#tbh i dont have 'comfort characters' per se but i just love them a lot??

[volvolts]

i want to do the "we're gonna have to kill this guy" meme but my faves would definitely be down with murder

[fireeaglespirit]

@fireeaglespirit @viviane-lefay i do worry sometimes with the stories I write if things might be too much for you. To be fair I dont think in any fanfic Ive ever written anything too explicit but now Im so conscious of other people’s viewpoints and being inclusive that it is a concern. Ultimately I write what I want to/need to but I am aware it might not be for all tastes hence always trying to follow ratings etc.

Replying here so it doesn’t cause any problems with OP, etc..

Ohh. I’m sorry if this worried you.. tbh this was very random and I wasn’t even thinking about fiction when I rb this. This one reminded me of a few times I went out with friends and colleagues and I just felt starkly asexual, lmao

About my tolerance regarding sex and explicitly in fiction, I’ll be honest with you…

There’s hardly anything I could say I wouldn’t read about. I just don’t feel ‘triggers’ or anything of the sort, no hard feelings when it gets to fiction and I value your will to be conscious of other viewpoints but its practically impossible to cater to all tastes like you said, so don’t worry about it much… there’s always someone out there who will feel offended and others who will fiercely love it.

As for myself, I’m very tolerant to sexual content in fiction, idk? I don’t seek it out particularly but its not a deal breaker either.

I know some asexual people are less tolerant, I usually just get a ‘meh’ feeling whenever those subjects are touched in much detail, idk some works do get nasty and bothersome because of much detail involving sexual practices so I just give up on them or put them aside when they bring me no joy but I gladly consume material with sex on it as long as I like some aspects of it. Also, I’m good at ignoring or glossing over things I don’t like in fiction… when I read explicit scenes with intercourse it does nothing to me and my eyes focuses on the sentences I loved such as regarding the feelings between the characters and subtle interactions instead of the physical/carnal aspects of it, and this makes it all worthy it.

Even so, some works might become overwhelmingly depressive or repulsive so I might put them aside even if I enjoyed an aspect of it or I might just skip through them and this happened recently to a series of fantasy books I tried to read which were actually really good but they were so overwhelmingly and unnecessarily dark and had an horrid oppressive atmosphere towards women an sex so I just felt no joy reading them? Its not like I was traumatized by its tone but it felt like a chore and I couldn’t care about it further and no character inspired me whatsoever that the world could change for the better, so I dropped them.

But its not like I’m judging it, I just feel weirded out to some things and I just imagine the kind of mind that takes upon themselves the chore to write a whole series of book which has nothing but suffering and misery in them, especially concerning women, lol. We already had this shit in history and still have in some places in the world so I kinda feel like its not interesting for me to read about it in a fictional setting, especially if I don’t feel like the writer is going to challenge the setting.

But I’m aware most people are much more sensitive… these things can be horrid for those who are more sensitive, and perhaps my own asexuality protects me from feeling it fully as I don’t even think of myself as a being capable of partaking in this (weird, I know), so I have problem even projecting.

But I did felt really strongly for the way women were oppressed absurdly and had their agency completely obliterated, so that sparked a sort of empathy or kinship in me which made progress in such book a chore…

You got my point and this just illustrates a bit my relationship to fiction and things that irk me since you were interested in my opinion… I have another example of fantasy book with lots of sex in it:

I read asoiaf even thought its full of sexual stuff but I don’t feel joy at these parts, yet the work is so good on other themes that I ignore it for the most part… but even so, recently I’ve read F&B and it was kinda overwhelming on the sexist aspect with myriads of female characters turned into child brides and raped and dying at their childbirth repeatedly it just got very tiresome and repetitive near the end, because there where almost no counterpoints to it, unlike in the main series where the situation is dire for women but we have characters challenging it more often and idk. F&B just lacked on that front.

So, this shows a bit my sensitivity towards sex is more related to sexism and the feeling that women are confined to their reproductive aspects: motherhood, childbearing, marriage, sensuality, etc.. I don’t have a problem with sexual intercourse per se as you can see, but that’s from my unique point of view and I know some asexuals are more repulsed towards it, but you asked my opinion…

So, if its consensual sex: its not my cup of tea but I don’t feel like its a deal breaker…

Just to give you a positive sex example: when I see an OTP of mine getting to the point of having sex I think its pretty sweet, like when Jon and Dany consummated their love on that boat… I was happy for them, for all that it means, the symbolism between the union of ice and fire and just two characters which I love dearly, finding happiness and comfort in each other. What’s not to love about it??

This is a rare stance I can say I saw a pair I ship get to that point xD

I love shipping as you know, but its more about the psychological aspects and potential for character development and even when I’m reading fanfic about my OTPs I enjoy more the angst and symbolism than the ‘hot’ parts which usually just makes me go ‘meh’ (again).

So this makes me say: when sex is the focus of works I could feel like I’m too asexual for this, even if it regards an OTP, it just doesn’t have a very exciting effect on me or I’m not explicitly interested in this part of a relationship, when so many other things caught my eye… sometimes subtle interactions and dialogue and and gentle approximation (touches, caresses, kissing, etc..) is so much more exciting for me to read about than the ‘thing’ itself, lol.

