#there's probably some past and want to play muses i've forgotten too

[nelithic]

forget - me - not :   has your muse ever forgotten something that is or was important to them ?   are they afraid of forgetting things like that ? 

▀▀ 　BOTANICAL HEADCANONS　₊　

as nel would want, let's get a clear answer out of the way first: nel has a near film reel level memory for most things, and in particular would never forget something important to her.

now, wilful suppression of memory, on the other hand . . .

　　　　　　　　( major fell xenologue spoilers under the cut )

" i saw through your ruse from the beginning. i simply chose not to confront you about it. you took his place for his sake and for mine. that was an act of kindness. we may not have been born as twins, but i have always thought of you as my other half. "

so. the uselessness of ascribing horoscope signs to a 1000+ yo non-human aside LOL, i still enjoy using personality indicators as a way to help myself scaffold a character and understand the skeleton of who they are. to that end, i spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about nel being canonically a pisces despite the way she is, and especially the way i play her, which — full disclosure — i'm not especially a fan of how bland nice female protag love interest she becomes after xenologue chapter 4, and i'm going to be overall leaning more on her personality prior to the love interest reveal as being more than just a defense mechanism against alear in particular — but that's neither here nor there in this post.

where i've roughly landed for now is that i think a lot of the pisces comes down to a certain sentimentality in the way she handles traumas and very difficult personal decisions. we learn at the end of the xenologue that nel knew for however many centuries or however long this was going on — that nil was long dead and rafal was not her brother. i posit that the way she went about all these years was in large part a wilful self-suppression of the truth for her own emotional protection.

continuing on as though nothing had changed, playing into the game of pretend that rafal ( and likely sombron, who i think had the right idea for his master plan but ultimately underestimated nel's ability to sense her own twin — it's worth keeping in mind that twins in fell!gradlon aren't both around for very long, and so sombron probably didn't have much precedent to go off of in terms of whether he could expect her to figure it out eventually ) sets up by stepping seamlessly into nil's place. these are the facets of nel choosing to close her eyes and "forget" nil's death.

i think the hint of it being willful suppression and not just her going into it fully embracing the truth of rafal being a fake comes in her next line in the same scene, where she talks about finally mourning nil only recently by leaving his flower on the grave at the beginning of the fell xenologue:

" i carried that flower for a long time. i suppose some part of me was unable to move on. "

not allowing herself to face his death, grieve for it, and continue past it. the fact that she admits to carrying this bottled up, unprocessed grief for god knows how long seems to suggest that she was all too willing to accept the pretend story that rafal offers by stepping right in to her twin's shoes and pushing the truth way down. of course, 1) it's not like ignoring the truth makes you truly forget it ever happened even if only somewhere in your subconscious, and 2) nel has a fantastic memory even when she doesn't want to, so it's not like she literally self-inflicted amnesia — hence, unresolved grief and holding onto the original nil's flower for a millennia or something.

it's also worth noting that she specifically interpreted rafal's decision to become nil as being "an act of kindness", which, however many layers of logical fallacy that may have been filtered through, is i think indicative of how much she was willing to latch onto an emotional anchor / source of comfort at the time. this interpretation of rafal's decision as originating from kind intentions is particularly illuminating for nel's psyche in a larger context: we get the sense of fell!gradlon society being anything but kind ( particularly in the sense of being willing to subordinate the self for another individual, given that fell!gradlon is all about lifting up one's individual ego to rise above the pack ). it also ties in heavily with the psychological impact of rafal being apparently a spitting image of the original nil, considering we know the original nil was ( likely highly uncommonly ) kind by nature.

as for why willful suppression as the response — not only is she desperate for her brother in the aftermath of his loss, but for nel, who had devoted the purpose of her young life up to that point to protecting him from everything that wanted to harm him ( which was everything in gradlon KJDKG ), she was likely also unwilling and unable to face the fact that she had failed. facing that truth meant she would have to face loss of purpose, and, moreoever, loss of the source of her strength: which, though a separate meta for another time, i believe is what nil always has been for her.

losing her north star meant she would likely sink beneath the waves of what gradlon society expected of her, so she naturally latched on to a fake brother if it meant she could continue pulling her same strength and purpose she's relied on this long from something.

