#thing like NEVER happens at catholic churches most churches musical section sucks ASS in my opinion i just really liked when they pulled

[saportuh]

ok panic concert highlights

(plus some personal adventures)

this was the portland show on the 12th k

so it was a fuckin hour and a half drive bc where i fuckin live now is far away from everything i hate it anyway that sucked & i ran my phone down to 80 percent during said drive which proved problematic

we get there (me & my lil sis) & our dad drops us off & we run up & im bitching about how weird the fucking venue is (it’s normal, it’s just not what i’m used to - in vegas the venues were typically in the casino/resorts so you lined up inside the halls & sat against the walls & tourist-watched, in this venue u stood outside in a line???? ughhh)

so we approach the line & something happens, i’m gonna make a separate post about it because holy shit

befriended two excitable gay kids, maybe 8th or 9th grade?? & i was like woah i was u once. now im old & jaded. eugh. then they bailed on me so.

we got into the arena & were on the wrong fucking side so we had to JOG all the way AROUND THE WHOLE FUCKINGN PLACE UGH

THEN WE GOT IN & SAT IN THE WRONG SEATS so the guy next to me (dad w a thick accent, maybe ukranian?? it wasn’t russian but it was close) politely informed me & i was like fuck well until they get here we’ll stay, but i had anxiety so during an arizona song i pretended to go to the bathroom & came back to look for our actual seat, someone took it so i pussied out & went back, had hella anxiety about it, then before hayley the ppl showed up so we had to move & i had to kick some preps out of their seat & they called my lil sister a bitch ;-;

OK SO ONTO THE PERFORMERS

arizona was cute, gotta check them out... singer kept getting emotional & wiping his eyes, it was sweet, and he was hella feeling himself dancing & stuff lmaoo. idk em but im proud of them.

HAYLEYYYYYYYYYYY her dancing & drumming & outfit??? also all the lesbians/wlw getting crunk in the crowd was so damn good haha

ALSO shout out to hayley’s band, they were so cute??? the guitarist & her kept having moments & he seemed like a cool dude, & the girl on synths was so pretty omg??? & smiley i loved her. & the drummer, they were goin so hard i couldnt get a good look, but they had kewl hair

“if you don’t know anything about me, there’s one thing you should know: I LOVE GIRLS” there was so much gay energy at that show i was teary the whole damn time

k confession, i love everything about hayley but i find her voice a little grating on the ears, something about it, but it was super angelic live & didn’t bug me once, & wanna be missed fucked me up cuz it’s my fucking f a v

SHE DID THE DRUMMY IT WAS HOT 

her oufit was so damn iconic rlly tho, the pants & shoes totes fit her but wouldn't look good on anyone else, but that shirt, the hot dad look w the open v & all the jewelry, holy fuck that’s how im tryna be

during girls like girls, everyone had their lights out & there was a bunch of pride flags out, and i got this gorgeous shot of a gay pride flag illuminated by lights (i posted it)

most of the songs they played between the breaks were gay themed too which was powerful dude i was so damn emotional

then during the countdown to panic, they played the next episode by dre (the “smoke weed every day” song) & then africa by toto jsfndjfndjskfnjdk

THEN PANIC CAME OUT 

WHOLE ASS STRING & BRASS SECTION BDEN RLLY WENT THERE WOAH

KENNY & NICOLE WERE SO CUTE THE WHOLE TIME THEY KEPT GOOFING AROUND ESPECIALLY KENNY IT WAS ADORABLE

THEN BREB POPPED OUT THE DAMN FLOOR

ok several things about breb

one, i never was heavy into panic, but considering how obsessive i was into bandom a few years back, i still know a lot about early panic, livejournal shit, ryden bullshit, etc, so it was really weird being there with normies who were just like “he’s hot & sings good” when i was like “yall lucky fucks never heard of myrtle beach ” dsjfnjsdnfds

two, four years into panic & i never was attracted to brendon, but dude, EVERYONE fell in love with him at this show, myself included, & i was starin at this bitch ass motherfucker in a trance before i was like “wait ur a bastard STOP U ENDEARING DICKWAD” he was so fucking endearing it was ANNOYING cuz i’ve seen some of the shit he’s pulled damnit. srsly tho, so absolutely charming, wow.