To sum it up: when its there just for p*rn or even worse, shock value it just makes me go ‘meh’ or ‘ugh’ or ‘uhh why am I even reading this?’

This reminds me of Vivi’s take on the ‘hiero gamos’, in this case I just say I might even enjoy the theme as long as the scenes involving sex are meaningful and passionate and the aspect I value the most about them are sublime and platonic instead of carnal but I’m aware the carnal aspects are very important for the characters and the audience so I also worry when I get to show my stories people will think they lack sexual content ^^  I get you.

Now that you know my feelings towards sex in fiction, to a broader sense I just wanted to say..

There’s no way to guess people’s sensitives but it doesn’t mean you need to walk on eggshells afraid to trigger people all the time, hell no! I’m all for freedom of creation. At least around me there are no metaphorical ‘eggshells’.

Everyone has their own set of opinions which makes them unique, not just me, I mean…  even so I will let my snowflake syndrome show but I’m quite peculiar if you could say, so I sort of grew a strong ‘carapace’ towards the world as I deal with people with completely different views and values on a daily basis which might make me have inflamed political opinions while at the same time, I’m very flexible and forgiving when it comes to fiction in general.

I don’t expect much of the population to be like this so I’m also self conscious when it gets to writing my own stuff because I know people can feel very strongly about it and you’ve seen the way fandom reacts to minor things and bash creators when they perceive flaws in their work… I’m just not a judgmental person, its not in my nature. I just ignore things in fiction if I don’t like and I became even more relaxed over time in regards to this all, lol I nearly reached a ‘nirvana’ as I don’t even feel strongly negative feelings in regard to this.

Snarky and bitter comments from time to time? Yes… but no hard feelings. RL needs my hatred, lol so I don’t have it to spare with fiction any longer.

Anyway, on an unrelated sub note… as you might have noticed, I don’t feel comfortable about current fandom trends and specially policing, and with reason as this gets very serious and quick with literally ‘wave chain reactions’ of hatred sparked apparently from nowhere. I hope people could create more freely instead of the political correct police and restraining of creativity we have now. It was good for a while and I’m all for diversity and change in status quo (for the better), but I think this has gone too far and I perceive a lot of rigidity in fiction right now due to fear of fandom backlash we have creators afraid to make their thing and afraid it isn’t ‘inclusive or progressive’ enough… so they bend themselves endlessly until fandom ‘approves’ them, but even so someone is bound to scream and say the work is offensive and the cycle of hatred is restarted.

I know this reply was like a huge egocentric monologue and I strained with non related issues at the end, but you asked my thought on this so I tried to convey it with detail.. including things related to the perception we have concerning fictional themes and I just kinda had to vent at some parts of it.

etc…. This doesn’t mean I forbid judgment from others or criticism or that I forbid people from harshly criticizing works of fiction, just that sometimes it gets more harmful than beneficial and scare people off, and I felt like saying that.

Anyway,,, just want to say nonetheless I find it very sweet and considerate that you are taking different opinions in mind while writing, but you don’t need to worry at least from my part, and I don’t think you ever got even close to being explicit in your writings so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

[realmzenith]

answer All the questions for your newest oc

DEAD U HAD TO ASK FOR NEWEST DIDN’T YOU. welp in that case have ya boi eneko

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?he’s a patient dude! eneko can likely sit still doing nothing for as long as his physiology will allow aka until he needs to go to the bathroom or smth. he does well w low activity as he’s an introspective person

How easy is it for your character to laugh?FAIrly easy?? on a level of one to ten w one being laughs at anything that moves or doesn’t move i’d say he’s a.. 6. ok so not that easily like he IS fairly taciturn but he will smile and laugh at a good joke esp if he’s comfy around the person making it

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)by crying- no jk he doesn’t… cry… emotions? what are those??? (thats a lie he’s an emotional mess) he will plan for the next day, strategizing and such but that’s honestly rlly bad for him. he stresses easily. on nights when he’s got a clearer head he’ll hum softly or read if he’s not feeling too guilty abt burning off candles. he does like night walks they always clear his mind

How easy is it to earn their trust?oh oof that’s a tricky one. not that easy but at the same time- OKAy yeah just not that easily from one being the easiest to ten being the hardest he’s likely a 8

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?VERY hard. once you’ve gained his trust he will be LOYAL af to u eneko is quiet n not the most expressive but he will absolutely go down in flames for someone he’s deemed trustworthy. a solid 9. 

