#this dog sort of smells like dog dirt and shampoo which is weird since i don't think he ever bathed in his life?

[lonely--seeker]

Going on a fucking walk with my (not mine) dog that I hate (I don't) from now on because at this point I'm not entirely sure whose emotional, physical and mental health depends on it.

I need to take a picture of him because he's gotten so much bigger than last time I showed him

[orangewritesstuff]

Tfp megatron,starscream, knockout, and breakdown turned into dogs and human!s/o taking care of them,petting them, and hugging them. I love dogs.

I love dogs too! But I’ve never ever had a dog due to my allergies. And I don’t know that much about how to take care of them. I mean, I have some ideas, but I had to ask Google for help, lol. 

Oh, shoot, it came out more like general mech-to-dog headcanons, isn’t it..? Still hope you’ll like it, love!

Prologue

You woke up early at morning because of strange sounds you had heard. It sounded like… panting? Very heavy panting. Almost as if it was… dog? You almost laughed — yeah, a dog. No way. This is Nemesis and you were in your mech’s berthroom. You giggled a little, then rolled over to get up from the bed…

And barely held back a shriek. In front of your bed stood Soundwave, silent as always. “Soundwave!” You tried to calm down. “Stop sneaking up on people like that! Especially at morning…” He barely nods, still looking at you. It was uncomfortable, mostly because you didn’t know why is he here this early. “Is there… something you need? And did Megatron already left.?” Soundwave shook his head. “But he is not here?” He shook his head again. You raised an eyebrow, clearly confused. And then you heard weird sounds again. They sounded like… like some animal was scratching something metal with its claws. Only then you noticed Soundwave’s hand, his slim digits positioned as if he was holding something, very delicately… Or someone? You heard barking, and your eyes widened in realisation. That was indeed a dog in there!

You looked at Soundwave bewildered. “Why… is there a dog here?”. In a few long minutes, Soudwave told you something about weird experiments with organics material, something about holoforms decepticons were trying to make to be on one level with autobots, something more… He explained to you, very shortly, that there was an accident, which resulted in this situation: your mech is now a dog for an unknown amout of time. “Can you… show me him?” You carefully asked. Silent mech nodded and lowered his hand near you, then slowly let your mech… er, dog… out. It (he?) seemed disoriented for a moment. This moment gave you a time to observe it. You saw…

Megatron

…a very obviously irritated rottweiler. Yep, this is Megatron. Definitely. Actually, he looked kind of cute, being a dog and all of this… You’ve always liked dogs, and he was intimidating, but still somehow very adorable in his irritation. It made you snicker. Megatron glared at you and got off Soundwave’s hand, coming to you. He sat in front of you, and you saw, that he was actually pretty big for a dog. And still, it didn’t scare you. You reached out to his head, wanting to pet him. He growled at your hand, but you weren’t going to give up, so you kept going. Then Megatron tried to bite you. You gasped, then frowned. “Megz! Behave!” You said as you lightly flicked his nose. That made him calm down, looking at you almost shocked. You just smirked, petting his head, now that he was calm. “This is going to be very interesting…” 

Most of the time you spend on teaching Megatron how to behave. He actually bit you a few times, when you tried to stop him from doing something. Like, this one time when he was so disgusted by dog’s food, he made a mess by scattering everything in the bowl on the floor.

He found out that couch in your corner of room is very comfortable and now he is on it every time he wants. With dirty paws. Whenever you try to wash him, he tries to bite you yet again.

Megatron never ever whined. Never ever. At least, till he bites you too hard. You cried out in pain, and he got scared. He whined while you treated your small wound. He actually never bit you after that.

Hate baths. And dog food. And when you try to pet him (at least he tries to, but you saw how relaxed he becomes). Pretty much hate everything.

Ok, he does not hate everything. Remember the couch? When you read something, he comes to you, lay down on the couch with head on your lap. He still “don’t like” petting, but he definitely likes when you read to him.

Very boring dog, because he doesn’t want to play with you, even on your rather short walks :(

Never wents too far on walks. Calm and observant, always smells something. He likes waks. That’s good, right?

He is also the smatest dog, but just because he somehow keeps all of his instincts under control. HOW.

Eats meat like a wild animal, it’s almost scary. 

Once he is back, he will never mention this incident.

Starscream

…a very lost black poodle. Starscream is poodle now. This is not exactly what you expected, but he looked so adorably confused. You started to laugh at his expression, and he made a weird high-pitched screech. You’ve never thought that poodle can sound so peacock-like. Starscream ran to you, rather clumsily, with his claws loudly tapping on the metal floor. He buried his head in your stomach, whining. You think this was something caused by instincts, because he would never act that way if he was himself. You hugged the poor thing. For some reason, he was scared, and your heart filled with pity. Poor seeker. Can’t even fly now. Well, since no one knows for how long it’ll stay that way, you can at least try to make him comfortable. 

