this point has been relatively easy without much grinding needed, there were a few battles (like at Lionel Castle Gate) that may be difficult but you can grind if you lose and take it on with a stronger team. But for this fight there are three fights in a row and it asks if you want to save after every fight… which means you can’t go back and grind if you’re under-leveled. To top it all off, this is the first fight you have to do with only Ramza (the MC) and I didn’t bother to put much training into Ramza because I preferred the cool designs of other characters. So when I got this part my 10 year old self had no idea what to do because he could kill my character in 2 hits and took barely any damage. The game had tricked me into getting locked into a fight I could legitimately never win. I didn’t touch the game for a few weeks because I had to restart from the beginning. Sorry about that, just had to get my terrible tragedy of this battle off my chest. SIDE RANT OVER

Wiegraf Folles was commander of the Death Corps, a group of peasant soldiers who were sent on missions that nobles were unwilling to do themselves because the danger was too great. Even with this discrepancy Wiegraf did his job and led the Death Corps to many victories. When he returned home from war though, the nobility was broke and unable/unwilling to pay the soldiers. So all these soldiers were broke, starving and felt betrayed​ by the country they fought to defend.

So Wiegraf created the Corpse Brigade, a group of revolutionaries who wanted to shake the nobles from their comfort and force them to give the people what was owed to them. Unfortunately for Wiegraf, his revolution failed and the Corpse Brigade was destroyed and his sister Milleuda was killed by Ramza.

Without an army to help his cause, and wanting vengeance for the death of his sister, he joined the Church of Glabados to gain the power he needed to destroy the nobility and kill Ramza to avenge his sister. He gains power, immense power that allows him to wipe out an entire castle full of soldiers, but with this great power comes his corruption. He loses sight of what he once fought for and becomes a pawn of the Church. He is killed by Ramza, and there his story ends. A tragic story of a fallen hero.

In many ways he is a representation of Ramza and his struggle to do what is right in a world where corruption is the norm. I may go into more detail about this if I do a study on Ramza but I’ll point some things out here. Ramza and him both have a sister that they care deeply about, but Ramza is able to protect and save his sister. Both fight for what they believe is right, even if it goes against where their loyalty should lie (Wiegraf’s loyalty to the crown and Ramza’s loyalty to his family). The main difference between the two, besides one being noble and the other being a peasant, is that Ramza stays fighting against evil and corruption and does not betray his ideals. Wiegraf becomes so tired and so defeated that by the end he betrays his original idealistic beliefs in exchange for power; making him no better than the nobles he had been fighting against.

A few people that I have seen place him as an ENTJ. And I can see how someone could see him as that, but I think he is one of the best examples of an INFJ villain (of which there are very few). Because no classification is perfect it's​ possible that he can fall into either category but I’ll explain my reasoning for putting him as an INFJ. Note that most of his INFJ qualities are before he falls completely into darkness.

INFJs are often idealists that fight for their beliefs and try to make a difference. Wiegraf fights to make the world a better place, not because he hates nobles but because he legitimately cares for people and hates to see them suffer at the hands of those who would take advantage of them. He fights the nobles out of necessity but holds no grudge against them. He opposes both the capture of the Marquis d'Elmdore and of Tetra, a young girl.

He tries to destroy the nobility by cutting off resources, creating chaos and by attempting to remove figureheads within the nobility. He wants to change Ivalice as a country and not just fight for money or petty gains. He believes that by remaining strong, eventually others will take up the call and the nobility can be overthrown. He mentions that “A pebble may cause a small ripple, but over time that ripple may become a tidalwave.” (I paraphrased that)

He is able to relate to Ramza and talk to him on a very personal level, despite being enemies from the first time they meet. He can sympathise with Ramza, while understanding that one of them must die.