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?laws are flexible defo. he PREFERS structure but if morality trumps laws he will break them. it also helps that he’s lowkey part of a rebellion so technically his existence in the present is breaking the law

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?god save us all. he’s a nostalgic dude so uh, oh damn i dont have backstory for him yet i made him last night rainy stop bullying me but ykw we’re doing this. flowers defo. queen anne’s lace n bluebells esp? bring back memories n also pumpkin stew. mixed memories w that one. queen anne’s lace mean sanctuary n bluebells mean gratitude which is LOWKEY ironic considering they spawn memories of burning along w memories of his older sisters so yes?? he does like remembering his sisters but no not in that context. the stew is a weird reminder of his first love n that’s. also complicated 

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?talk more and talk better. he’s got a bit of habit of being short abt things and the middle sister of the fam was ALWAYS getting on his case abt no u can’t word it like that but the eldest was and is a terrible influence n absolutely encouraged it bc she found it hilarious. it’s good they love each other i swear

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?yes he’s part of a rebellion and a soldier what more do u eXPECt and no he doesn’t remember his first swear word. he also doesn’t curse that much dont get me wrong. he has to be comfy around u

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?gosh uh. eneko is still v underdeveloped so i .. WELL I CANNOt tell u in the present it’s prbly smth angsty involving his sisters or his lovER but the answer to does it haunt him? yes absolutely he must Suffer :)

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?it depends on the situation’s levity. if it’s smth important he will absolutely bluntly ask for clarification if it’s smth casual he’ll just nod and pretend like he knows what ur talkin abt bc social anxiety is a b

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?Suffer in Silence

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?he doesn’t rlly think abt this. he likes green tho but he wears a lot of black (that’s partially required by his associations and partially bc idk what other colors exist thanks @ god) he looks best in hmmm red

What animal do they fear most?himSELF 

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?he’s usually fairly forthright so he sounds like he’s saying whatever comes to mind but the reality is he says abt 1% of what he’s thinking and he won’t say things that are quite obviously rude. who knows tbh maybe he gains secret enjoyment from watching ppl squirm under his bluntness eyes emoji

What makes their stomach turn?torture n he hates the sight of bones. blood he can stand but bones? no thanks. unfort in the business they’re in he comes across both of those more than he’d like. he also hates working in the theoretical. it’s unnerving but he’s fine if someone he trusts is wading thru the abstract for him aka thank u @ kent for being the resident intuitive 

Are they easily embarrassed?nah not particularly 

What embarrasses them?if u slap his BUTT in public jkjk i mean that would embarrass him if u caught him by surprise but hmmm he doesn’t like attention if u draw attention to him he’ll freak a lil that would fluster him also excessive praise esp if it’s expressed publicly. he squirms beneath the spotlight

What is their favorite number?19. day of the month he last saw his sisters smiling

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?he’d prbly say smth deep which i cannot truly replicate but prbly smth like. “familial love is steady. it’s the mountain beneath which u were born. it’s the protection n the stability n the impossible sheer volume of it that can’t quite be comprehended. platonic love is like cords linking u to them. it’s the promise, the assurance of i will pull u up if u fall and if i can’t ill fall w u. it’s a tug o war and an anchor. romantic love is a stallion. it’s the passion and the chance but if u know how to tame it it serves to make u a better man than u could ever become on ur own. it’s the teamwork and the flames”

Why do they get up in the morning? to execute justice and to experience each new precious day he’s been gifted

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? it’s ugly when jealousy rears its head in him. he doesn’t SAY anything but his actions become more erratic and he has a harder time focusing. it’s likely he’ll become more impulsive. he’s not DANGEROUs per se but it’s not a situation u want him in

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? envy he’s better about. mostly bc unlike w jealousy he doesn’t already have the thing. it’s smth he’ll just push down and soldier thru like he does w most uncomfy things in his life

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? oh MY GOD DONT TALK ABT SEX that’s SCANDALOUS- the answer is no he finds it unprofessional in his line of work but he would be comfortable discussing it w his s/o

What are their thoughts on marriage? good. he approves. however, for himself he finds the prospect unlikely considering the high risk nature of what he’s involved himself w. he expects to die before 35 in all seriousness

What is their preferred mode of transportation? in the sweet embrace of death horseback

What causes them to feel dread? the knowledge that everything’s falling apart. that fate and circumstance are slowly but surely chipping away at the very foundation of what u live for and there’s absolutely nothing u can do to stop it. also freaking the appearance of the antagonist or his minions

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? in theory? no. in practice? he’s actually p sensitive that’s a difficult one to answer. it would greatly depend on the circumstance but in the long run he prefers the truth

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? yes but in his own eyes, no. he holds himself to extremely high standards and is very self critical. also he has rlly unachievable ideals he’s a lil bit idealistic beneath the guise of realism

Who do they most regret meeting? ohohOHO jk i have no idea not there yet in the story but prbly the antagonist he’s a b

Who are they the most glad to have met? funnily enough? he could almost say the antagonist. he’s the reason why eneko’s working as hard as he is for what he is. without the introduction of the antagonist he would’ve been oblivious to the terrible injustice around him and likely ended up a victim by some obscure mindless death order. however the person he truly admires is the rebel member who took him under her wing however she’s still in the works so i can’t give u much on her

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? i don’t think so, no

Could they be considered lazy? NOPE not in any sense of the word. eneko works extremely hard. he’s v dedicated n dutiful