He would be in some kind of depression for a few days. Starscream clearly couldn’t get used to his present state. He won’t eat dog food, so you have to find a way to feed him. He actually liked some pork and plain yogurt. You double-checked if they’re ok for dogs, though, you don’t want him to get sick.

Starscream is a very anxious poodle. He whines and cries when you are not near him, got scared by other mechs easily. Probably because he is so small.

Megatron tried to step on him, no one knows if it was an accident. You saved poor seeker, and he clung to you all day.

Adore hugs. He is very anxious and restless, almost trembling when you are hugging him. Sleeps with you all the time.

You found out why he is so nervous when you went to a walk. Once he is outside, he is running around like a mad…dog. Turns out, he needed more air. He is still a seeker and being grounded, and inside of the ship — it scared him and was highly uncomfortable. Since then, you try to walk with him as long as you can.

WELL, YOU KNOW, HE WAS CUTER, WHEN HE WAS NERVOUS. Now he is very picky! Won’t eat a pork with too much lard (or how do you call it), won’t lay with you if you are asking. He will even act like he doesn’t like hugs and petting!

Don’t like baths, but looks so cute when he is wet. But he likes when you try to use fan to dry him. Probably, because of air.

Once he is back, he is sooo embarrassed. Won’t talk about it either, just because he is very uncomfortable with how he acted when he was scared. Tsundere-mod full on. (Still thanks you for your help. Though, very hesitantly).

Knockout

…the smuggest papillon you’ve ever seen in your short human life. You could FEEL Knockout’s smirk. Even if he is a dog. He is not going to get down, you realized, so you came to pick him up. Knockout nuzzled into your neck, tickling you with his fluffy ears. You chuckled. “No, Doc, I won’t carry you around. You should walk by yourself.” You settled Knockout on floor, and he huffed, running somewhere else, somewhere towards kitchen corner. You shrugged and turned to Soundwave. Not even a minute came by when you two heard something fell and broke to pieces in the kitchen. Smug Knockout ran out of there. You sighed. It’s going to be difficult. 

SO. PICKY. Won’t eat a lot of things that he should eat, would always steal something he wants even if he can’t eat it. 

He loves sitting on your lap. And he loves petting and he loves when you stroke his fur. He is getting soo relaxed and calm, this is the only way to stop him from being naughty and moody.

Hates all sorts of dirt, due to this, loves bathing. But only with the shampoo he likes. Probably will try to make you use your own, but nope! You want him to be healthy!

Doesn’t like to play, but sometimes plays with... ribbons. Are you sure he is a dog and not a cat?

CLIMBING EVERYWHERE. Only if there is no dirt, lol. You have to save him quite a lot. You think he likes it and that’s why he does it more often.

No, really, you sure he is not a cat? Because his favorite things is salmon, tuna and milk. Luckily, he doesn’t have lactose intolerance.

He is definitely likes to make you worried. Whether it means being in danger or trying to break some of your stuff. You realised that he is teasing you only after he fell from shelves and you caught him. You were worried sick, but he looked soo pleased! 

You just can’t stay mad at him, because he makes the best puppy eyes.

Pretends that he is not watching when you’re changing for sleep.

He is watching.

When he is back, he tease you a lot like the asshole he is. Lovingly, of course. But you almost hit him, when he started to talk about your striped underwear in front of Breakdown.

Breakdown

...probably a hapiest Saint Bernard you’ve seen. Breakdown ran to you instantly. But he is definitely forgot that he is a big boy. Bigger than normal SBernard for sure. You are lucky that you are still on the bed, because you needed something soft to land on, when he charged himself on you, licking your face. You giggled, trying to push him off. “Ok, ok, I love you too, good boy, just get off, Breaky, you are heavy!” You think time you’ll spend with him will be very enjoyable!

He LOVES to play! Outside, inside, with everything and everywhere. And he always licks your face or hands after you done playing. 

Eats everything. Steals food. Kepp an eye on him.

Love hugs and literally any affection. Petting? Awesome! Hugging? Th best! Just laying near you? Great!

He is one of those oversized dogs, who doesn’t realize that they are big. That’s why he broke a few cups while running around. 

Breakdown is the softest big dog you’ll ever meet. He is so comfortable to hug. That’s why you let him sleep with you, even though he is a little bit too big for your bed.

Loves everything. Bath, walks, food, games. Especially you.