in terms of whether rafal was just " nil " to her, or whether she did acknowledge either then or at some point later that he was just a replacement deep down, the answer is essentially yes to both. right after the above quoted line, she continues:

" despite that, you became very dear to me. your companionship saved me from loneliness and despair. i was happy to be a sister to you. "

trying to parse out when exactly she reconciled inside herself that rafal was not nil, for how long she continued fully investing in the playact, and when she recognized that she cared for him either or both as an individual separate from her brother and as her brother nil — is ultimately i think an effort with no answer, because the answer to all of them is kind of equally ' always ' and ' never ', and slides back and forth along a scale between the two binaries at any given point in time between the original nil's death and the end of the fell xenologue.

so tl;dr, the truth is: yes, she forgot nil's death and let rafal supplant him yes, she never forgot nil's death and knew rafal would never replace him yes, she loved him as nil yes, she loved him as someone-pretending-to-be-nil yes, she loved him as himself

[squidficdump]

FREE HIM (ch1)

pairing: Deok-su x Reader rating: M words: 779 read: 5m (fastest) content: plot without pourn, first person, dark themes, existentialism, toxic romance

A/N: WP | AO3

The classical melody that signaled morning wrenched me out of my deep slumber.

I go away in my dreams.

It's a nice place, but I'm always suffocating.

There's a beautiful lake full of terrifying creatures, and I row out onto it. Sometimes surrounded by friends. Sometimes enemies. But no matter what I'm doing, I can't breathe.

Even still, I'd rather be in that recurring dreamscape, struggling for breath, than march in line with the other pink suits.

Today we were to get new "players." Little pawns. Odd to think of them like that. Whenever I try to...I feel like my face is splitting apart. Everybody dies, right? They signed up for this.

The small-portioned meals. Easy to stomach when you aren't connected with your stomach.

I feel like a ghost floating around in a robot. I don't even know the last time I saw my own face. What did I used to care about? What music did I used to listen to?

"Hey 14," said my neighbor behind me, "Pick up the pace, some of us wanna eat."

My instinct was to step back and motion for him to go ahead of me, but we have to go by number.

15 shoved past me anyway and grabbed his tray. 16 said to me, in a hushed tone, "You're not the one headed to the gallows today, so relax and stop walking like it, huh?"

I nodded politely but shrugged their hand off of my shoulder.

Usually I'm not this adverse to the occasional friendly touch.

Food gotten, I followed the line back to our rooms.

The tower was circular, underground. All hallways connected. No exits. No hiding places.

As I ate in silence, mask half-up out of paranoia, I mused about who the new players would be. If any of them would be smart enough to figure a way out. They probably weed those people out, right? They don't want anybody too smart participating in their games. I would kill to see their process of picking players.

Maybe there would be a bomb expert who could blow up the place, free us all from this contract with the devil.

---

456 players all laid out, drugged, in bunks. Prior to the dramatic entrance of awakening them, as per protocol, we gave each sedated player any medications they are prescribed outside of the games. This is one of the Frontman's standards for a level playing-field. He says that if we were to give them their medications while conscious, they might share them, hoard them, or refuse to take them.

It always felt weird, since I've never been a doctor, nurse, or pharmacist, but it isn't like we're doing anything legal out here.

Walking up to my assigned player, I was overwhelmed by the impact of his appearance. If not the largest man in the room, he certainly was compared to the 30 people I could see from a glance. He had a face tattoo of a snake, or maybe a dragon, it was difficult to see in this lighting.

I squinted at the label on the pill bottle I had been handed. 200mg quetiapine. Sliding open its sleek black cap, I poured the contents into my hand. Pressing two of my black gloved fingers to his lower lip, I tried not to be so aware of how warm and soft it was. I'd done this several times before, why did it suddenly feel so intimate to open this guy's crooked teeth and press these pills to the back of his surprisingly brushed tongue?

As I forced him to swallow, I did as well, very aware of the increasing strength of my own heartbeat as I felt his throbbing artery under my hand.

I filed out through the small door after the others, feet automatically following the lineup for the delivering of consent forms, but a superior called my number from behind me.

