#that's also why the coquette girlies drive me crazy

[khodorkovskaya]

Omggg no way why dont you like her anymore??? (Genuinly curious in case I've missed something about her👀)

oh it's just personal. like i don't want to get into the whole debate of "are artists responsible for how and by whom their art is consumed" but like i listened to lana/lizzy grant a loooot when i was a teen and it lowkey groomed me.

i heard born to die for the first time when i was 16 while tripping on lsd lol. and it made me cry. and then i was like omg i have to listen to her other stuff. but i ended up not liking her officially released stuff that much, but i vibed more with her lizzy grant era.

and i remember just watching those youtube edits of like american beauty or black swan to her music for hourssss. and then that got me into the mindset of like "oooo im a barely legal babygirl, im gonna go seduce old men heheheheh". and then i ended up on the sugaring side of tumblr, and then i signed up for seeking arrangement, and then one thing led to another and i was suddenly at a hotel room in germany with a 50 yr old man yikes. (long story short, he had erectile dysfunction so he couldn't do anything to me. and after that i really got into orthodoxy cos like felt like god literally saved me from being rworded. and thats also why i stayed with my ex for so long bc i was like this is a gift from god, a man who treats me "well" is a one in a billion chance!)

but yeah anyway, lana just really brings back weird memories of how i used to think and see the world at the time. like the whole "you know i can't do it on my own, you can be my daddy, come on you know you like little girls" thing and the "hey lolita hey" thing and the "you rich and im wishing um you could be my mister yum" did so much damage to my underage brain.

ive heard that her new album is really good but ive been avoiding it like the plague. and maybe im missing out and maybe i'll listen to it some time, but for now memories of my past relationship are still too fresh.