#tagging this feels dramatic but i'd rather be dramatic than pu something upsetting on someone's dash soooo

[momentia]

believe people when they tell you who they are

and

trust the way they make you feel

was my big refrain yesterday evening

not consciously, but just a whisper in the back of my brain

i told my therapist something this guy said to me this week and watched her visibly react

and, laughing, i thanked her for the validation

because yeah, no, it hadn't felt good to me when he said it, either

and my retelling had softened it, had left out the tone, the almost bark, the little reprimand

i know i'm a frustrating person

i know that better than anyone

after all, i spend the most time with me

but i try, when i can, to meet myself with compassion

i know i'm a frustrating person...

i also know he lost his temper yesterday because he has a guilty conscience and the cognitive dissonance that comes with doing whatever he wants despite that, but don't take that out on me, maybe do some damn self-reflection without the self-justification and see where you land

the only thing worse than a predator is a scavenger

i'm paying more attention to the way spending time with him makes me feel

and i'm trying to believe him when he shows me who he is

i'm not impressed with either one this week

(and instead of apologizing, he just asks whether i'm mad. why? should i be? has someone been treating me poorly and i've been allowing it? maybe i am mad, actually. maybe i need to get madder)