#that & he also had other concerns. like turning into a sin eater & knowing he'd be faced with having to kill someone again

[windupaidoneus]

like. obviously he could tell something was off. i feel like for any wol with an affinity for magic (but especially white magic) it kind of makes sense. can't imagine the aether corruption would keep your magic the same, it'd have to have some impact... & hildegarde has researched aether before. for the necromancy. yknow the necromancy that he did. & tried his hardest to keep it ethical (ftr haurche agreed to it due to his ride or die sick & twisted devoted heart), hence all the researching. not only that but i mean obviously he immediately noticed sin eaters used the same magic he did. it was kind of a really easy tell

& the only people he knew in that world were either obviously hiding shit from him or just... gestures toward whatever thancred had going on in shb. the twins don't count bc hilde is a grown ass man he was never going to emotionally rely on them. once his aether's corruption started being bad enough that haurchefant's form became subtly (but not subtle enough for hilde to not notice) distorted he just... stopped. he could rely on haurchefant a little at first, manifesting him a physical form by feeding his soul his own aether, it was always temporary but it did offer him some measure of comfort. but his aether just HAD to not be able to contain the wardens' light! WOMP WOMP. & so he bade haurchefant adieu in a much less dramatic way than in the vault lmao. haurche would've wished to be summoned again "once his aether got better" surely, but hilde absolutely expected himself to be unsalvageable even before mt gulg. this was the actual final goodbye for him. & surely they'd meet again in the aetherial sea. maybe. maybe not. maybe his aether would be too corrupted to go there

& of course ardbert was there. but um. ardbert was also kinda in the midst of watching his world maybe die maybe not after having traversed it as a ghost for a hundred years unable to do anything to help. hildegarde was hardly gonna put much emotional weight on him. there were things they could talk about but they weren't That familiar with each other & had very different lived experiences, & hilde takes a while to trust people. it's not like they knew they were shards of the same ancient at the time lmao, they were kinda just stuck together because of circumstances... & it is kind of hard to look a ghost in the eye, the ghost of a hero who tried everything, & tell him you think you're not capable of saving his world, actually, & you're probably gonna destroy it even.

so well. who was left but emet-selch. very twisted for hildegarde to rely on him considering he very much wore the face of solus! as someone raised in the empire hilde both resented him for the horrors the empire committed (the same way he resents himself for participating in it. yknow. something he totally had a choice in. lol) & like... well... indoctrination doesnt really go away in a day. everyone's made to revere solus. regardless of whether he ever met the man personally (which he didn't), the emperor is a religious-like figurehead ; there's just going to be an odd sense of trust associated with him even if hilde knows all he's done is horrific.

that, & hilde felt emet might've been the most straightforward with him at the time (not quite true but not quite wrong either, he does willingly give away a loooot of information which shouldn't be nearly enough for hilde to put trust in him but he wasn't exactly the pinnacle of mental stability & good decisions at the time), alongside with um. well i hate to say it but emet being demeaning & rude toward him was validating to him #TERRIBLESELFESTEEM. it felt like he was finally being seen for what he was (& let's not even get into how horrible yet cathartic it felt for emet to call him "eater" post crown of the immaculate.. lol.....), which sure says a lot about the kind of mindset growing up in garlemald while visibly not 'pureblood' can instill in you. & emet also gets more personal. calls him nicknames even if condescending, shows him his humanity, even gets a little vulnerable with him.

& so i do believe the black magic knowledge hildegarde has at the time of shb comes from emet himself training him from time to time. in my beautiful canon. bc hilde asked, believing magic that is more inherently astrally aligned could help him quell the corruption. which does lead to more "bonding" if you can even call it that... & makes it easier for hilde to dissociate emet from solus in a sense? he sees more of emet beyond the character he embodies (which is also just part of canon. ppl who think emet acted as himself while playing the role of emperor are completely fucking stupid. but i digress), it feels less & less like there is a power imbalance between them (to hilde) (TO HILDE) (HILDEGAAAARDE THERE'S STILL A POWER IMBALANCE!!! HILDEGAAAAAAAAAARDE)

btw i started thinking about all this bc im drawing arr hildegarde you know it's bad when drawing arr makes you think about shb

i don't really know what the conclusion of this post is. misplaced trust because he felt he had no one else to rely on yeah, & ofc emet pulled at his heartstrings due to how emotional & empathetic he is (not to the point he ever considered actively switching sides or anything of the sort, but more than enough for him to desperately wish for another way that didn't lead to the ascian dying Again). & he did fully intend on going to the tempest alone. though it baffles me to think emet might've believed the wol capable of working out how to get to the tempest let alone amaurot on their own while being tormented by the horrors of light corruption. especially since he claims to expect them further into the transformation, at which point they would likely not be as... sapient. if i'm honest with you i genuinely fully believe emet was consciously orchestrating his own death there despite everything he says & does because there's no other way to make sense of everything that leads up to the dying gasp. oughhh i miss him

amaurot fucking sucks guys.

shb was so heavily the shitter for hilde thancred was there but clearly not emotionally available bc he never is but ESPECIALLY NOT then, had to stop doing necromancy on his one actual proper partner bc his aether corruption couldve ended up corrupting haurche's aether too, hancock was decidedly not in the first, shtola & urianger hiding shit from him the exarch never ever being straightforward on anything alisaie being traumatised every other day & having to keep supporting alphinaud to the best of his ability through everything despite it all. also trying & failing to shield ryne from bearing too much responsibility as the oracle of light. & having to save the world. while his own aether was eating at him in the form of the very magic he wielded best threatening to turn him into something hed always believed himself to be deep down (a monster. not a sin eater specifically.). And if all of that wasnt enough emet-selch was there. is it really any surprise he ended up emotionally relying on the antagonist the most out of all the characters in the expansion bc he really did not have anyone else when shit got bad