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? oh, very hard. he’s naturally altruistic so he tends to take failures to heart and internalize them and considering the dangerous line of work he’s in he oftens has guilt building up inside him. he’ll likely carry it w him for the rest of his life once he’s decided to be guilty abt smth. if someone doesn’t help him w it it can break him down in ugly ways

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? yes!! he’s a pure son. you’ll definitely get a smile out of him if smth good has happened to u. he’s very supportive of his friends. he would die for his friends and likely all of u i just want u all to know this 

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?neither. he finds seeking romance irresponsible w his lifestyle. as i previously stated he expects to die young

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? he has fairly good memory esp w faces! but otherwise? i would say he learns best by touch. he’s a tactile person and also fairly auditory. music defo helps him remember things

What memory do they revisit the most often? prbly the day he separated from his sisters. it’s not a particularly good memory but it’s seared in his mind

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? he doesn’t ignore ppl’s flaws per se? he’s p perceptive so it’s difficult for him to just turn a blind eye at least within his own mind but eneko is v tolerant of ppl and accepting. even if he dislikes u it’s doubtful you’ll know he’s fairly good at keeping up the same respect for most everyone he comes in contact w. but yeah? he knows what flaws are there but he will simply accept ppl bc he knows everyone, including himself, esp himself, has many flaws

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?oh oof yeah he’s?? a p sensitive guy so while he recognizes his own faults jabs to his weak spots will hurt him and he’ll prbly sit on the accusation or callout for days esp if someone accuses him of being selfish or immoral or not having done enough for the ppl he cares abt (smth along those lines) he’d absolutely hate that. but if u tell him he’s blunt he’s going to be like im well aware of that

How do they feel about children? he’s SUCH A DAD he loves kids and he’s rlly good w them they love him bc he’s SOFT ok but he doesn’t plan on having them himself even tho he’d like to for the exact same reasons he isn’t pursuing romance/marriage

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? enough that he’d die to reach it

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?eneko is either demi or grasexual w pan preferences. he’s also panromantic. if someone asked for explanation he’d be like “i’m attracted to people of all genders” and just leave it at that unless ofc they were like RLLY curious or smth but he doesn’t rlly consider himself demi or pan or anything he just knows he isn’t straight LOL

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?…strong silent type. that’s all i have to sayB) What inspired you to create them?i’ve taken some inspiration from other characters from shows, etc. i’ve written so he’s a bit of a love child of the best of my musesC) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?im still figuring it out so that’s a probable yesD) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?he’s been edited a bit there were a few reincarnations of him like at first he had straight black hair in an undercut style but now it’s WAVY and dark brown and he also got darker. id say he’s like latino w a lil african blood this is esp amusing considering i literally created him last nightE) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?i think we’d get along alright if we could get past the initial awkwardness bc we’re both kind of crap at interpersonal relationships actually he isn’t that bad it’s mostly me and i THINK he might find me slightly abrasive n energetic (even tho im PLOT TWIST low energy compared to most extroverts) but he’s tolerant it wouldn’t be too badF) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?love…. i love my soft boi i usually hate my ocs aka i would slap them if given the chance but eneko? deserves happinessG) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?he is not real in general and non existent in actual writing as of the present. the latter tragedy i will soon solve. in all seriousness it’s prbly his bluntness it has the tendency to give me second hand embarrassmentH) What trait do you admire most?his tolerance and patience i have none loLI) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?for now, yes! i dont have a solid grasp of him so until then he’ll stay where he was BIRTHEDJ) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?not rlly! the entire story he’s in is still in the works so everything’s rlly flexible

[melodramaticmelon]

hi so i feel like i owe an explaination for the lack of art so this might POSSIBLY get long but ive had an emotionally draining day so who knows ((read more))

putting this in front bc just in case yall need a reminder im a 21 y/o guy from asia [i am mixed asian/eurpoean-ish. i am not latino. i feel i have to say this since most of the art portayed are of 2 mexican boys] and i have a lot of followers who arent of legal age and i need u 2 know youre following an adult. this blog is sfw, but i want to be transparent about it.

ok so firstly i got depressed in januarry bc of my military service and it started to get better around feb when i got really busy so idk if doing things helped or distracted me either way it worked lol. since then its been up and down, recently got bad again

since then lifes been rlly busy tbh with office and ive been a aprt of my language community but overall the lifestyle and lack of sleep, tumblr time and generally time to surround myself with art has left me depleted for the past almost year and ive honestly gotten super out of touch with art, tecnical skill wise and emotionally and ive been having a had a ahrd time drawing and feeling like i like drawing or getting any kind of catharsis im v sure this is still depression lol, its just been extremely difficult to get back into art, esp the emotional aspect as i feel that i cant let off emotional steam or deal with stuff like i could before. 

i will continue to draw and stuff but updates will be far less frequent until i sort out some of my own things. 

also re: aridante bc i feel like i need to say this like... as much as i love them [and maybe this will change when the new book/movie comes out] i feel like ive become disconnected from them, the experience, the book, the message etc 1. bc its been so long since ive first read it 2. again i dont feel the catharsis from producing fanart, which was what motivated me to draw so much 3. these characters are 17 and im 21 lol it was different when i was 19 but now as an adult like... out of respect for characters and individuals of the age who read the book and empathize and share similar experiences, i dont feel comfortable drawing them as much in a way that fulfills my needs bc my own needs have changed and it doesnt align with what i can portray with these characters. i`ll obviously still do fanart and stuff but itll be much less as i`ll need to find other ways to deal with my own internal nonsense and negotiate what i can show with pre-existing fictional characters vs say my own intellectual property.

this is probs as concise as i can make it also im tired, im rlly sorry for the sudden lack of art and i do feel bad about not posting as much because i remember how happy and vibrant I was, how vibrant my interactions were a year plus ago when i posted things more consistently. 