three, and what stuck with me most; brendon loves what he does. a little bit of exhibitionism, i think; he likes ppl looking at & admiring him, he’s that type of person, a showman, but also, i think he just loves making music, people singing along to the music, etc. ive been to eight concerts now, and i don’t think i’ve seen someone who clearly loved being on stage so much. a lot of ppl act like it’s a chore to tour, but brendon clearly loves it, and it made me happy, especially as an aspiring musician. 

four, the straighties drooling over him and the gays drooling over him was truly straight/gay solidarity

ok what else happened... brendon would throw in random ass high notes towards the ends of songs... my sister looked at me super alarmed when he first did it during dtmwagt lmfao... ppl would cheer & it was impressive, but kinda piercing & i was like “show off” lol

HE DID THE ‘I MAKE THESE HIGH HEELS WORK’ thing, i thought he retired tht?? so i was pleased lmfao

i dont rmr anything that stands out about ready to go or la devotee but the lights & backgrounds during them were very pretty & i got some good pics of brebbois face (i finally got semi decent quality pics im rlly happy abt tht, concerts r so hard to photograph)

hallelujah was cool cuz there were, like, those catholic(?) church windows projected on the top part of the stage, it was pretty af, they rlly outdid themselves with the visuals

and mona lisa had like pipes & industrial stuff?? idk it looked dope, and it contrasted rlly cool it was super pretty

nine in the afternoon,,,, the only pretty odd song... i dont even like pretty odd but it was like,,, damn. & he had the piano, total live in denver vibes ;-; but he wasnt dripping sweat this time lmao

golden days, brebweenie knows hes hot, kept winking & doing mic flips & shit & i was like u fucken weenie ive seen that pic of u w a bowl cut in a bra, die

k he’s a fuckin bastard but hhe’s pretty & talented fuckin big ego bitch ... can yall tell i hav a lovehate relationship w him bc i do

I GOT THIS ONE PART ON VIDEO DURING GOLDEN DAYS WHERE KENNY & NICOLE R FUCKING AROUND & MAKING FACES & GOOFING IT’S SO CUTE

during casual affair in the chorus, the mic would echo each word (just lay (lay) in the atmosphere (sphere) & the ‘lay’ was rlly good on my ears idk sometimes certain vocal notes sound GOOD & that was one i keep replaying it

SO VEGAS LIGHTS as yall kno i was born & raised in vegas & a vegasfucker69 it’s my fucking home i moved last november (not my choice) & miss it violently & i was CRYING during vegas lights hard & it was so beautiful im gonna watch the video i got over & over & over that song means so much to me IM SO FUCKING HOMESICK

speaking of which, im pretty bitter i didnt see panic in vegas, this was my first panic show & that kinda bothers me, like i should’ve seen them in vegas a few yrs ago but it never worked out.... still, im grateful i saw them at all & im glad i saw the song live. i had my fob snapback on too, it says ‘las vegas’ on it cuz i got it there haha, wore that on purpose

he did the fucking running man thing towards the end & everyone cheered & i was like dONT ENABLE HIM

sat down during dancing’s not a crime cuz im a bitch who doesn’t like half the new record & also my knees hurt cuz im old apparently, anyway this chick glared at me then sang every word wat a fuckin prep lmao

o yah i forgot, in golden days he got in the crowd & let a girl sing the last chorus it was amazing i bet that made her life

AND DURING DOAB HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD that was SO FUCKING ENDEARING i was like “wow what a guy” then i was like “HE’S A BITCH U KNOW HIM” & i was like “hmm??? what a guy” but omg he made so many people happy it was really beautiful & sweet & i was like... half in love & then i came to my senses jksjfhjsdhfkjsdn

