#that's the thing. my imagination is overactive. so half my relationship with klavier isn't even real.
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sometimes i wonder if things would be better if klavier was the host of this system.
#nightmare.system#like he's. i mean. we're really similar i guess.#he's older. more stable. more frequently manic but a lot less angry.#had a panic attack and couldn't tell whose it was. mine or his. it should have been his but here i am anyway.#i mean he's like. he's different we're not the same but just. i don't know.#klavier was never just a fictive honestly. he was kind of bits and pieces of people i used to know#i don't know. even if they showed up it's not like i'm going to be nice to them so i don't know what i expect here.#it's just. i know i don't relinquish control frequently but it would be nice to have those kind of fun system experiences.#like the most fun we ever had was deciding birthdays. literally everything else were things i made up us doing.#that's the thing. my imagination is overactive. so half my relationship with klavier isn't even real.#irl people need me but online i think it would be better if he just came and swept me away and took over.#not because i don't think people like me. i know people do.#but trying to talk to people is like. trying to claw through a fucking wall. while every scratch mark is felt on your own body.#with him he just did it. because he's the kind of person you just want to talk to. the kind of person you always think to forgive.#i don't know. i don't fucking know anymore.#i don't know how to phrase this but like. the last time i saw him it felt like he didn't know me anymore.#all my systemmates know something they refuse to tell me. they will literally front and take over so they don't tell me.#how am i supposed to trust them when they can't even act like they know who i am?#can't even pretend?#i don't know. that's it. i don't know.
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