#so ya blame my metaphysics class for this

[thegodthief]

No Favour To Return

I am breaking my self-imposed exile from Tumblr because I had responded to a Tumblrite on my main blog and felt led to repost it here now in case the intentionally anonymized Tumblrite is still present and wants my response.

“This is probably not helpful, because I’m much younger than you and not part of any community to speak of but: I have been quietly following you since I made a tumblr to follow people with because I was in a cult in my teens and something no one ever talks about is the ANGER and the HURT and the way that it just KEEPS GOING even as I keep going– the way that it so overtly breaks you and so subtly continues to break even years later– but you. You talk about it. And that– that is a light for me. Not because of ‘it gets better’ or anything hopefully trite like that, but because it /doesn’t/, you just live with it better and worse and your writing sets it out so plain– trauma is trauma, and even in the older pagan/polytheist circles I’ve found, no one likes to just face up to the scars. You do, though, and write it so well– I don’t know. It helps, and I can’t say that I can return the favour at all– but it helps. So. Thank you. I am sorry you hurt so much.“

My response: 

That was a message sent to my Tumblr blog quite some time ago. I never answered it publicly there because I didn’t want to expose the sender to undue harassment.

It’s funny how whenever I brought up the abuses I experienced in the Christian cults that the responses would mostly lie at two extremes. Either there would be an avalanche of people declaring that my abuses are why Christianity needed to be crushed, wiped out, and made illegal, and in doing so, be completely blind to the fact that they are continuing the very same thoughtcrime punishments that my abusers did but with a different name. To them Christianity was a virus that required purging even if it meant destroying the youngest and most vulnerable of hosts.

Or there would be a large number of professed Christians who would drown my inbox with messages of love and sympathy while doing their damndest best to make sure I did not identify them with my abusers. But they didn’t realize that in making sure that they stood on the neck of those who hurt me, they were also stepping on the neck of their victims who believed them or could not escape them at the time.

Both groups, in making sure I knew that they were not like those evil people over there, also made sure I knew that to them, I was responsible for what was done to me because of my beliefs at the time. They didn’t come right out and say it in those clear words, but they made it clear that anyone who yielded to the abusers, deserved the abuse.

There is still a vicious judgement from those who have never been hurt in this way when the question of “Why didn’t you run?” is finally spoken. I have had one baptised, redeemed, washed in the Blood™, gentle soul of a Christian tell me to my face that it was obvious that the only reason I remained in the cults for so long, was because I obviously had to have enjoyed being exorcised beaten, because she wouldn’t tolerate even a rude word spoken in her presence.

Those of us who have been prey, have been taught how to recognize a predator. And many in the various religious, spiritual, occult, and/or metaphysical circles have that predatorial aura to them even though they will declare to their own people how welcoming and safe they are. Folks like me who have come through don’t want to trade one master for another, but we are not given space to find out how to master our own lives, much less how to learn how to navigate our freedom.

I have rage the depths of which I am only now beginning to understand in the literal decade since my apostasy. It took stepping back and looking at not only the cults themselves I was involved in, but the actual cultural fabric of my country, my socio-economic class, and the racial entanglements that made me vulnerable in the first place.

But so many people don’t want to look at how all those pieces interconnect to create snares and shackles that are hard to avoid and harder to escape. It is so much easier to point to the Person Who Got Away™ and blame them for being hurt. It is so much easier to say that their community would not have allowed this than recognize that their community would not have accepted the runner because the runner is the wrong ethnicity, age, gender, excuse.

It is so much easier to tell the Person Who Got Away™ that because they don’t know, they can’t help, and because they can’t help, they won’t try to help. And it’s not like you were really hurt, because no one knows that the mask you wear is glued to your face by your dried tears and snot.

After I declared myself apostate, every year I avoided everything possible during the Christmas Season until last year. My family thought I was being surly. My coworkers thought I was being a bitch. How do you explain to people that the church body you believed in and supported had told you that you were too demonically tainted to participate in church body Christmas celebrations, so either stay away or better yet, allow yourself to be locked in this small room with a bible and a chair so you can study away the demons that would otherwise ruin Christmas for everyone else, and because of that, any group gathered for doing something Christmasy sends you into a panic attack because you are expecting to be asked to lock yourself away again? (Or that because of that anxiety, you are not comfortable in any public celebratory group, and you’re leaving so no one sees you crying?)

You don’t.

You make excuses like how you made excuses for the bruises, the cracked rib, the lack of spending money, your unavailability to your unapproved friends, your subservience to anyone with a loud enough voice.

You continue keeping the abusers safe.

That is how the abuse keeps going even though it has been years since I was in the same space as them. It’s just easier to let people think that you’re just “odd”, rather than you’re dealing with PTSD.