Following you around the ship everywhere. Knockout snickering at you two and tease you a lot. That makes Breaky growl at him. 

Loves to get under your covers while you are watching movies or something. Somehow, you never notice until his cold wet nose is touching your hand.

After he is back, he tells you, that it was fun. He actually enjoyed it, though, he would never want to stay like this. 

[sashayed]

Good afternoon, elegant natural beauties. Do u guys want to read a short, incoherent stream-of-consciousness review of Every Single Perfume I’ve Sampled since May 2016? of course you do! I put a star next to the ones that are good on me.  i originally wrote “next to the ones i recommend” but of course every perfume smells completely different on every person so Who Knows. i don’t wanna get blog sued for recommending you a fragrance that smells like a butt on you.

★ annick goutal ce soir ou jamais - rose! big, overblown, spicy rose. musky. amber. really good! a little too floral for me personally but it’s very like a flapper wearing a rose in her hair & i would recommend for somebody else

annick goutal grand amour - unremarkable, thin floral. also gone almost immediately?? what even was this. annick. get it together.

★ annick goutal nuit etoilee - ohhhh, yes. soothing, but not boring. something like -- blue-gray forests and -- mint tea? it's cool and delicate and sort of cozy. mint leaves and resin. herbal, graceful, understated: warm tea and a pine fire on a cold night. it’s too elegant to be homey. it’s like if your ex-wife of 20 years invited you over to dinner and everything in the house was lovely and the dogs were asleep and even the trees outside tapped their branches on the glass just as you remembered it, but over dinner you realized from the coolness of her glance and the graciousness of her manner toward you, you knew absolutely that she had moved on, and however kindly she treated you you would only ever be a guest in this house -- your ex-wife might wear this.

★ l'artisan mon numero 6 - sort of woodsy and masculine in a good way! sandalwood, hibiscus. a gamine in a bower.

annick goutal petite cherie edt - can something be both powdery and juicy? pear and soap? it's nice -- very girly and sort of demurely playful -- but even with a surprising musky note down in there, it doesn't make much of a statement. 

★ atelier cedrat envirat - a greener, woodsier Orange Sanguine. in spite of the name, the cedar is much more of a basenote, a strong vibration; more noteable are the citrus tones, especially as it dries. more lemon-lime than orange. delicious and fresh and invigorating. i can wear OS at any season, but this feels very summer-specific.

balenciaga b. - fresh at first but then….weird old bread?? what? what is happening. it’s still not bad but there’s something so floury/powdery about it. in spite of that bakery/kitchen association it’s not spicy – it’s green & dry. Fine, but not a keeper.

cb i hate perfume burning leaves edt - not so impressive on me anymore. it used to feel cozy and i'd get a hint of rich woods but now that sweetness is more like....bbq sauce. like, i just smell like i wandered into your house with grill smoke in my unwashed hair. this is fine and great when it happens organically, but a lil too meaty for my taste in perfume. not great projection either.

cb i hate perfume i am a dandelion - sharp & earthy greens – what florals there are are more crushed than blooming. i’d want to layer this with something but by itself it’s too much mica/dirt on me.

cb i hate perfume wild hunt - WET EARTH. foliage and moss. ozone. that low alcoholic thing that’s very cb-typical. round dirt. fades very fast.

clean rain - cheap but good. nothing remarkable though and it fades VERY quickly to regular bar soap. you could get the same effect for a fraction of the price with that $8 cucumber melon body splash from bath & body works.

★ comme des garcons blue santal - oh HELLO good MORNING! clean, tomboyish, scented wood and juniper. a ski lodge smell -- outdoorsy, but more moneyed than natural. the perfume equivalent of super-expensive ”reclaimed wood” scandinavian furniture.

d'orsay intoxication - bluh. the two words that come to mind are “honey” and “widowhood,” tbh, which makes this sound better than it is. it's just a sort of indeterminate, dated chypre floral, with an old-lady's-bathroom musk. which is better than old-man's-bathroom musk, obviously, but i'm not into this.

