#the demon is my coworkers' layer organization

[sparkleoverlord]

gumi sketch for the culture

[mymusicalitylove]

thank u, next!

I have felt this entry brewing, but haven’t found the complete motivation (or let’s be honest, the time to dedicate) to get my ass on the laptop to let it surge from me, as I’ve felt it swirling in my brain the last couple weeks. 

I think I am at a good place in my life; these are my last few days prior to turning 33, and I truly feel a positive energy about what this year will bring me. I have already started, and will continue with my travel adventures... 

This past weekend’s 2019 debut adventure in SLO/Morro Bay: to explore Hearst Castle and all the overly fancy things it has for you to feast your eyes on. A coworker of mine and I joke that I am Belle from Beauty in the Beast, and I found myself completely infatuated with the grand library, just like Belle was in the Beast’s enchanted castle. I mean seriously, how intricate all the details of every wall/ceiling/piece of furniture of this castle were. Personally, I could not imagine having that much extravagance as my “vacation home” because I am a plain Jane, but to think of how much money is on that property.. dayum! I would really only want the library, because it was gorgeous. Okay, and maybe some of the gardens, too. And SLO, I fell in love with. Such a cute downtown area and all the little shops! I definitely shopped my little heart out on cute ass shit I don’t need, but loved and had to have. 

Next week’s adventure: to meet my dearest little sheronalet in North Carolina, and to fit in as many newborn snuggles into one week as I can! He has already stolen my heart just from pictures, and auntie Bo0 cannot wait to squeeze him and cover him in besos. Also looking forward to some serious Sherona bonding time with my NC folk. 

March’s adventure: to spend more time with my bestie and my growing peanut in Washington, and explore the tiny little town they now call home. I really am blessed to have so many littles all over the country for me to love on whenever I want. #professionalauntieairlines

April’s adventure: Italia. I have secured a partner-in-crime now, so it won’t be a solo journey like planned, but I am excited to start planning our excursions and see what troubles we can get into!

Further 2019 adventures still TBD.. but not a bad start to the first quarter, right?!

Now, let’s get to what my brain has needed to unload.. 

After the heartbreak of my life about three years ago, I ended up a shell of my former self, and resulted with a fucked up and jaded point of view towards relationships. I went through the grief, the loss of myself, the fatality of a dream that was never given the opportunity to shine, the realization that even though I was sure he was “the one”.. he wasn’t, or it would have been, and the lengthy, debilitating and then liberating process of getting back to becoming myself again. I fell in love with him, and I fell hard. Harder than I ever had before. And getting back up from it was truthfully one of the darkest times in my life. And I feel I did most of the damage to myself. My expectations. My fantasized dreamland. The pure abandon and openness of my heart to give to someone who I thought would help me grasp everything I always wanted. To someone who no matter how hard I tried, could not let me in; even though in his defense, I honestly think he tried to the best of his ability at the time. He had his own demons to face, and it was just not meant to be. The purpose of him in my life at the time didn’t hit me until a lot later, but I selfishly maintained hope (for way too long) that if we faced our own demons separately, we would eventually end up back together. He was everything I had not had before and desperately wanted, but that hope has become less than a distant memory, and more like a torturous joke I played on myself. Although I’d like to think I am completely over that situation, I still think he will forever hold a small piece of my heart until the day I die. And that’s okay. I am at peace with that.

Enter Ariana Grande: her words resonated with me from the first time I heard them in this song, and fell in line because my three major relationships have each taught me something different.   

One taught me love

One taught me patience

And one taught me pain

Now, I'm so amazing

I've loved and I've lost

But that's not what I see

So, look what I got

Look what you taught me

And for that, I say

Thank you, next

I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex

After healing from the one who ‘taught me pain’ I put myself back together in a slightly different way. Closed off, numb, guarded, and walls for days. I casually dated for about a year, wanting nothing from anyone but the ability to say that this serial monogamist had “played the field”. Guess what? I had my fun and it served its purpose, but I am still a serial monogamist at heart, and I always knew that deep down. The layers and layers of protection needed to come down some time, and I feel that they finally came down this past May. 

Enter unexpected, wonderful series of interactions with a handsome and appealing man who I will likely never see again. I feel that since meeting that patient’s son, I restarted a search for “my person” because those arbitrary interactions actually made me want to feel again, and reignited my desire to want to open up to someone and be vulnerable again.

