#then they'll immediately be faced with me wearing dresses and makeup and etc

[johannestevans]

sometimes w disability, including mental illness, you just have to do something that works, even if it seems counterintuitive or would be hard to explain to an abled and healthy person

like for example, i have some paranoia issues and tendencies to hypervigilance - i get really freaked out when people stare at me and i don't know why or what they're looking for

and you might think, oh, but, johannes, you dress in vintage clothes and waistcoats and lace and ruffles and you wear high heels and you wear "tattoos" on your face

but no.

people look at me even when i'm in sneakers and an old coat and jeans bc like. i'm a faggot and i'm disabled and autistic. i have limp wrists and i swing my hips when i move, sometimes i stim or rock in public, i have some vocal and physical tics, i get Concentrated on activities, i'm either extremely under or extremely over expressive compared to NT expectations

so when people are staring at me without makeup or my foppish dandy clothes like. why are they looking at me? do they want to fuck me? rape me? do they want to do violence against me? have they recognised me and want to say smth nice about my work? have they recognised me and want me to die? have they clocked that i'm a homo and want to make it an issue? are they gonna call me a slur? are they gonna get physical?

and 99% of the time like. most of those don't apply. it's literally just someone glanced my way - it's not even necessarily a stare, or even really actively looking at me. human beings have eyes that track motion, and we automatically look at people's faces as well as other interesting details about them.

if someone wants to say something nice, or have recognised me, they'll come say so. if they want to fuck me, they'll tap me on grindr or come and talk to me. if they actually do hate me or want to hurt me, most people are too cowardly to do that ANYWAY

but because i don't know why they're looking at me, it ramps up the paranoia and the potential fears and scenarios etc.

but if i'm dressed up or wearing eyeliner and nail polish or wearing heels like... i know exactly why they're looking at me. there's no mystery or uncertainty to trigger my brain into coming up with paranoid worst case scenarios

yeah, they probably ARE staring a bit (although never as much as your paranoia tells you), but you're dressed like something worth staring at. don't worry about it, it's nbd

like even when i feel my paranoia getting worse when i'm dressed down i just go and put my eyeliner and dots and anchor on and immediately feel better, and it does help!