#this is really raw and shitty...it's a notes doc/info dump/

[cinemaocd]

For the WIP meme: Groomed (notes) 😊

This is a personal memoir. It's something I've been toying with off and on for a while.

"The week of thanksgiving I’m waiting for my takeout sandwich order and Luke, our soon to be dinner guest for the Indian feast on Thursday: lamb roghan josh, baked saffron rice, a dal and carrots with peas in ginger and turmeric…it was a full day of work, split 50/50 made to feel light working with Graham, letting go of some of this. Back to my takeout sandwich: Luke and I sit and talk for 45 minutes about EMDR and CBT therapies for C-ptsd.  Sitting on a bench with another victim of child abuse, or I mean survivor of child abuse and knowing it and even a little owning it. Giving myself space to go to therapy and have a nice Thanksgiving. 

Phone calls with Emmy don’t go well. The boundary thing is impossible and it turns out she’s making drama of it. When I sent a thanksgiving care package to the woman I thought was hosting thanksgiving in ND, she asked my mom for my number and my mom made a big deal out of NOT giving it to her. I have to call her and exchange information and chat. 

Thanksgiving is nice and I manage to not answer the phone though it rings every night without fail. We go out and go see a band and I lose my purse and id. This after having lost my id after my indulgent Jane Austen 6 day weekend in Denver. So two trips to the DMV and therapy every week with a different therapist working through the alphabet of shit. 

From my icklist this week:

the way she talked about the fact that I wanted a baby brother and that she couldn’t have any more kids because she had a difficult delivery, like she would just tell that shit to strangers with me right there as if it couldn’t hurt me…Someone could be like, “How many kids do you have, just the one?” and she would launch into it…as if this stranger has any right to this information not to mention the damage of me hearing that repeatedly. 

 the way she would retell stories to be more dramatic, always to make herself look more important/better/special/caring etc. and often negating or straight up lying about the contributions of others, I knew she was a liar early on but believed the lies she told anyway like that my father really wanted a boy and that’s why I played with boy’s toys, again she would tell that to anyone as a way of explaining why I was so weird,