★ demeter honeysuckle edt - as pure and natural on me as annick goutal’s way more expensive chevrefeuille. projection & lasting aren’t as good but SUCH a fresh, sweet, uncloying honeysuckle.

derek lam 10 crosby drunk on youth edp - your cute friend’s hair after a shower. fancy girl shampoo. then it blossoms out and gets deeper & sweeter--pure honeysuckle, but still soapy, hence the shampoo. lovely, but too $$$ for basically a nice bathroom-steam smell.

dkny be desired edp - starts w/ sweet grapefruit & violet – then that shampoo-y smell – then the shampoo gets synthetic. it’s not BAD exactly, just mad artificial with a sharper and sharper plastic line through it. although ooo, as it dies down it gets REALLY nice. not worth that early stuff but very sweet and sporty.

dolce & gabbana intense - strong & sweet. intoxicating but also marshmallowy? tuberose. kind of like a lollipop. yes. booze lollipop. i dig it but it’s too sweet to be a standby for me. although the boozy vanilla about 15 mins in is SUPER delicious.

elizabeth & james nirvana black - i’ve heard this suggested as a dupe for Black Orchid but nirvana is WAY sweeter on me. more licorice, less tobacco and the vanilla comes across much less organically. some scents kind of fold your own smell into themselves and enhance it? that’s the goal for me & this w/ my particular chemistry is like the opposite. very “mask”-y.

★ giorgio armani si edp - YUM. lychee with some sharper fizz behind. black pepper? then incense/spiced wood? super sophisticated & sexy. reviews say “vanilla” – i’m not getting that at all.

gucci flora glorious mandarin edt - a burst of tangerine, then low slightly spicy flowers. good, but not great.

★ guerlain idylle - oo. oooooo. delicious. this is described as a “floral” but i’m getting something richer – something of that amber vanilla musk that i used to get with Black Orchid. i guess i smell the rose under that. as it dries it gets sweeter but not in a bad way – fruit-sweet, like a wet raspberry.

★ imaginary authors cobra and the canary - tobacco, smoke, leather. very distinctive and really kind of nice. i think you could pair this with something femmey for a really interesting layered smell but WHO HAS THE TIME!!

★ issey miyake a scent - spring. sharp cut green flower stems. wet but guarded. crisp. lemon tree & hyacinth in the very back. like it a lot. as it wears down it becomes deeper and more floral – a wet garden. (had this on same arm w/ d&g intense & they’re like the opposite of each other. a palate refresher!)

★ juliette has a gun mmm - sooooo good! like….creamy white flowers and orange rind and cinnamon? as usual with white flowers it’s a little sweeter than the woman i picture myself to be, but true to its name it is DELICIOUS.

laura mercier nuits enchantees - VANILLA EXTRACT! so delicious but unfortunately then this weird powdery almost nutty?? note appears. almond? or wait: marzipan. ough, that must be the patchouli. yeah, no thanks.

le labo vanille 44 - so good at first! rich warm vanilla-extract vanilla. spicy. wintry. something a little like rubber or plastic – or playdoh?? – deep under it, which is the only drawback -- except that then as it dries it fades to just that rubber plastic thing. :/ this was a disappointing relationship.

miller harris la pluie - weirdly old & incongruous on me – like one of those perfume sampler packs i played dress up with as a kid. not bad, but seems to have nothing to do with my skin.

oscar de la renta something blue - PURPLE MARKER SMELL? remember those smelly markers and the purple one was really good? this is like a fancier version of that. then it goes to more complex flowers.

★ pinrose treehouse royal - this is SO FAMILIAR, why?? what is it? vitabath??? green, delicious, ginger underneath. cassis and vetiver. very clean. i’ve never tried pinrose before and i really like it!

★ pinrose campfire rebel - oh wow. oh WOW. green smoke. everything i stopped getting from burning leaves – none of that charcoal meatiness. just clean autumn air and good whiskey. i gotta get more pinrose!

★ prada luna rossa - POWERFUL dude musk. spicy herbal, amber-y. Very very masc. Feels like Jean Dujardin inviting you behind the boat house for a cigarette.

ralph lauren polo black a wealthy, slightly effete dude sauntering out of the locker room. tropical fruit and sandalwood. very clubby, but also VERY delicious – at first. unfortunately it fades FAST to Eau de Douche. like, not the vaginal hygeine product, just a douchey guy in a club. ugh.

ralph lauren romance - very femme perfume-y – the opposite of luna rossa. Flowers first – rose & lily? Feels like the dullest body splash you could get from Victoria’s Secret. Inoffensive, boring flowers.

stella mccartney sheer - fruity! a less strong l'imperatrice. juicy. sweet and soapy.

★★★ tom ford noir pour femme - ohhhh shiiiiiit yes. ohhhhh you’ve done it again thomas. musk and vanilla. warm smoke. cardamom. this perfume is a cardamum blessing. i feel so sophisticated yet sexy yet also somehow cozy and warm?? a femme fatale in an oversized sweater. oh god, it just gets better and warmer and sexier every minute. WHEN WILL I BE RICH?? @daeontherun bought me a tube of this for XMAS because she’s a SAINT and we all put it on and spent the rest of the evening deeply inhaling our own wrists. can’t recommend highly enough.