RLLY THO HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD & HIGH FIVED PPL & SHIT & GAVE HUGS & TOOK ART/LETTERS IT WAS SO DAMN GOOD HE WAS SO SWEET & LEGIT EVERYONE WAS FALLING FOR HIM & I WAS LIKE SUFFERING

legit guys, like it’s weird i used to watch his parascopes in 2015 or w/e & he’d say some Bad shit on there sometimes, like ik he does some messy shit BUT HE ACTED SO FUCKING LOVELY BLEH

also he’s very short, like he’s 2 inches taller than me but he looked so little in the crowd i was like... aw

the piano thing ;-; it was rlly pretty but my paranoia & anxiety was off the charts i was like that things gonna fucking fall & crush the crowd it’s gonna fucking fALL but it didnt ofc but i was stressed bleghh

but ok on a positive note, that was soo fucken lovely, bden stopped to try to make eye contact with as many ppl in as many places of possible, like he made the effort to get to everyone & make them have a special moment & it was ... magical ok thts fucken cliche as shit but it rlly was

ok i did smth lowkey embarrassing, i doubt he saw, but when he faced towards us i was just overwhelmed w like.. gratitude?? ive had a bad 2 years in every way, so being somewhere filled with love & fun & kindness & joy & all around good vibes, i was so grateful? i just wanted to thank him for creating that kinda atmosphere. so i like,,, blew kisses but not in a weird way, like later i was like oh that was kinda weird whyd i do that, but at that moment i didnt use my head & it was jus my instinctual way of saying thank u idk it’s lame but it happened so there ya go idfk

fun fact, my vid of it is out of focus cuz i was so enamored watching him & watching the crowd react it was pretty fucking magical it rlly was

once he got down from that piano he went “wow i feel so fucking inspired now” & i was like “bitch me too tf” 

legit it was absolutely indescribable, even watching my vid now.... wow. and u can hear me lightly crying in the back of my video too lmao, and i was shaking p hard, it was so fucking magical. like im getting emotional rn cuz it was exactly what i needed to remind myself that there is good stuff in the world thats worth staying for. 

i never was super big on panic or breb like i said but if i ever meet him im gonna thank him bc that. wow. transformative.

also that transition from the piano cover he did to dying in la was smooth af. it was all around gorgeous.

OK GIRLS GIRLS BOYS, I WAS SO CONCERNED W FILMING I COULDNT PUT MY LIGHT ON (i had a red heart) BUT OMG

he got a bi flag first, then a rainbow one, then another rainbow one... one was those hayley ones lol, and one ended up on the stage out of his eyesight & he never saw it & i felt so bad fjdnfds

G-D ALL THE GAYS SINGING WAS SO EMOTIONAL & THE RAINBOW BEHIND THEM ON STAGE (AND PAN FLAG COLORS AT TIMES?!??!?!)) IT WAS FUCKING MAGICAL & BRENDON LET A FLAG DRIFT IN THE WIND FOR A SEC BEFORE HE PUT IT ON IT WAS GORGEOUS

AND ALL THE RAINBOW LIGHTS IN THE CROWD FUCK DUDE

breb might be a turd but he’s the only one of these emo dudes who parades around draped in flags & so aggressively empowers gay fans through it, and for that, i respect him. ik the song has more perverse origins but now it’s a bi anthem that rlly connects w lgbt fans & it’s rlly beautiful, AND i got another gorgeous shot of a pride flag surrounded by lights & im just. wow.

