#some day i'll start planting flowers and get my fingers covered with dirt and sing loudly

[elytrafemme]

i can’t believe i’m lucky enough to live in this life. even a day of it is enough for me. there’s this beautiful star in the sky that cascades down on the world and creates these colors that exist but always feel like they don’t, like they’re something ethereal. there are animals living their lives beautifully, and there are poems being written and art being sketched and songs being sung. there are centuries of people that have loved and lived and existed in this place, and there are flowers between the concrete, mushrooms across the grass, forgiveness where you never think you’ll find it. and God, the people, there are the loveliest people out there.

how is it possible that i feel hopeless some days, where there’s so much to hope for? so much to love? to live in a world with so many good people, a hard to quantify amount, and music and art and love. and my life, however much i get of it, to live joyously. 

isn’t that incredible? 

i have lived a life of so much never-ending pain, and i can’t say whether or not i would do it over again just to get here or not, because ultimately, i can’t change a thing. sometimes i feel horrible and sick and forgotten and heavy. but there is sunlight filtering through the trees, and a family holding each other, and a marriage proposal. i understand people’s desires to live on different planets, really, i’m made of stardust so i understand it -- but God, though i would grow so tired of immortality, sometimes i think i would love to be here forever.

i was talking about this the other day, this idea of carving out happiness in spaces where it doesn’t inherently exist, and i think i want to take that a step further. i have never not been mentally ill since my birth on this planet, but i have found happiness somewhere amidst the journey. recovery exists. and recovery is endless, and recovery is difficult and sometimes feels pointless, and this, i can say with full confidence, i would do a thousand times over.

i could wish everything to have been different, but that will not happen. i can wish myself to recover, and that will happen. i can permit myself existence in this beautiful world, and i will exist.