I’ve had a lot of internal monologue about what I want (and don’t want) in a relationship, and just wants in my life in general. I’ve recently lost a significant friendship for reasons I feel could have been handled completely differently, but it is what it is. This unexpected loss caused me to reach a lot of realizations regarding all other relationships in my life. About continuing to invest in the ones that matter, and letting others go because they are no longer worth my precious time. I’ve also realized that I have often felt taken for granted. I don’t claim to be perfect; in fact, I know I’m far from it. But I do know that I am a rare breed, and I have grown into myself at a quicker pace than I feel most others my age have due to all the experiences under my belt. I continue to learn more and further love who I am every single day. There are also days where I can’t even stand myself, but even those are moments to learn from and take steps towards the ever-changing process of becoming the best version of myself. 

About 3 weeks ago I joined a dating site. Not one of those hook-up apps - an actual dating site that you pay for, with about 100 questions (probably 25 of which are actually unique, just repeated in several ways to make sure you’re consistent) asking about your personality/likes/dislikes. I was given the impression that this would be a different experience because this is a method where people actually want to meet someone serious and put their own hard earned money towards that goal.. let me tell you, not so different from the bullshit apps. Up until today, I did not have any meaningful connections with anyone and was thinking I got swindled out of my moneys for something I frankly had greater success with on one of the gratis hook-up apps! 

Shortly after opening this dating account, I watched a movie that was sort of mirroring my feelings of this whole “online dating world” in a comedic way. I truthfully do not thrive with this medium of meeting people; I’m old fashioned in wanting to meet people organically, and not because of some stylized way I am being viewed through filtered pictures and clever quips about who I am. Staying true to my “old soul” personality and realizing more often these days, I do not belong in this generation. But anyhow, this movie made me laugh so hard in many scenes because the female character resembled me, and the male character shared traits with different men in my life that I have been, or continue to be drawn to. There was one scene in the movie that unexpectedly made me tear up, and it was then and there that I realized how many times I have been taken for granted in my life. 

Enter movie scene: male and female character are sitting in bed after a meaningful and eye-opening couple of days, sharing a meal. They are discussing the woman’s previous relationship/broken engagement.

Male: “He’s so screwed.” (referring to her ex-fiance) 

Female: “What do you mean?”

Male: "You said that he met you in high school, right? So, he thinks that you are a ‘certain type of girl', and he thinks that he will meet that same type of girl later in his life, when he’s ready, but… when he’s ready, that girl’s not going to be there. He has no idea how rare you are."

Enter single insta-tear down my face. This spoke to me in so many ways because I feel that although I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, I am a pretty damn good woman who has a lot to offer to someone capable of appreciating my worth. I cannot tell you how many times I have been sought out after the fact, just because people realize what they had, now that they no longer have it. Boyfriends, guys I dated, friends, and it continues to be a common theme in my life. I try not to take someone for granted to that degree because I’d like to think that I am the type of person who gives people probably way too many chances. Conversely, when I am done, I am done and there’s no convincing me otherwise after that switch has been flicked. I know that I have taken people for granted in the past, but I think I have learned a lot from those experiences and try not to make those same mistakes. 

I am hopeful to see what the remainder of this three-month membership/sentence of this dating site has in store for me. At the very least, I went out of the online dating world with a bang (to my bank account)! And with that, I bid you adieu. My brain sure feels a lot lighter. #success

01/17/2019 - 2:27 AM

[mrandyzavala]

It's The Little Things (That Freak Us Out)

You guys.  I had a dream last night that inspired this blog.  In that dream, I got this idea, which resulted in the remainder of the dream being spent trying to operate my phone in order to open the Notes app to write down a blurb to remind me of the idea.  But like all of my dreams that have to do with my phone, I CAN NEVER USE IT.  Like WHAT IS THAT.  I can’t run from monsters/bad guys in my nightmares, 911 is always busy, and I suddenly have completely worthless hands that cannot operate a touch screen on a cell phone.

 STAY AWAY

So all of this hype basically means that I will now continue on to totally disappoint you with a relatively mundane (but, I’d argue, very important) topic that was important enough in my subconscious to bring forward.  But then again, I have also dreamed about half-mice-half-women and also, frogs.  

This blog, as well as countless other zookeeper-related social media posts, have addressed some of the major downsides to our job, including the really scary ones.  Most of us have worked with animals who can kill us, via brute force, precise lethal blows/bites, venom or toxin.  Most of us have major anxiety about locks and gates, or leaving potentially dangerous items in habitats that can be ingested.  We worry endlessly about sick animals, pregnant animals, animals who look slightly off but probably are just a little constipated.  These are the Real Fears of zookeeping.