Inherently, INFJs tend to be sympathetic and understanding of multiple points of view. This makes it difficult for INFJs to be villains because often they are able to avoid conflict, or if there is conflict they tend to fight for those who are mistreated and fight for fairness. Some INFJ villains are villains because they are too idealistic and are clouded by their idealism but this kind of goes against their very pitying nature. What happens more often to INFJs is that they become broken.

INFJs are idealists but they like to see their plans have some sort of impact. If they have no support and are not seeing any progress in their efforts, they can quickly become isolated, cold and depressed. They lash out and they either give up on everything; they become a shell of their former self.

This is what happens to Wiegraf. Wiegraf is an idealist. He wants Ivalice to change and for the world to be fair for both peasants and nobles. He doesn’t care about money or personal gain and just wants to see his revolution through till the end. The people under him are much less idealistic.

These people had just finished fighting during the fifty years war. All most of them have known is conflict and poverty. They are tired, they are starving and they just want to survive. They care more about being fed than about fighting a revolution (and quite justified in feeling this way). Wiegraf is not supported in his goals and the Corpse Brigade quickly falls apart.

He joins the Church of Glabados as a last ditch effort to gain the support he needs. They want to destroy the nobility and he is willing to be their pawn to see this through. As well, joing the Church gives him the chance to take revenge on Ramza for his sister. He doesn’t care about the goals of the church but doesn’t see any way for him to complete his goals by himself.

His final transformation comes when he is nearly killed by Ramza. He failed his cause, and failed his sister. He lays there about to die and makes a pact with a Lucavi (FFTs version of demons). This is a literal change as he becomes one with the Lucavi, but also a symbol of his change in giving up everything he cared for.

When he next meets Ramza, all he cares about is destruction. This once heroic-like idealist falls to complete villain. Personally, I think it’s an incredible way to have an INFJ villain. Showing their decline as they slowly realise that there is no hope for their cause and their eventual betrayal of everything they believed.

His whole arch is pretty nicely conveyed in a quote of his: “What troubled sleep have you known to speak of my dreams? No matter how sweet, a dream left unrealised must fade into day.”

Anyways, this is why he’s one of the most interesting characters to me. If you have any opinions about this character feel free to share! And if you have any requests for characters you want me to talk about feel free to leave that too. Thanks for reading!

[almondbiscotti]

Week 2 - Keeping It Up

Week 2, let’s go! 

Has been an odd week. Have been feeling extremely lethargic workwise. Can’t seem to concentrate and I keep procrastinating things. Only small bits of work give me inspiration and sparks joy and I’ll ride on the energy wave for a bit and it just flickers out. 

That said, on the personal front, things have been not bad. Sticking to my goals, feeding my soul. Issagoooood. 

Reads This Week

If I Had Your Face by Frances Cha (3/2021) When I finished If I Had Your Face by Frances Cha, I felt such a sense of grief. That it had to end, that I could no longer be part of the tight quartet in the book, at the sorrows of each character. Ah, the deep, unsettling sense of despair this book left me. I was scrolling through Instagram and was mentally yelling at every Instastory “HOW CAN YOU GO ABOUT YOUR LIVES SO APATHETICALLY WHEN I’M COMPLETELY DEVASTED BY THIS ONE WOMAN’S WORDS?!

This is how I want a read to leave me, despairing and desperate for more. Though I have to say it doesn’t really have a plot, no major plot development, no typical “cleverness” in storytelling. And you have to accept that the 4+1 girls you’re introduced to in the book will remain vague and blurry, like silhouettes in the rain. There is no resolution, though there is hope. (And dread actually, now that I think about it, funny how those two come together so often, Hope and Dread.) 

But the language, it was so well written! Cha is wonderful at conveying sentiments of female friendship and made me ache for my girlfriends. I could relate so intensely to the frustrations of her characters, seemingly frivolous issues about ridiculous intense admiration (obsession?) for Korean idols, other girls who look better than you, but also deep-seated scars, embarrassment at one’s childhood, monstrous guardians and care givers, a desire to be more. I could not recommend this more. I’m glad I picked it up. I will re-read this again.