I`m still active tho like everyday and stuff on my main @fudeh​ so im not ~gone~ per se

ye if u read all this thanks a bunch <3

[icharchivist]

And this is going to be a very self indulgent hpm rambling to work through my own issues bc i’m on a roll tonight on self introspection so ya can skip that unless you want to see me project on characters for god knows how long

but ANYWAY I was so caught up with the fact that Dice was so inspiring to me and was specifically the one to give me strength to think “fuck it” and actually thinking more seriously about my independance that i completely overlooked that like… there was reasons why Gentaro became my fav the MOMENT i’ve read his song, and that Gentaro is just as much my fav as Dice.

And I feel like this is always the sort of duo i have both with my fav characters and my fav ships by extension it is like, 1) the character I can enter in depth about while distached from their plot while generally also having some admiration for them, 2) the character I either relate too much to OR I ended up projecting to HELL on that i don’t even know anymore if any of what i’m saying is relevent in analysis bc is it meta or is it therapy you might never know-

But there’s so much to Gentaro where I can just *shoves my symptoms* that it is hhhhhhhhHH.

I mean it always striked to me as odd that while he says his family was poor the reason he was bullied was because “he was adopted” and bc I’m Like That i ended up projecting that perhaps he had some abandon issues that could manifest just like mine, and like I could…. write a lot about that. 

But i tend to overlook that one of the thing that makes it easy for me to project it is that, I was bullied at school and i honest to god closed off for years because of that. I still have a lot of difficulties with where that left me per se, but the kicker? I was told that the reason i started to get bullied in elementary school was because of the rumors surrounding the reasons of my eldest sister’s running away from home, which is the thing i have Abandon Issues About since my parents thought it was clever to Not Let Me Know for about a year that my sister had ran away (and yeah i talked about it to my mom a few days ago, she confirmed it to me that they did try to hide it from me, leading me to believe my sister ran away at my 7yo rather than at my 6th bc they were covering up the truth in that time, that’s f u n)

And the thing is how he specifically talks about how he viewed himself as twisted because he MUST be a bad person if people hates him this much, tat’s something i Feel Deep In My Bones and have felt all my teenagehood, that there was something wrong with me. Bc Like in elementary school i was thinking “it’s the rumors about why my sister left”, but when it kept going in the three middle schools i went to i just thought i was the problem.

When I entered high school i was tired and angry and i remember going to class the first day thinking i dont even want to TRY to make friends. Like not even TRY. Plus one of my elementary school bully was in my class and that didn’t help at all feeling like this year would be any different than the others. 

And I remember that bc on the first day actually i got lost, but there was a girl who had been following me around all day who therefore was lost with me, and when we were asked where we were going, we jusT. looked at each other and we started laughing from confusion, and from that point on we became very close and it is one of my closest friend still to that day. and she often mentions that she wanted to talk to me right away bc we looked like we would be on the same vibe, but i was terrifying her with my death glares dkfhdfk bc i was just in the mindset of nope, no need for friendship this time around.

And from being friend with her i also opened up a lot to others people and that’s how i’ve made the group of friends i now have, but yeah before her basically attempting all day to be my friend despite me sending signal that i didn’t want to, I was just basically also in this mindset of “i must be a terrible person and i don’t need friends” so that kinda rang a chord with me.

While the timeline isn’t the same for me though, the thing is that being bullied all time is what pushed me to start writting when I was about 11? I was writting in class and in between because then i could just afford to not have to think about the fact people hated me for some reasons and i could create realities in which i could just run away.  (and it is still making me so, so salty i ended up completely frozen from writting bc of my ex guh but then i just found back the last drafts i’ve writen and i just… should get back to it tbh)

So like… all those issues i have from those things i ended up projecting on Gentaro a lot and it’s terrible.

One thing i don’t have at all in common with Gentaro is the fact i cannot lie to save a life, like, i freeze when i even think about lying per se. But the funny thing is that i’ve spent… my whole life actually thinking about whenever or not i should lie or not? Okay this is very weird to explain but - my parents lie all the time. And it had me doubt my reality a lot growing up*. And i’ve always… kinda lived this line of “not wanting to share anything about me and make up things about me so people cannot get to me” (which was basically the reaction from being bullied thinking there must be something fundamentally wrong with my real self y’know) VS “I dont’ want to be like my parents and i’m desperate for people to actually know the Real Me for once because it’s not like it’s my parents who’d know that”

and idk it’s something i’ve always found very fascinating with that theme in particular bc it’s not just something i don’t have in common with him, but it’s something i’ve reflect a lot about whenever i wanted to be like that or not, and just took the decision not to - but basically things alligned in my life that this was something i’ve regularly been thinking about ever since i’m a kid.  (and THAT my friend is legit why my favorite characters are all either liars or people who had made up their personalities to distance from their real selves. Bc this has litterally been My Fantasy since i’m a kid. So Cloud, Allen, Lavi, y’all can see where my patern happens there.)