But what about the OTHER things we freak out about on a daily basis? Are those tiny, insignificant worries not worth their own blog?  According to my brain, it’s time we addressed them.  The world should know what animal caretakers deal with emotionally.  And frankly, all of you need to know that you’re not alone and/or effing insane.

Let’s take a look at the Top Ten Really Stupid Fears I had in my tenure as a marine mammal specialist.

1. THE FEAR OF  My Favorite Hose Nozzle Breaking

Ain't no exhibit gettin clean with those kinks!

Oh. Oh.  ANY zookeeper who uses a hose for any amount of cleaning is probably standing up and placing their hands over their hearts.  There is nothing like walking into a sea lion-poopy (or, oh god, otter poo-slime) habitat and knowing that you have a baller hose that is basically 1 psi away from a fire hose.  You KNOW that sh*t is getting clean.  You feel like some kind of Doolittle AquaMan as you wield and manipulate jets of water like they are extensions of your own hands.  You control where each water molecule goes, you dilute and rinse every soap bubble, every speck of disinfectant.  You time yourself and know you can bang out a spotless exhibit in record time.

But then, your beloved nozzle breaks.  Or, worse, another coworker gets “the good hose” before you get there.  And then you’re left with the shriveled little hose, that is just left installed for posterity, that does not so much spray as it oozes water.  This is the nozzle that would do a worse job than if you carried in a water fountain to clean up massive piles of sea lion crap. You’re going to be there for hours.  Hours.  And the entire time, the sea lions judge you.  YOU judge you.  You only need one experience with this pathetic, worthless nozzle to instill intense fear that THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN IF YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR GAME NEXT TIME.

Let’s not even talk about winter, when water lines freeze and you not only can’t clean the exhibit, but you slip and fall directly into a pile of whatever that brown goo is on pinniped teeth that they shoot everywhere like giant streams of snot. 

2. THE FEAR OF YELLOW FLIES

Behold, for I bring you demons from hell

Florida peeps,  hear me.  I moved to Maryland where the worst bug we get is a mosquito. Yeah, they carry some illnesses.  But really, this is the safest place I have ever lived insect-wise (of course, I live right next to Baltimore City so it all evens out, safety-wise).  But you guys have yellow flies. 

Despite being utterly miserable working outside in freezing temperatures in Florida, despite wanting to be warm and enjoy not feeling like I was going to die, I still dreaded summertime when I worked as a dolphin trainer in the sunshine state.  Why? Because the Yellow Flies liked summertime too.  That is where our common ground ended. 

You see, *I* like summer time because it meant sun tans, sunset fishing on the beach, wearing nothing but a bathing suit all day, gardening, etc.  Yellow Flies like summer because blood.  

Now imagine your entire back covered in those

I have never experienced pain from an animal like I have yellow flies.  As a zoological expert, I can tell you that the mouth parts of yellow flies are composed of circle saws dipped in hydrofluoric acid. Unlike mosquitoes, which you may or may not feel biting you, yellow flies land quietly on the most inaccessible part of your body and perform major surgery in order to extract what seems like 89 liters of blood and at least one major organ.

I literally flipped out in complete, paralyzing fear anytime I saw these stupid mofos.  You know how people react when a spider is on them? Or a bee or something?  That is all of us in Yellow Fly country, except as zookeepers we are outside 90% of our day and usually have our attention and hands focused on something more important, like our own safety or the safety of our animals.  The Yellow Flies know this and make their vicious attacks, leaving gigantic welts and PTSD in their wake. 

3. THE FEAR OF Forgetting Deodorant

The internet understands

As a zookeeper, this is one of the worst mistakes you can make that does not result in anyone’s death.  Although, I think I have come close to killing someone with my uh, Natural Scent after being in the sun for 10 hours with no deodorant.  I AM SO SORRY.

4. THE FEAR OF Being In A Wetsuit and Have To Pee.  No, I lied.  Number Two.

Too bad

Yeah, they don’t tell you about this in the shamelessly-monetizing BE A DOLPHIN TRAINER books.  But you will get hermetically sealed in a wetsuit.  And then, just like when you played Ultimate Hide and Seek when you were a kid, you will have to take an enormous dump 5 minutes afterwards.  This is especially true in the winter months, when you are wearing two or three layers of neoprene and require the Jaws of Life to get you out.  Good luck if you had Chinese food the night before….