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig (4/2021)

“Between life and death there is a library. And within that library, the shelves go on for ever. Every book provides a chance to try another life you could have lived. To see how things would be different if you have made other choices”

This was a strange book for me. I thought I liked it. And I think I do, just not as much as I thought I would have. It’s really strange for me to say this because this is literally a book about possibilities. About choices you make that lead you to completely different lives. And I’m ALL about possibilities. This book was dripping with potential and I feel the disappointment of unrealised potential so very acutely. 

I liked the first half more than the second half. Haig spends a good amount of time world building in the first half, talking about loss, about disappointment, about consequence of action and outcomes that don’t always meet our expectations. The premise is MAGICAL, so beautifully clever. A Library of possible lives, my heart aches at how poetic that is.

The second half just went into weird philosophical town. “The only way to learn is to live.”, “But now you’re lost within your lostness.” It got a bit… The 5 People You Meet In Heaven-ish. Which for some people is probably great, for me… it felt a bit preachy. Perhaps if you share similar regrets as the protagonist, Nora, you might like this book a lot than me.

Still enjoyed it though. For the love of the language. Haig is quite a virtuoso at wielding language to break your heart. Maybe it’s just personal preference, but I wish Haig took a more fantasy route, instead of a philosophical, Life Is About Living, approach. 

Kim Ji-young, Born 1982 by Cho Nam-ju (5/2021) I first heard of this book some time in 2019 I think, reading a SCMP article about how there were Korean couples breaking up because they could not agree on their feelings towards the movie adaptation. (Seriously, fucking Koreans wtf?!) Apparently there was great division on how women are treated in Korea, tensions on gender discrimination and The Patriarchy was rearing its ugly head, calling foul on attempts of the feminist movement in Korea.  

At that time, I was more intrigued by how ridiculous Korea can be (seriously, there were people sending death threats to female celebrities who even mentioned they read the book, what in the world?!) so I got a little swept away reading about how intensely chauvinistic Korea is. For all the shine and beauty of Kpop, Korea is really quite fucked up. 

I’m about 20% in and I quite like it so far! It’s translated so there are some awkward moments but overall, the language is easy and regular, highlighting how normal the discrimination and injustice Kim Ji-young faces is. 

Writes This Week

I.. haven’t finished my Kang Trilogy. Heh. I think I need some time away from it and will come back to it soon. I’m noticing that the Kang in my writing and the actor that kind of inspired him are becoming increasingly different. I think the Kang in my writing is becoming more like... me. I hope that one day, I’ll be able to write about things that I’m not familiar with, experiences that I’ve never had before. Practice, I’ll practise till I get there. 

I did finish a piece on Instagram woes, one that I started some time back but came back and finished in like... 10 mins. (Time away really does help.) It’s the first piece I’ve ever sent to a friend for critique and I’m so so so glad I did! I hope this is the start of something between AG and me, writing, reading and critiquing each others’ pieces. :) 

Reading more really does help with writing better! 

Watches This Week

MiChuRi  미추리 Season 1 & 2 on random website I googled out A Korean variety show I started on because Song Kang was in it. Premise is that the participants of the show have to solve clues to find a sum of money hidden somewhere in this “village”. It has elements of 2 Days 1 Night and Running Man. Yoo Jae Suk hosts so you already know it’s gonna be good! 

IT IS SO FUNNY HOMG WHAT. 10/10 will recommend for crack lols. I actually found myself learning quite a bit about the Korean language through this show. Also conclude that Song Kang looks great but he is severely lacking in the reasoning department. Boy is not what we would typically deem “intelligent”. But God Damn his beautiful face! God is fair, God is always fair. 

Extracurricular on Netflix About half way through it. It is really very good but in small doses please. Sometimes I forget that our main characters are just high school students but when I do, I feel almost physically sick watching what they have to do to survive. 