*about thatone of my major projecting or not is that well my parents spent my life gaslighting me on how some events of the past happened and it makes me doubt a lot of my memory, some of whichi just cling to bc i know i wrote them down when they happened. so when Gentaro's editor, a spy from the gov, tells him that the fiction Gentaro just wrote that is based on actual horrors we know the gov is doing, is truly just fiction and try to reinforce that while Gentaro still wonders if it is, i've read it as an attempt of gaslighting. and it was relatable to me and its why i really read the editor stuff as the gov trying tobmake him doubt his past, thus why reaching out to a private detective is to try to fight that back. and anyone who suffered from gaslighting can understand wanting to have someone neutral who can help you point out that no the person was gaslighting you. istg the private detective reveal was a relief to me bc it is just like when i ask my friends if they remember some events ive said in the past that would disprove my parents lies. and it is even worse bc me lile gentaro im sure, have a part of our past no one can attests for so thats when the gaslighting is the worst. i've related h ard to that but again how much is me projecting?? (and tbh this is why i read gentaro's lies as a "you are trying to make me doubt my reality, fine then i'll make my own that i know is false and you cant do anything about it". it's like reclaiming control on his narrative that people are twisting)

(in the end the real thing i don’t have at all in common with Gentaro is his loving parents lmao what are those? don’t know that. But his reaction to them being all “i felt a gratitude infinite for those people who didn’t have to care for me that i’ve refused to even let them know i wanted things so they wouldn’t have to sacrifice things for me” is….. my attitude toward my friends. As in my best friends always have to insist for me to actually let them spoil me from time to time. And by spoil i mean “giving me money to see the doctor bc my parents failed to do that”. So this is HUH.)

Anyway the point of what i’m trying to say is that therefore i can interpret every single of Gentaro’s reactions or stuff in the lenses of how i personally lived those things i ended up finding… relatability in Gentaro’s story y’know?

Like i’m thinking about the fact a while ago i did a long post about how Dice was Gentaro’s comfort zone. “ At any given opportunity, Gentaro would rather get close to Dice than to try to even connect with anyone else, avoiding every conversations possible if he cannot deviate it on focusing on Dice, almost as if the world scares him enough for him to prefer to be near someone he trusts. “

I’m.. just realizing (i mean this is what prompted this post) that the freak out i just had in my previous post about the fact People kinda scare me because it is outside of my comfort zone that this is about the reading i projected on Gentaro’s behavior there: That Gentaro seems to not want to spend a lot of time connecting with new people and eventually just always get back to a comfort zone and this zone is Dice for him, but like.. point still stand that it depicts him as quite uncomfortable with People in general as a result that he cannot stay around them unless he is staying close to Dice.

*puts head gently on table* and that’s likely major projecting but i didn’t realize it until just now where i realized i would… essentially do the same or that at least, this was natural for me to interpret his behavior as him being uncomfortable around people. because that’s how i’d live it. I just… didn’t think about how that connected until now.

And there were… more elements i’ve picked up along the time i’ve overanalysed Gentaro (remember i have a 178 page long file of rambling about how i read Gentaro and Dice?) i’m not thinking about right now per se. 

but like his fear of the Posse splitting up really does call back to me to the fact he *was* abandonned *and bullied for that*, so while he initially was ready for the Posse to be just temporary, now he couldn’t let go of it y’know? 

and hell lol there is the whole HC i have about him projecting on NLH that is litterally me just projecting bc that’s what i’d do, but then again NLH and Gentaro… has bounds that could explain that. And well i gues sjust the fact Gentaro is that attached to fiction is probably the one thing that is very easy to relate to. “reality is often more disappointing than fiction” is… litterally what i’ve always been thinking all of my life so lemme tell you that when i’ve read this translation after he did a full fanfiction of his life (which i do in my head a few times to try to process my anxieties so I ALSO relate to that), i had a big whiplash of huH.

Also man i get the thing about having ridiculous triggers, even if mine didn’t… translate themselves the way his did. But i have very ridiculous things that can send me down depression spiral down or panic at once and honestly this was.. woah to see. 

“it’s by learning from the past that we can make a future” he says in battle x 3 and that one still cracks me up bc i’ve been litterally raised with the sentence “we need to learn where we come from to go where we’re going”, it was my mom’s motto to get me interested into history (although very bold from the woman who didn’t pass down any of her cultural heritage but that’s an irony for another day). Like everytime he says this sentence i have a throw back bc I’ve. litterally used this sentence in my /essays for classes/ that’s how much it is in my head.