"DA-36,” I acknowledged, nodding to the manager of the gamemakers.

“Your requested training starts today,” she said, “or had you forgotten?”

“No, ma’am, muscle memory,” I explained.

She faced me silently for a moment. “Becoming a gamemaker is not an overnight process. You must meet certain requirements and show your understanding of all aspects of the games. Today, you will be trained on the players’ monitors. SA-12 is waiting to check your mask and give you a temporary one. This temporary mask is for cosmetic purposes and will not grant you clearance to enforcer-only hallways, rooms, or data. This mask contains your current ID with your current rank. At the end of today’s training you will return the borrowed triangle mask in exchange for your circle mask.”

“Yes ma’am.”

[jabbers-wild-world]

⇋  tumblr roleplaying history!

The rules are simple! Post the characters you currently roleplay as, want to roleplay, and have roleplayed in the past. Then tag people to do the same! Please repost and don’t reblog!

Currently Playing: (oh boy, do you really want the whole list? Okay, here goes. Just remember that you asked for this!)

Marshall Lee (Adventure Time)

Tobias (Animorphs)

Marco (Animorphs)

Karma (Assassination Classroom)

Koro-sensei (Assassination Classroom)

Zuko (Avatar: the Last Airbender)

Prince Adam/The Beast (Beauty and the Beast)

Hiro (Big Hero 6)

Drossel (Black Butler)

Thompson, Timber, and Canterbury (Black Butler)

Undertaker (Black Butler)

Train Heartnet (Black Cat)

Staz (Blood Lad)

Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs)

Dazai (Bungou Stray Dogs)

Rampo (Bungou Stray Dogs)

Max (Camp Camp)

David (Camp Camp)

Daniel (Camp Camp)

Li Syaoran (CardCaptors)

Chrono (Chrono Crusade)

Kizami (Corpse Party)

Kanda (D. Gray Man)

Lavi (D. Gray Man)

Wizardmon (Digimon)

Nagi (Deadman Wonderland)

Senji (Deadman Wonderland)

Ganta (Deadman Wonderland)

Decim (Death Parade)

Ginti (Death Parade)

Kagura (Demon Love Spell)

Dante (Devil May Cry)

Fenris (Dragon Age)

Shizuo (Durarara)

Nod (Epic)

Natsu (Fairy Tail)

Gajeel (Fairy Tail)

Sting (Fairy Tail)

Gray (Fairy Tail)

Jellal (Fairy Tail)

Pips (Ferngully)

Batty (Ferngully)

Kyo (Fruits Basket)

Hatsuharu (Fruits Basket)

Envy (Full Metal Alchemist)

Mustang (Full Metal Alchemist)

Ban (GetBackers)

Ginji (GetBackers)

Akabane (GetBackers)

Kazuki (GetBackers)

Teenage Lupin (Harry Potter)

Garry (Ib)

Inuyasha (Inuyasha)

Sesshomaru (Inuyasha)

Utsuho (Itsuwaribito)

Hikae (Itsuwaribito)

Chouza (Itsuwaribito)

Hiruko (Itsuwaribito)

Hisago (Itsuwaribito)

Gareki (Karneval)

Yogi (Karneval)

Pit (Kid Icarus)

Dark Pit (Kid Icarus)

Beetle (Kubo and the Two Strings)

White Joker (Kuni no Alice)

Black Joker (Kuni no Alice)

Ace (Kuni no Alice)

Blood (Kuni no Alice)

Boris (Kuni no Alice)

Gray Ringmarc (Kuni no Alice)

Julius (Kuni no Alice)

Elliot (Kuni no Alice)

Rafiki (Lion King)

Judal (Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic)

Bowser (Mario/Smash Bros)

Felix/Chat Noir (Miraculous Ladybug PV)

Adrien/Cat Noir (Miraculous Ladybug)

Charlie (Monsterkind)

Roy G. Biv (Monsterkind)

Ginko (Mushishi)

Bakugou (My Hero Academia)

Kirishima (My Hero Academia)

Todoroki (My Hero Academia)

Tokoyami (My Hero Academia)

Kaminari (My Hero Academia)

Aizawa (My Hero Academia)

Ojiro (My Hero Academia)

Capper (My Little Pony)

