#the way this recontextualizes everything we've talked about for after his death makes me want to scream btw

[itchose]

finding her like this brought him back to a place he's tried to forget for the last decade, with no real progress  —-   his baby brother dead,  a haunting image that anything can trigger,   especially something like this.    this is someone he’s come to see as a sister—   though he’s never had any real confidence in saying the title out loud,  nor has he ever felt like he deserved her calling him anything similar,   but whenever their relationship changed and turned into something familial,   he made a promise to himself that he wouldn’t lose her the way he lost his brother.   he would do better this time,   he would protect her in ways he failed to do for him,    he would be the kind of brother she could rely on for anything,  even her darkest thoughts,   ones he’s gotten used to from her and from himself,  a harsh similarity they share.

what’s different between finding her like this and his brother the way he did back then is that there’s so much more blood here,   too much that he’s not even sure how to go about cleaning it up just yet—   but their home is far from his concern,   his only real thoughts now focused entirely on her and figuring out how the hell she got like this.

@manslaught said, "i might just die, it would make no difference."

he’s been close to death more times than he could count—  close enough to feel something other than agony,   a relief of some sort that he was desperate to hold onto,  but it never lasted.   he and nat made a promise to each other long ago that they would never let themselves go that far—  but he’s never been certain that mikayla was in on the same deal, too,  and the more she struggled to cope with everything that was taken from her,  the more worried travis got that she would never find any peace   (   he could accept that peace wasn’t for him—-   but she deserved it,  more than anyone he knew.  )   it’s instinct to jump to the worst conclusion— to believe that she did this on purpose,  finally hitting a breaking point he always feared she might,  and her words do nothing to soothe him,  forcing tears from his own eyes as he frantically tries to care to her wounds. 

❝  it would.   it would make a fucking difference,   ❞    he blurts out,  ignoring the blood on his hand that isn’t his as he brings it up to her shoulder,   forcing her to look back at him.   he’s not one for eye contact usually,   but he doesn’t shy away from it now,  locking his eyes with hers in hopes that she can hear him.   ❝  it would make a difference to me.   i can’t—  ❞    he starts,  his jaw clenching as he sniffles,  trying to force his tears away,  because he’s worked so hard for years not to let himself fall apart like this,   but seeing her like this,  remembering the way he’s failed to protect his family before,   he can’t do it.   

❝  no.  okay?  just—  tell me what happened.   tell me what happened,  mikayla,  and we can figure it out together.  ❞    he’s never really been good at that,  but it’s all he can offer—   a chance for her to not be alone,  because she never is,  not when he’s around,   another promise he’s made to himself and to her.   he doesn’t know about her phone call,  doesn’t know about her ex-girlfriend planting roots to her new life;   all he knows is that mikayla could have died if he didn’t walk in when he did,   and it sounds like she’s okay with that.   he can’t blame her— not when he’s had the same thought before,  one he refused to voice,   because it made him feel sick with guilt.

❝  i'm sorry, mikayla, but i'm not letting you fucking die, ❞ he pleads.