#so really I'm just holding out in hopes that the endless potential I've consistently wasted in the past will or day amount to some that what
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bruh this weekend has been wild - not substantially: nothing bad has happened - just mentally: brain has not been great.
#dont think it'll change by tomorrow either#wild that I'm less depressed than I was but want to end it more than before#Tw suicidal ideation#Tw suicide#Just for the shit in the tags#Tw vent#Its not even like a sad thing just a practical one#Like why am I putting it off and procrastinating?#for societal standards? Things die all the time#Life moves on#why is it so bad to go out early whether by disease or my own hand or accident or natural causes or whatever#Im here and yeah I enjoy it sometimes- more than I used to- and yeah I could spread good cuz I'm good at that#but I don't remember things that I enjoy usually - I have shit ass memory like that#And why should I have to spread good- not in a spiteful way but just- the world is good enough even without me#so really I'm just holding out in hopes that the endless potential I've consistently wasted in the past will or day amount to some that what#makes a couple people a little happier than they wouldve been? Prevents a bit of suffering people aren't even aware of#how is that any different from my old bending over backwards people pleasing days- I could just sleep forever just end and it'll happen#Eventually anyways so why wait??? It only gets better from here but it's still just buying time#and that's not it - there's the fundamentally flawed spiel - the constant rotting feeling - the stupid fucking observer complex#The the dehumanization realization personalization and those shits - catastrophizing - assuming everyone I know is dead - always waiting for#the next worst thing to happen because bad things only happen to me when I cause them and that trend has to break eventually#But it never does and everything is perfect except for me and yet simultaneously the other way around-& its the stupid observer thing again#and it's fine- it's all fine because the pool is drained right now so I don't have the means anyway unless I went with the highway bridge#But that lacks any grace and I've only done outrught self destructive things when they have poetic meaning because I'm a cheesy bitch who#Draws themself with halos and thinks themselves above - so I won't do anything ofc because 'the world still needs me' and#'i haven't done enough good' and 'I know for a fact at least one of my friends would follow' but that's in his right too- ykno?#this is all out of pocket - I'm so sorry for putting this in a public placei think I got all the trigger warnings but I'm really bad about#That so- idk#time to go reblog a bunch of stuff to push this down my page
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