Last year, when Christmas season began (prior to Halloween, what the hell!), I stopped hiding. When people asked why I wasn’t at the numerous (formal and informal) work related parties, I had only four words to tell them. “That’s not my thing.” Because of my work, I have many clients who feel they are entitled to more personal information about me and would ask if I was brought up “that way” or if something happened.

“Don’t worry about it.” If they persisted, my answer would be more blunt. “That is not for discussion.” I may not be declaring what was done to me, but I’m not making excuses, either.

I am as I am and I will not adjust myself to make you comfortable because you want to continue believing that your personal value system of choice has never been used for harm.

I will tend to my scars and make myself comfortable as best as I can in the environments I am in now.

And that makes people who don’t have those scars uncomfortable.

So here I am, a decade into my apostasy, and involved in Christianish things like saints, and angels, and prayer, and the like. I have had people drop ugly messages in my inbox about obviously not being able to function like a “normal human” because I’m apparently going back to my abusers. There have been declarations that I deserve whatever pain comes from my actions, because if I hadn’t learned before how evil Christianity was before, then I’ll never learn.

Something something dog vomit something.

And ya know what… that is fucking abusive. That I’m choosing to walk out this part of my recovery from the cults by making the active and aware choice to investigate and explore other ways Christianity can present itself is seen as a sign of mental illness requiring physical restraint is abusive. Those of you who say/type that are no different, and no better, than the people who tried to literally beat the devil out of me.

I will not hide that some of my wounds are still mending. I will not hide that some of my scars itch at the sounds of certain words. But the fact that I can recite the Pater Noster with a grieving client in my office and grant her five minutes of peace will always triumph over whatever ugliness people with agendas try to carve out of my side.

*deep breaths to let the rage evaporate*

My Dear Reader, I don’t know if you now follow this blog or if you are still only viewing what is on Tumblr, but I hope, and pray, that comfort, healing, rest, and solace reaches you. That you are able to find how to clean your wounds and soothe your scars in ways that don’t damage you further. That you have found a path to come out of the pain still etched in your memories so you can create new memories with new sensations. And that however you come through, whether through kink and/or abstinence, silence and/or exposure, stillness and/or creativity, abandonment of what you grew up in and/or discovery of something else to mature in, that you come through on your terms, to your health, and for your recovery.

If you still feel indebted to me and want to return the favour, do this: Live however you damn well feel like living, and we’ll call it good.

I grant permission and encouragement to any and all who wish to reblog and/or repost the above words with the condition that I, Kerian Nox, am not removed as author. I understand how Tumblr ignores posts with external links, so you may link back to this one as your source if necessary.

*resumes exile*

Go all now in peace.

[jaewil25-blog]

Jayla Auset please read this in its entirety.

My government entity is Jamar Rasheid Richmond. Some people call me Búba (pronounced Boo ba) or Jae Stylez because I represent fathers from many nations who have been falsely accused of being neglectful towards their offsprings.

Who Am I?

I am humble. I am altruistic. I am extraordinary. I am being of light who has transmuted that energy into a positive amalgamation of balance between failures & successes.

I was born & raised in the Southwest Bronx, 250 Anthony Avenue, and I grew up kinda introverted unlike the rest of my crew. When I was nine years young, I developed a scientific mindset called critical thinking which saved my life MANY TIMES. This is when you start analyzing everything around you, from family to friends, to conclude daily misconceptions about who you THINK you are and what life should really be like.

Jayla, do you ever feel like there’s more to life than what you see?

Do you ever wonder why school is soooo boring at times?

Do you sometimes feel like moving away somewhere far enough to experience what life is like somewhere else?

Well…I used to question this in school all the time; having me dazed and confused constantly offline.

My Early Scholastic Persona

I was never a book-smart student because truthfully, I didn’t care about the books I was reading. I could read words in a sentence now; I wasn’t illiterate. If you’d ask me what I just read I would just literally draw blanks. I was incomprehensible most of the time in class, but never incompetent. I was an C+ student growing up who couldn’t stand class participation. Why??? Because I never wanted to participate in a lesson if it wasn’t going to enhance my current condition. My classmates used to joke on me because I had a speech impediment causing me to misinterpret certain word structures. Most of our books were written in a format I wasn’t used to. Which made me dislike reading out loud in class. English made a lot of sense to me growing up. Why??? Because of its low vibrational frequency when spoken. Nevertheless, I couldn’t stand speaking English, yet alone, articulate it as my primary language.

I just want you to know that I’m here for you and nothing or no one will ever change that.