5. THE FEAR OF Girl Problems

Except you have to drive a front loader today

Not to be gross, but we are all scientists here.  We are biological experts.  And we know what happens to human and naked mole rat females on a monthly basis.  I distinctly remember standing next to one of the dolphin habitats in my bathing suit and rash guard, listening to a supervisor go over our plan for the next round of sessions when all of a sudden….I knew something bad was going down.  I knew I had at most, 30 seconds to address it.  So when my (male) supervisor looked at me and said, “Okay Cat, here is your role, go do it right now” I looked at him, my heart racing and anxiety through the roof, and said something like, “NO I CAN’T RIGHT NOW” and just ran away.  I was so terrified of what was happening to me that I didn't even care if I got in trouble.  Because you know what, I was sparing my supervisor some Night Of The Living Dead stuff. 

Girl, I feel you

Woe betide those of us who have had khaki uniforms…..

6. THE FEAR OF Reading Your Work Schedule Wrong

WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE

Shift work is hard to keep track of, even if your manager is amazing at scheduling consistency.  You know that your week is not always going to look the same.  Who else has dealt with Excel-based work schedules?  Who else has worked on a team with more than ten people on it?  Who else has looked at the wrong column and showed up at the wrong shift time because they did not have Golden Eagle Vision? 

The fear I experienced about misreading the schedule was instilled deeply in me after an experience I had as a mid-level trainer.  I was sitting in bed, hanging out with my cockatiel Lennon, reading a book.  I was enjoying my morning before a later shift (11-7:30), which was especially needed because I had horrendous tonsillitis.  Around 8:45, I got a call from my supervisor asking why I didn't show up for my 8:30 shift.  Furthermore, I was scheduled on the 9:15 dolphin swim.  

THIS

I flew out the door and made it to work in time, panicking that I had made a Terrible Mistake That Would Totally Get Me Fired.  Luckily, that fear took my mind off of the feeling like I was swallowing shards of glass.  But I sure did develop an OCD habit of checking and rechecking and rechecking and rechecking and rechecking the schedule

7. THE FEAR OF  Speaking To Guests In A Language I Took in Middle School 17 Years Ago

You're welcome.

“Hey Cat! We have guests from France who only speak French! You speak French, right?” *Heart lurches into my throat, butterflies flap wildly in stomach, intestines stop working* “Uh, yes, in high school 35 decades ago”

“GREAT! Here they are!”

And then a horribly embarrassing exchange would ensue, in which my foreign guests would attempt to speak English to me after hearing my pathetic attempt and probably ruined their entire vacation, where they would return to Paris or whatever and tell their friends, “Oh, we had this well-intentioned girl with the intelligence of foot fungus guide our dolphin swim.”

8. THE FEAR OF Forgetting My Lunch

 #forgotlunch

This is simple.  We burn 90926892368236 calories a day.  If you forget your lunch at most aquariums, your choice is to eat french fries the snack bar bought from Walmart 9 years ago, or eat ice cubes from the fish kitchen’s ice machine until your shift ends when you can eat Chinese food in large quantities.

9. THE FEAR OF Weather n’ Wildfires

UNLESS YOU ARE A DOLPHIN TRAINER. THEN YOU HAVE TO STAY OUTSIDE

I’ve never been afraid of thunderstorms until I was required to work outside in them.  Also, wildfires that blew ash all over everything.  Red Tides. 

10. THE FEAR OF Gastric Samples

It's all fun and games until the dolphin volunteers the Sacred Fluid

This is more specific to dolphin trainers who take their own gastric samples.  I know some of you suck on the end of the tube (you guys are, and I say this with love, seriously insane and do you realize you do NOT need to do that????), and you guys probably experience this specific fear more often than the rest of us.  But…there is really no fear as compares to inserting a tube into the mouth of a dolphin who is just ready to blow out every ounce of gastric fluid they have directly into your face, onto your shoulder, or (for you crazies) into your mouth.  Directly. 

THIS IS IT EXACTLY

I have seen dead animals.  I have fallen in blood, poop, pee.  I have gotten pus in my face.  I have had weeks worth of otter poop poured over my head.  I have used limb loppers to cute sea lion ribs.  There is not a lot that grosses me out.  But gastric fluid shooting onto my shirt? AHHHHHHHHHH

So, friends, those are just a handful of the fears and unpleasantries I experienced as a dolphin trainer.  But now let’s hear some of yours!

from The Middle Flipper http://ift.tt/2ufD6N6