#the 'twin' complex applies to henry towards randall... the 'god' complex applies to luke towards hershel...

[smile-files]

an epiphany i just had about my strange mental complexes:

as a child, i formulated that to be my "sibling", you would have to be my "twin": you would have to be my mirror, always by my side and always reflecting me, or else i'd feel alienated from you. at the same time, i was struck by how different my siblings were from me - they looked nothing like me, acted nothing like me, and were all twins while i was a single child. these two united, i convinced myself that they were (at no fault of their own) incapable of really being my "siblings", and thus sought out somebody outside my family to fill the role. hence i went about searching for a "twin", someone my age whom i could match in every conceivable way, someone whom i hoped would understand me entirely and be my forever best friend; i have regarded my classmates and hoped they'd be my twin.

as an adolescent, i formulated that to be my "parent", you would have to be my "god": you would have to be my panopticon, all-knowing, omnipotent, and omnipresent, or else i'd feel unprotected by you. at the same time, i was struck by how my parents were often at a loss with how to help me, in fact being often preoccupied with their own issues. these two united, i convinced myself that they were (at no fault of their own) incapable of really being my "parents", and thus sought out somebody outside my family to fill the role. hence i went about searching for a "god", someone older than me who would forever be my protector, caretaker, and redeemer, someone who would instantly know my pain and heal it; i have regarded teachers and counselors and hoped they'd be my parent.

there's a running theme of my seeking out familial roles outside of my family, on account of deeming my actual family members incapable of loving me "the right way" - while simultaneously harboring no ill-will towards them for this apparent inadequacy. what's funny about the familial love i've experienced is that it's automatically unconditional: even if i'm incapable of being loved "the right way", i always bear the capability of being loved in some capacity. i do have a lovely family! they've always loved me so much, and i've always known that! but, seemingly, i've always desired a sort of familial love which is impossible - for my family especially, but frankly for any family. i'm not sure where exactly these idealized notions of complete understanding and constant company came from, but they arose very early in my life, and i highly doubt i'll ever be able to shake them; to that end, then, i wonder if i'll ever be able to alter my definition of being loved "the right way" such that the familial love i've received is enough.