Bronx-Hood

My crew & I would travel all over the Bronx to interact with our environment like nobody else’s business and didn’t care who or what we came across in the process. (You would definitely like them all). We used to chill on the block engaged in everything from Manhunt, Off Tha Wall, Dodgeball - using a blue hand ballI, basketball - using anything with a hole in it as a hoop, football - using the street as our field dodging cars & tackles, bike riding like 11 deep up the Grand Concourse to Van Cortland Park, and many other activities I can’t remember at the moment. I tried showing your mother how much love & respect we had for her, nevertheless, she decided to not participate. I remember introducing her to some key components on the block to significantly increase her curiosity about hood life NOT that shit portrayed on tel-lie-vision. I’m talking men who protected women and finessed their celestial presence with greater appreciation for family.

Imagine, eleven guys - with their own personality - acting like big brothers & uncles making sure you were protected from parasitic rodents who would try & infiltrate you & your mother. My crew are creative geniuses who knows the importance of being 2G’s - Gangstas & Gentlemen. My crew have passions of auto mechanics, education, masonry, technical math, applied science & engineering, an eclectic mix of music, theater & art, entrepreneurship, creative masterminds, internal security, natural law, and my personal favorite…advanced technology. We are indeed well rounded. We never act like “tough guys”. We are warriors. We get along with everyone, just some people ironically hate us.

What Makes Me A Solitary Sol-Doer

I mastered the art of fighting WITHOUT REALLY FIGHTING. You maybe asking, ‘how is that possible’? Well, I’ll share some life secrets with you when the time is right. BUT, you must promise not to share anything I reveal to you with anyone; not even your closest love one. Only share it with your mother. What I can say is – some battles are fought in the third dimension, which is the physical realm that you’re able to conquer with your five senses (feel, taste, smell, hear, see). On the other side, there are metaphysical conflicts going on internally that includes knowing thyself first, mastering your level of abilities second, and tapping into unknown forces only activated by your Crown Chakra afterwards. Like I said, I will share more with you and how to tap into this naturally without trying when times presents themselves.

I Never Abandoned You

Jayla, your mother (Kenya) unfortunately never tried to get to know me in-depth when we were around your age. I, Jamar, am extremely sorry for many things I’ve NOT done in your life, but I hope you’re aware that I was VERY involved during your early development stage until I was forced to leave you in 2003 (that’s a long story Jayla). I used to spend the night at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in Manhattan when you were 2-3 months young just to learn about your congenital heart dis-ease. Ask your mother. I sacrificed my livelihood for you to live a comfortable life on taxpayers expense due to your implanted pacemaker. I always knew how important it was for that pacemaker to be removed because of its electromagnetic frequency waves that can be interrupted by RF devices. After work, I would rush downtown so I could speak face2face to nurses & cardiologists about your severe condition. I used to even talk to you while you were sleep making sure the sound of my voice resonated deep within your subconscious mind while you were courageously recuperating from your traumatic open heart surgery.

When you were just 13 months, your mother made a life changing decision regarding you & I finally getting to know one another. (Jayla, plz read very carefully)

Jayla, you’re my firstborn. You are my ONLY. When you were released by a plethora of doctors at NYU Medical, your mother & I had an epic disagreement. This was a very unhealthy situation for you. So, when you were 13 months, I gave in and allowed your grandma to take full responsibility in my absence because she had a scholastic background, Afrakan centered living conditions, and most importantly, a holistic approach on maintaining optimal health. Jayla I REALLY, SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR LEAVING YOU, but I had no other choice. What your mother was going through with her health I just didn’t want to make matters even worst for her. I NEVER - and I’ll repeat - I NEVER put my hands on your mother or anyone else for that matter. I didn’t fight with my body; I fought with my mind…

Your Grandmother Stole The Show

Jayla, I’ve always adored you. I even have your name tattooed on my arm (I got that tat in 2004 when you were 3). You’ve always been my world Jayla Auset. No matter who you currently view as your father or father figure. No one - and I repeat - NO ONE (besides ya moms) has sacrificed more than I have so you can have prestigious support from your environment. Your mother and I are both on your Certificate Of Live Birth which forever binds our lives together. Your grandmother Robyn benefited from a lot from it as well. She capitalized on the Order Of Protection more than your mother did. I was NO THREAT to your safety and well being. But…your grandmother thought if was removed from your life by authoritative force, then her position would be reinforced as primary care giver OR sole provider. Don’t get me wrong Jayla. Robyn sacrificed to take care of you as well, but her sacrifice is NOTHING compared to what your real parents endured during the process. She became legal guardian due to your mother’s medical condition. Your mother should’ve called me but she blamed it on an Order Of Protection that was filed in 2003 for the reason of not reaching out - which was a poor excuse. The real reason your mother didn’t want me to step in is because I would’ve caused to so much confusion, distractions, and down right dysfunctional behavior in your family. That’s the real reason they kept me a secret. So, your grandmother stepped in to care for you like her own giving her a second chance at raising her daughter in an image she wanted all along. Robyn thought her sacred knowledge was the reason for your eminent support. It was your mother’s (Kenya) tenacious attack on the battlefield of Lupus and my extraordinary prowess in the 3rd dimension that kept you safe from malicious intent. I work my mind everyday to provide quality service to the people making sure I don’t promote any cataclysmic behavior or activities. I’ve been secretively supporting you & your mother’s endeavors since you were ripped from her mortal portal.