Kim Dong Hee is perfect as the incredibly introverted and troubled Oh Ji Soo. I think he carries the show. Some actors act with their eyes, Kim Dong Hee acts with his whole body. You can feel the desperation rushing out in waves from him, from his eyes to his shoulders to his frickin hair. I feel so much for him even though he essentially is pimping out underage escorts. Ah, CHEF’S KISS! 

The Uncanny Counter on Netflix 3 episodes in and it’s not bad! Though the amount of bullying that happens in Korean schools... is it normal?! I hope it’s just dramatised for shows... Now that I think about it, Extracurricular had lots of school bullying.  Ya... Korea, what the hell is up man?!

Also, none of the actors playing high school students look like high school students. Seriously, some of them could pass off as 40 year old uncles. Especially the bullies. Maybe they retain every year for the past 10 years? Is that why? 

Okay, don’t let me put you off The Uncanny Counter. It’s really quite good. So far at least. Excellent storytelling, great world building, above average cast. A solid 7.5/10 in my books. 

My main problem with it is that the characters are very one dimensional. I wish there was more nuance? Like you can fit every character in typical Kdrama tropes almost immediately and it makes the show very predictable. I LOVE the little friendship trio that our protagonist is in though. Is a rare thing, to find such precious friendships in Kdramas built on just pure friendship with no weird love triangle thrown in to complicate things. 

Listens This Week

Rediscovered some of IU’s old stuff. Like really old, like 2008, 2010 old. I really like her duet with Na Yoon Kown called First Love, and of course, Good Day is great. 

Been listening to quite a bit of Twice this week too. Well, just 2 of their latest singles. I really like I Can’t Stop Me and More and More. 

Kpop still dominates my listening charts this week. Heh. :) 

This week was not bad to me but I think I really need to pull my weight a bit more. May week 3 continue to be kind to us all! :) 

[mymillymollymo]

Stories and Launches: The Blacksmith's Arms

In October last year I attended a Sheffield Off The Shelf writing event organised by Sheffield’s Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers Group. I booked it to shake off the blues and in hope that it would help me refocus. What I didn’t realise was the journey it was going to take me on.

The Sheffield Science Fiction and Fantasy Writer’s Workshop.

When you write in speculative fiction you have to develop aspects of a world, the unfamiliar elements that make it unique from our own (magic, society, technology and so on). The team had an existing world developed for their previous anthology, populated with everything a reader ever loved from every speculative book, both Fantasy and Science Fiction. Not happy with that, they had also developed a comprehensive timeline. Professionals, including Daniel Godfrey, and editor Kathryn Wild presented workshops and panels on how to develop your work, from plotting, narrative and editing. The structure of the day was well planned. For writers, all the heavy lifting had been done.

The origin story of The Blacksmith’s Arms

With magic being lost from the land of humans, and early technology being plundered from dwarven engineers in The Age of Hammers I had my conflict. Whitebeard, a renowned female dwarf was born.  I also wanted to pull in some of Sheffield’s industrial history, specifically the loss of steel secrets. These elements allowed me to play with a little of the steampunk aesthetic which became Pickfoot in the story. However, I couldn’t use a dwarf or human perspective. I needed someone who could connect the two, but was alien enough to both societies. Dolen, the goblin with an unrealised love of accidental violence arrived.  Writing Dolen was a whole lot of fun. The story sparked by the workshop was, I am pleased to say, accepted and can be found in the anthology, Ages of Escafeld, Volume Two.  It is called The Blacksmith’s Arms, and stands with several other great stories set in the same world.

An Evening At Escafeld

Sheffield Science Fiction and Fantasy Writer’s Group will be launching Ages of Escafeld, Volume Two on May 26th, at the Old Queens Head in Sheffield.  Amazing authors, Jacey Bedford and Justina Robson will be reading from their work, so it’s bound to be a great night. Tickets are £2.50 do join us from 6pm!

And no, I don’t think I’ve heard the last from Dolen.

Stories and Launches: The Blacksmith’s Arms was originally published on MillyMollyMo