#this belongs in a longer sequel i'll probably write eventually that (mostly) explores joe experiencing More Stuff that didn't make it into

[youssefguedira]

surprise! iron maiden joe sequel snippet

It's going fine, until it's not. 

Joe's too close to the edge, is the thing. Caught off guard by the fact that he's better, now, when it comes to being near the ocean, and there's a low railing. Not paying as much attention as he should be because of the chaos around him. He's only just started going on jobs again, and he's still getting used to guns. 

Which is why he doesn't notice how close he is to the railing, or the soldier raising his gun. Nicky shouts a warning, but it comes too late. There's two sharp cracks, and then pain explodes in his chest, the force of it sending him stumbling backwards, until he hits the railing and then there's another shot and Nicky is shouting his name in terror-

-and then he's falling, over the edge, into the water.

The next thing he knows is that he's drowning, and terror seizes him as he lashes out, trying to get to the surface because he's not too deep yet but his oxygen is running out because he's panicking too much to remember he needs to-

… 

try to conserve it and he's sunk deeper in the time he'd been dead and the surface is getting further in further and he doesn't want this again, has spent-

… 

so long like this but now he remembers what it's like to be out, to not be drowning, and he doesn't want to be trapped again-

…

so he fights harder than he ever has but the water is so heavy, he'd forgotten just how heavy it was, and he still can't calm himself down long enough to do-

… 

anything other than lash out blindly but he doesn't stop fighting because he can't because he doesn't want to drown again-

…

and then there's something, someone, reaching for him and he feels them grab his arm before he drowns again-

…

and then he's in blinding daylight, something holding him tightly, and he thrashes against it and screams and screams and screams as the something - no, someone - whispers in his ear, words he can't make out over the sound of the waves and a strange humming that seems to be coming from everywhere at once, and then the someone - Nicky, it must be - is running a gentle hand over his hair, rocking them both back and forth gently, and only then does Joe stop screaming. 

"I've got you," Nicky whispers in Joe's first language, the one he always defaults to when Joe panics like this, though it's never happened this badly because he's never actually drowned since getting out. A wounded sob escapes Joe's throat, and Nicky hushes him gently. "You're safe, Yusuf. I've got you." 

Finally, Joe looks around - they're on a boat, which explains the humming, and he's seated in the middle of its deck, away from the edge on all sides, between Nicky's legs with his back to Nicky's chest, Nicky's arms tight around him. They're both soaked through, meaning Nicky must have been the one to pull him out of the water. Nile is sitting on a bench nearby, watching him worriedly, though smiles at him when he meets her eyes.

"It's okay," Nicky whispers. "You're out, Yusuf. You're out." 

--------------------

Joe can't seem to stop shaking.

Nicky sits beside him in the car on the way back, as close as he can be, holding his hand. But Joe still can't stop shaking, nor can he breathe properly, like iron bands are clamped around his chest and preventing him from taking a full breath. He keeps his eyes closed and listens to his family talking around him, but doesn't say a word. 

When they arrive at the safehouse, Nicky leads him straight to their bedroom, still holding his hand. He lets go only to dig through the dresser, passing Joe a change of clothes wordlessly. 

Once Joe's changed, he takes Nicky's hoodie from where he'd left it on the bed that morning before leaving and pulls it on, partially for warmth and partially for comfort. When Nicky turns around, having changed too, and sees him sitting on the edge of their bed with the hood pulled up over his head, he smiles, reassuring but sad at the same time. 

"Will you be able to eat anything?" he asks softly, sitting down beside him. 

Joe shakes his head. 

"I'm going to check on the others, then. You'll be okay by yourself for a few minutes?" 

Joe nods this time, and Nicky smiles again, slipping his arm across Joe's shoulders and pulling him close, turning his head in to kiss the top of Joe's head. "I'll be back in a moment." 

With that, he leaves, and Joe is alone in the room. The house is quiet except for the sound of Nicky's footsteps, deliberately hitting every creaky floorboard between their bedroom and the rest of the house. Joe sits there for a moment longer, then stands, crossing to their window and pulling the curtains open. It's dark, now that the sun has set, but he doesn't turn on the light. Just stands by the window and watches the moon for a while. 

It's a clear night. There's only a few clouds in the sky, and they're far enough from the city that the stars are mostly visible above. Joe's hands won't stop shaking. He's so tired. 

He's better, for the most part. But he still dreams about the ocean more often than not, still has days where he can't handle being in contact with water, moments where he thinks it's all a dream and he'll wake up in the coffin any moment and can't seem to remember how to breathe. There are still things he just doesn't know about this new world, languages he can't speak the way he used to. It still haunts him, even though he's better, and he can't get away from it, no matter how much he wishes he could. 

Nicky doesn't speak at first when he returns, just closes the door carefully behind him. Joe doesn't turn to look, but he can hear him moving around. 

This safehouse is one of their nicer ones, and so there's a CD player in the bedroom, with a small stack of CDs beside it. There's some way to play music in every safehouse they've been to since they left Malta - if there isn't, they get one. There's a few albums or songs Joe likes to have wherever they are, but there are others they pick up at random from thrift stores nearby, so each safehouse's collection is slightly different. He listens as Nicky picks one up and opens its case, then places the disc in the tray. He skips forward a few tracks, and then lets it play - it's one of Joe's favourites, familiar and gentle. 

Only then does Nicky approach him, still careful to step on the creaky floorboards so Joe can hear him coming, wrapping his arms around Joe's waist from behind, taking both of Joe's still-trembling hands in his own. He begins to sway them both back and forth in time with the music, not quite dancing, just keeping Joe grounded. 

Joe lets his head fall back onto Nicky's shoulder without really thinking about it. For a long while, neither of them speak, and bit by bit the iron bands around Joe's chest begin to loosen, letting him breathe properly. 

"I don't want to feel like this anymore," Joe says finally. "I don't - I want to be able to stop thinking about it. I want to be able to feel like it was just a nightmare. I want-" His voice breaks. "I hate this." 

Nicky's fingertips brush the backs of Joe's hands. "I know. But you've come so far, Yusuf. This won't change that, and it will pass, I promise. You won't feel like this forever." 

"And what if it doesn't, and I can't ever get past it?" If the bad days never go away? 

Nicky kisses the curve of his shoulder. "I'll be here," he says simply. "Always. If you want to take another break from jobs and go back to Malta for a while, or if you want to stay. I'll be with you, whatever you decide.”

Joe nods.

He won’t make any decisions tonight. They’ll rejoin the others later, and maybe tonight he’ll dream of drowning again, and maybe he’ll scream himself awake, and maybe he’ll be okay in the morning but maybe he won’t. For now, he closes his eyes and listens to the music. 

(If he dreams, Nicky will be there when he wakes. And if he’s okay in the morning, Nicky will help him decide what to do next. And if he’s not, then Nicky will stay with him until he is, no matter how long it takes.)

(Joe will be okay, with time.)