after, breb said “that is gorgeous btw” about the rainbow lights, and “thank u for participating in love” & giggled, i got this shot of the lights in the dark lookin incredible ;-;

also said “this a record number of flags tonight, very cool” so portland is rlly gay apparently, kewl

nicole doin the nicotine bass line slayed me dead wowie u can hear me go “WOO” on the vid lmfao (im a bassist so i lov her double)

ive seen miss jackson live twice now cuz at my monumentour show, new politics brought lolo out to cover it so that’s dope lmfao

anyway bden did the fuckin valley girl voice for “the scenery is so loud” which was delightful

he had us do the ‘ayyyy’ bit woo

NICOLES BASS,,, SPARKLY

drum thingy ;-; speaking of monumentour, andy & patrick famously did a drum off & i MISSED IT cuz the stage at my venue wasnt large enough to fit both sets ;-; so they didnt do it ;-; but bden doin his own drum solo kinda made up for it a little bit

fuckin show off tho he played like 3 instruments & i was like u bitch stop

there was some kinda audio sample that went “i got a fever & the only prescription is more caffeine(?)” & bden mouthed the words along, and some girl behind me went “SAME” 

UPDATE: googled it, i knew i recognized chris walken’s voice, he says cowbell not caffeine & it’s a skit from snl that i’ve SEEN im a disgrace anyway that was fun also woo cowbell

the big screen kept cutting from bden drumming to a shot of the crowd & someone holding a pride flag & i was like yah drumming is gay now

lmao i only filmed like a minute of a song unless i rlly liked it so i could spend the rest of the song gettin funky right?? & i like king of the clouds but not a ton, but i filmed the whole thing cuz the visuals were so pretty lmfaooo i jus was staring at them like wowwww prettyyyyy

during the ‘i dont feel anything at all’ he looked rlly sad & i couldnt tell if it was genuine or if he was goin for like a pouty look djfdsjfndjks then right after he winked so ig pouty thx breb

at some point he introduced nicole&kenny plus the strings & brass ppl as “his friends” it was sweet & he was like “these lovely ladies” about the strings & “these handsome men” about the brass & i was like WOO GAY RIGHTS

FIRE DURIN CRAZY EQUALS GENIUS. BOZ FLASHBACKS. FIRE ON MY FACE HUNDREDS OF FEET AWAY. FEAR. DONT LIKE FIRE. SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. KENNY WAS TOO CLOSE. FEAR.

a whole arena singing bohemian rhapsody 25+ years after freddie mercury’s death was Incredible, i dont believe in afterlives but if there is one i hope he was watching & enjoying & knowing his legacy was staying alive bc wow that was powerful

THE END WAS CRUNK AF HOLY SHIT BDEN GOT DOWN

i cant believe i remember the day emperors came out like,,,, jeez. so lit live tho

I HAVENT MENTIONED HIS SPARKLY SUIT YET. KING OF SPARKLY SUITS

BRENDON DOIN HIS HIGH NOTE BIT & THE STAGE LIGHTING UP FULLY ON FIRE FUCK DUDE

bitchden took his shirt off when he came out for the encore..... bitch

SINS,,, FUCK DUDE,,,, MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRYING HHYSTERICALLYYY, 

in the background of my vid u can hear me do the ‘ily’ ‘ily’ from the mv emo ass

my lil sis got fucken turnt to sins lmfaooo??? danced her ass off???

us: W H O R E bden: ily

VIOLINISTS GETTIN WILD TOO

they played footage of the music vid & breb & his fuckin iconic outfit & i was a lil emo kid again omg i cant believe i saw it live

he did funny voice durin calls for a toast nerd ... least he’s not entirely bitter abt songs ryan wrote anymore tho lmao... or maybe he is considering theres only two on the 30 song setlist ;-;

i gotta listen to afycso again damn it’s so iconic

oh yah at some bit he said “ive been doing this for 14 years, im 31 now” & it reminded me like.. most of these emo bands, they started so young. & got successful at such a young age. it’s so crazy. idk. wow. 

he got growly during the chorus, that’s pstump’s thing beeb dont steal it lmao

CONFETTI fitting ending, & i got him walking off which is cool, other bands it goes dark & they just kinda disappear & it’s unsatisfying ;-;

so yah i finally saw breadman live, i got 400 pics and 30 videos so that all got spam posted over the last few days lmao