Samon (Nanbaka)

Jyugo (Nanbaka)

Uno (Nanbaka)

Rock (Nanbaka)

Nico (Nanbaka)

Musashi (Nanbaka)

Mitsuru (Nanbaka)

Yamato (Nanbaka)

Nora (Nora: The Last Chronicle of Devildom)

Rivan (Nora: The Last Chronicle of Devildom)

Barik (Nora: The Last Chronicle of Devildom)

Wesley (Oz+)

Oz (Oz+)

Crowley (Oz+)

Leonardo (Oz+)

Break (Pandora Hearts)

Gil (Pandora Hearts)

Yosuke (Persona 4)

Akira/Joker (Persona 5)

Ryuji (Persona 5)

Morgana (Persona 5)

James (Pokemon)

N (Pokemon)

Garrett (Quest for Camelot)

The Griffin (Quest for Camelot)

Jack Frost (Rise of the Guardians)

Bunnymund (Rise of the Guardians)

Adam (RWBY)

Ren (RWBY)

Sun (RWBY)

Roman (RWBY)

Fox (RWBY)

Ozpin (RWBY)

Mercury (RWBY)

Luke (Sacred Blacksmith)

Goku (Saiyuki)

Felix (Satan and Me)

Satan (Satan and Me)

Uriel (Satan and Me)

Pax (Satan and Me)

Kuro (Servamp)

Titus Ram (Seven Princes of the Thousand-Year Labyrinth)

Messiah Reed (Seven Princes of the Thousand-Year Labyrinth)

Mushra (Shinzo)

Sago (Shinzo)

Kutal (Shinzo)

Ryuma (Shinzo)

Ikuto (Shugo Chara)

Obi (Snow White with the Red Hair)

Zen (Snow White with the Red Hair)

Mitsuhide (Snow White with the Red Hair)

Xelloss (Slayers)

Gourry (Slayers)

Zelgadiss (Slayers)

Soul (Soul Eater)

Stein (Soul Eater)

Haruka (Tactics)

Varian (Tangled)

Maximus (Tangled)

Quirin (Tangled)

Xavier (Tangled)

Guy (Tales of the Abyss)

Luke fon Fabre (Tales of the Abyss)

Klarth (Tales of Phantasia)

Cress (Tales of Phantasia)

Chester (Tales of Phantasia)

Kratos (Tales of Symphonia)

Guy (The Croods)

Lion-O (Thundercats)

Tokiya (Time Guardian)

Branch (Trolls)

Guy Diamond (Trolls)

Creek (Trolls)

Fai (Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle)

Kurogane (Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle)

Syaoran (Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle)

Shiro (Voltron Legendary Defender)

Keith (Voltron Legendary Defender)

Hunk (Voltron Legendary Defender)

Remy Lebeau/Gambit (X-Men Misfits)

Mogar (X-Ray and Vav)

Watanuki (xxxHolic)

Shin-Ah (Yona of the Dawn)

Hak (Yona of the Dawn)

Yuri Plisetsky (Yuri on Ice)

And a whole ton of OCs I’m not going to even start listing now.

Want to Play: (as if I need more muses, lol)

Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Link (Breath of the Wild)

Anchor (Finding Nemo)

Pitch (Rise of the Guardians)

Joker (Black Butler)

Riku (Kingdom Hearts)

Zelos (Tales of Symphonia)

Have Played: (some of these may or may not come back)

Signless (Homestuck)

Karkat (Homestuck)

Oseru (Nora: The Last Chronicle of Devildom)

Bajee (Nora: The Last Chronicle of Devildom)

Leonard (Nora: The Last Chronicle of Devildom)

Zadkiel (Satan and Me)

Archangel Michael (Satan and Me)

Gabriel (Satan and Me)

Ipos (Satan and Me)

Jericho (Kuni no Alice)

Ashitaka (Princess Mononoke)

Haku (Spirited Away)

Howl (Howl’s Moving Castle)

Mushrambo (Shinzo)

Makoto (Free!)

Rin (Free!)

tagged by: @chainsxwsmile tagging: @maskedmuses, @wildbcrn, @adventurouswind, @liittlemac, @the-purple-hero @museswcrm