I’m losing track of what i mean, my meds finally kicked in so now i’m not too much into digging into my trauma as i was 20 mins ago but at any rate, 

Gentaro is very very very important to me and idk how much is projecting and all but his behavior just makes SENSE to me, it is just… so logical. 

And to me he’s such a vulnerable character who is just trying to at least give off a feeling you cannot hurt him because he’s been hurt before and doesn’t want to… let it happen again. He can give an approachable facade but he doesn’t really let himself be opened with people around him and when he does he always does it in a way he can be distached from it -say sending the message via writing a fanfic rather than saying “hey i’m anxious about that”. 

i don’t know. meds have kicked in too badly i’ve lost my train of thoughts.

But yeah. 

Gentaro good and i just love him so much and it still kinda kills me how the moment i’ve heard his song i knew he was going to be my fav yet it took me months to actually get back to “why is he my fav” without realizing that i’ve therefore done meta entierely based on how “i can relate to his trauma and his reactions remind me of how my symptoms manifest” so that’s a thing.

jkhl it’s funny bc meanwhile i remain more comfortable with a dice icon and all but…….. man, gentaro man.

so yeah just ✌ what a saga man

[hunky-punk]

Do all of the ones for the obscure asks!

hell yeah hell yeah

what’s your favorite way to dress? comfortable and gay

if you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? like everything from the shoulders down tbh

what movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? Stardew Valley, Dragon Age, Shovel Knight , and Fallout!

what does your room smell like? tbh i have no clue, probably scent packets that i keep in my drawers

do you like to organize? In my own way ig? my shits organized chaos

what kind of music would you listen to if you could only choose one? Id disintegrate if I had to choose only one genre of music to listen to

what song is your aesthetic? oh fuck get READY i have a shitload               This, this, this, this, this, and this, definitely not an exhaustive list

what color do you think goes best with your personality? all of them yo im gay as hell reds blues and greens

do you believe in auras? sort of, i dont really incorporate that belief into anything though

what do you wish you hated, but actually like? nothing i love that i love everything unironically 

vague about your crush(es) fuck idk if its really a crush per se but god theyre absolutely pretty as all hell and tbh if they ever needed a cute bed warmer id be First In Line

is there someone you have mixed feelings towards? too many people to count tbh 

talk about an au or story you came up with fuck uhhh i had a werecat character i made a shitty story for a while back but it never really went anywhere

do you like makeup? I considered using makeup to make my face look more masculine once, might revisit that idea

do you prefer space or the ocean? both are equally terrifying but i prefer the ocean

if you could pick any planet besides earth, where would you live? Uranus 😘 

what form of government do you like the most? (capitalism, socialism, etc.) socialism yo

what animal would you keep as a pet, if you could? hedgehogs are perfect and i love each and every one of them 

what do you think our purpose is in the universe? sure as hell aint what we’re doing now, but I dont think about it much 

do you believe in god(s)? I dunno, i believe there might be gods, but i choose not to worship them

is there a song you can’t handle listening to, even though you like it? Wrabel’s The Villiage 

what ex do you miss the most, if you have one? i dont really miss either tbh 

do you like soft, fluffy blankets or rough/smooth blankets? both

what is your favorite thing to learn about? animals, plants, nd food

what country’s history do you find the most interesting? i dunno, i cant remember much from any country off the top of my head

what do you think about genderbent ____ (insert someone here) genderbends kinda irk me a little

what breakup was the hardest, if you had one? my first ex was a bastard trying to leave him fucked me up hard

do you have someone where you can’t decide if you like them romantically or just as a friend? 🤫

what do you think about tumblr discourse? some of it is hilarious, most of it is kind of annoying

what instrument do you wish you could master? guitar

how easy is it for you to be honest? pretty easy, depends on who im talkin to tho, and my current circumstances

do you have any strange interests? Im WAY into vulture culture tbh, love me some bones

do you have any strange fears? my pants ripping in public and me not knowing about it, everyone secretly being a mind reader

what food do you binge on when you’re lazy? like everything lmao but mostly cereal and ramen

when you get angry, how do you show it? i just start fuckin bawling and yelling

do you have any impulsive movements? (twitches, ticks, flapping, etc.) i bounce my legs all the time, and i crack my knuckles a lot

what do you listen to music on? spotify mostly sometimes youtube

are you left brained or right brained? im no brained as fuck

earbuds or headphones? earbuds

do you like light blankets or heavy blankets? depends on the temperature

[lovelesstrainer]