[theliterateape]

Termination | An Excerpt from CROSS FIT

By Paul Teodo & Tom Myers

In eleven days I’ll have a year. Twelve months without a drink. About time. I’ve been around the program for about twenty years but could never manage a year. I was an in and outer. More out than in. I’d get to that tenth or eleventh month and shit would start to happen that’d make me thirsty. Disappoint all those who were hoping that I would get it. This time I felt good. Strong. I was close. But it was one day at a time.

I was in my office at Western Highlands Medical Center sipping black coffee, reading the Sun-Times, listening to La Forza Del Destino by Verdi, one of the darkest and most depressing operas ever composed. Everybody dies at the end, murdered or suicide; their prayers for salvation and redemption unanswered. Beautiful, but it could make you want to slit your wrists. Some people give me crap for listening to opera. I don’t have to explain it. I like it. Season tickets to the Lyric are more than a grand so it’s opera or the Bears. The Bears suck. I choose opera. With this job I can afford it.

Front page. FIVE PRIESTS ACCUSED OF MOLESTING ALTAR BOYS. The leaders of the church supposed to be protecting their flock sit on their asses while kids get abused and traumatized for the rest of their lives.

Also on the front page. OBAMA VISITS CHICAGO. November’s election was huge.

Sports Page. CUBS SWEPT FROM PLAYOFFS . I love it. I’m a Sox fan.

Business Section. HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR FOUND DEAD. We don’t usually make the news. Survived by his wife of thirty-two years and son.

Back page COLD SNAP PREDICTED TO SET OCTOBER RECORD. Bad weather? In Chicago? Who would notice?

DOG FIGHTING RING BROKEN UP. Made me think of mine. Hung from a Goddamn tree when I was a kid. I can’t go there. Not today. Not this morning.

I think I’d met that Orman guy. The hospital exec. Seemed like a good man. I wondered about a Jewish guy running a Catholic Hospital. I grew up in that neighborhood. I got out a long time ago. Glad to be gone. The area’s a war zone. I wondered if somebody off’d him. Wouldn’t be surprised.

My phone buzzed. I looked down at the screen, Greta. She never called this early. It was her me time, to meditate, maybe contort in yoga or Pilates. Should I pick up? She was my boss, but Jesus, it was 6:30. I cut the volume on the opera.

“Greta,” I tried to sound happy, surprised, “Good morning. Early for you.”

“Good morning. I figured you’d be in already.”

“I like early. Get my head clear for the day. What’s up?”

“Do you have some time today about 3?”

That’s when it started. That feeling like a monkey fist twisting your gut. The pain starts. You try to catch your breath, to make it go away, but that doesn’t work. The pain just gets worse. Then that monkey becomes a gorilla who reaches down and squeezes your balls tight. “Sure.” My voice now much less cheerful.

“Good. I’ll come to your office.”

“Should I have anything ready? Report, numbers, research?” Knowing that if the answer was no, the news would not be good.

She paused, maybe two or three seconds, I could see her bite her lower lip with that top incisor when she needed to make a decision. “No, I just want to talk. See you at 3.” She hung up before I could respond.

Her name faded from the screen. The gorilla squeezed tighter. My left nut. The most sensitive, ruptured by Sal Vittori, a man-child linebacker for Saint Rita who buried his helmet in my groin during the Chicago Catholic League City Championship after F.O. (Francis) O’Malley handed off to me for a 2 point conversion to take the lead. I did not succeed. It’s strange the shit you think about when you’re scared. Like that year I spent at The Illinois Youth Center in St. Charles, commonly known as Charley Town, after I almost killed that punk who hung my dog. I was scared then too.