(I’m deep and abstruse at times…I know.)

What I’ve Always Thought Of You

Jayla…

You’re phenomenally extraordinary!

You’ve always been.

From the little bit I’ve seen & noticed, we have some similarities regarding your personality. You can be a bit silly and intelligently witty like your mother. You also have quiet side - an introverted persona - instilled by your grandma who has taught you well gaining you access to unlimited data in your universe. In other words, you are ENRICHED with wealth generating principles! When we finally meet, I will train you on esoteric wisdom from underground circuits you should’ve learned way before anything else. The foundation of our ancestors will be communicating through our unison. The plan is simplistic but it also requires your mother’s undivided attention.

You Are Everything & Everything Is You

Remember, always influence your own outcomes…don’t allow the mind state of others to influence you. For example, if your colleagues or constituents force a ritual upon you because they are not aware of your delicate condition, you don’t have to fit in…EVER. Trust this…as you get wiser, people will become tactful. Meaning, they will persuade you to consent to something that has destructive tendencies in it. You don’t have to appeal to ANY relationship between you & your peers because of ritualistic behaviors like companionships, friendships, hardships, etc. I’ll teach you how to attract more responsive connections in your life. I’ll teach you how to remain positive in a world full of buyers, sellers, pimps, and hoes (figuratively speaking). Jayla, I’ll teach you lessons about life you could only imagine. Lessons that are not taught in school or any educational institution. Imperative lessons like how to create YOUR dreams into YOUR reality without the Internet. How to struggle smart and live long enough to embody your life’s mission. How to learn about yourself enough to never fear anything again. I’ll start off real slow and incrementally work my way into your respective governments. I grind. I diligently hustle. So, working through the abyss is child’s play for me. Your mother is welcome to tag along; I know she won’t let you out of her sights yet anyway.

YOU ARE THE CENTER OF YOUR UNIVERSE. Your mother & I have blazed a path for you to educate yourself on arcane knowledge, inspire your true inner circle (loyal families & synergistic connections) with intrinsic values, and motivate others to change society’s obsolete ordinances and convert them into your divine essence…Universal Power!

We Are The Afro-Related Trinity

I’m going to share something with you Jayla that I hope you have practiced as well…celibacy. Truth be told, I was a virgin when I met your mother. Your mother never believed me when I confessed this to her earlier. I hope you have very little knowledge on this subject - and if you don’t - I hope you’ve been schooled properly on both girls & boy’s pubertal development.

When I met your mother, back in Y2K, we were raised completely different. Your mother was raised by a strong-minded family of scholars & careerists whom followed everything by the book. I, your biological father, was raised by an eclectic family of hustlers & “go-getters” who did things “by any means necessary”. Your mother was brought up with both of her parents. I was brought up with only my mom & grandma. Your mother was book smart and into poetry. I was into extracurricular activities and technology. Your mother tried her best to fit in high school. I tried my best to stand out. The point is Jayla…your mother and I are something, on the esoteric realm, called quantum engineering. Your mother was involved with her own quantum entanglement and transition onto my side which was a more quantum computing power. In other words, she is like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (ideology of unity) and I’m more like Malcolm X (implementation of unity).

We’re from opposite ends of the same source which is YOU. You are the reason, the beginning, and the only reason to amalgamate negative & positive forces synergistically generating electromagnetic power in abundance. You are the one, of many around the world, who will join forces together and create a better place for future generations of energy beings on this planet.

We must build our Prowess Society so all Earths’s energy beings can empower their environments with self love, global prosperity, and elemental longevity - humanity’s source code under Universal Law.

Wow! See how quickly I can get off topic Jayla???, especially when it’s concerning our planet’s future possibilities. Anyways, Jayla…your mother & I have failed our generation. We involuntarily surrendered our rights to have a lackluster impact on our Omniverse because we didn’t realize what was really important…US AS THE TRINITY - Positive (Kenya Simone 9/19), Negative (Jamar Rasheid 10/2), Neutral (Jayla Auset 10/24).

Nature needs us to showcase supreme consciousness through our inevitable reconciliation.

Time is calling for it.

How will we respond???