ALL OF THEM

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Noooo idea 2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Wendy and Trin! 4. Are you easy to get along with? Ehhhhhhhhh5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Myself ;; 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Decent people? 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? i’unno obligatory call otu to @xerinos 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? ^^^ 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Meh no 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Nick...? 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “When I go upstairs next, sure” 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? fuck if I know13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? y e s 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? meh not really15. What good thing happened this summer? summer just started yo 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? nah 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? sure 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? nope 19. Do you like bubble baths? Nah but I like bath bombs 20. Do you like your neighbors? sure. one of them is super nice and the other had pitbulls :D 21. What are you bad habits? not sure anymore. i stopped biting my nails like last year (a whole year already !!!) 22. Where would you like to travel? Not sure right now. Pretty content with what i’ve got. the stsates I guess?? 23. Do you have trust issues? mhmmm ;; 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? s l e e p even though that isnt even daily anymore 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? fuckin smile, tum, arms, legs, nose, i can go on 26. What do you do when you wake up? check my messages/notifs 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? neither. i’m porcelain and proud 28. Who are you most comfortable around? Anna probably 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? k i n d o f ? 30. Do you ever want to get married? nawh 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? yeah 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? uhhhhhhhhhh 33. Spell your name with your chin. nhjbmjukvchnbjgkl,.lkghf34. Do you play sports? What sports?  LOL NO 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Y ea  h 37. What do you say during awkward silences? Nothing because theyre not usually awkward per se 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? ?? ????? no ???? 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Sanctuary but $$$$$$$$ 40. What do you want to do after high school? bud i havent done jack shit since 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? meh 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? i’m scared/anxious usually 43. Do you smile at strangers? sure. everyone deserves to be happy. except Power 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? both? 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? buddy i barely get out of bed 46. What are you paranoid about? everything tbh 47. Have you ever been high? mhm 48. Have you ever been drunk? yeah 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no? yes? mayve....? 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black 51. Ever wished you were someone else? who hasnt? 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? dunno theres a few things 53. Favourite makeup brand? UD 54. Favourite store? Sanctuary 55. Favourite blog? uhhhh 56. Favourite colour? purple 57. Favourite food? p a s t a 58. Last thing you ate? toast 59. First thing you ate this morning? ^ 60. Ever won a competition? For what? no...? 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? nah but i skipped class a lot--- 62. Been arrested? For what? nope 63. Ever been in love?  yeah 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? some chick at a bus stop 65. Are you hungry right now? kind of/??? ?66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? buddy i have like no tumblr friends 67. Facebook or Twitter? twitter 68. Twitter or Tumblr? both 69. Are you watching tv right now? nope 70. Names of your bestfriends?  Anna nick sam 71. Craving something? What? steak 72. What colour are your towels? black 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 5 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes ;; 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? i have a lot on a shelf 75. Favourite animal? bunnies/cats/wolf76. What colour is your underwear? black 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? both78. Favourite ice cream flavour? pistachio but I CANT FIND IT ANYWHERE SINCE I GOT BACK TO CANADA 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black lmfao 80. What colour pants? grey 81. Favourite tv show? Vikings 82. Favourite movie? Dunno 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? havent seen the seconbd one 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 jump street 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? fuck i dont remember =them 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Gill? i think his nbame is? the angel fish 87. First person you talked to today? nick? 88. Last person you talked to today? nick 89. Name a person you hate? P O W E R M A T T H E W S 90. Name a person you love? Nick91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? POWER 92. In a fight with someone? meh no 93. How many sweatpants do you have? like 2 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? like 50 95. Last movie you watched? uhhhh Tangled??? 96. Favourite actress? no idea 97. Favourite actor? David Tennant 98. Do you tan a lot? LOLNO 99. Have any pets? Kitty 100. How are you feeling? t i r e d 101. Do you type fast?  meh sometimes 102. Do you regret anything from your past? meh 103. Can you spell well? sometimes? 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? not reallyt 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? nope 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yeah lul 107. Have you ever been on a horse? yessir 108. What should you be doing? dunno 109. Is something irritating you right now? spotify ads 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yeah 111. Do you have trust issues? ive answered this 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? nick technically 113. What was your childhood nickname? Nikki 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes i have 115. Do you play the Wii? nope 116. Are you listening to music right now? yep 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yes 118. Do you like Chinese food? yep119. Favourite book? Dracula or Fallen 120. Are you afraid of the dark? nah 121. Are you mean? y e s 122. Is cheating ever okay? nope 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? whats white 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? nah 125. Do you believe in true love? sure 126. Are you currently bored? nah 127. What makes you happy? uhhhh depends. situational, really 128. Would you change your name? Maybe? I’ve grown to not hate my name 129. What your zodiac sign? Aquarius 130. Do you like subway? occasionally 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Nothing? 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? nick 133. Favourite lyrics right now?  in due time - killswitch engage 134. Can you count to one million? yes but that takes time and effort 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? fuck if i know 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? mostly closed because the cat likes to leave in teh middle of the night 137. How tall are you? 5′5 138. Curly or Straight hair? straight 139. Brunette or Blonde? doesnt matter 140. Summer or Winter? winter 141. Night or Day? night 142. Favourite month? august 143. Are you a vegetarian? i was for like a month and almost starved to death LOL 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? white 145. Tea or Coffee? tea 146. Was today a good day? just started boyo 147. Mars or Snickers? both? 148. What’s your favourite quote? 149. Do you believe in ghosts? meh no 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“You see, they represented the greatest loss to Lestat, because they stood on the threshold of the maximum possibility of life” 

smh i hate you cam