Something bad was going down. It was her pause that told the tale, but what the hell? I finally got some fiscal accountability around here. Budget was now tracking. Doctors were happy. I’d fired the assholes who weren’t. Nobody’d died who shouldn’t have. And I’d taken the class she’d prescribed, learning how to talk to women, and not look at Greta’s breasts even when they plopped out of her blouse. I thought I’d toed the line. Maybe it was a let’s see where we’re at and where we need to go meeting. I looked at the ceiling and heard God laughing. That ain’t what she’s coming for bud.

No. Today bad shit was going to rain down. It would arrive at 3 packaged in a two thousand dollar business suit; Jimmy Choo shoes wrapping perfectly pedicured feet; five grand of jewelry strategically dangling from earlobes, wrists and neck, plunging artfully into ample cleavage, which, faithful to my training, I would studiously avoid.

I slugged the rest of the coffee and tried to distract myself with the sports page. BEARS LOSE AGAIN. They’re out of the playoffs two years in a row. LOVIE ON HIS WAY OUT. He should be. And the Bulls would be a lost cause this year under Vinny Del Negro. An embarrassment to Italian-American people.

What the hell does she want? I stood and stretched. The back cracked. My arthritic shoulder, fractured by Officer Brown when I jacked him for coming on to that little kid at Charley Town, still gave me problems. I’d proudly worn the jagged scar left by the hack that did the surgery. It gave me street cred. And it took two of them to hold me down while the good officer beat me with his club.

“Are you okay?” Jenna was an early bird too. A compact curly-haired brunette with runner’s calves and a Christian work ethic that was fifty percent scared and fifty percent dedicated stood in the doorway. Her bum husband had bolted with a crack-whore, draining their accounts, leaving her with kids aged two, four, and five, so she needed a job. Though I swear there were days she would have worked for free just to serve the Lord. She was my assistant.

“Fine Jenna, just a little sore.”

“Too much football.” Her smile was sweet, like honey. Or saccharin.

“Too much old.”

She giggled. She was maybe twenty four. “You’re so funny.”

I wasn’t. I was scared and something I had no control over was about to happen. That gorilla was holding tight.

“I’m gonna go for a walk.”

“You have a 7:30 with Dr. Eriksen.”

“He’s always late.”

“You never know, God surprises us.” She left.

“I won’t be long, and I doubt if even God can get him here on time,” I growled through the doorway. I grabbed my jacket, felt for my keys, and started to leave.

Her phone rang. Her face strained. She waved for me to stop. “Hold on Doctor,” she said into the phone.

I wanted out of there. “I’ll be back in time.”

She put him on hold and held up her hand. “It’s Dr. Eriksen. He’s on the line.” She looked around the room like she was ready to commit a crime. “He’s really PO’ed.”

I swiped the phone from her hand. “Bjorn what’s up?” Nothing. Silence. “Bjorn.” I tried again. Still nothing.

“Let me.” Jenna bent over the desk and clicked the button connecting me with the irate surgeon. She stood back clutching the ever-present crucifix she wore around her neck.

“This is totally unacceptable!” Eriksen was as arrogant and angry as I’d ever heard him.

“What is Bjorn?”

“The condition of the OR, unacceptable!” His voice louder with every word.

“What’s wrong now?” I emphasized now. Pompous prick.

“I’ve made my expectations clear and you do not deliver.” I could see his pale Scandinavian skin turn crimson.

“What do you mean?” I decided to play dumb.

“You know what I need.”

“What Bjorn?”

“I don’t need to grovel.”

He never asks. He demands. He’s never come close to groveling. It was no use talking on the phone. “Bjorn sit tight, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“I’ll sit where I choose.” He disconnected.

“He’s so scary. Are things going to be okay?” Jenna trembled.

I tried to comfort her. “He’s just a bully.” Her look told me Eriksen reminded her of someone from her past. Most likely the ex. I hate bullies.

“I’m going to the OR. I’ll be back when I’m back.”

Jenna sat at her desk quietly, eyes avoiding mine.

I stomped down the hall. I hate bullies. I always have. I tried to contain my anger but I’d had it with his threats and arrogance. I’m not sure who I was encountering in the hall as my mind was on the Swede.

“Good morning.” The voice seemed far away. “In a hurry?”

I picked up my pace, my steps echoing off the marble floor. Eriksen would be a good tune-up for my meeting with Greta. I welcome combat in the face of fear.

There was a crowd waiting at the elevator so I hit the stairwell. Four flights up would do me good. I took the steps two at a time.

I swiped my card and the OR doors flew open. Eriksen is 6’4, around two-thirty. Hacking on people is hard. He liked it meat locker cold while banging on a hip or yanking a knee in place. The staff complained when they worked with him needing parkas to keep their teeth from chattering. Eriksen liked to stand out in red short-sleeve scrubs and extra-long gloves, blasting ZZ Top as he sawed, hammered and sewed on the orthopedically damaged suburbanites hoping to improve their less than stellar golf or tennis games. On occasion, especially in summer, I’d catch him in shorts. “Bjorn,” I’d scold him like a recalcitrant kindergartner, “put your pants on, Infection Control.” He’d scowl, his mask crinkling and then bitch about the temperature. And then put his pants on. Orthopods. Prima donnas second only to neurosurgeons.

He turned as I entered and eyed me up and down as if assessing my worthiness to be in his presence. “Bjorn what’s wrong?” He turned away making me beg him to talk. “C’mon what’s wrong?”

Well Dressed Man echoed off the sterile green walls.

“Can we turn that down?” I yelled over the bearded Texans.

A masked attendant in blue scrubs silenced the music.

Eriksen pointed to the thermostat. “I have discussed this with you in the past. In fact, multiple times. The temperature is not to my standard.”

The staff was huddled in winter wear providing insulation to their flimsy scrubs. Eriksen stood alone in his short sleeve top.

I glanced at the thermostat. “It’s sixty-three degrees.”

“I expect fifty-eight. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

I wanted to smack him. That would score points with the staff, but I’d probably get charged with assault, lose my job and any severance that was going to be attached to what I assumed was my impending termination. “We can’t. Joe and I have worked on this. The equipment won’t go lower than sixty-three. Plus consider our staff.”

“They’re here to service me. I am the surgeon. I require fifty-eight, as I have communicated multiple times before.”

“Sixty-three Bjorn, that’s what we can do. It’s fine for the rest of the surgeons.”

“They don’t bring you the business I do.” His sneer sliding across his face like a snake. “I’ve cancelled my cases for the morning.”

I wanted to slap that look off his face. “You what?”

“Cancelled.” I could tell he was loving the hell out of this. The spectacle. The performance. The opportunity to display his power.

“You had two hips. A knee. Big cases. That shows no respect to our patients and their families, not to mention the inconvenience to our staff.”

He seemed to puff his chest. “I will take them elsewhere.”

The room became deathly silent. The staff cowered anonymously behind their surgical masks: eyes bouncing back and forth between me and this bully. He played the card that independent surgeons loved to drop on hospital executives. Usually the MD’s won. Loss of surgical revenue. It could be the death knell of an administrator’s career.

I had nothing to lose. I was getting fired anyway. “You worthless piece of shit. You can take your fucking cases wherever they’ll put up with your bullshit.”

I sensed smiles beneath the masks witnessing the spectacle. On what I assumed might be my last day I’d gained a bit of cred. I doubted I’d enjoy the skirmish at three as much.

He stormed out of the OR. Probably heading to Greta’s office.

My father would have said, “tristo kosmatih medvedov”, which literally means three hundred hairy bears. That’s as pissed off as you can get in the Slovenian idiom. So when my old man really wanted to insult someone he swore in Italian. But I’m sticking with “worthless piece of shit”.

This is an excerpt from the forthcoming novel CROSS FIT by Paul Teodo and Tom Myers